ADHD Intensity and the Flying Fingers of Fearless Focus!

http://xkcd.com/386/

 

This past week I forgot my first rule of Internet engagement: Understand and acknowledge the other person’s feelings before disagreeing with their facts. When I follow this rule, more times than not the conversation goes well, even if we ultimately disagree. Yes, there are some people who just want to see the world burn, or more specifically, see you burn, but they’re in the minority. Most people on Twitter and Facebook simply feel just as strongly about their opinions as you do. This is why finding common ground with them before you disagree with them is so important.

Unfortunately, every once in a while somebody says something that makes me stop and say, “Hold on now. That’s not right.” You might be thinking that this is just another example of Douglas writing about Foot-in-Mouth disease, and there certainly could be a case made for it, but I don’t get into flame wars on the Internet anymore. No, really. Stop snorting. Its been years since I donned flame retardent clothing and jumped into the fray shouting “Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!” For the past few years I’ve been more interested in convincing people through reasoned argument than being “witty” and “clever” with glib retorts, but I still have a serious problem with ADHD-born intensity.

While I may be feeling level headed and calm as I type the Death Star of text replies, there is a degree of excitement that creeps in. When you focus that excitement through an ADHD lens, you create a visceral intensity that powers words even across the ether. It leads people to think I’m angry or hostile when I’m not. Strangers and friends can sometimes feel like they are at the receiving end of a rocket-launched missle. Oh, I am holy in my righteous glory! Behold my flying fingers of fearless focus!

My first rule of Internet engagement is there to protect me as much as the people I engage with. Firstly, it protects me from getting carelessly embroiled in a heated debate as they shoot me, the messenger. Secondly, it helps me be a better person. By addressing their feelings first, I let them know I am not their enemy. They may not like me disagreeing with them, but at least they know I am not out to get them.

When I debated a friend on Facebook the other day over an issue, I didn’t keep the rule in mind. Consequently, she didn’t see my reasons or facts. She just assumed I was angry and didn’t respect her opinion. Now, I didn’t use harsh or insulting language, but I did respond in a four paragraphs to one ratio. There may have even been exclamations involved. I began to have a suspicion the day afterwards that something was amiss. I wrote the first version of this blog where I realized I owed her an apology, but before I could post it, she sent me a private message showing me that she couldn’t have misunderstood me more if I had written in pig latin then rot-thirteened it. Clearly, her feelings were running high when she read my reply. Yet I can also see where my approach definitely should have been softened. There was too much exuberance & indignation. I was caught up in the excitement of the debate. In her first public reply, she clearly misunderstood my intensity as anger, yet I didn’t take a breather and apply that first rule. I wrote more instead. Consequently, she feared future clashes and blocked me. Twenty years of friendship gone in a hail of clattering keys.

ADHD intensity is a wonderful tool when engaged constructively, but without structure, the intensity can burn in people’s faces like a blazing comet. Curiously, not a lot of people like bright flares of glory in their face. Go figure. Time and again we open our mouths to “help” wayward minds get back onto the path of light, then get surprised by a quiver of arrows in the face. The truth is that nobody is going to thank you for showing them publicly why they are wrong. That’s a pyrrhic victory for you at best. After all, in these types of debates you’re often the only one who thinks you’re in the right. Their feelings about their facts trump your feelings about your facts. Addressing their feelings first can help diffuse this.

It is been a while since I have burned a relationship because I lost control of my ADHD. I’ve become better at avoiding these sorts of conflicts over the years. I suppose I was overdue. Despite her own exuberance and unintentionally insulting tone, if I had only stopped myself to learn how sensitive the subject was for her, I probably would have handled things better. This probably means I won’t be getting one of her funny Christmas cards this year. I’ll have to comfort myself by finishing a book she gifted me only a few months ago, and recommit to acknowledging the other person’s feelings before disagreeing with their facts. It’s the only way I’ve found that keeps this darling ADHD attribute in check.

(This article has been edited for brevity. It meandered like a mountain stream, and was twice as long.)

 

Upsides to ADHD: Overcoming Your Sense of Underachievement

One of the distinctive aspects of ADHD in adults is an overwhelming sense of underachievement. Sometimes this is due to them never getting out of the gate while their peers race ahead, and sometimes they have actually accomplished a great deal, but from the wrong ToDo lists. Both examples can leave ADHD adults with a pervasive feeling of underachievement, even if they accomplish a great deal more than their peers.

I imagine the skeptics out there are sitting up and asking, “But doesn’t everybody miss goals? Don’t even overachievers miss goals? Everybody misses goals!” I’ve heard similar comments like that for years from people who believe ADHD is a myth. It makes me wonder if they are the type of people to dismiss the sickness of a loved one with “What are you complaining about? Everybody sneezes. Everybody coughs.” As you can guess from the example, it’s not the symptom itself that marks a problem, it’s the intensity and quantity of the symptom. Yes, everybody does indeed miss goals here and there. It’s a part of life. What makes this unique for people with ADHD, is that the sense of underachievement is overwhelming, sometimes to the point of becoming debilitating. Many adults with ADHD are so used to falling short of the mark that they come to expect it of themselves.

Therapists will focus on this sense of underachievement, giving the patient advice on how to think better about themselves, how to be better focused, and how to give themselves credit for what they have successfully accomplished. This is good and necessary advice. A lifetime of under par performances, mistakes, and reprimands creates very low self-esteem.

The Exceptions to the Rule

It’s interesting to note, however, that not all adults with ADHD have this problem. If you’ve studied ADHD online, you’ve come across the lists of successful people who have ADHD. Actress Emma Watson, singers Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, JetBlue founder David Neeleman, Glenn Beck, and Virgin Group founder Sir Richard Branson have publicly stated that they have ADHD. The message of the lists is clear. “Don’t give up! You can succeed with ADHD!” The questions I always had after seeing those lists, though, was how do they do it? What’s their trick? What are they doing differently that I am not? How do their thoughts about ADHD shortcomings diverge from mine? In the past, when I was floundering, these lists didn’t help me. You might as well have told me to be perfect. I was too deep in the flaw. What I learned over time, however, was that the answer to all those questions was simple: Stop thinking of ADHD as having only shortcomings.

I believe that every character flaw is a talent gone awry. Strong self-confidence can become arrogance. Laser focus can become tunnel vision. It’s the excess that turns a talent into a flaw. If we come at ADHD’s sense of underachievement from the opposite direction—as a talent gone awry or as an advantage instead of a shortcoming—what could the upside of such a damaged sense of self be?

A Compelling Awareness of What Needs to Be Achieved

Celebrities and business execs with ADHD experience failure just like everybody else, but they prioritize their focus on what needs to be done in the future instead of focusing on what hasn’t been done in the past. They take our lovely ADHD hyperfocus and apply it to progress instead of rumination. It’s a matter of perception: positive vs. negative. Obviously, I have no crystal ball into the minds of others. However, I have read their interviews. New projects and lists of things to do are treated by them as opportunities to display their abilities, not future evidence of their failure.

David Neeleman of JetBlue understands this quite well. “I knew I had strengths that other people didn’t have, and my parents reminded me of them when my teachers didn’t see them.” A positive perspective makes a monumental difference in how they approach a project as opposed to those who are shackled with an overwhelming sense of underachievement. Successful people in general give themselves credit where credit is due. They are satisfied with their efforts and feel good about themselves. The ADHD twist on this is intensity, frequency, and hyperfocus. They are not only aware of what needs to be done, they feel compelled to go do it.

