Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 8-year-old nephew cheats at games constantly—Uno, hide-and-seek, cards; any game he plays, he cheats. He’s not great at hiding it either, and I’m not sure how to react when I catch him. I know it’s normal for kids to cheat at a young age; they care more about winning that how the game is played. But I also feel like I’m doing him a disservice in the long run if I just let him get away with it. Last time, when he went outside his parents’ established boundaries during a game of hide-and-seek, I asked him why he didn’t respect his parents’ wishes. In response, he told me it was a great hiding spot and the rules didn’t matter. His uncle and I told him we refused to play anymore until he started following the rules, but I’m not sure he really got the message. If I catch him cheating again, what should I do?
—Auntie Is Watching
Dear AIW,
Call out your nephew’s cheating whenever you see it. Most of us have let kids slide here and there, but the fact that he cheats every time he plays a game (at least when you see him) implies that he either doesn’t understand the meaning of cheating yet, or that he thinks it’s OK as long as the ends “justify” the means. Talk to him about what it truly means to win something. Explain that a victory from cheating isn’t a victory at all and that he’s ruining the fun of the competition for everyone playing with him. Be sure to lay out the possible social, academic, and professional consequences for cheating—if he has a favorite sport, it won’t be hard to find a couple of stars who have lost big time while trying to get a win the “easy” way. Good luck!
Dear Care and Feeding,
I consider myself to be a person who likes to live and let live about most things parenting-related. Elective C-section? Completely natural birth? None of my business, no judgment from me. You didn’t nurse? Cool, formula works too. No screen time at all, or all screens all the time? Hey, do whatever works best for you. But I’m struggling with one choice that other parents make, and I can’t seem to overcome my issue with it.
I have a perfect 2-year-old daughter that I’m crazy about (and who alternatively drives me crazy), and I have several friends with kids the same age or older who have chosen to spank as a primary means of discipline. I was very strongly anti-spanking for years before I had kids and now that I have one, I dislike it even more. I think it’s lazy and terrible and awful to teach your kids it’s OK to hurt them because they’re weaker than you. I hate judging other parents, but I am really struggling with how to reconcile good friends with parenting decisions I couldn’t disagree with more. I’m sure these kinds of things are going to come up more and more often as my daughter and next little one get older, and I don’t know what to do. Any ideas?
—Hands-Free Mom
Dear HFM,
You are most certainly not alone in your contempt for spanking; it isn’t just other parents who agree with you either, you’ve got experts (including the American Academy of Pediatricians and the American Psychological Association) and research on your side. Alas, it is still socially permissible (and legal) in many spaces to use corporal punishment to discipline one’s children. You’ll need to pick your battles wisely and effectively. Share information with your friends about the problem with spanking, particularly articles and books that include data about the potential negative outcomes from hitting one’s children. Talk about why you have chosen a different approach, and offer suggestions for things that have worked for you and your little one. It is improbable that you’ll be able to convert everyone you speak to, but you may be able to change some hearts and minds along the way.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I don’t have any children biologically due to infertility struggles, but I have raised my nephew “Clyde” since the death of his parents when he was just 4 years old. He is now 22, and I think of him as my son. Seven years ago, my husband died tragically and unexpectedly. It’s been hard for both of us, but Clyde is a remarkable young man, has always managed to stay out of trouble, and even graduated from college debt-free. He is now working on his Ph.D.
We’ve always been a very open house when it comes to sexuality: I know Clyde’s uncle had the “birds and the bees” talk with him on several occasions before he passed, and I’ve muddled my way through a few awkward conversations about the topic as well. However, it turns out maybe we didn’t do our jobs as well as we could have, because Clyde has unintentionally gotten someone pregnant and is expecting a daughter soon. From what I understand, Clyde and Bonnie are friends who have worked together a few times over the years and are not terribly interested in one another beyond their physical relationship. I am truly excited to be a grandmother, and although this will be hard for Clyde, I feel certain that he can rise to the challenge and be a great dad.
Alas, I’m writing because Bonnie is in the beginning of her third trimester, and Clyde only told me last week! Bonnie has a stable job and plenty of family support, so I’m not worried about them in terms of finances, nor do I think Clyde has ruined some girl’s life. I don’t understand why he hid this news from me for so long. I asked him directly and didn’t get a straight answer, just some excuses about not wanting to stress me out (I’m currently receiving radiation for breast cancer).
