How to deal with unfulfilled desires in a relationship?

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” Through this seemingly simple quote, which appears in the peasant play ‘Blood Wedding ’, the famous Spanish poet and playwright Federico Garcia Lorca raised an important topic that many perhaps fear to address. What is desire? If we look at the origin of the word, it could be traced back to the Latin word desiderare, meaning ‘long for, wish for; demand, expect’.The old French word desirrer or desirer is a close match, which translates into ‘wish, desire, long for.’ If we look for an Indian context, the 'Rig Veda' gives us an interesting insight about desire—as per a report published in Psychology Today, "according to the Hindu Rig Veda (second millennium BC), the universe began, not with light, but with desire, ‘the primal seed and germ of Spirit’." While the scriptures, innumerable works of literature and great thinkers put so much importance to desire, why do some people hesitate to express or fulfill their desires, especially those related to their love life or relationship?
Unfulfilled desire was what drew Akash and his wife Pallavi apart. Both come from families as different as chalk and cheese. Akash’s social conditioning also shapes his desires and expectations from a life partner—he expected his wife to be very traditional, including how she behaved in the bedroom. Pallavi came from a family that forces children to follow the strict rules laid by the society. No wonder she grew up into a strong, confident and experimental young woman. Unaware of each other’s expectations from the marriage, trouble brewed in their marital lives when their desires remained unfulfilled in the bedroom. Pallavi expected her husband to be a little adventurous and experimental in bed while Akash’s intentions were exactly opposite. Disagreements and fights became frequent and the distance between the couple started growing wider.
According to relationship experts, expectations and desires characterise our relationships and often we expect that the other partner would magically know what we need. “Many desires often remain unfulfilled because we didn't voice them and think that our partner would figure out what we want because they know us so well. Another reason can involve the possible conflict that occurs between your and your partner's desires which may also leave you feeling that your needs are not recognised and met,” said relationship counsellor Kamna Chhibber, Head (Mental Health), Department of Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences at Fortis Healthcare. “Dealing with unfulfilled desires would involve recognising the reasons why our needs have remained unfulfilled and finding ways to state and express what we want, if we haven't been doing so. Parallel to this it would also be important to prioritize which are more important desires and cannot be ignored and work with the partner/spouse to find ways of fulfilling these. Also, remain sensitive to how your partner feels about them to ensure that her or his needs and desires are also being met,” added Kamna.
If you are someone who is struggling with unfulfilled desire in your relationship or marriage, here are some expert-approved ways to deal with the situation.
Communicate your desire or need
Much has been spoken and written about how communication is the key to a successful relationship. Many relationship experts have stated how presumptions, like how a partner would magically know what we need or desire, is what keeps our needs from being fulfilled. If you are craving for a particular food, would you not unabashedly ask for the same? Treat desires, be it sexual or emotional, in a relationship in the same way. If you want your husband or wife to treat you in a particular way, ask for it rather than wait for him/her to understand what you want.
Respect your partner’s wish and be a little sensitive
One of the factors that stop us from expressing our desires is how the other person would acknowledge our needs. Often we fear that the other person might feel awkward (in case the desire is something that not all are comfortable with) or weird. It is therefore important for the partners to respect each other’s choices and be a little sensitive. This would create an amicable atmosphere for both to communicate better.
Learn to prioritize
It’s important to learn how to prioritize when it comes to expressing our desires. A man doesn’t just have one desire, there are many. Sometimes our needs are so varied that we often don’t realise which needs to be addressed first. Therefore, before you express what you need or want a partner to act on, do a little self-introspection. That way, you would able to take one step at a time.
Don’t be ashamed of your desires. Learn to address what you want or need without any guilt. As Federico Garcia Lorca said, unfulfilled desire is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves. No one deserves such punishment, right?