Of Mice and Women

How did the mouse become Lord Ganesha’s vehicle of choice? Does it reflect Ganapati’s conquest of a pest that destroyed crops in an ancient agrarian society? Or was it because Gajanana was a fan of speed, stealth, and survivalist instincts? On this Ganesh Chaturthi, Chidanand Rajghatta reflects on different attitudes towards the rodent across countries, cultures — and gender.

A mouse was spotted in the house. This led to great excitement.

Without telling kids so they wouldn’t be traumatized, Mommy commissioned Daddy to expel the invaders, assuming the raider had companions.

“How will you do it? “ Mommy asked anxiously.

“Well, I’ll keep an eye out… a well-aimed footwear ought to do the job,” Daddy responded, telling her how it was done in India and rhapsodizing about his throwing arm in college that could knock the stumps down at 30 yards.

“No way!” Mommy protested. “I will not have you hurt the mouse. Find a more humane way!”

“Besides,” Mommy added. “I thought mice are worshipped in India.”

“Indeed, they are. Lord Ganesha’s vehicle,” Daddy said, breaking into “Mooshika Vahana Modaka Hasta…”

“But they are also eaten in parts of India. Experts say that’s a good way to address malnutrition,” Daddy added.

“That’s disgusting,” Mommy said.

“The Economist has also said mankind can eat bugs and insects as a source of protein. It’s called entomophagy,” Daddy said, talking up a bar of candied crickets he had eaten at a conference.

“Stop being smart-assy and do something about the critter,” Mommy snapped.

So Daddy went to Home Depot to pick up a cheapo mousetrap for $ 3.99. It consisted of a sticky, gelatinous patch and the mouse would get stuck when he ran over it, particularly if you put a cracker or cookie crumb at the center to entice him.

Mommy’ scream next morning announced a sucker had fallen for it.

“Take him out and set him free before kids wake up,” Mommy instructed in a panicky voice.

“But he can’t be set free, he’s stuck,” Daddy said.

“Then what are you going to do?” Mommy asked, eyes narrowing.

“Well, I’ll just…”

The conversation had woken up kids so Mommy scrambled back up to attend to them and Daddy scrambled out with the sucker scooped on to a dustpan with a broom.

Mommy waited till kids had gone to bed that night to broach subject.

“So did you free him?”

“Well…”

“Well what?”

“Well, I freed him from his misery…”

“YOU DID NOT KILL HIM, DID YOU?”

“ I recited Robert Burns’ poem to comfort the cowerin’ timorous beastie,” Daddy said.

“ANSWER ME, DID YOU KILL HIM?”

“I also sang Jethro Tull’s One Brown Mouse,” Daddy replied dolefully.

“That’s it. I am taking charge of this operation. And I am reporting you to PETA!” Mommy roared.

Daddy was exiled to doghouse.

Day later, an Amazon package arrived with “humane” mousetrap — $ 12.99.

“It will trap mouse alive and I will take it out and free it,” Mommy said, readying trap by putting a slice of Manchego cheese inside.

“But they will come right back. Besides, you are using expensive Manchego cheese,” Daddy protested.

“It is only three months aged cheese, not the six months or a year,” Mommy replied.

“Exactly, they will come back and demand Manchego aged one or two years.” Daddy bleated.

“Nonsense,” Mommy said. “ How do you know mice can detect vintage of cheese?”

“Because they are very smart. They are used in experiments and they fool researchers all the time,” Daddy said.

“And before you know it they will be asking for White Stilton Gold,” Daddy warned, adding that they might even haul her before PETA’s Mouse Rights Commission for denying them good, healthy nutrition.

Sure enough, suckers kept coming back for more Manchego, extracting it from trap without getting caught.

So Mommy decided to replace it with a dab of almond butter.

“Why almond butter? Won’t peanut butter do?” Daddy asked.

“They may be allergic to peanut butter,” Mommy replied.

“Really? You better make sure the almond butter is organic,” Daddy suggested.

Ticking off Daddy for being mean, Mommy reluctantly downgraded to peanut butter. Suckers didn’t come back.

Instead of rejoicing, Mommy began to get worried.

“Then you better upgrade back to Manchego Aged One Year. I’ll send out an Amber Alert,” Daddy said.

“Don’t be snarky. I’m just concerned they may have moved to neighbors’ house,” said Mommy.

“True. She is wealthy and might entice them them Pule. We will lose face with mice,” Daddy said. “Did you know Pule is made in Serbia from milk of a Balkan donkey and it is the most expensive cheese in the world?”

“Shut up!” Mommy said.

Eventually, one did come back for the lowly peanut butter and was trapped in the $ 12.99 trap.

Mommy wore rubber gloves, put trap in a gift bag, and accompanied by excited kids, who were in on the gig by this time, took him out to nearby woods to let him out.

Only a mariachi band was missing on this ceremonial occasion.

“Should we give him a medal?” Daddy asked.

He was asked to stay behind in the car.

“How did it go?” Daddy asked, when they returned.

“Mommy let him out and he scampered off,” kids reported.

“You sure he did not cling to Mommy’s leg begging to be taken back home?” Daddy asked.

“Knock it off!” Mommy said.

A few days later Daddy noticed a whole block of Manchego cheese he had bought at Costco had vamosed. Only the wrapper had been left behind, with the price sticker — $12.99