Turning a Sense of Underachievement into an Awareness of What Needs to Be Achieved

Before we can flip the switch on this ADHD trait from detriment to asset, we should understand that knowing what needs to be done is not the same as never being satisfied with our efforts. In my experience, people confuse the two concepts whether they have ADHD or not. I have been cautioned in my past on many occasions because people assumed I was never satisfied with my efforts when in reality, I was fully focused on what needed to come next. The problem was that I had low self-esteem and allowed their words to deflate me. And who knows? Maybe I was a lot more negative than I should have been, giving others fuel to criticize and caution. I was certainly not as self-confident then as I am now. I hadn’t learned what Paul Orfalea of Kinko’s had learned: "With ADD, you’re curious. Your eyes believe what they see. Your ears believe what others say. I learned to trust my eyes.”³

To learn to trust ourselves after a lifetime of being swatted on the nose, we need to change our perspective. We already have the awareness of what needs to be achieved. The problem is that it’s focused backwards. Because of this, we’ve developed negative cognitive habits. Try these exercises to help train your ADHD mind to think forward.

1. Let the past go – For many of us, our past mistakes were used like a rolled up newspaper to punish us. With all the mistakes that people with ADHD tend to make, this turned attention in our lives to our failures. Now it’s time we stopped dwelling on the mistakes of the past. It’s not healthy or constructive. As soon as you realize you’re dwelling on your lack of achievements again, stop, then focus instead on something you’re looking forward to. If you must think about an unfinished project in your past, form a mental image of how you could have done things differently, then jot down on a piece of paper your devised action plan. Now crumple it up and throw it out. The trick is to commit to doing things differently next time, but turn your focus onto something you have control over. Learn to think forward. Apply yourself to things you can still change.
2. Think of one positive personal accomplishment every day – Since appreciating our strengths, skills, and accomplishments doesn’t come naturally for many of us, we need to practice at it. Think of a positive thing that you’ve done. Write it down. When that gets easy, think of two. Do this every day for three weeks, and you’ll be on your way to a new habit. For some of you, it will be difficult at first. Being positive about your accomplishments may not come naturally. Your sense of self-worth, as mine once was many years ago, may be so wrapped up in a pervasive identity of failure that you cannot conceive you’ve done anything good or worthwhile, so start small. I’m not talking about making a list of grand achievements that shaped mankind. Think about the small things that you do despite your ADHD every day—the tiny victories that need to be knowledged. “I was on time to work today,” “I didn’t talk over anybody,” or even “Paperwork filed on time.” Climb higher and avoid the low hanging fruit after a few days. You are more accomplished than you realize.
3. Pick two to three past projects, and fix them on paper – If you’re having a hard time letting go of the past, it might be a productive mental exercise to pick three projects that you feel were personal failures, then write down on a sheet of paper the things that you did right versus the things that you did wrong. If it helps, record it on audio or video. Whichever way works best for your thought process. Analyze the project’s ups and downs, but only address the elements that you had control over. There may be any number of reasons why a project failed, but it’s easy to blame other people. Focus only on your responsibilities. What could you have done differently? Then commit yourself to doing those things differently in the future. If you feel anchored in your past, this may be a way of helping you process the past in a more constructive fashion. However, if you cannot trust yourself to keep this as a mental exercise only, go on to the next step.
4. Pick three projects and plan out how to fix them – Those famous people with ADHD who aren’t burdened by a sense of underachievement are doers. They are always busy working on the next thing. It’s time for you to work on the next thing. Pick a project, small in scope, that you can finish in perhaps a day or two. Organize your time so that you can tackle this project from start to finish, and then go do it! Afterwards, be prepared to feel good about it. Then start the next project. Build on the complexity of the previous projects. If these projects dovetail well with work, then all the better, but if that’s too big of a leap, start with something small. Tackle your email box. Tackle that pile in the den. If you have a taste for something more complex, tackle the garage, for example. Break the project down into smaller steps, and take on each step one at a time so that you don’t get sacked. The trick here is to do something small scale and simple that gives you a sense of accomplishment. There may be other ADHD traits that affect your ability to undertake this step, which is why I recommend that you start small. Persevere. It’s worth the effort.

I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to start small, then build up to greater complexity. You won’t be doing yourself any favors if you impatiently take on massive projects. You don’t want to have yet another project abandoned in your backyard or yet another unfinished task to weigh upon your mind. However, if you can train yourself to think forward for a change, can think positively about yourself, and can follow through on finishing small projects, you will be well on your way towards flipping the switch on this ADHD trait. When hyperfocus is coupled with healthy self-esteem and a game plan, the ADHD adult is grounded in a sense of self-accomplishment and armed with powerful tools for success.

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Saturday – 6:58 PM: My original goal was to publish a draft of a chapter from my Twelve Ways to Fight Off Depression book every week, and do the same for Upsides to ADHD on the 10th, 20th, & 30th. Obviously, that has not happened. While it is true that I’ve been sick with a nasty virus for the past FIVE weeks, the amount of work involved in these two first chapters is making me rethink my game plan. I love pingponging between the two subjects, which works wonderfully with my ADHD, but I don’t want to sacrifice quality in order to make a self-imposed deadline. I will give myself March to see if I can pull this off, then reevaluate my plans accordingly. It’s only by pushing myself that I can discover my limitations, then devise workarounds.

In the meantime, research is mostly done for Pokémon Ultra Beasts in 5 Easy Steps. I’m still trying to discern a repeatable path from Ultra Beast to the older Legendaries. Since Pokémon Sun and Moon (SuMo) are Generation VII games, they have a brand new format for Pokémon making them incompatible with older games, similar to the break of Gen III from Gen II. Moving a Pokémon from Omega Ruby or Alpha Sapphire (ORAS), for example, requires a Pokébank account, then first transferring the beastie from ORAS to the bank, then transferring it into SuMo. Needless to say, not a lot of people bother doing that except collectors, so those old legendaries are hard to get. You have to be offering exactly what a rare few people are looking for. At any rate, I hope to wrap that research up over the weekend. Then I can add writing this sequel to my list of too many things to do.

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If you want to know more about the books I have already written, you might find this stupendous link click worthy.

How to Take Charge of Your ADHD Voicemail Hell

Ever find yourself missing important messages because your voicemail box is filled with half a decade of unlistened to calls? There might be a solution for that.

Adult ADHD is almost like the Baskin Robbins of the mental health community. There are so many flavors of ADHD, you can be forgiven for questioning if they’re all from the same diagnosis. Some adults with ADHD daydream. Others are chronically late. Some run their mouths off with their feet in the way. Others never stop talking. Some forget why they went to the store. Others forget who they just called because something distracted them after they dialed. There are plenty of attributes that we all have in common, but I am constantly surprised by how diverse the ADHD community is. One size truly does not fit all.

I find that I have difficulty getting organized, I have chronic procrastination issues, I have trouble following through, and all because I have an intolerance for boredom. Those are fairly basic ADHD attributes, but where I notice them intersecting with uncomfortable intensity is with tasks like email, paper piles, bills, and voice mail.

