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With a two singles and a double, the White Sox big hitting star yesterday was Dylan Cease. Saying after the game, “With Lou Bob going down like a deflated beanbag — No offense, Mitch Haniger — it’s important we all step up like an 80’s aerobics teacher,” then he began to count off exercise moves, “5, 6, 7, 8, schlemiel, schlimazel, let’s see you burn, boys!” Then he did some step aerobics out of the room. Obviously, he’s being modest, and way more anaerobic. It wasn’t just his hitting people were doing the swoon for — 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.37, and now his last 13 innings have been shutout with 20 Ks. That makes me want to sing (Keep Feeling) Fascination by The Human League. We’re all in that. The Human League. I’m saying that’s all of us. I will rock your world though if you say anything bad about boba. Cease looks to be going to his 96 MPH 4-seam fastball more than ever in his career, paired with an 86 MPH slider that has a .174 xBA, which is just goofy for a pitch he’s throwing 30% of the time. Don’t want to be caught with my shorts around my ankles because I’m wearing a banana hammock, but Cease looks to be emerging as an ace. Not a fantasy number two or three, but a number one. I don’t say that lightly, though I am writing this with a feather and 100 monkeys are typing it up later–Let’s go, Ling-Ling! Type faster! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, and his 6th homer. Abreu, please don’t get old this year, while also being excellent for old time’s sake, mixed messages noted and unavoidable due to laziness.
Jake Arrieta – Hit the IL with a thumb abrasion. Sometimes I take short ribs and be-abrasion’ing them. Damn, yo, them shizzes are good. I’m gonna do a finger lick thinking about it.
Nico Hoerner – Hit the IL with a forearm strain. So, he collides with Ian Happ, and Happ is carted off the field and Hoerner ends up on the IL? Insert John C. Reilly making a stupid face.
David Bote – 2-for-8, 4 RBIs as he gets playing time again with Hoerner injured from injuring Happ. Still can’t believe that entirely. Is Hoerner out with sympathy pains?
Jake Marisnick – 1-for-2, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (2). There’s an alternative timeline where *nick is on the Pirates, is an everyday outfielder and a top 100 player for fantasy. We, friends, are not on that timeline.
Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.07. Due to a blackout, I missed this start. Last time I get hammered on a Tuesday. The results though look great. There was some speculation that, due to the new ball, he wasn’t able to get the same feel as he usually gets, so maybe he got the feels? Could’ve also been an Ivictory Coast thing after the Cubs had a huge early lead, the Dodgers were like, “I don’t need this shizz.” His velocity seems to be back, and more importantly, he had great command of the 4-seamer and sinker, aside from the mistake to Keibert Ruiz.
Clayton Kershaw – 1 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.95. This was the shortest start of Kershaw’s career. The shortest Kershaw was when Jose Altuve wore a Kershaw jersey as he tried to sneak signs in a team meeting. Courtesy of Elias Sports Bureau.
Trevor Bauer – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.44. Geez, wonder how good he could be with both his eyes open.
Jacob deGrom – Scratched from his start with lat tightness in his side. I know I’m not usually the optimistic one, and I hate drafting top starters, but I think diddly injuries are going to be the norm with all starters this year, as they try to throttle their innings, and I’m not too concerned. Also, I don’t have him on any teams, so that might be helping my optimism. Maybe the new Mets’ hitting coach, Quay Hugebottom, said, “We can’t hit when deGrom pitches, so can we scratch him?”
Carlos Carrasco – Hit 96 in a simulated game and his slider looked unhittable. Usually I would add in a joke here, but there’s no room for joking. I need him back like last week. Though, since this is the Mets, how’s Carrasco’s hitting look?
Noah Syndergaard – Pitched two innings in Port St. Lucie, and starred in the series Vikings. Vahalla, he’s coming back soon too!
Dinelson Lamet – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00, as he was activated. This is smart. If you activate someone very fast who is bound to get hurt again, the injury won’t catch up to him and Lamet can sneak through.
Mitch Keller – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.29 vs. the Padres. Fun the Jewels issues have been well-documented, but is it me (it’s not me) or is the Padres’ offense severely flat?
Shane McClanahan – 4 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Hey, who am I to tell anyone how to do their job — though I am #boyboss — but how about Luis Patino starts the games, so McClanahan can maybe get a win?
Austin Meadows – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers, hitting .216. Anyone wanna check to see if Joey Gallo is wearing an Austin Meadows Rays jersey?
Alex Cobb – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 5.48. Last time a Cobb was effectively wild someone ended up in County.
Mike Trout – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .407. Yeah, okay, but his OBP is down to .514. *coughs* Bum!
Alex Bregman – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .295. Bregman vs. Domingo German (5 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.32) was like the universe saying, “I’m sorry I’ve failed you, but someone’s gotta win this battle.”
Michael Brantley – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. So, you’re saying I would’ve been better off with Brantley than George Springer. Haha, kill me.
Giancarlo Stanton – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. I WAS AT DA FAHKIN YANKEE GAME AND DEM CHEETIN’ ASSTROS CAN BLOW ME LIKE MY GIRLFRIEND WHO I CAHL GINACARLO.
Cole Irvin – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Still trying to decide if he’s just a MediOAKer pitcher for the Streamonator or if there’s something more here. As I said last time, “With (his 1.3 BB/9) command, it’s hard to have huge blowups. Would take some bad BABIP luck, so he’s safe-ish.” And that’s me quoting me!
