Posted on Sep 14, 2021

50 "New Girl" Jokes That Are Some Of The Funniest Of All Time, Ranked

#39: "I can make any kind of balloon animal, as long as it's a worm or a snake."

by Hope Lasater

BuzzFeed Staff

Jess says, I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia because you make children cry

Winston says, Ain't no way in hell I got a cat brothel going on in my room and I'm the only normal person in this loft

Winston says, Everybody meet Dan Bill Bishop, Jess asks, Daniel William, Winston says, No, Schmidt asks, Is Bill the middle name, Winston says, No, Aly says, Tell em you're kidding, Winston says, I'm not kidding, it's Dan Bill Bishop, and Aly asks, What

Nick says, But he's using that to study for his police academy test and he is not to be disturbed, and we see Winston making a paper snowflake in his room, then we see that his room is covered in paper snowflakes and he says, not enough, not enough

Winston says, Anything's funny when you put an old man in it, except for the ground

Reagan says, "I hope that the Chicago Cubs win the World Series while you're in a coma," and Nick says, "That's one of the meanest things anybody has ever said to me"

Coach says, Just say something to her, Nick says, Yeah, just say something to her, and Winston says, Shawty, what that thang do, Coach says, No, and all the men look upset

Nick takes noodles out of Russell's bowl and Jess says, Nick, don't eat his noodles, to which Nick says, Yeah, but we're bowl brothers now

Jess says, You know me, I'm only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea

Nick says, They should make more foot lotion for your hand, foot lotion hand

Nick says, I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words

Jess says, I'm great at parties, I can make any kind of balloon animal, as long as it's a worm or a snake

An old man says to Nick, Looks like you got old-man back, welcome to the club, and Nick says, Looks like a cool club, then he says to Winston Ugh, you hear that, and Winston says, Yeah, I'm sitting closer than you

Aly says, I'm not gonna be the yardstick in a penis measuring contest, Nick says, Did you say yard, and Winston says, Wow, who are you dating

Nick says, Jess, have you seen, uh, uh, cherries, and Jess says, I'm so confused by your question that I'm just gonna answer it, uh, directly, Yes, I've seen them

Winton says, I can't close my ass, and Jess, Coach, and Nick all look confused

Nick, as Julius Pepperwood, says, How you guys doing, I'm Julius Pepperwood, I'm an ex-cop, ex-Marine, I'm here to learn how to write short fiction, I'm from Chicago, Thin crust pizza, No, thank you, I'm from Chicago

Schmidt is dancing and says, Yes, my penis is working

Reagan asks, Is that a bowl of mashed potatoes under your bed, and Winston says, May god help us if it's not

Nick picks up a huge spool of yarn and says, What is this, Jess says, Yarn Nick says, What are you knitting, a mansion

Jess asks, Schmidt, an aquarium, when did you become a Bond villain that couldn't afford not to live with roommates

Schmidt says, How was your date, Jess says, It was great, and then it was disastrous, Schmidt says, Oh, so you had sex with him, Jess says, No, the opposite, and Schmidt asks, The opposite, so you gave birth to him

Cece walks in on Jess putting meth down the shower drain and says, Jessica, what are you doing, you do not put drugs down the shower drain, have you never seen a drug movie before, and Jess says, I don't know, I saw Ray

Schmidt says, Dammit, I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere

Winston, while doing a puzzle, asks, Hey, Schmidt, what do you think it's going to look like, to which Schmidt says, What do I think it's going to look like, Winston, it's on the box, the picture's on the box, it's a Japanese garden

Winston, on the phone, says, Did you know that my name was an acronym, Uhu, Schmidt, Some can have money, I desire thoughtfulness

A child says, A white man broke in today, Schmidt says, A white man, no, well, what did security do about it, the child says, Nothing, and Schmidt yells, Typical

Nick says, You better learn how to ride a polo horse, and Winston says, It's actually a polio horse, originally they were bred as helper horses for people with polio, but I don't think anything of what I just said was correct

Schmidt says, Now you got Schmidt all cranked up, and Nick asks, You're cranked up, and Schmidt says, Yeah, I gotta go to the arcade now and blow off steam

Cece says to Jess, Did you wash your hair, it looks really clean, and all of the women around gasp, including Jess

Schmidt says, I can never write my vows right now, I can barely even spell my own name, S, Jeans, is that right, is jeans not a letter, it feels like a letter to me and then he says, Jeans isn’t a letter, jeans is pants

In reference to a doll holding a hammer on the floor, Jess says, Yeah, he's not fooling anyone, You think just cause he's a snappy dresser the mice don't see the hammer, Mice come from all over the building to laugh at that dummy witch

Jess says, First of all, he's a street artist, second of all, he called a scotch on the rocks a sco ro, he has a tattoo that just says Warrior Poet, He tipped the waiter with a sketch of a hip hop mouse

Schmidt says, God, I hate that you knit, I hate everything about it, Jess asks, Why, and Schmidt says, It makes me angry and scared all at the same time, just like when I hear the phrase, Academy Award-winner, Anna Paquin

Nick says, I'm very quick on my, uh, he thinks, and Schmidt says, Did you just forget the word feet

Schmidt says, Beans are nothing but soggy nuts

Nick says, Would you like a green grape shoved in your, given to your mouth, handed to your mouth

Schmidt is standing on a table holding the light fixture and says, There it is, it's right there, it's licking its lips

Winston says, He said she ugly, Jess says, He said what, and Winston says, He said she looks like a dang 'ol meatball with hair

Nick says, You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie, you gave me a cookie, gave you cookie, gave me cookie, got you cookie, you gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man, gave me cookie, got you cookie

Nick says, When I was 10, I once walked by my mother sleeping and I snuck in the room and I put a lemon in her mouth

Coach says, You've never been turned on by gas mileage before, Winton says, Once, Schmidt asks, When was that, Winston says, It was a Thursday, that's all I remember, Schmidt asks, A Thursday, Winston says, Yeah, and Schmidt glares at him

Schmidt says, Ladies and gentlemen, drumroll, please, Nick and Jess do a tom-tom and a cymbal, Schmidt says, Cut, cut, Nick, snare drum, I shouldn't have to specify, Jess, that was a cymbal, and Jess says, Cymbals are part of the drum kit

Jess says, If he's using it right, no one's seeing his penis

Jess asks, You want my purses to be covered in gem stones, and Nick says, All guys do, that's what we think is sexy, we want to be playing a saxophone in an alley and have you walk by in a mini skirt with a purse with gems, but you girls don't listen

Winston asks, You put bologna in your Bolognese, and Nick says, Where else would it get its name, trick question, it gets it from the mayonnaise

Winston says, You've named your testicles, and they're both named Sharon, and Nick says, Yeah, so what

Schmidt reacts to the following words Fred Armisen's character reads, As his electric car powered down, he saw her virgin breasts glowing in the Alabama light, she said, Which to see, left or right, I said, Left, She showed him, it was big like a Cadillac

Jess says, Bearclaw just told me a 10 minute joke about squirrels with the punchline, Eat these nuts

In a car, Nick fist bumps and mimes the fiddle in Cotton-Eyed Joe, and Jess says, Why did you need me for this, Nick

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

Share This Article