How to Support Your Partner With Depression

Is Your Partner Struggling With Depression? Here’s How to Properly Offer Support

We all get sad sometimes — that’s a fact of life — and when someone is sad, there are things you can do to cheer them up. Things you know that will make them feel better. But what about when someone is depressed? As anyone who has dated or loved someone who deals with depression could tell you, that is an entirely different animal.

Depression is not simply “being sad” all the time; it’s a mood disorder with diagnosable symptoms, including diminished interest or pleasure in daily activities, significant weight loss or gain (or a decrease or increase in appetite), feelings of worthlessness, fatigue, and suicidal thoughts, among a handful of others symptoms.

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Given that, it’s no wonder why trying to be there for a partner who is suffering from depression can be difficult. You desperately want them to feel better, but all of your attempts to “cheer them up” fall flat. It seems an impossible task. The truth? It isn’t impossible to support them in the way they need you to, but it will take love, care, patience, and persistence — and it won’t always be easy.

Take Time to Listen

“One of the first things to know is that friends and family members can be a lifeline for someone who lives with depression,” says Dr. Deborah Serani, author of “Living With Depression” and senior adjunct professor at Adelphi University. “One of the most important things you can do is just listen to your loved one.

“Ask how they're feeling, but don’t force them to talk if they aren’t interested. When they do share, allow conversations to flow in an easy and open way.”

It’s key, Dr. Serani notes, not to tell your partner how or what to do to feel better. Rather, she suggests asking them what you can do to help them when they’re going through a depressive episode. Sometimes, it’s enough just for them to have a safe place (you) to turn to.

Educate Yourself

Depression comes in many forms, which can leave someone who is trying to offer a partner support feeling confused and frustrated. The best remedy for that is to do a little research on the disorder and arm yourself with the knowledge you need so as not to be taken by surprise or to underestimate the gravity of the situation.

“Your partner needs patience and unconditional love,” explains clinical psychologist Dr. Adam Borland. “Learning about depression and the treatments that are available makes it easier to display both. You’re also able to speak from a place of knowledge and better understand the ebb and flow of the treatment process.”

Reading up about the signs and symptoms of depression can also help you regain a sense of control, says psychotherapist and leadership coach Sarah Greenberg, especially when things seem to be spiraling. “By educating yourself about the signs and symptoms of depression, you’ll be less likely to blame yourself or blame your partner for its occurrence,” she says. “You’ll be more likely to understand what to expect, and to know where to get support.”

Support Their Treatment

Thankfully, depression is not something that people “just have to live with.” Treatment options typically include seeing a therapist, taking prescribed medication, or both. If your partner is exhibiting symptoms of depression and you believe they would benefit from professional help, your first job in this department is providing them encouragement.

According to Jayne Leonard, a counselor and psychotherapist based in Ireland, there are a few approaches you can take to inspire your partner to get the help they need. Documenting and sharing your partner’s symptoms with them, sharing your thoughts and concerns, expressing your desire to help, and discussing potential treatment options are all useful tactics.

Once a treatment routine has been established, it then becomes your job to make sure your partner stays on track. Supporting a partner through the treatment process, explains Leonard, can include helping them keep track of appointments and medications, doing physical activities together, planning and preparing healthy meals, and helping them set small, achievable goals.

Another small but important thing to remember, according to Leonard, is pointing out your partner’s progress along their journey to recovery.

Accept You Cannot Always Help

Despite treatment methods and your best efforts, there are times when your partner may be having a particularly bad day and there is simply nothing you can do about it. There may be times when it feels as if your partner is trying to push you away, even though you’re only trying to help. This is normal.

“Sometimes we do the opposite of what our partner needs by smothering them in an effort to help,” explains South Carolina-based counselor Kasia Ciszewski. This response can be harmful, which is why it’s important to understand why they push you away and what to do about it.

“Depressed partners push those closest to them away as a defense mechanism for various reasons, like feeling more comfortable alone or not having the energy to keep up with you. It’s situational, just like your response should be.”

Lack of energy, loss of concentration, feeling like a burden, feelings of embarrassment, and being scared of hurting the people they love are all reasons a partner might push you away when they’re having a bad day, according to Ciszewski. “It’s tough to be a partner and not to try and fix things,” she says. “But sometimes, the more we try to fix a situation, the worse we can make it. It’s almost better to ride the storm, if possible.”

Take Care of Yourself

Through it all, you also have to remember to look out for yourself, for as much as you want to help your partner, you’re no good to them if you’re burnt out yourself.

“Caring for a partner with depression can be draining, frustrating, and frightening,” says Leonard. “Research indicates that having a spouse with depression increases a person’s risk of developing depressive symptoms. This risk is particularly high in cases where a man is supporting a woman with depression.”

Knowing that, make sure you are taking care of your own physical and mental health by exercising regularly, eating healthy, and getting enough sleep. Saving time for things that you enjoy outside of your relationship, such as going out with friends, should also be high on the list.

It can all feel like a lot at times, but taking it day by day and keeping these tips in mind can help you and your partner maintain a loving relationship even as they push through their mental health journey.

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