In short, I have an aversion to drudgery. Most people do. The ADHD mind, however, seems Teflon coated to protect itself from boredom. The second boredom occurs, the ADHD mind is off crossing the English Channel, launching into space, or thinking about anything but what it is supposed to be.

I’ve noticed that Adults with ADHD have a tendency to create these types of backlogs at a higher frequency than others. They can become stumbling blocks that worsen over time because the ADHD mind recoils at boredom. Today I want to touch upon how that creates our own version of voice mail hell.

For all the creative energy I put into my voicemail greeting, I sure don’t put as much energy into listening to the messages people leave for me. Somehow, it slips my mind. People reach out to me, the years pass, glaciers move across the continent, and suddenly I notice I have voicemails all the way back to 1995. Most are just doctor offices letting me know about an upcoming appointment, but some are important messages with information I had inquired about. Other times, I found messages from my lovely daughters that were never listened to. I might be only slightly exaggerating, but overall it can get bad.

There are primarily four methods to manage voicemail:

1. Shut off voicemail. I don’t recommend this one, but there is no law that says you need voicemail. The best mess is the one that doesn’t exist, right⸮
2. Keep on top of your messages daily by deleting most of them. Build a habit of triaging your messages. I will chuck the dull reminder messages first, as well as the followup messages from school or the doctor’s office. Don’t be afraid to delete a message halfway through your first listen. Work fast and get the drudgery over with. Family messages I save if they’re personal and heartwarming. That leaves me with the messages that are time sensitive. I return those calls, then delete the voicemail when I’m done.
3. Prune your messages a little bit every day. Sometimes life will get in the way of your efficiency. At those times, it is easy to fall behind your voicemail. I get sick a lot, so there are many occasions where I begin to feel buried by the backlog. To get back on top, I’ll set the goal to process five voicemail a day using the criteria above. It doesn’t take long, and very quickly I’ll find myself caught up. I also make it a point to prioritize current voicemail first.
4. Declare Voicemail Bankruptcy. Sadly, I find this is a necessary step every few years. For example, coming out of COVID and six months of respiratory viruses, I found my voicemail backlog almost too much to process. Pruning old voicemail everyday was exhausting me and leaving me with no energy for the important calls. A year later, and I still hadn’t caught up. Frankly, if you’re still holding onto a message from three years ago, it’s likely not relevant anymore. Do what I did. Select them all and flush them down the binary toilet. Now I am able to stay on top of my voicemail and respond to current issues in a timely manner again.

If you are the type of person to create a voicemail backlog, then dutifully slog through it for an eternity, you might need permission to free yourself from your self-imposed shackles. Old voicemail is no longer relevant; time is precious; and unfinished projects have an emotional weight that can bind you in the past. Choose the most prudent solution above for your circumstances and make your voicemail useful again.

~Dˢ

ADHD Jumps in Reasoning - When I'm Like Kanye West

I’m sitting here typing deep in the Uinta-Wasatch-Cache National Forest, east of Spanish Fork, and cut off from the internet. I came along to be on hand for my daughter’s girls camp just in case she had a seizure. I don’t have much to do except keep myself busy. I’ve finished a journal. Wrote three articles for submission to a magazine. Practiced my pennywhistle and ocarina daily. Exercised. Went for a hike in the mountains and got lost. Followed a path that became, I assume, a deer trail. Followed the trail deep into the thicket all the way to an animal den. Didn’t get eaten. Made my way back. I plan on writing a few blog entries to get ahead. I want to work out a Middle Grade non-fiction idea for submission to an editor. I may start revising my current novel with the feedback I received from WIFYR last week. And now I’m thinking about Kanye West and that brouhaha from a few weeks back.

ADHD - Of Cocteau Twins and Shoujo Title Generators

Ever wonder what it was like to have ADHD? I can help you out with that.

I’ve recently made a goal of tagging all my published blog articles so I can see which ones haven’t been published. OS X allows me to tag files with colored dots. That way all the untagged files will stand out. OS 9 used to allow the entire filename to be colorized so that it would shout out at me from the din, but now we are living in the future where small dots of color are considered more noticeable than one inch long filenames in pulsating bright green. Regardless, now that I’ve slogged through the past three years of posts, I have discovered an alarmingly high number of posts that never saw the light of day. It’s as if some unnamed power gripped my mind and caused me to wander off. I wonder if there’s a name for it…

Some of the lost blogs have great descriptive names like “Untitled 3.txt” and “Food.txt”. Today’s entry is based on a text file with the sagacious label of “I share the.txt”. I know you’re gonna love it.

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I share the following so that you can understand the types of things that excite me, but also how ADHD leads me on merry distractions. This will likely be my blog topic this week (I wrote in April 2015).

I just discovered that I did not miss buying the final Cocteau Twins album, Lullabies to Violaine. It was released as a limited edition boxed set in 2005 and contains almost all the B sides and EPs that hadn’t seen print for ages. I was busy helping my daughter Joy​ launch her podcast and singing career that year while homeschooling Cathryn​ & Lorelai​, while also producing a podcast of my own with Cathryn. That podcast, Harry Podder, was featured in a graphic during a Stevenote when Steve Jobs was introducing podcasts to his audience. At any rate, a friend sent me an MP3 of one of the tracks on the album. It was wonderful, so I searched far and wide on the internet for “the track name, and discovered Lullabies to Violaine. There it was on iTunes, Volumes 1 & 2 for $17.99 each. On Amazon.com I could get those double CDs for $12.99 ea. Hmm, decisions. Wait, and save $10, or splurge and have them NOW… Then I saw it. There was ONE copy left of the limited edition boxed set of all four CDs. It was only $39.99 and included all 4 CDs. Why was I excited to buy this edition instead of saving money on the barebones individual CDs? Are you kidding me? The CDs were lovingly presented in a fold-out package made of a strange dream-like substance: ”Curious Soft Touch Milk“. Who wouldn’t want to buy a limited edition boxed set made out of that? It sounds like a shoujo manga title.

At this point, the ADHD kicked in. No, really. I was totally not distracted before this. Anyway. If you don’t know what I mean by ”shoujo“, give this page a few reloads. Shoujo manga is what they call girls comics in Japan. They have airy, sweet titles, often in English, that make no sense. That random shoujo title generator is spookily on the nose. I found examples like:

Moonlight Icicle Princess
Strawberry Dawn Kiss
Cherry Butterfly Childhood
Detective Marionette Hunters
A Cup of Paradise Wonderland
and
Sweet Sugar-sprinkled Bandits

I found myself thinking those titles sounded like stories Arina Tanemura would illustrate. Suddenly, I realized that I was just sitting there reloading a stupid web page when I had writing and errands to do. So I sheepishly closed the page and gathered my thoughts here. I’ll make a blog of it so it won’t be a total waste of time (I wrote three years ago…). I actually spent more time writing this than I did being distracted, but for me, this is ADHD at work. It’s a wonder I get anything done.

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It is a wonder, indeed.

You know, I never did buy that album. I got distracted and forgot about it. A week later it was gone. I missed buying it, after all.

From time to time, I will refer to something as ”Classic ADHD“, then be called out because ”everybody has that problem“. They usually confuse my self-deprecating humor as some sort of victim impact statement, then feel the need to correct me. I offer this blog entry as exhibit one in my defense.

