How To Deal With Painful Sex
If It Ever Hurts When You're Getting It On, You Need To Read This
Unless you and your partner are doing it intentionally with some consensual BDSM play, having sex shouldn’t hurt. And if either of you are experiencing pain during sex, it definitely isn’t something that should be dismissed. Why? There are actually a wide variety of conditions that could be causing things to not feel right in bed -- some of which can be signs of bigger health issues.
While the majority of conditions that cause pain during sex affect women, there are still plenty that impact men as well. If you have one, you’ll want to seek out a the help of a medical professional. Never try and “tough it out’ -- you could end up doing more damage. Similarly, if you find your partner is trying to do the same, encourage her to seek help.
That being said, addressing pain sex-induced pain can be easier said than done. To make it easier, we’ve compiled a few common conditions that are culprits for causing pain during sex, and what to do if you or your partner think you might be suffering from one of them.
1. Vaginismus
What it is: It’s tough to draw a male comparison of what vaginismus feels like -- but imagine that all of a sudden, your dick decides to whack itself against something hard, completely on its own, causing you to be in way too much pain to enter your partner. It’s kind of like that. “Vaginismus involves the sudden and painful contraction of the muscles around the vagina upon penetration, which can be highly distressful,” explains Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist. “Some women find the tightening sensation so severe that they cannot handle any degree of penetration, and others describe a burning sensation that develops as penetration is prolonged or deepened.”
What causes it: “Though we don’t fully understand the conditions that give rise to vaginismus, it may be linked with inflammation, injury, past trauma, vestibulodynia (hypersensitive nerve endings near the vaginal opening), stress and psychological factors,” Dr. O’Reilly explains.
What you can do about it: “Talk to your doctor about your specific experiences to pinpoint or rule-out medical causes,” Dr. O’Reilly suggests. “If the cause is psychogenic, you may also want to seek counseling from a professional who can support you through a program of improvement/recovery. This type of program might include exercises in breathing, relaxation, visualization, meditation, desensitization, moisturizing, pelvic floor therapy, masturbation and gradual insertions with dilators.”
Pro tip: Even if the issue is psychological, don’t tell your partner that this pain is all in her head. What she’s experiencing is very real -- and really hurts. Not sure how to bring it up? Get the conversation started by showing her this article (you’re welcome).
2. Dyspareunia
What it is: It sounds like a scary word, but basically dyspareunia is an umbrella term that refers to pain during and after intercourse for women -- which affects an estimated 8 to 20% of the U.S. population. “Dyspareunia is generalized pain including sudden pain after intercourse, deep pain during thrusting, and burning pain anywhere in the vagina or pelvic floor,” explains Dr. Jenni Skyler, certified sex therapist, sexologist and licensed marriage and family therapist for AdamEve.com.
What causes it: Causes of dyspareunia can run the gamut, Dr. Skyler says, from something simple like inadequate lubrication, to previous injury, tight pelvic floor muscles, endometriosis, uterine fibroids, ovarian cysts, sexual trauma to the vagina, vaginal infection, poor reaction to birth control, anatomy issues or a past surgery. “There is often an emotional component that becomes part of the negative feedback loop,” she adds. “If a woman has experienced past pain, she may have anxiety around sex and subsequently tighten her muscles in anticipation.”
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What to do about it: Seek the help of a professional to identify the cause. “Once you have a diagnosis, a pelvic floor physical therapist and/or a sex therapist can help find a pathway out of pain and into pleasure,” says Dr. Skyler.
3. Dysorgasmia / Orgasmalgia
What it is: Known as dysorgasmia or orgasmalgia, men who suffer from this condition experience pain during ejaculation.
What causes it: According to Dr. Skyler, this can be caused by a variety of things. “Surgeries that involve the prostate sometimes lead to side effects around painful orgasms for men,” she explains. “Cysts or stones can develop, blocking a man’s ability to ejaculate. Some STIs, such as trichomoniasis can also cause painful orgasm.”
What to do about it: “Some of these issues may resolve on their own, but they are worth discussing with your primary care physician,” Dr. Skyler says. “If you have had a prostate cancer, or issues with your prostate it is worth mentioning because it can sometimes indicate a complication or side effect of surgery.”
4. Vasocongestion
What it is: You probably know what vasocongestion (aka blue balls) is -- but we’ll give you the scientific answer. "Blue balls happens when the male sex organs aren't able to release the blood that swells during the arousal process," explains Eric M. Garrison, clinical sexologist, best-selling author and professor of masculinity studies at William & Mary College.
What causes it: Ever wonder where the name blue balls came from? As Garrison explains, when the blood that’s responsible for giving you an erection doesn’t get released from orgasm, it causes congestion in your balls. "If there's too much oxygenated blood in the penis, this will make the testicles look blue," he says. The more you know.
What to do about it: Get rid of the erection -- whether that means masturbating to orgasm, or by distracting yourself away from being aroused. "If you were right in the middle of sex and you heard someone behind you start a chainsaw, or if lightning struck, or you heard your in-laws shout, 'We're here a day early!,' any of those things would cause an immediate drop in sex drive," says Garrison. "Any response like that will cause vasocongestion to go away faster." If you don’t have a chainsaw at your disposal, a cold shower should do the trick.
5. Phimosis / Paraphimosis
What it is: Some bad news for men with foreskin: there are a few conditions that can cause pain during sex if you haven’t been circumcised. “Phimosis is a condition where the foreskin is either damaged or too tightly constricting the head of the penis,” Dr. Skyler explains. “Paraphimosis is when the foreskin is stuck behind the head of the penis and can't be pulled forward.”
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What to do about it: While the solve for severe cases is circumcision (don’t shoot the messenger), there are other options that can help depending on your specific condition. But your first step should be to consult your doctor.
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