I suspect a lot of this is due to Clyde’s feelings on personal responsibility; he’s the type of kid who carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and he always holds himself to astronomically high standards. I don’t want to necessarily ask again because I don’t want to pry, but I also don’t want Clyde suffering in silence. This is just such a huge thing to keep from me for so long! How do I let go of my hurt feelings, stay supportive of Clyde, and also welcome these girls into our little family? I would appreciate any advice you have!
—No Judgment Zone
Dear NJZ,
I think you’ve likely identified exactly why Clyde wasn’t chomping at the bit to run to you with his baby news: He wasn’t in a serious relationship with Bonnie, he didn’t plan to have a baby, and he’s going to have a mouth to help feed during an incredibly difficult stage in one’s academic career. On top of that, he must confront it all at a time when the woman who has been the most important member of his family for most of his life is dealing with a health crisis.
Furthermore, having lost his own parents at such a young age, his concept of family and fatherhood may be a bit more complicated or anxiety inducing than the average guy from his cohort. Unless you’ve been known to make comments about out-of-wedlock births or young, single parents, it’s unlikely that you influenced Clyde’s silence aside from his worry over your health. I know it isn’t easy to simply decide that you aren’t hurt anymore, but please try and find comfort in knowing that. (And if you did ever say such things, all you can do now is let him know that your thoughts on what is “ideal” for a family do not prevent you from being happy to welcome the one he has created inadvertently.)
The best thing you can do is to let Clyde, and Bonnie, know that you aren’t disappointed in them and that no matter the status of their romantic relationship, you will support them in taking care of this new child and that you are excited to see your family expand by two. Make your enthusiasm known, start to discuss ways that you’d like to be (and are able to be) helpful and work on getting to known Bonnie better. Congrats to you in advance, and best wishes for both your grandma journey and your healing.
Dear Care and Feeding,
What are your thoughts on child harnesses? I used to cringe when I’d see a parent using one … and now I have a very active 3-year-old of my own. For the most part, he is a good kid. But, he has a tendency to run away the second his feet hit the ground. And I mean run: He’s 15 feet away before you can even react. Of course we try to hold his hand, but he’s very capable of Houdini-ing away from our grip. It’s utterly exhausting, not to mention terrifying. Just the other day, we were out at a very crowded public event. I was carrying him, but when I put him down and went to take his hand, he took off immediately. For almost five seconds, I couldn’t see him because it was so crowded. He will also run into the street sometimes. We still try to use a stroller, but he hates it because he wants to be out walking. So I proposed a harness, and my wife had a fit on me, calling me barbaric and asking how dare I even suggest such a thing. I don’t know how we can go on like this. Am I being that unreasonable?
—Son on the Run
Dear SotR,
Listen.
I, too, was a harness shamer. I thought it was weird and inhumane—until I had an active toddler of my own. As you can see in this Instagram photo from a couple years back, a harness prevented my child from destroying a skateboard exhibit (there was a ‘do not cross’ line that she kept toeing, and had I not reeled her back in like a skilled fisherwoman, I might be writing this column today to repay a debt to the Brooklyn Museum.) It also saved, if nothing else, my nerves when we went to festivals or crossed the street at major intersections.
The one we purchased had a backpack with a teddy bear attached, so it felt less like a leash than an accessory, and my kid actually didn’t complain at all. Her dad didn’t use one but didn’t shame me for my choice. My friends and occasional strangers, however, made it clear that they didn’t approve, but guess what? I didn’t care. I did what was best for my kid and my nerves, and it worked.
Explain to your wife that you are simply terrified of the worst that could happen and have come close enough to it enough times with your son to feel it’s time to try something else. Speaking of “the worst that could happen,” make sure that you are also letting your little Houdini know about some of the potential consequences of his disappearing act, which include abduction and being struck by a vehicle, and how badly that would devastate his family (in kid-friendly terms!) Good luck to you, sir.
—Jamilah
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I’m a straight cis guy in my early 30s … I think. Here’s the thing: I love musical theater. And musical theater fandom (and more broadly, an affinity for all sorts of camp and pageantry) is not the only quality I have that reads as gay. For some reason I trigger other people’s gaydar on a not-infrequent basis. I don’t think it’s my fashion, which is conservative; or my speech, which does not lisp; or my mannerisms, which aren’t flamboyant; but I seem to give off that vibe nonetheless. Being read as gay does not bother me, but it does have me asking questions as to why I give off that vibe. I’m not gay, but maybe I really do I have a kind of queerness that people are responding to?