Everybody does get distracted from time to time. Older people dealing with ”senior moments“ may be distracted more than others. People with brain injuries get distracted. People on medication…people with sleep deprivation…the list is long and varied. However, what marks ADHD is not the distractions. It’s the intensity and frequency of the distractions. My trip down Curious Soft Touch Milk Lane is just one detour of many I will experience that day. Every day. Every week. If I’m lucky, I’ll catch on before too much time is wasted. This morning I lost eighty minutes reading news and posting to Twitter. Now I’m blogging instead of working on my book. Fortunately, I see this as work, too, but there’s need for balance. ADHD adults often lack that balance. It puts us terribly behind. That’s why I like to poke fun of it, and let some of the stress go.

There are plenty of people out there who will scold you. Don’t be one of them. Learn to laugh at yourself when these glorious distractions happen. At least smile. The distractions are a bit funny. Then refocus in on your task at hand. Sometimes, it’s all that you can do.

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If you like distractions, you should read my book on Pokémon. I’m working on another one just like it before delving into mental health topics again.

Hallowell and Ratey's Diagnostic Criteria for ADD in Adults

If you have ever found yourself putting the milk away in the cereal cupboard on a regular basis or reading a magazine in the lobby long after that meeting you were supposed to be at started and wondered whether you have ADD or ADHD or AD/HD or Hyper Kinesis or Minimal Brain Dysfunction or whatever they're calling it this year, you could do no better for yourself than to turn to Doctors Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey for diagnosis.

I have long linked to their classic book on ADHD, "Driven to Distraction", on my site and have used their list of criteria as fodder for many articles. Their book explores the phenomenon of ADHD through the cases of Dr. Hallowell and provides in depth descriptions of the various aspects of this disorder. I found the book revelatory and insightful, even comforting. I especially found it useful in providing words for me to help explain myself better to my wife in the early years of our marriage. I am much more articulate now than I was then but I still find this book an irreplaceable reference to own.

For your convenience, I am listing their very comprehensive list of criteria here with links to my articles based on each point. For more information on each point, please refer to their book or follow the link to my article. If you find yourself within these twenty points I heartily recommend that you purchase their book or at least borrow it from the town library. I feel confident that you won't regret it. Please keep in mind, however, that ADHD traits mirror those found in everyday, average people. The difference is in their intensity and disfunction. Also keep in mind that this list tends to focus on the negative aspects of ADHD.

SUGGESTED DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA FOR ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER IN ADULTS

NOTE: Consider a criterion met only if the behavior is considerably more frequent than that of most people of the same mental age.

A. A chronic disturbance in which at least fifteen of the following are present:

1. A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one's goals (regardless of how much one has actually accomplished).
2. Difficulty getting organized.
3. Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started.
4. Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow-through.
5. Tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark.
6. A frequent search for high stimulation.
7. An intolerance of boredom.
8. Easy distractibility, trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or a conversation, often couple with an ability to hyperfocus at times.
9. Often creative, inituitive, highly intelligent.
10. Trouble in going through established channels, following "proper" procedure.
11. Impatient; low tolerance for frustration.
12. Impulsive, either verbally or in action, as in impulsive spending of money, changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans, and the like.
13. Tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly; tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about, alternating with inattention to or disregard for actual dangers.
14. Sense of insecurity.
15. Mood swings, mood lability, especially when disengaged from a person or a project.
16. Restlessness
17. Tendency toward addictive behavior.
18. Chronic problems with self-esteem.
19. Inaccurate self-observation.
20. Family history of ADD or manic-depressive illness or depression or substance abuse or other disorders of impulse control or mood.

B. Childhood history of ADD.
C. Situation not explained by other medical or psychiatric condition.

Driven to Distraction, page 73

tags technorati : ADD ADHD AD/HD Hallowell Ratey Diagnosis

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Week Three in Progress: My Greatest Obstacle Is Myself

So far this has been an excellent project to undertake.

For those who have not been following along all month, I have decided to do something about my Multi-Irons Syndrome once and for all. I have deliberately picked two projects — one paying, one private — and set them as the ONLY projects I will allow myself to work on. This is a very difficult task for somebody like me with an ADHD brain so terrified of tedium that it commits me to at least 39 new and exciting projects each and every morning before I've had my breakfast.

As I make mental notes of when I become distracted, what caused it, and what type of distraction it was, I've identified a few more distractions in my life to add to the list. Each one plays its part to block me from success. My goal is to figure out how to manage these distractions so I can get busy doing what I want to be doing:

1. It is really difficult just to pick ONE task to work on. Here I am considering what I want to do with my life and how I'm going to focus so that I spend my precious time working on the goals of my heart, and I can't make up my mind. My problem is I want to do everything. I don't want to pick just one task even knowing I won't have time to achieve any of the three goals I set out for myself. The ADHD component of this is that each goal I want to meet presses upon me with the same amount of intensity. It is hard to separate whim from heartfelt desire.
   
   
2. One thing that really messes with my mojo is family life. With a 16, 13, 9, and 6 year old at home, there are wide and diverse distractions every moment of every day — all of which make it hard to build momentum. One way I get through the ADHD fog is to immerse myself into a project, but if I'm responsible for caretaking I cannot afford that immersion.
   
   
3. My addiction to information reveals itself in the form of habitual news reading. Obviously, I must kick this habit. I have ordered "When Too Much Isn't Enough: Ending the Destructive Cycle of AD/HD and Addictive Behavior" by Wendy Richardson to that end. I'll review the book after it arrives and I've had a chance to test it.
   
   
4. The last item I am starting to see as a serious roadblock to my success is my insomnia. This, too, is going to need greater analysis.

All things considered, however, having only two goals to work on has been beneficial even with sundry distractions. I have enjoyed working on my Benjamin Fudge book. It is nearly completed. In fact, I will have the first draft finished this weekend. With the week long writer's workshop coming up next month, I need this book at a good stopping point. When I began the month I was not certain which manuscript I would be bringing. Now that I am officially enrolled in Brandon Sanderson's class I need to prepare my middle grade novel. I only need to have two chapters of that ready for the workshop. Since I already have them finished I find myself in the unusual position of being prepared weeks early. This gives me plenty of time to further work on my story time line, gather my notes, prepare other ideas for the class, turn my sleep schedule around, etc. Although the early morning time of each class has me more than a little bit worried, I am otherwise extremely excited about this opportunity.

My website project, on the other hand, has been stalled of late. I am hoping to kick it into gear today with the beginning of the Memorial Day weekend. The distractions and obstacles I have mentioned have all played their part in keeping me from tackling this project. I have finished my research and have had an excellent client meeting. I need to begin the design phase next, and have found myself in limbo waiting for my software updates to arrive. I am not discouraged, however. Everything I discover this month is going to benefit me in the long run. Starting next month I will begin tackling each ADHD hang up one at a time. If I don't discover information of general use for my blog readers, at the very least I can apply these coping strategies to my current assignment and make it a positive experience.

All in all, a great experiment. I have loved reading all your comments and apologize for not responding to them as promptly as I would like. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I wish you luck, too, in your endeavors to master yourself and take back your life from ADHD and Depression.


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Guess What! You're Not Overly Negative or Hard To Please

People with ADHD are known for being hyperactive, but activity isn’t the only way that they are hyper. They can be hypersensitive to all manner of sensations, like sound, touch, and taste, but they are not alone. In recent years hypersensitivity has been recognized as a positive personality trait. I read about this recently over at Lifehacker and was surprised how upbeat the coverage of the trait was. There was even a handy quiz to aid self-diagnosis.

