AD/HD: Speaking without Thinking

I would like to thank Blogger for selecting my column as a Blog of Note.

I am thrilled to find so many like minded individuals making the comments section an intellectual treat. Curse you! I haven't been able to get anything done for a whole week.

One of the comments from last week's column was a terse reprimand by a woman (I assume) who urged me to not think so much and do instead. Ignoring the fact that her short comment judged my life by only the words of a humorous column I write each week, she also showed a lack of understanding of the AD/HD mind. Not think so much? If there is any one defining aspect of AD/HD it is the lack of contemplative thought before action is taken. We are masters of the instantaneous impulse. Take today's subject matter for an example.

There you are, grieving family members around you, the organ plays in the background, and you've got this really funny joke to tell. Happen to you? No, me neither, but I do know a guy who apparently has that problem.

The fifth symptom in Hallowell and Ratey's Diagnostic Criteria for Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults is foot-in-mouth disease.

5. Tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark.Like the child with ADD in the classroom, the adult with ADD gets carried away in enthusiasm. An idea comes and it must be spoken—tact or guile yielding to childlike exuberance.

My dalliances with gaucherie usually involve sexual matters. Not sure why. I get these amazing insights/tidbits/anecdotes/wordplays that are just bustin' to be shared. I'm the intellectual knucklehead. Thankfully, I have been fearful enough in polite company to not let that particular foot get moving at high velocity towards my mouth, but I can't say the same when in the presence of friends and family. I'm more relaxed then and they pay the price.

These painful moments stand out in complete contrast to my usual gentlemanly decorum. There was this time I stood up in front of my anime fan club and described the more alarming contents of a certain catalogue that somebody mailed to me as a prank. Not sure to this day why I didn't just shut up and sit down, but off I went, lips a flappin' in front of a bug eyed audience. That was over fifteen years ago and I'm still embarrassed about it. I wish I could say I've improved, but then I'd have to not tell you about the French AIDS PSA I shared with my friends two weeks ago. Seemed like a good idea at the time to show the cultural difference in attitudes about sexual matters and cavalier treatment of STDs. Besides it was animated, but then as I watched them squirm and squiggle in their seats I realized perhaps it wasn't such a good idea after all. I asked myself, "What were you thinking?"

That's the problem. I wasn't! Most people learn over time to suppress these anti-social urges, but adults with AD/HD tend to have the occasional misfire, some more so than others.

It seems there are three driving forces behind foot-in-mouth disease. One is general cluelessness—a complete lack of awareness or sensitivity to the ebb and flow of conversation around us. Another is a fear that the idea will be forgotten in as quick an instant as it was born if it is not blurted out or jotted down at that moment. The third is simple selfishness. We share this in common with everybody from time to time, but the first two forces are usually the culprits for the AD/HD mind. Both betray a complete lack of control over impulses. Both are born of intensity. The thought is delivered to the mouth with the pressure of a fireman's hose and spoken at such velocity that all those in the room had better duck for cover or be bowled over. Things usually get awkward after that.

There is only one way to fight it: practice. First, you need friends, associates, or loved ones who can gently remind you with a two by four to stop discussing during the office meeting that really cool web site you found... to wait a week or two before letting your new boss know everything he's doing that is wrong and how he can fix it... or to stop changing the subject while your mother-in-law discusses the family vacation. Second, learn to jot down your ideas without interrupting the conversation. Third, with or without external intervention, you are on your own. They don't call it the School of Hard Knocks for nothing. Embarrassment is a cruel but effective teacher. The trick is to learn from your mistakes without hating yourself. Don't buy into the excuses, either. Don't push this off on a diagnosis. Nobody's going to smile patiently after the third time you shanghai the conversation and take it off in an unrelated tangent just because you have Adult ADD. Nobody really appreciates your non sequitur jokes during Sunday School. You need to reign this in. Save your pride some bumps and bruises and save everybody else's sanity.

Once you can control it, however, you can use your free firing neurons to your advantage. Random thoughts and inspirations are a godsend to problem solving, humor, and creativity. Who knows? You might even find yourself being relevant and witty. You just need a bit of effort, a lot of tact, and a truckload of premeditative thinking.

technorati tags: ADD, AD/HD, ADHD, Coping Strategies, Disability, Foot-in-mouth Disease, Gaucherie, Sex

ADHD and Impulsivity: Brilliant Serendipity or Moronic Happenchance?

