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“What did you expect?” she asks, eyes wide and half-hysterical, shoving her clothes into her pack with even greater desperation now that Cassian has entered their shared room. Though he’d been worried when she hadn’t been there to meet him in the hangar bay, he’d assumed she was busy. “What did you expect from me, Cassian? Tell me! What did you expect?”
Not this.
He holds his hands out in front of him, soothing noises in the back of his throat. This doesn’t happen too often anymore, but defusing these situations is second nature, his body moving before his mind catches up. Often, his absence is a trigger, especially when he’s on a mission and she’s by herself, too easily reminded of what life feels like without him.
The last mission he’d been on had gone longer than expected. He knows Jyn worries when she doesn’t hear from him every couple of days but he’d been in too deep to risk transmission. Now that he’s back, two weeks later than he should have been –– and having known her as long as he has –– he understands almost immediately what has happened: her mind has told her that he’d abandoned her.
“If you were leaving,” he says gently, his voice staying even through sheer force of will. He so desperately wants to reach for her but holds his ground, not wanting to set her off even more with any sudden movements. “I would've hoped you'd at least say goodbye before you went.”
Many of the insults and words she spits when she’s like this have no meaning to them. She’s speaking out of fear, the trauma of her past overcoming the logical parts of her brain. He knows this – he doesn’t blame her for it, will never blame her for it (though it doesn't make it any easier to hear).
“Goodbye, then,” she snarls, slamming the closet door shut. The echo of the bang resounds through the quiet room. She shoulders her pack and tries to move around him, but he stands firm in front of the door, determined not to let her leave until she’s calmed down a bit more. If she still wants to go once she’s thinking rationally, he’ll let her. “Would you move? I did what you expected – aren’t you happy?”
“How am I supposed to be happy when you’re trying to leave me?” he asks frankly, eyebrows knitting together. “I don’t want you to go.”
“That’s what they all say,” she mutters, trying again to dart past him and reach for the lock. He doesn’t try to stop her but doesn’t move from his place in front of the door, either. “Nobody says they want to leave me but then they do anyway.”
“I’m not going to leave you, Jyn,” he replies carefully, holding up a hand when she opens her mouth to interrupt. He won’t try to force her to stay but he suspects leaving is truly what she wants right now. “I know you don’t believe me now. That’s all right. You just have to stick around long enough for me to prove it to you, okay? Can you do that for me?”
She narrows her eyes, anger warping her features but there’s a hint of sadness to it, too. Looking closer, he can see the shimmer of tears in her eyes, how her shoulders hunch defensively, the lack of rebellious spark in posture. She looks – she looks defeated, letting her past and memories beat her down into the ghost of the woman he loves.
Maybe they’re codependent but the weight of her absence on solo missions almost feels too heavy to bear. For someone like her, it must be unbearable. Running away, severing ties before it’s too late –– he’s come to understand that this is how she tries to heal the pain.
His hands curl into fists at the thought. If they were still alive, he’d have a few choice words for her parents and Saw and everyone that had left her after.
“Bodhi’s waiting for me,” she deflects, chin up, defiant even in the face of flight. Jyn’s a good liar –– she doesn’t shy away from eye contact, keeps her voice firm and steady. “I told him I’d be at his shuttle by now.”
That has his eyebrows raising. “Bodhi is helping you?”
“Yes.” Her lips twitch almost imperceptibly, invisible to anyone except him. He knows her well enough to see right through her, to know that she’s lying. Bodhi would be heartbroken if he even suspected that she was trying to leave them.
“Bodhi can wait a few more minutes, hmm? If you’re that worried, I can send him a message and tell him it’s my fault you’re late.”
She frowns, then shakes her head slowly. She tells him, “You don’t have to do that.”
“No? All right. I won’t.” Cautiously, he takes a step forward into the room, letting out a relieved breath when Jyn doesn’t make another break for the door. “Will you tell me why you’re leaving?”
“Why do you care?”
That hurts, slicing right through his chest like a vibrobrade slipping between his ribs. “I care because I love you,” he says, even though his voice breaks at the end. “I love you, Jyn. You know that – I know you know that.”
Those words have her shoulders sagging, eyes closing briefly as if his words have caused her physical pain. “I know you believe that you do – “
“I do, Jyn, I – “ He shakes his head, hands hovering in the air between them. “Can I touch you?”
She turns her head to the side, pressing her chin to her shoulder, and shrugs the other one. Her face is blank, cold, and completely uncaring, but he can see right through the cracks in her façade. “If you want.”
“Do you want me to?” he presses.
She pauses, opens her mouth, then slowly shakes her head. Relieved that she’s finally telling the truth, that she’s making decisions based on what she wants instead of trying to placate him, he lets his hands fall to his side and nods, shoulders sagging. “Then I won’t.”
For a few seconds, they’re at an impasse; he stands in front of the door and she lingers in front of him, one hand on her pack and eyes determinedly gazing downwards. It’s clear that she’s not going to speak unless prompted, so he offers, “Will you sit with me on the bed?”
His words have an unexpected consequence. Before he even has the chance to move, she whirls around and explodes. “Why are you trying to get me to stay? What’s the point – you’re, you’re just going to leave later, so let me go first! Why won’t you let me leave first? ”
“Let’s make a deal,” he says instead, not rising up to meet her bait. “Next time I’m not going to be able to make it back on time, I’ll send you a message to let you know.”
Finally, she glances up at him, chewing her lip. “Why the hell would you risk your cover for me?”
It’s simple to him – no matter how important the mission is, he’d made a promise to Jyn and welcomed her home. He shrugs one shoulder. “Because I love you. If telling you that I’m going to be gone a little longer helps you believe I’m not leaving you, then that’s what I need to do. Okay?”
“Then you’re an idiot.”
A half-smile tugs at his lips. “Maybe.”
After a beat of silence, she exhales, her whole body drooping from the force of it. “I still don’t believe you,” she admits but lets her pack drop from her shoulder and onto the ground.
“You don’t have to,” he tells her, a hint of a smile on his face. He sinks to the bed and pats the spot next to him. “Do you want me to stay here with you tonight? I can always room with Kes if you don’t.”
A pause, then she rasps, “You can stay.”
He nods. “If you still want to leave, you can do it in the morning. Just – just stay for tonight, hmm? Promise me you’ll do that?”
She nods slowly. “I’ll stay.”
He waits, letting her make her way to him in her own time. It pays off; a few minutes later, Jyn gingerly sits next to him, a few feet separating them.
“I’m sorry,” she mutters, not angry with him but with herself. This time, she doesn’t look at him, jaw clenching as she focuses her stare on the door.
“Don’t be,” he tells her honestly. “I know it’s hard. I get it, Jyn. Really, I do.”
“You deserve someone better. You shouldn’t have to deal with me. With this.”
Something burns inside of him. He hates when she talks like this, self-deprecating and horribly honest. It’s what she thinks about herself, no matter how hard he tries to change her mind. He wants to argue with her, to try and convince her with heated declarations, but that’s not what she needs right now; she’ll only bark back with more reasons why he should leave her if he says anything about it.
Instead, he places his hand between them, palms up. An offer, an invitation for her to touch him if she wants. “Like I said, Jyn – I love you. I’m not going to leave you, not tonight, not ever.”
He doesn’t know how long they sit there in silence together before he feels her skin against his, her hand tentatively touching his and then curling their fingers together. Though it’s only a small point of contact, the place where their fingers are interlocked sends warmth throughout his body.
And when morning comes, Jyn is still there.