How Being Highly Sensitive Affects ADHD

Are you usually accused of being too sensitive? I am constantly told I am too sensitive. I’m told I’m too picky, too thin skinned, too negative…yet over time I have found this hypersensitivity to be one of my greatest attributes. Certainly there is a detriment to being highly sensitive, especially when we allow them to control us instead of use the trait as a tool. This seems to be the problem for highly sensitive adults with ADHD. The enhanced perceptions serve as irritants or distractions and affect how others see us. A family member told me over Christmas that he wasn’t surprised I didn’t like a certain movie because “you don’t like anything”. I was flabbergasted because it simply wasn’t true, yet that was the perception many family members’ had of me. Why was this?

Years ago I described the hypersensitivity this way:

It’s like trying to listen to your favorite radio station on the beach when the guy next to you is listening to another station at full volume. There is cacophony. Frustration. Noise. Likewise, odor becomes noise. Touch becomes noise. Taste becomes noise. They crowd out the other thoughts…

Is There an Upside to the Downsides of Hypersensitivity?

Flaws stand out to me loudly as if broadcast with a megaphone while wearing a fluorescent yellow banana suit with blinking lights. A plot hole in a movie or a bad ending can ruin the entire experience for me. Scorched food tastes repulsive. Twisted clothes annoy me. Subwoofers feel designed to torment me on the sub molecular level. Family gatherings overwhelm me because of the noise & commotion. Tragedy derails me for weeks, if not months, because the pain feels like a hole as deep as an ocean in my heart. Yet, this high sensitivity can be a blessing. I enjoy nuances that others miss. I notice micro expressions on faces that betray their thoughts and give me advance warning. The social cues that ADHD adults often miss can be compensated for with that one aspect of the trait alone! I gravitate towards exotic flavors introducing me constantly to new food experiences, subtle scents in the wind awaken my mind, music is emotionally transcendental, and art floods me with feelings of light and joy. Some may argue that everybody is like that, but it is my experience that what sets me and other Highly Sensitive People apart is the intensity in which we experience life, both the highs and the lows.

If you have ever watched in puzzlement when a family member or friend is overwhelmed by simple noises or commotion that doesn’t disturb you at all, or irritated by seemingly insignificant flaws that you didn’t even notice, try to imagine how much more they enjoy the small nuances of life than you do. They are hyper sensitive, or in other words, hyper aware. It’s OK. Don’t resent it. You aren’t shaken up like they are by random events. Unlike Highly Sensitive People, things tend to roll off your back. Don’t deny them the flip side to the coin of all their persnickety finickiness.

Turn the Flaw into a Talent

My only regret is that it has taken me so many years to learn to control these perceptions. Too often they have been giant boulders in my path, too tall & wide to circumvent. Progress has been halted time and again by seemingly insignificant details that for me are yellow & black striped mountains of caution. They aren’t imaginary problems, but assuming I can calm myself from being irritated or overwhelmed, the plus sides define me and set me apart as a person. In fact, I’ve come to see my high sensitivity as one of my greatest attributes. I think too deeply? OK, fine. Maybe the people complaining are too superficial. I’m hard to please? Perhaps, but it can also be true that those who criticize me are too easily pleased. Somewhere there is a happy medium, but it doesn’t have to involve accepting the ridicule and disapproval of others, nor does your high sensitivity have to rule you like a picky overlord. Common anxiety management techniques can help keep the negatives in check, freeing you to enjoy the nuances of life that this trait has made aware to you.

Edited to remove some notes I left for myself at the end that were for another blog. Whoops…

ADHD Adults Need a Little Self Control

Being distracted goes hand in hand with ADHD like crime & punishment, yet sometimes a harmless stroll around the internet has damaging repercussions. Late assignments, missed deadlines, bank fees, lost friendships, addiction… It sure seems unfair to be born this way. I mean, normal people never get distracted on the internet. Only we, poor, ADHD adults struggle with this great human tragedy.

Except you know that isn’t true. The dopamine hit that everybody gets for likes, favorites, and new posts works across the human spectrum. Adults with ADHD just fall into the trap quicker and often with more intensity. It’s a good thing that technology is here to help us with our problem with technology.

🙈 See No Evil

The best solution I have found is to prevent myself from having access to the sites I currently waste time on. I usually fire up TextMate to edit my hosts file buried deep in the hidden /private/etc/ folder. I’ve also been known to use vi to do the deed in Terminal, but I’m a Mac geek. When I’m really bad, I’ll even edit the net router settings to lock out those sites from all my devices.

For the most part, editing the hosts file works great for keeping me from news and social media sites, but sometimes I forget to put things back the way they were. What this means is that when I block the Drudge Report during election season on a day I need to get work done, I’ll usually forget to unblock it. I’ll discover my mistake when I’m relaxing in bed in the dark with a bright screen a few inches from my face. Then I realize I need to edit my hosts file, so I’ll climb out of bed, edit the file, and forget to return to bed. Maybe you can’t relate.

Now I don’t have to do that anymore. An app ironically called SelfControl will automate all of that for you. Just add your list of naughty sites, set a time limit!, and SelfControl will edit the hosts file for you and block you from those sites only while the timer is in effect. If you change the hosts file manually, SelfControl will reblock those sites during the allotted period. It’ll even survive a reboot. (Of course, that just means if you try to get around the block by rebooting, your hosts file is still set to block all those sites.) SelfControl makes you obey as soon as you put it in control, then gets out of the way when the timer ends. I did find myself force quitting the app and editing the hosts file so that I could send out a tweet at one point, but overall I find it very effective for keeping me well behaved and focused. Why I didn’t just use the iPhone in front of me to send that tweet is a problem to be explored on another blog. In the meantime, Mac users should definitely check out SelfControl if they’re looking for some self-imposed governance to keep them on task.

What do you think? Have you ever edited your hosts file to keep yourself productive? Maybe you’re a Windows user who has found another solution? Let us know in the comments below. Whatever your solution, I’m sure somebody out there needs to hear from you.

SelfControl: http://selfcontrolapp.com

AD/HD: Kids with AD/HD Are More Likely To Smoke

Researchers at Duke University Medical Center have reported that the more severe a child displays AD/HD symptoms the more likely that child will become a regular smoker.

Of course, they're quick to say that AD/HD doesn't make all AD/HD kids smokers. They're just more likely to get hooked than their non-AD/HD peers should they pick up a smoke and try it out.

Quoth Scott H. Kollins, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at Duke and lead author of the study:

"We wanted to know why people with ADHD smoke more often than those who don't have ADHD...It may be something about the symptoms themselves that cause people to smoke, but we aren't certain of that. What our data clearly show is that for every symptom of ADHD reported in childhood, the stronger the likelihood that person would smoke regularly during adolescence or early adulthood..."

Anybody who has experience with children with AD/HD knows that they don't have as much control over their impulses as other children. This is one reason AD/HD kids often become disruptive in class. They also seek out high intensity activities more often than their peers. So it isn't a surprise to me that AD/HD kids are more prone to become chain smoking maniacs. AD/HD goes hand in hand with addiction more often than not. The researchers hope to explore this issue further to aid AD/HD addicts in kicking the habit.