I've been looking over my blog entries of late and discovered a problem. When did I become so serious? Look at comments in "Depression: Random Web Therapy". According to an anonymous reader, my blog is even a downer. The horrors!

When I was certain that the five people subscribed to my blog were actually my three Macs, my mother, and my mother-in-law I could be free to say whatever I felt like. Becoming a Blog of Note changed me, however. It's not that my hat suddenly didn't fit due to my ego, or that I began demanding special treatment, though I did mandate my children should call me "Oh Mighty Master". But what father doesn't? Right? Still, something had changed.

Perhaps it is time I was honest with you folks.

Hello. My name is Douglas and I'm a recovering 40 year old. I tried to stop it from happening, but I just can't seem to shake this monkey from my back. I'd fling myself off a bridge with a bungee cord tied to my toe if I thought it would do any good, but I'd just end up in traction. No, it's time I faced facts. I'm 40. And somehow I stopped letting myself be impulsive on this blog. Readers find casket sales more entertaining than me. But is that really true?

Most people consider impulsivity a serious detriment, but on the whole I rather like it. When you suffer from instantaneous boredom a few thousand times a day as I do, you're bound to strike out impulsively one time or another to save yourself. It is true that this process can involve me in several dozen new projects by each week's end, but it also helps me discover the unique and beautiful things this world has to offer. There are always two sides to this coin.

Inside Hallowell and Ratey's Diagnostic Criteria for Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults there is a very short section dedicated to this very phenomenon:

12. Impulsive, either in verbally or in action, as in impulsive spending of money, changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans, and the like.

This is one of the more dangerous of the adult symptoms, or, depending on the impulse, one of the more advantageous.

Being impulsive is generally regarded as a very immature quality, and in your average bear it would be. Certainly there are vast detriments to this tendency. Foot in mouth disease, addiction, excessive purchases (I still have 7 boxes left), changing colleges three times and swapping majors just as often before you're twenty five...not that I'm speaking from experience, of course. When I think back on my youth, I see all sorts of impulsive behaviors that ended up embarrassing me. As I turned twenty I began to mature which, thankfully, saved me from continuing the stupid pranks and hijinks that were bound to get me arrested one day. However, not all my impulses were bad.

Being impulsive helped me get lots of dates in college. Being impulsive helped me explore over 42 States. Being impulsive opened up new sounds, new flavors, new vistas, and new paradigms to enrich my world. Being impulsive made me mildly entertaining for my friends - the greatest and truest group of friends I've ever had in my life. In fact, I wouldn't have met them if one day I hadn't impulsively decided - on a whim no less - to form an anime fan club and host it in my home. Most of all, being impulsive saves me from Depression and Boredom.

Unfortunately, growing older and becoming more mature means that I can also exercise more control over my impulses. This has allowed me to become more focused on long term goals, something I couldn't do for the life of me back in college. Striking out in new directions is disruptive to long term goals, obviously, but this has caused me to clamp down on spontaneity in my life. Frankly, clipping my wings has taken some of the life out of me. A part of me reasons if I'm not impulsive I am not Douglas Cootey. In addition, controlling impulses means dealing with boredom which is discomforting and depression-inducing for me.

Impulses do need to be controlled. We cannot allow ourselves to live like animals. We cannot allow ourselves to ruin our lives and the lives of others because of our whims. At the same time, however, ADHD makes us unique. Our impulsivity can be a valuable asset in our lives which gives us a competitive and creative edge.

Our task as people with AD/HD, therefore, is to learn how to balance control and liberty. Too much of either leads to misery, but in balance we can have the best of both worlds. I find that there is a difference between being bored and being unhappy. If I'm simply bored, then I refocus my energies to the task at hand. Impulses then are a detraction. However, when I recognize that I'm unhappy, then I know that there isn't enough liberty in my life. That's why I went on my trip yesterday. That's why I take silly pictures. And that's why I blog about whatever comes to my mind these days. Impulsivity adds to the flavor of who I am. There's no point in beating myself up about it. Instead, I'd rather embrace it's positive aspects.

tags technorati : ADHD Boredom Coping Strategies Depression Thinking Positive Upsides Hallowell and Ratey

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ADHD Intensity and the Flying Fingers of Fearless Focus!

http://xkcd.com/386/

 

This past week I forgot my first rule of Internet engagement: Understand and acknowledge the other person’s feelings before disagreeing with their facts. When I follow this rule, more times than not the conversation goes well, even if we ultimately disagree. Yes, there are some people who just want to see the world burn, or more specifically, see you burn, but they’re in the minority. Most people on Twitter and Facebook simply feel just as strongly about their opinions as you do. This is why finding common ground with them before you disagree with them is so important.