Juan Soto – 0-for-1, as he was activated but will be a pinch hitter since he’s not ready to throw yet. I wanna jump around and do a little cartwheel and crimp my hair all pretty and be excited about this, but is his shoulder going to be an issue all year? He’s not going to be able to not throw all year unless he quickly learns 1st base or the giant idiot that is Rob Manfred institutes a universal DH. Hate to say I’m worried, but a bum shoulder on Sexy Dr. Pepper isn’t what I want to hear.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer, hitting .337. Tildaddy says you don’t have to join Cub Scouts!
Huascar Ynoa – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.36, and he grand-slam pitchslapped Tanner Rainey for his 2nd homer. The more Ynoa…Really need to start trusting Ynoa every single time out until he shows us a contrary reason. Vroom, vroom.
Josh Rojas – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 4th homer in five games, and mah gawd he’s the hottest Red Hot since Kole Calhoun went down. Big time schmotato here, fellas and five fell-hers.
Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Not saying I want to only draft Marlins and Giants starters next year, but I wish I did this year.
Lewis Brinson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. The ball was immediately sent to Cooperstown, because this was the first and only hit by Brinson after five years. Wonder if Todd McFarlane will pay a million dollars for it.
Alex Kirilloff – Headed to see a specialist about his wrist. You climb to the top of Mt. Fantasy Baseball and read the inscription on the side of the mountain, “If you’re good, you will get injured.” Geez, worst end to a hiking trip since Blair Witch.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Ya know you’re having yourself a pretty sick — sick as in healthy — first month when I’m tempted to write a lede every day for him.
Taylor Rogers – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.31, and the blown save. “Are you even a shutdown reliever if you’re not blowing games in the 9th inning?” — Taylor Rogers reading a fortune cookie.
J.A. Happ – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.91 vs. Kyle Gibson – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Ya know why they’re both still pitching like aces? Because none of youse are picking them up so they spite you and go pear-shaped. Let’s effin’ go! Grab them already so they’re garbage! Don’t worry about the Streamonator. Someone with the worst luck grab these guys!
Willie Calhoun – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .316. Due to roughly five years of expectations, Calhoun has to hit three homers a game and steal bases to not feel like a disappointment. Essentially what Buxton is doing. But ya know what would be a good start? Not having UTIL-Only eligibility.
Adolis Garcia – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Whatever ex-Cards mojo Randy Arozarena had last year, Adolis Garcia is soaking that shizz up and turning it into sparkle dust.
Josh Staumont – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.40, as he entered the 7th. And it wasn’t a doubleheader!
Kyle Lewis – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He’s on pace for 30 homers, which is the bare minimum! I want more! I want some slam and legses (legii?) and some multiple-homer games and all of it! Let’s go!
Tommy La Stella – Hit the IL with a hamstring injury, and could be sidelined for 4-6 weeks. Giants don’t have a ton of depth, which is why I’m proud to be five-seven and a quarter inches.
Kevin Gausman – Hit the Covid IL. A pitcher getting Covid to miss a series in Coors? Who’s smarter than Kevin Gausman?
Brandon Belt – 4-for-7, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Also, Buster Posey (3-for-4, 3 runs) hit his 7th homer. A more fitting teammate for Buster Posey would be Chasity Belt.
Jake McGee – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.54. Imagine there’s no closers. It isn’t hard to do. Nothing to slam your fist through dry wall and no relievers, too.
German Marquez – 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.21. German was Guten tagged.
Raimel Tapia – 2-for-8, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Batting averages are so goofy right now. A .250 average could become a .350 average in a week. How’sever, Tapia is a .300 hitter. With 20-steal speed and some power. Yeah, I’m a fan.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-8, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .191. Rise, Zombino, rise! I summon you from the deaths of hell! Depths? Whatever, you’ve been summoned!
Robbie Grossman – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and two steals (5, 6). Ha, like there’s anything I could say to get you to pick up Grossman.
Alex Verdugo – 2-for-4, and his 4th homer. Already know I want Verdugo and Tapia on all 2022 fantasy teams. Yes, it’s a sickness. I realize this.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Let me ask you something, is it a coincidence that XaBo sounds like cryptocurrency? Of course, it’s not a coincidence! You can’t not get rich on that shizz! I just made twenty-three dollars on the Doge. Touch my hand it is on fire! Meme me to the moon!
Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (2 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Not enough has been made about this guy. He went from the NL to the AL East and decided to breakout like a 15-year-old after a box of Totino’s. His peripherals are still so scary (10 K/9, 5.5 BB/9), but he’s also been a tad unlucky. Yes, un-. I still can’t find it in me, but Streamonator is barely positive on his next start.
Hunter Renfroe – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 3rd homer and 2nd homer in the last three games, and here goes one of those patented…Well, tell ’em, Scooby, “Renfroe!”
Rafael Devers – Dealing with a sore shoulder. Excuse me while I go wander into a tidal wave pool without my water wings.
Sam Coonrod – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.23 and his 2nd save. Even though this save was simply because Neris was overworked, I mentioned Coonrod on the podcast last week, because of how well he was pitching, even though I felt like just saying his name would get me cancelled. Grabbed him in a 15-team mixed league, and looked for him in my RCL.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4 and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .191. “If we wrap him in a cape and put some drawstring pants on him, we could just put him in a store’s window and leave–WAIT A SECOND! McCutchen moved! He’s alive!”
Brad Miller – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Why does it feel like Brad Miller will have NL-Only value until we’re all just faint memories and Brad Miller is still playing, filling in for an injured robot?
Christian Yelich – Back to the IL after one whole day, and it doesn’t sound good. They say he can’t start more than one game in a row. Yeah, that’s a big ol’ yikes. I have a theory about Yelich and Giancarlo. They can’t stay healthy because Loria sucked out all those guys’ bone marrow like it was public funds for a stadium.