Quoth Joseph McClernon, Ph.D., assistant research professor of psychiatry at Duke:

"We think people with ADHD may benefit in some way from either more intensive cessation programs or modified programs that are more in tune with their needs, McClernon added. "They may require treatments we haven't imagined yet."

If focusing on the differences in AD/HD kid & adult brains leads the study group to determine how addiction works and perhaps how to counter it, this would be a great boon to society. I could finally give up my Boston Creme Donut addiction and live life as a free and much thinner man.

This study also paints a pretty bullseye on the AD/HD teenage population, unfortunately. So if you see Sparky the Hyperactive Rabbit bouncing all over the magazines or other spazzy new mascots rest assured that the cigarette companies never target children. But they do keep up on the latest medical discoveries.

My ADHD-Born Intensity at Work

Friday - Entry 39:

Tonight my plans were blown into atoms by a bomb. I managed to finish my daughter’s parent/teacher conference before the tics began. Even managed to drive home safely. However, by the time I made it up the stairs to my apartment, my body was no longer interested in following my lead and marched to a different beat altogether, often in different directions. My legs wanted to head south while my torso headed north while my arms held onto the wall for dear life.

Safely inside, the Leprechaun—my 15 year old angel—cooked dinner, and I sat in front of the television watching shows on CrunchyRoll. I had planned on cooking dinner, finishing a review, then plunging into some serious book revisions on the third draft of my book. Instead, I watched fanciful shows while I waited for dinner’s protein to kick in and stop the tics. While I watched a new episode of Golden Time, I mused that no milksop of a guy would attract a vivacious, energetic, whirligig of a girl like the main character did. It’s a trope of anime that shy, useless men seem to attract the most women. My experience has been different.

Have you ever been friend zoned while trying to ask simple questions? That is happening to me an awful lot lately, especially in church. I’m not sure what it is about me that conveys to women that I need to be warded off like evil, but I keep bumping into hissing and fingers held up as crosses. What makes it all the more puzzling to me is that I am not dating by choice, so I’m not flirting, hitting on, or trying to impress anybody. I’m not interested in anyone romantically. Yet, I say “Hi”, and they run for cover. Since I know I’m not wearing a date t-shirt like Rhys Ifans’ character, Spike, in “Notting Hill”, I can only assume people are misconstruing my natural intensity, or people are gossiping about me again. The gossip surrounding me has always been so much more dramatic and scandalous than the real me. I’ve been accused of being gay, a womanizer, a drug user, a satanist, a democrat, and worse. Who knows what tales they tell themselves about me now? If it is so, it is all the more tragic because while I feel invisible and ostracized, nobody bothers to verify the juiciest tidbits. Can’t I get in on the grape vine? I could make stuff up that would have their eyes bulging.

Chances are it’s just my ADHD-born intensity at work. On a scale from 1 to 10, where 1 is disinterested and 10 is head-over-heels in love, I’ll say “Hi” at about a 5. I like talking to people, and I do enjoy talking to women, so I might spark a little. The problem is my 5 is like 9 for some people. Heck, some people don’t get that excited on their wedding nights. So I know what’s happening, but it’s irritating nonetheless.

And there I was watching anime where weak kneed college guys without the barbells to be straight up with girls were literally being thrown to the matt by girls coming on like sumo wrestlers. I just rolled my eyes and laughed. When a guy finally told a girl to take a hike, I cheered, then replayed the scene.

I’m not still bitter over my divorce or anything. Why do you ask?

And now my writing warmup is complete, but it’s 1:20am. I’ll work a little on my book, then force myself to bed. Then tomorrow maybe I’ll terrorize the neighborhood women by saying “Hi” loudly and enthusiastically, or save it up for Sunday and make ‘em think that Satan himself has reentered the Garden of Eden with romance on his mind.

Obstinance or Brilliance

I am still paying the price for pushing myself in June, and I thought it was time to share with you what I’ve been up to, how it went, what worked, and what I could have done better. The TL;DR version is that I did too much, loved almost every moment of it, and then I ended up feeling like a haggard and disheveled octogenarian who had dragged a couch up a mountain trail.

ToDo Lists For The Win (Unless They Make You Feel Like a Loser)

Winding up the month, I take a look at one of my ToDo lists that induces more terror than self-satisfaction.

As I've detailed here for the past month, people with ADHD have a tendency to pile on projects. Over time it becomes necessary to prune these projects before they take on a density that threatens to collapse into a black hole. People with ADHD aren't really any different than most people, however. We all find the excitement of a new project exhilarating. Opportunities abound in life to start new projects while we trudge along with our current ones.

Blogger Chris Brogan recently wrote about this problem with his post "Saying No". Chris described how he had to clear off his plate to make room for the most important projects. That involved telling many people "No". Saying "No" to others is not difficult for me, however. It is saying "No" to myself I fail at spectacularly.

Hallowell and Ratey described the process succinctly:

4. Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow-through.

A corollary of number 3. As one task is put off, another is taken up. By the end of the day, or week, or year, countless projects have been undertaken, while few have found completion.

Years ago when I began to tackle my Panic Anxiety Disorder, it was recommended to me to keep a notepad by my bedside so that I could jot down things that came to my mind as I tried to fall asleep. Since I tended to keep myself up working on all the things I knew needed to be done before I forgot about them, this seemed like a good idea. So I jotted and jotted and jotted and jotted.

For the first little while this little gimmick did the trick. Every time my eyes bolted open in horror as I remembered yet another task I had forgotten to finish I could roll over and jot it down. This process became even more productive for me when I purchased a Palm Pilot. Soon I was checking off tasks and creating new ones each and every night before I drifted off to sleep. I no longer leapt out of my bed in a flash of steamy sweat to get at the work I suddenly remembered I had failed to get at earlier. ToDo lists were saving my life.

Then things went horribly wrong.

My nightly ToDo list was filled with unfinished projects dutifully jotted down so that I could remember to do them later. All 9000 of them. Each uncompleted task represented to me what a failure I was. In a short period of time I discovered my ToDo list didn't so much induce the anxiety it was meant to prevent as much as pour gasoline on it and light the fire with a road flare. I had to help myself understand that I couldn't do it all, and that some projects were more important than others. Eventually, I learned to let that anxiety go by filtering the list to only focus on the most important tasks and goals. At least, I thought I had.

It seems I have transferred that nightly panic into a yearly one centered around my birthday. Without realizing it, I have turned my birthday goal list into a heart-clenching, ambulance ride of impending doom. Let's look at how the list was before I pruned it. Because of ADHD, each item on that list has a pressing do-it-or-die intensity for me. However, it's not a bad list per se. In fact, it's completely achievable. All I need to do is leave my family, live in a hut deep in the Wasatch mountains with a solar powered generator, and squeeze 25 hours into each and every day. I may get tired of drinking unpasteurized mountain goat milk, but you can't make goals without sacrifice.

It is also possible that the list is just in need of a good pruning. I am five months into my goals and there simply isn't enough time to get them all done before I turn 42. In fact, I question whether I would ever complete them. Part of the list were daily goals that carved time out of each and every day, leaving no time for family, friends, full time parenting, homeschooling, and disability, nevermind the most important goals.