Unfortunately, every once in a while somebody says something that makes me stop and say, “Hold on now. That’s not right.” You might be thinking that this is just another example of Douglas writing about Foot-in-Mouth disease, and there certainly could be a case made for it, but I don’t get into flame wars on the Internet anymore. No, really. Stop snorting. Its been years since I donned flame retardent clothing and jumped into the fray shouting “Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!” For the past few years I’ve been more interested in convincing people through reasoned argument than being “witty” and “clever” with glib retorts, but I still have a serious problem with ADHD-born intensity.

While I may be feeling level headed and calm as I type the Death Star of text replies, there is a degree of excitement that creeps in. When you focus that excitement through an ADHD lens, you create a visceral intensity that powers words even across the ether. It leads people to think I’m angry or hostile when I’m not. Strangers and friends can sometimes feel like they are at the receiving end of a rocket-launched missle. Oh, I am holy in my righteous glory! Behold my flying fingers of fearless focus!

My first rule of Internet engagement is there to protect me as much as the people I engage with. Firstly, it protects me from getting carelessly embroiled in a heated debate as they shoot me, the messenger. Secondly, it helps me be a better person. By addressing their feelings first, I let them know I am not their enemy. They may not like me disagreeing with them, but at least they know I am not out to get them.

When I debated a friend on Facebook the other day over an issue, I didn’t keep the rule in mind. Consequently, she didn’t see my reasons or facts. She just assumed I was angry and didn’t respect her opinion. Now, I didn’t use harsh or insulting language, but I did respond in a four paragraphs to one ratio. There may have even been exclamations involved. I began to have a suspicion the day afterwards that something was amiss. I wrote the first version of this blog where I realized I owed her an apology, but before I could post it, she sent me a private message showing me that she couldn’t have misunderstood me more if I had written in pig latin then rot-thirteened it. Clearly, her feelings were running high when she read my reply. Yet I can also see where my approach definitely should have been softened. There was too much exuberance & indignation. I was caught up in the excitement of the debate. In her first public reply, she clearly misunderstood my intensity as anger, yet I didn’t take a breather and apply that first rule. I wrote more instead. Consequently, she feared future clashes and blocked me. Twenty years of friendship gone in a hail of clattering keys.

ADHD intensity is a wonderful tool when engaged constructively, but without structure, the intensity can burn in people’s faces like a blazing comet. Curiously, not a lot of people like bright flares of glory in their face. Go figure. Time and again we open our mouths to “help” wayward minds get back onto the path of light, then get surprised by a quiver of arrows in the face. The truth is that nobody is going to thank you for showing them publicly why they are wrong. That’s a pyrrhic victory for you at best. After all, in these types of debates you’re often the only one who thinks you’re in the right. Their feelings about their facts trump your feelings about your facts. Addressing their feelings first can help diffuse this.

It is been a while since I have burned a relationship because I lost control of my ADHD. I’ve become better at avoiding these sorts of conflicts over the years. I suppose I was overdue. Despite her own exuberance and unintentionally insulting tone, if I had only stopped myself to learn how sensitive the subject was for her, I probably would have handled things better. This probably means I won’t be getting one of her funny Christmas cards this year. I’ll have to comfort myself by finishing a book she gifted me only a few months ago, and recommit to acknowledging the other person’s feelings before disagreeing with their facts. It’s the only way I’ve found that keeps this darling ADHD attribute in check.

(This article has been edited for brevity. It meandered like a mountain stream, and was twice as long.)

 

ADHD: Open Mouth, Insert Friend

It’s a good thing my friend isn’t easily offended. Today my ADHD took our conversation on a colorful roadtrip.

I will spare you the details, but I made a gaffe today that involved flagpoles, fidget spinners, and ED. If I was headlining in Vegas, I would certainly have outdone myself for sheer, bold, cheeky humor—celebrated by the audience’s raucous laughter—but since I’m some average rando calling a friend on the phone, I got the following:

“Am I the only person you have conversations like this with?”
“Yes,” I said while laughing. “You are the only person I can openly talk to this way.”
“Let’s remove one person from that equation, and I think we can solve your problem.”

I don’t know if I got the quote right. We were both laughing. It is common for us to zing each other. However, part of my refined, adult mind started working on what he had said. I suddenly realized that I had stepped over a line.

