How to Respond When Team Members Put Themselves Down
Your perspective on others isn’t as important as their perspective on themselves.
You short-circuit growth when you rush to comfort, contradict self-criticisms, or offer quick solutions.
Why we bully ourselves:
- We disrespect the power of self-accusation to dilute potential.
- We let our mind wander. A wandering mind often finds a dark hole.
- Self-criticism is a ploy for sympathy.
- The Imposter Syndrome has us by the throat.
- We learned to beat ourselves down by being put down.
- Maybe we want others to expect less of us.
- Aspiration has a high standard.
Seriously:
Respect people enough to take them seriously when they put themselves down.
When people complain about themselves, ask, “What makes you say that?” Or, ask, “What would you like to do about that?”
Suppose Jan says, “I’m lousy at delegating.” You respond with, “You’re good at delegating.” What does she say? “No, I’m not.” Instead, take her seriously.
When you take people seriously, they take themselves seriously.
Tip: Manipulators are shocked when you take them seriously.
Inquiry not contradiction:
- What aspect of delegating are you thinking about?
- What would you like to try?
- What might be true of you if you improved your delegating skills?
- Why do you want to improve?
- What’s the bravest thing you could try that might take your delegating skills to the next level?
Suppose Jan says, “I want to improve my delegation skills,” and you think she’s already great. Don’t interrupt her.
Never contradict someone who wants to improve, even if you think they’re doing fine.
Why do we put ourselves down?
How might leaders respond to team members who put themselves down?
Bonus material:
15 Ways to Help Without Getting in the Way | Leadership Freak
Tackling Self-Blame and Self-Criticism: 5 Strategies to Try | Psychology Today
Why do we put ourselves down?
Often times its how they were raised, being told they are worthless, never amount to anything, or just plain never given the chance to prove themselves. Along the road they just didn’t have any support system to either teach them or build them. The other side is perhaps they never tried either to build themselves up. More complicated than a few sentences.
How might leaders respond to team members who put themselves down?
I prefer to go one on one with them unless we have multiple individuals at which point we need a broader statement, “I noticed some people are lacking confidence and I will share with you that we can do this, and this is how we can do this. I have been in your shoes and its okay, we will start with this and end here, may take a couple of sessions, we shall get this together.
This one packed a punch for me: Tip: Manipulators are shocked when you take them seriously. When you take people seriously, they take themselves seriously. Wow. I expect people will watch their words in the future if you take them seriously.
The psychology of the relentless and tiresome inner critic is explored in a fascinating essay entitled “Against Self-Criticism” by Adam Philips in his new book “Unforbidden Pleasures”. It was eye-opening for me as I continue to wrestle with the tendency to listen to that voice over legitimate others. I highly recommend the read to anyone desiring to increase their self-awareness and to free themselves from the unnecessary limitations the inner critic insists upon.
Why do we put ourselves down? Low self-esteem–negative self talk. Results from how we interpreted and processed events and comments from our childhood.
We need to make sure our self-talk is accurate. Self criticism needs to be balanced with self praise. Reframe self-criticism into improvement opportunities.
How might leaders respond to team members who put themselves down? Ask questions. Why do they feel that way? (Consider–are they generalizing.) Do they believe improvement is possible. What actions can they take to improve?
The “Psychology Today” article makes several good points.
Doubts are a way of life, learning to deal with the doubts in yourself makes you stronger. I agree with you on manipulators are shocked that someone would care enough to take their doubts seriously because they do not want a way out, they just want to be verified in their feelings. Making those feeling real and creating a pathway to decreasing those doubts in ourselves can be very difficult.