The first thing I did was remove the daily music goals. They were already part of my daily ToDo list and they were only supposed to be for fun. I recommitted to one main instrument and chose one goal for the year. I also removed the more vague goals and kept one personal goal (which I am working through this month), as well as a family goal. My writing goals were my most important for the year and were fine as they stood, but the drawing goals needed something more concrete so I added two.

By identifying the most important goals I was able to whittle the list down to something more manageable. The end result is a tighter, more focused list that will help me achieve great things without giving me a complex. Jotting down ideas is a great idea for those who have a hard time remembering, but there comes a time when one must say "No" to the long list in favor of a shorter one without all the distractions. It is both tragic and funny that I need to teach myself this lesson over and over again.



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I Reach Out to the World

(I am listening to “All This Time” by Sara Watkins and other melancholy tunes as I process my thoughts about yesterday.)

Thursday - Entry 27:

After a full day of parent-teacher meetings, a church meeting, and an emergency school meeting with family at my old home, I was pretty pooped for the day.

It was Day70. I still struggled with a bronchial cough and limited energy. A test on Monday had ruled out allergies as my problem. I still had left a CT scan and a blood test for weak immunities to complete. The day had been a beautiful one, and I had been in high spirits. I had received a check from some freelance writing I had done. I had a contract for a new paid blogging gig awaiting my attention. My children loved me. I had positive experiences with my daughters' teachers. And nobody had tried to kill me while I drove around—a rare event. Yet those high spirits had set with the sun. As midnight encroached, a darker mood came along with it.

Despite the drizzle, I decided to go for a walk to clear my head and uplift my mood. Walking & talking always helps set my mind right. I'm not sure why except that my ADHD mind needs to vocalize my thoughts when things become complicated. Otherwise, they remain a jumble tumbling around my brain.

I charted my walk by taking pictures in Path since it had just been updated that day with new camera filters, and I posted many of my photos to Twitter. (You'd have to join me on Path to see them all. nudge…nudge…) And I prayed and thought and walked until the drizzle stopped, and I had as much winter as I dared.

Yet my spirits remained down, and I stayed awake reading news and fiddling on my computer until 5am. It wasn't a great day for my battle against insomnia.

And now you have been given a peek into my mind for the previous evening. The setting has been given concrete details with evocative imagery that I hope paints my mood in somber colors, but with a palette of more than black.

I wonder why I share as I do. And, because my heart is still aching with sadness from seeing my replacement, I think “Why do you share your feelings like this online? Isn’t this just vanity? Who cares about photos taken in the middle of the night? Who cares about “evocative imagery” painted in “somber colors”? Who cares how you deal with Depression?”

Apparently, a lot of people do. My blog is approaching the 300,000 unique visitor mark. I'm getting over 4000 unique visitors a month—over 50,000 a year—which is not a small number. I realize that there are bigger blogs out there, but considering I started with just me, my mother, and my ex-mother-in-law eight years ago, it is a great accomplishment. I also realize that half of those visitors are interested in my writings on ADHD. Not everybody shares co-morbid conditions of ADHD & Depression. But I do. So I write about it.

In fact, I recently received an award for being a top Depression blogger. They said my blog was “raw and evocative…” and an easy choice. I should be on top of the world…

…yet I'm still sad.

Now, before you leap in to give me advice, I know that Depression is just a trick of the mind—a misfiring of chemicals. Depression is the malefic jester who pulls the rug out from under you and laughs as your heart tumbles down the stairs. But the stairs are not real, so I don't share online to find comfort. I know that Depression will pass, and happiness is around the corner. I'll pick myself up and dust myself off. I always do. I know this as well as I know that my heart will mend.

I've written about the difference between sadness and depression before. I recognize that the intensity—and shall I say theatrics?—of my sadness come from Depression. So logically I tell myself that all is not as bad as it seems. So yesterday I did smiling exercises and went for a walk despite the drizzle and strove to lift my spirits back up. In regards to my lost marriage, I wasn't pining for the past because it changed. I was pining for being a person who was loved—for that intense union of two spirits commingled in happiness. And then I realized one reason why I share so much online.

I share to not be alone.

I reach out into the world and make my mark with whatever colors my palette has at the moment. Sometimes the colors are neon bright and splash out in a cacophony of whim & distraction. Sometimes they are the muted tones of sunset, gloriously toned with a golden hue. Sometimes they are inspired by the dead of night in dark blues, plums, and burgundy. But always I share. It's how I fight off the artificial tones of sadness that counterpoint my life.

I'm not always understood, but I am glad to know that I do reach people with my writings. In this way I am not alone. I hope to continue to share even when love returns to my life and my palette changes into brighter, more sanguine tones. I might not take pictures of lonely train stations then. Instead I would choose more upbeat imagery. My mood would have changed, but my need to share will likely remain because of my need to reach out and connect with others.

And I'm alright with that.

 

Four Easy Steps To Drown Out Distractions

I recently shared the following on Twitter:

Here's how I'm helping my #ADHD brain ignore distractions today. #howto #vineportraits #favthings #trance vine.co/v/brFMLemlhPX
—Douglas Cootey (@SplinteredMind) February 16, 2013

Drowning out distraction and noise can be difficult for the adult or child with ADHD. I find background noise becomes foreground noise, so I constantly struggle with aural distraction. In fact, my first article published in ADDitude magazine was about the importance of white noise in managing a productive work environment. I've continued to experiment with what is effective for me since then, and I thought I'd share what I do lately:

First, I load up a long vocal trance music playlist into iTunes. I love dance music because it was my first white noise. It also pumps up my adrenaline and helps me work faster. I then drop iTunes audio levels to half way. I do this because I am going to layer the music with real white noise.

Second, I open up SimplyRain in a Flash capable browser. I usually just use their white noise generator, but recently they added a rain generator and I'm absolutely in love with it. I turn the rain noise volume to 85%, the intensity level to 85%, then turn on oscillation to LOW. If I have strong focus, I might turn on the thunder, but generally loud, random booms are a distracting thing and best to be avoided.

Third, we'll need a dedicated screen. Many apps now support full screen mode. I find that so helpful for filtering out distractions. But some apps don't offer full screen mode. For them I launch Mission Control (I use a Mac running Mountain Lion) and create a new desktop. It's super easy in the new operating system. Drift your mouse to the right side of the screen and click on the tab that appears. Now drag your app of choice into the new desktop. In this case I am using an old version of MarsEdit for blogging.

Fourth, I hide the dock so all those colorful icons don't distract me. Right or Control click on the Dock's dividing line and select "Turn Hiding On". Then get to work!

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If you have a setup for your computer that you prefer better, let me know about it in the comments.

AD/HD Kids Universally Hated By Parents

One and a half weeks ago I put out a call for comments over at What Do You Like About Your AD/HD Kid?. It was my intention to collate all the loving anecdotes I received into a comprehensive article on the benefits of having AD/HD children. To this date, not one parent has replied. Not even my Mum.

Of course, I already knew she didn't like me. What I didn't realize was that AD/HD kids were globally loathed, despised, and detested by other parents. This has come as quite a shock. I assumed somewhere a loving, benevolent Cliff Huxtable-like father smiled patiently upon his sweet, little, whirling dervish as a gift from God. Now I know better.

Fortunately for my article's sake, I have an AD/HD child. She hasn't been officially diagnosed, but you know what they say about ducks. Let me show you folks how this is done.