“Well, I may have been excessively colorful.”
“Oh, you think?” he said while laughing.

ADHD Jumps in Reasoning - When I'm Like Kanye West

I’m sitting here typing deep in the Uinta-Wasatch-Cache National Forest, east of Spanish Fork, and cut off from the internet. I came along to be on hand for my daughter’s girls camp just in case she had a seizure. I don’t have much to do except keep myself busy. I’ve finished a journal. Wrote three articles for submission to a magazine. Practiced my pennywhistle and ocarina daily. Exercised. Went for a hike in the mountains and got lost. Followed a path that became, I assume, a deer trail. Followed the trail deep into the thicket all the way to an animal den. Didn’t get eaten. Made my way back. I plan on writing a few blog entries to get ahead. I want to work out a Middle Grade non-fiction idea for submission to an editor. I may start revising my current novel with the feedback I received from WIFYR last week. And now I’m thinking about Kanye West and that brouhaha from a few weeks back.

AD/HD: Short Cuts, Cunning Plans, and Other Great Ideas

In the spirit of Father's Day, I thought I'd begin this article with a story about my dad, the King of the Short Cut. It's not that all his "short cuts" are truly short cuts. It's just that he tries so many possible "short cuts" he gets lucky. Why does he risk being late or getting lost when he could take the tried and true approach each time? Because he has AD/HD and taking the same route each time is boring. Finding a new route to an old destination, especially a better, faster route, is the sort of thing that tickles his fancy. When he was a young man he had a job driving a delivery truck. He loved short cuts even then, but unfortunatley one of his "short cuts" backfired on him. Instead of saving time he made a terrible mistake. He drove the truck under a bridge with inadequate clearance. Jammed the truck in there nice and tight. I don't believe he kept the job long after that.

As they say, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree and my own sordid history is filled with wonderful moments such as that one. I could never continue doing things the way they were supposed to for long. There was the time I was a paste up artist for a graphic design company on Cape Cod. I was given the classifieds section to work on and because I was bored with the straight line upon line format perfected by my grandfather's grandfathers I thought I'd shake things up a bit. It was the Eighties! Miami Vice! MTV! Text didn't lay down. It danced. Oh, what a classified ad I put together! My rather snarky editor took one look at it and yelped. That was a funny day. Well, I can laugh now. At the time I was too upset that my design went unappreciated and I had to paste the thing up as boring as possible.

Apparently, I am not alone in this. As I move along Hallowell and Ratey's Diagnostic Criteria for Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults I discovered that a lot of us share a common problem.

10. Trouble in going through established channels, following "proper" procedure.
Contrary to what one might think, this is not due to some unresolved problem with authority figures. Rather, it is a manifestation of boredom and frustration: boredom with routine ways of doing things and excitement around novel approaches, and frustration with being unable to do things the way they're "supposed" to be done.

By the time I was an adult I had to remind myself to keep my opinions to myself, but sometimes I just couldn't help it! The way they were doing things was so patently stupid I had to let them know. My bosses loved that. Not all AD/HD career mistakes are caused by foot-in-mouth disease or boredom, however. Sometimes we get an idea in our head that seems really good at the time but doesn't play out as we planned.

In college I had a part time job working for a comicbook store. It seemed the perfect job because I was doing a comic of my own. One night I worried that a story element was too similar to something Marvel Comics had done, so I let myself into the store at 2am and rifled through the back issues. So relieved was I that my story element was original that I rushed off to finish the art. Unfortunately, I left the store wide open, the flashlight on the counter, and the keys as well if I remember correctly. I was fired the next day. Proper protocol would have saved me from making that blunder. Instead, impulse ruled the night. I STILL don't laugh at that story. Very painful. It completely ruined my relationship with the owner who was a friend.

Of course, I can think of other degrading tales. I'm sure you have a few of your own where you had a really great, burning idea that flew in the face of procedure and came back to haunt you. Ruminating about it isn't going to make it go away, however. Instead, when dealing with school or work there are some things to keep in mind I've found very helpful.

1. Learn their way of doing things first, even if you think you know a better way.
2. Prove to them that you know how to do things their way. It's a game. I think it's stupid, too, but it works like magic.
3. Nobody's going to like your new idea if they don't trust you.
4. You may have to implement your new ideas by proxy through other people until you earn that trust.
5. Prepare for that day by writing down all your great new ideas on paper.

