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the sweet spot

Is Going to My Dream College Worth It?

A teenager in love worries that following her ambition and going long-distance will jeopardize her relationship.

Credit...Heidi Younger

Cheryl Strayed and

Dear Sugars,

I’m an 18-year-old woman and a recent high school graduate. I’ll soon be starting college at my dream school that’s a few hours’ drive from my home city. The college is the perfect size and atmosphere, and it has a great program for my major.

Last summer, I fell in love. From our first date, we had an incredible connection; a year later, we’re very much in love. He’ll be staying in our home city when I leave for college. He’s a year younger than me, and when he goes to college next year, it’ll be in our home city, since a local college has the only good program for his major in the state. I know we can handle a long-distance relationship, but I feel terrible that I’m the reason we have to. Aside from my desire to attend my dream college and start the next phase of my life in a new city, there’s no good, logical reason for me to leave. My boyfriend is sad we’ll be apart, but he understands my wishes. I avoid bringing up the subject with him unless I have to because I feel guilty.

Does my wanting to leave mean I don’t love him enough to stay? Would staying make our relationship more likely to succeed? Is my decision to attend my dream college incredibly selfish, or is it justified? Am I too young to be this serious about someone and/or about what I want for my life? I know this is silly, but it’s been weighing on my heart.

Guilty Girlfriend

Steve Almond: You’re not being silly. It would be silly to ignore your dilemma. Your decision to head off to college isn’t about betraying your boyfriend, though. It’s about honoring your own ambition. And I’ll bet that ambition is part of what he loves about you. There’s a long tradition of thought designed to convince women that any decision they make on their own behalf will be seen as a violation, i.e. disobedient to the men in their lives. This is the voice in your head whispering that it’s “incredibly selfish” to attend your dream college. But think about it, Guilty: would you ever say such a thing to your boyfriend? Would you even think it?

Dear Sugars Poster

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Cheryl Strayed: Go, Guilty Girlfriend. Please go. Your statement that there is no “good, logical reason” for you to leave is patently untrue. Your decision to attend college in a city away from home isn’t selfish. It’s a great plan. It’s also what you want to do. That you’ve conflated doing what you want to do with selfishness is no surprise — as Steve notes, our culture does a fine job of communicating that message to women and girls — but the two things are not the same. Your relationship with your boyfriend is important to you, but so is your education, your desire to see more of the world and your right to pursue your dreams. There is nothing selfish about honoring each of those things. If you don’t, your guilt will eventually turn into regret.

SA: You already know that you need to leave the city of your childhood. You’ve found your next destination. To cast that decision as a crime is to render love a prison. Don’t do it. One thing that will help is faith — faith that you and your boyfriend will remain connected if you both want that enough. But also, crucially, faith in yourself. After all, the whole point of heading off to your dream college is to grow and change. That can be scary and sad and destabilizing. But growth and change is the only way to lead a meaningful life. And healthy relationships make room for both parties to evolve. That’s true whether you’re 18 or 78.

CS: Your decision to move to a new city for college doesn’t function as a litmus test of the depth of your love for your boyfriend. You don’t have to choose between him and your education. You can go to college and stay connected to your boyfriend. The geographical distance will be a challenge, but so will many other things — and they would be even if you stayed in your hometown. Steve’s correct that healthy relationships are constantly evolving, but they evolve at a more rapid pace when you’re as young as you are, Guilty Girlfriend, quite simply because both you and your boyfriend are growing from adolescence into adulthood.

SA: Years ago, I fell in love with my high school girlfriend, who happened to be a year behind me in school. We both cried a lot when I left for my dream college. But we also recognized that we needed space to figure out who we were before deciding if we were meant to be. Although we eventually broke up, we remained connected for years afterward. I still think of that relationship as a gift, one that allowed me to have a little more faith in myself than I would have otherwise. Whatever happens, Guilty, I hope you find the same solace.

CS: I was deeply in love with a boy when I went off to college too. By my sophomore year we’d broken up, but not because we didn’t love each other. We parted ways because our lives were moving in different directions, but like Steve, I’m grateful for that relationship and everything I learned from it. You ask if your relationship with your boyfriend would be more likely to succeed if you stayed, but I encourage you to rethink your definition of what success means. Perhaps it isn’t whether or not the two of you stay together for the rest of your lives. Perhaps it’s whether or not you lovingly support each other wherever your paths lead you, together or apart.

A version of this article appears in print on  , Section D, Page 2 of the New York edition with the headline: College Away, Or at Home?. Order Reprints | Today’s Paper | Subscribe

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