1.  
2.  

Dang. This is harder than it looks. This is going to be one short article...



Thirteen Things I Love About My AD/HD Daughter

1. Her delightfully wild imagination. She currently expresses herself through art, role play, and book making. She is a joy to watch at play.
2. Her highly developed sense of humor and infectious laughter. She got this joke and laughed for hours over it. I sometimes forget she's only eight years old.
3. Her entertaining spontaneity - especially her varied and animated facial expressions.
4. I get a kick out of how her mouth forms words faster than her brain and how that leads to very funny statements, especially when she makes up words or gets sayings jumbled up. I still use a word she invented when she was five to express disappointment. "Oh, crubbage!"
5. I yearn for her boundless energy. I could use some hyperactivity in my world right now.
6. I love how feisty and confident she can be.
7. I admire her physical prowess and coordination. Although coordination is not something all AD/HD people in general have, some do as is the case with my daughter and two of my brothers. Coupled with boundless energy and their fighting spirit they are fearsome athletes. My daughter's specialty is Irish Step Dancing. My daughter closely resembles my brother, Ryan, in this regard and helps me feel as if he is still with us.
8. She's very trusting so I love teasing her. I never grow tired of it. She's gets so mad - her whole face explodes.
9. She's very competitive so it doesn't take long after I've teased her before she's trying to get even. Give her a few years and I'll definitely have something to worry about.
10. One aspect of L's AD/HD that I really like is her intelligence. Although this aspect can become lost amidst her more toxic and negative behaviors, her expansive vocabulary for her age and quick wit truly display her fantastic potential.
11. Her incredible likability. Oh, how I envy this little talent of hers. She's so sure of herself and empathic to others that she makes fast friends wherever she goes. She's far too intense to sit in the background long. If it weren't for her compassionate nature I would worry that I have a Queen Bee in the making.
12. Her admiration of me. I realize all my daughters thought the world of me when they were younger (and still do, knock on wood) but there is something different in the way L looks up to me. It's more intense - that AD/HD intensity no doubt - and most likely born of the fact we are kindred spirits. I understand her difficulties and that has created an amazing bond between us.
13. Lastly, I really enjoy her sense of wonder. This quality makes her very much like myself and gives me a kindred spirit in our home. She is delighted by the same things I am from cereal box prizes and electronic gadgets to the subtle change of hues in the sky. She loves going hiking in the mountains with me, finding all the flora and fauna just as fascinating as I do. Although all my daughters find my world fascinating, it is through L that I can best see the world through her eyes as I would see it.

Now, that wasn't so hard to do. Please take a few moments and list a few qualities you enjoy about your AD/HD child. There don't have to be thirteen of them. I realize you don't like your children THAT much. Leave comments here or over at What Do You Like About Your AD/HD Kid?. Thanks for reading.


If you blog, please tell me thirteen things about yourself and link it here. Oh, and try to refrain from linking here if you don't have a Thursday Thirteen post. I'll just end up removing your link.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Thursday Thirteen #9

tags technorati : ADHD, Family, Thursday Thirteen, Upsides,

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AD/HD: Speaking without Thinking

I would like to thank Blogger for selecting my column as a Blog of Note.

I am thrilled to find so many like minded individuals making the comments section an intellectual treat. Curse you! I haven't been able to get anything done for a whole week.

One of the comments from last week's column was a terse reprimand by a woman (I assume) who urged me to not think so much and do instead. Ignoring the fact that her short comment judged my life by only the words of a humorous column I write each week, she also showed a lack of understanding of the AD/HD mind. Not think so much? If there is any one defining aspect of AD/HD it is the lack of contemplative thought before action is taken. We are masters of the instantaneous impulse. Take today's subject matter for an example.

There you are, grieving family members around you, the organ plays in the background, and you've got this really funny joke to tell. Happen to you? No, me neither, but I do know a guy who apparently has that problem.

The fifth symptom in Hallowell and Ratey's Diagnostic Criteria for Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults is foot-in-mouth disease.

5. Tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark.Like the child with ADD in the classroom, the adult with ADD gets carried away in enthusiasm. An idea comes and it must be spoken—tact or guile yielding to childlike exuberance.

My dalliances with gaucherie usually involve sexual matters. Not sure why. I get these amazing insights/tidbits/anecdotes/wordplays that are just bustin' to be shared. I'm the intellectual knucklehead. Thankfully, I have been fearful enough in polite company to not let that particular foot get moving at high velocity towards my mouth, but I can't say the same when in the presence of friends and family. I'm more relaxed then and they pay the price.

These painful moments stand out in complete contrast to my usual gentlemanly decorum. There was this time I stood up in front of my anime fan club and described the more alarming contents of a certain catalogue that somebody mailed to me as a prank. Not sure to this day why I didn't just shut up and sit down, but off I went, lips a flappin' in front of a bug eyed audience. That was over fifteen years ago and I'm still embarrassed about it. I wish I could say I've improved, but then I'd have to not tell you about the French AIDS PSA I shared with my friends two weeks ago. Seemed like a good idea at the time to show the cultural difference in attitudes about sexual matters and cavalier treatment of STDs. Besides it was animated, but then as I watched them squirm and squiggle in their seats I realized perhaps it wasn't such a good idea after all. I asked myself, "What were you thinking?"

That's the problem. I wasn't! Most people learn over time to suppress these anti-social urges, but adults with AD/HD tend to have the occasional misfire, some more so than others.

It seems there are three driving forces behind foot-in-mouth disease. One is general cluelessness—a complete lack of awareness or sensitivity to the ebb and flow of conversation around us. Another is a fear that the idea will be forgotten in as quick an instant as it was born if it is not blurted out or jotted down at that moment. The third is simple selfishness. We share this in common with everybody from time to time, but the first two forces are usually the culprits for the AD/HD mind. Both betray a complete lack of control over impulses. Both are born of intensity. The thought is delivered to the mouth with the pressure of a fireman's hose and spoken at such velocity that all those in the room had better duck for cover or be bowled over. Things usually get awkward after that.

There is only one way to fight it: practice. First, you need friends, associates, or loved ones who can gently remind you with a two by four to stop discussing during the office meeting that really cool web site you found... to wait a week or two before letting your new boss know everything he's doing that is wrong and how he can fix it... or to stop changing the subject while your mother-in-law discusses the family vacation. Second, learn to jot down your ideas without interrupting the conversation. Third, with or without external intervention, you are on your own. They don't call it the School of Hard Knocks for nothing. Embarrassment is a cruel but effective teacher. The trick is to learn from your mistakes without hating yourself. Don't buy into the excuses, either. Don't push this off on a diagnosis. Nobody's going to smile patiently after the third time you shanghai the conversation and take it off in an unrelated tangent just because you have Adult ADD. Nobody really appreciates your non sequitur jokes during Sunday School. You need to reign this in. Save your pride some bumps and bruises and save everybody else's sanity.

Once you can control it, however, you can use your free firing neurons to your advantage. Random thoughts and inspirations are a godsend to problem solving, humor, and creativity. Who knows? You might even find yourself being relevant and witty. You just need a bit of effort, a lot of tact, and a truckload of premeditative thinking.

technorati tags: ADD, AD/HD, ADHD, Coping Strategies, Disability, Foot-in-mouth Disease, Gaucherie, Sex