As I got older I learned to rein in the impulses and follow procedure better. I learned when it was dangerous to take chances and when it was not. I still goofed up from time to time, though. There was that time I worked at Dillard's and made friends with all the store managers. They really liked me. Unfortunately, I made friends with upper management before befriending the assistant store manager over me. That had a nice outcome. He made me King of Pant Land. Ah, folding pants for hours on end. That was fun. So much for short cuts.

tags technorati : ADD ADHD AD/HD Boredom Coping_Strategies Disability Father's_Day Frustration Proper Procedure

When I Dreamed of Fame It Was Never as a Poster Child for Depression

You might think I'd be used to it. After all, I'm on social security disability and therefore constantly receive junk mail for hearing aids and senior citizen discounts. Obviously, at 41 I'm officially over the hill as far as the direct marketing world is concerned. I might as well pick out a cemetery plot and write my own eulogy. Still, when I was contacted to be interviewed for a news report out of Ohio, I was surprised the topic was baby boomers and depression.

Baby boomer? "I'm only 41," I replied. "My mother's the baby boomer. ;)"

It was close enough, apparently, so the interview was on.

Baby boomers, according to Wikipedia, are those Americans born between 1946 and 1964. Technically, this means my mother's not a baby boomer either, but she was born in 1945 so she always considered herself of that generation. I, however, am her child, not my grandparents, so I think it's a stretch to put me in the group, even if I was born in 1966. There was just one thing, though. I had depression and I blogged. That made me perfect for Ms. Dunn's article.

We spoke for about thirty minutes and I answered questions about how I was diagnosed and how I managed my depression. I have to admit, I was disappointed with the final results. I don't think enough was said about the struggle I had developing my method or how close it was to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or how highly I recommend that form of therapy for those that struggle with depression. However, there was an upside: I didn't sound like a complete idiot, something I was quite worried about. No foot in the mouth material here for another blog. I know you're disappointed.

You can find the complete article over at NewsNet5.com, but here are the relevant bits. Let me know if I should request a refund for my fifteen minutes of fame:

Moodiness And Depression

Douglas Cootey, 41, of Midvale, Utah, suffers from depression and attention deficit disorder. He says he was diagnosed with depression after seeking help for ADD. A magnetic resonance image was taken of his brain, and the doctor said, "Hey, did you know you were depressed?"

"I was miserable, angry and hating life," he says, adding that he had suicidal thoughts.

Cootey, like King, tried antidepressants. He says the drugs ruined his life because now he has chronic motor tic disorder that causes quick uncontrollable movements or vocal outbursts.

He says that while on the medication, he was still miserable and emotionless. In fact, he says that he was curled under a desk in the dark while on the medication.

In 1995, he went off the medication. He also started to approach his depression differently. The stay-at-home father of four says he uses "forced optimism."

"Changing the way you think will change the way you live," he said.

With self-analysis, he says he recognizes when he is depressed and works to combat it. He does this by indulging in fun activities, praying, walking, going for a ride, exercising and blogging.

Additionally, he says his wife, Robyn, has played a tremendous role in helping him cope with his condition.
"My wife gives me wonderful back rubs," he said. "She lets me talk … she'll listen to me."

Actually, I didn't specify what type of machine they used because it was ages ago and I couldn't remember, but I do recall the doctor said "So. Tell me about your depression." I was probably being cheeky when I recounted the tale, so I'll have to watch for that next time I'm interviewed. I also stated that I referred to my method as "ENforced optimism", but I suppose I am just quibbling. I also wasn't sure if 1995 was really the date I stopped taking Zoloft. A lot of those years are a bit of a blur, what with being depressed and medicated and hanging out in a dark bedroom. For the record, I only remember one time crawling under a desk, but it did happen. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I regret having mentioned it.

In the future, I'll have to nail all the parts of my story down and save it as a file so I don't give conflicting information.

So, what do you think? Was it worth the link to my blog? Did you learn anything new, or should I just keep my mouth shut next time? I hate to rush you, but somebody just requested to use a photo of mine off this blog in an upcoming book on bloggers and they want an answer. It's probably a good thing, but then I haven't seen which photo of mine they want to use. Let's hope it's not the one at the top of this article.






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Two Tips to Treat ADHD Issues with Speaking

Today Reader Becky has a question for me I thought deserved an official response. I'm sure others with ADHD experience this problem, and I'd love to know what various coping strategies people have come up with.

"I stumbled on your blog, trying to find techniques or help on how to speak better. Any advise, links etc. for a speaking fool? (ex: seeing a horse in a pasture, I call out to my husband, "look, look... a.. a... dog!"... yeah.. :/

I assume "slowing down" my output is key... my mind racing faster than I can spit it out... maybe reading out loud or something?"

What a fantastic question, Becky. ADHD folks can often have disconnects between thought and tongue. That's why we have foot-in-mouth issues all the time, but it also means we can sometimes sound stupid to our peers as our brains short out on our way to sounding like we know what we're talking about. On bad days, I worry about this a great deal. It also affects my ability to play an instrument in public. I never know when a flash of light or a flurry of motion from the audience will wipe my mind in the middle of a performance. Embarrassing.

I have a full plate right now, but this is such a good question, and I have the same problem, I'm surprised I haven't tackled it here on the blog before. I'll try to be brief.

Reading out loud is a good idea, but it might not reproduce the same glitchy experience because the thoughts are all written out for you. The problem seems more prevalent when excitement enters into the fray, like when discussing emotions or, in your case, suddenly seeing a horse. This can cause our impulsive center to misfire. Because of this problem, speaking in public can be quite panic inducing for me. It can also be detrimental to self-esteem.

I have been trying to keep a video diary to address this issue. The video diary is private. With it I am trying to get over feeling stupid in front of the camera as well as being able to express myself without those glitchy moments. As you mentioned, pacing ourselves to not let our tongues get ahead of our brains is key. I also force myself to do two audio posts a month on this blog (something I took away from my blog at Healthyplace). I'll redo it ten times to get it right, but I won't edit. That's the deal I made with myself. It must be candid and casual. It can be "mostly good", but it can't take more than a few minutes to put together. Practice does make perfect.

I have found that both of these activities help. The trick is to simulate the situations that induce the glitchy experiences without subjecting yourself to ridicule. This is one reason why I have not embraced YouTube as a means of self-expression.

Well, mostly:



  
 
Follow me on Twitter for my ADHD escapades at @SplinteredMind or my novel writing project over at @DouglasCootey. And if you're a glutton for punishment you can friend me on Facebook as well.

 

Thirteen Reasons Why ADHD Rocks!

Thirteen Reasons Why ADHD ROCKS! I can come up with a new idea about every five minutes! My impatience and restlessness turns every drive to work into the Indianapolis 500. I still remember with relish those halcyon days of my youth where I was learning to drive and my father held onto the car seat for dear life, stomping on the "brake" in the passenger seat. Don't worry, Dad. My oldest is up for her driver's permit in five months. You'll finally have your revenge. Since I'm so forgetful, my wife let's me buy nifty, but very expensive electronic Personal Digital Assistants to keep track of everything! Cool! They play MP3s, too! Not that I need them for that. I have an iPod which I talked my wife into letting me buy because it would help me tune out background noise and increase productivity. My children can discover the elemental power of volcanoes up close and personal because "Mount Vesuvius" erupts whenever the noise levels get too high around the home. What were we talking about again? I'm never really bored because of the 4000 irons burning in the fire at any given moment. My penchant for putting my foot in my mouth has helped me become wonderfully skilled at diplomacy and damage control over the years due to all the apologies I've had to give. Since I'm almost always late I have become terribly fashionable in the circles I move in. Not many people can claim they've had thirty three jobs by the time they were twenty five. Being hyperactive and Italian may mean that people have to duck as I swoosh my arms around when I speak, but my upper body is quite tone for a near-forty deskbound artgeek. If I could figure out a way to use my abdomen when talking I'd be in great shape. My friends travel from miles and miles away just to sit in my entertainment room and watch me talk. I'm so animated and hyper they take bets on when my eyebrows will take flight and leave my face. I can't remember anybody's name which gives me opportunity to get to know people over and over again. Having ADHD means being a raving insomniac which means I have more hours to work! Whoohooo! Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

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Author Meets and Eats

Hanging my head in shame and staying home because I'm not a famous, rich, successful whatever is boring. It is so much more fun to get out and mingle with people. I'm not sure when I discovered this, though, but it didn't come without a lot of resistance on my part.

I used to hide at home, certain the world would think less of me because everybody knew that I dropped out of college when I became disabled. They also had access to my current bank balance and knew, I mean really KNEW, how close to zero I rode things. As far as I was concerned, everyone was intimately aware that I was a loser, right? Well, that's what I used to think, because that's what I believed about myself.

How stupid.

For the past few years I've been attending writers conferences, pushing myself to abandon these foolish fancies and face an inconvenient truth: People actually like me.

I know. Weird, huh?

So when I learned that my friends, Brodi Ashton and Bree Despain, were hitting every author event in the valley and getting invited to dinner, I thought, "Hey! I like dinner…" and decided to do the same. I haven't been invited to dinner yet, but I'm sure the invite will come any day now. I have to first convince all those authors that I don't eat with my feet.

It might also help if I finish a manuscript or two. Speaking of which, despite raging ADHD, I have started and finished a children's picture book manuscript this month. I call it "Take a Hike!" and I am very pleased with it. It's the first new picture book I've done in a long while. The others have been reworked to death. Today I will send it off to an agent I have a two year old, dusty rapport with and hope for the best. It starts off like this:

On the Couch with Twitter: Social Networking as Therapy

Did you ever think one of those social networking sites could be therapeutic? Neither did I until I discovered Twitter.

I have been an old fogey when it came to the social networking space. I have tried out MySpace but it really had no appeal to me. Nobody I knew used it, and the only people who contacted me where sleazy women trying to sell me pharmaceuticals. I have a Facebook page, too. It is a lot quieter than MySpace, but before my recent experiment it seemed just as pointless. Why would I want to worry about managing virtual friends and maintaining a separate email database? I already had a Flickr account with it’s posting and commenting responsibilities. Besides, I had a website with my own domain which I failed to maintain on a regular basis. Who has time for all that? No, clearly, social media sites weren’t worth the trouble.

And yet something bugged me. Could it be I was just bad at these sites because, frankly, I couldn’t network with people if you locked me together with them in a room and wrapped our necks together with cable? Wouldn’t it be better for me in real life if I knew how to network virtually? I wouldn’t even need to get out of my bathrobe to do it.

I, like a lot of people with Depression or AD/HD, have a hard time interacting with people. Relationships can be exhausting and fraught with mines and pitfalls, more so if one is slightly out of sync. When I discovered http://twitter.com, I immediately noticed that it was different from the other social networks. Twitter was instant messaging mixed with blogging - a little slice of life in the form of status messages updated by web, widget, or cell phone. It was a compulsive lifestreamer’s fantasy come true. What impressed me most about other tweeters was how busy and productive they were. Many of them worked in the tech industry so I found what they said interesting, though I soon discovered that there were many different walks of life represented in the world of Twitter. I decided I wanted to be like them, even though I was “only” a homeschooling parent. (At the time I was feeling down about the oncoming homeschool year and lack of personal time to pursue my dreams. I needed something to lift my spirits.)

I decided I would not allow negativity to control how I represented my day. I would not allow myself to grouse and whine. I would try to be interesting. I would try to meet people, and I would try to think positively about myself. I would be the best me possible. Then I would see what would happen. This was my chance to do networking right. 

I began my experiment on August 4th as TheLaughingImp. I felt a little silly at first. “Who really cares what I am doing on my computer?” I would ask myself. However, I began following people who I found interesting. Then I sent replies to them (@username message). I direct mailed them (D @username message) and asked them questions. They began to reply back. I started to have fun leaving my updates. I even found services like Jott and Twittergram that let me leave voice mails as tweets (Jott can even transcribe your tweet). After two months I noticed strangers replying to my comments. My list of followers was going up. I was in active discussions with new people. All the while I kept on target and didn’t let myself slip into the pitiful Eeyore-like cadence depressives tend to do. I also kept my AD/HD foot out of my mouth. 

Over the last few months I heard about earthquakes in California in real time as my friends online experienced them. I tuned into the fire updates tweeted regularly by a California radio station in October. I learned about tech services before they were written up in the blogs. I photoblogged events I attended and tweeted running commentary during concerts for people who weren’t there with me. I felt empowered.

Most importantly, I hooked up with local bloggers who in turn told me about events like photowalking in Salt Lake City and podcampSLC. The photowalking gave me opportunity to meet new people and do new things - to visit places I might otherwise not have. PodcampSLC has given me opportunity to use my skills for an upcoming tech conference. I designed the logo. I’ll be helping find fellow Utahn podcasters, vloggers, and bloggers and trying to get them excited about attending the event.  More new people to meet; less opportunity to stay at home sad and lonely. 

Overall, the experiment was a success. By focusing on sharing positive aspects of my life I have improved my own outlook and perhaps influenced others for good. If I am depressed one day, my committment to reflect my life positively keeps me from wallowing, with the side benefit of lifting my spirits. If you are feeling disconnected from society and are wanting for new social contacts, I heartily encourage you to open a Twitter account today. Registration is free and there are many different apps out there to help you keep pace with all the people you are following. Give it a month or two and you’ll start forging new friendships online and offline. That’s what social networking is all about.

You can find me on the following networks:

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=740958689
Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/darkstream/
Last.fm: http://www.last.fm/user/TheLaughingImp/
MySpace: http://myspace.com/douglascootey
Pownce: http://pownce.com/TheLaughingImp/
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheLaughingImp

tags technorati : ADD AD/HD ADHD Blogging Coping Strategies Depression Fun Distractions Mind Over Mood Productivity Thinking Positive Facebook MySpace.com Twitter Social Networking Social Media

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Up Close & Personal

This article was originally published at dadomatic.com.



I like to think my girls are bright—even brilliant. They’re certainly more brilliant than I am, though that may not be the grand compliment I mean it to be. I’m lucky if I can remember to put my pants on before I go outside.

I can’t say that they are perfect, nor are they all on the same level, but their development stands in stark contrast with my youngest daughter’s.

We almost lost her when she was three days old. Then we almost lost her again a month later. Both times she was hospitalized; each time was harrowing. And there was a price to pay: Brain damage. Cerebral Palsy.

ADHD: Four Rules To Fake It When You Forget Somebody's Name

I attended a church picnic the other day. The sun was bright, yet the weather was cool. It was a perfect day for outdoor frolicking. I wasn’t sure if I would attend at first because my girls weren’t with me. Watching other people’s families have fun isn’t high up on my things to do on a lovely Saturday afternoon, especially if they are happy li’l nuclear families, but I decided to go anyway. It was the first activity since being assigned to the new ward[1] and I wanted to meet & mingle.

Since it was a stake picnic, all the wards in our stake were in attendance, including the one I used to attend. I walked around and tried to recall names of the new ward members I had met on previous Sundays and said hello to the people I bumped into from my previous ward, but then somebody called out my name. Her hair was up and she was in large, dark sunglasses. All I could see of her face was her welcoming smile.

“Brother Cootey! It's good to see you!”“Yeah, it's good to see you, too!”

We chatted a bit about my daughter who used to be in her young women's program, then I walked away. Only at that point did I remember her name. I was so used to meeting people from my new ward that day and having those awkward “You're…um…Joel?”/“And you're…uh…Douglas?” moments, that I went back to her and said, “Hey! You're Sister Wengle!”[2] This wouldn’t have been a problem if I we hadn’t seen each other for two years, but it had only been two months.

She wasn't wearing her sunglasses then, so I could see the hurt in her eyes. Ouch. I hate letting people down. I let her know that I have ADHD and tend to forget names, and she was a good sport, but it was a splash of cold water on a warm moment. I shouldn't have let her know that I forgot her name. It violated my number two rule, but it was an impulse. Open mouth; insert foot. You know he drill.

People with ADHD tend to have issues with working memory. There is often a barrier preventing us from accessing information at the appropriate moment. The effect is the same as forgetting, but if you understand about the delay, perhaps now you'll understand why so many ADHD adults suddenly interrupt a conversation with “Oh! I forgot to get the toilet paper!”

That poor sister was surprised at how well I was at faking that I remembered her name. Yes, I’m very good at it. I decided to master this problem after noticing a friend on campus many years ago. He was a quarter of a mile away, but it was unmistakably him. I ran across the quad and called out, “Hey! …!” and then came to an awkward stop in front of him. I had gone blank. He wasn’t impressed. There’s probably a reason we aren’t friends anymore, whatever his name was.

I’ve had over twenty years of practice since then, and I don’t get myself in those situations anymore. That awkward picnic moment was an aberration for me, so I’m going over my rules to have another twenty years without incident, and now I share my rules with you.

1. SMILE– A smile will put both of you at ease. The minute they see that certain panicked look on your face, the jig is up. Keep your face calm and friendly instead.
2. DON'T ADMIT YOU FORGOT THEIR NAME– If you haven’t seen them for a while, chances are they’ve forgotten your name, too. Besides, that information is floating just out of your reach. Relax and let it drift into your orbit. After all, you know them, right? Why needlessly hurt their feelings? This doesn’t change how happy you are to see them.
3. CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY– Your word choices can expose you and lead to an embarrassing moment, so practice saying, “Hey, how are you doing?”, not “Hey, how are you doing, …?” with an awkward “Ohmigosh-I-forgot-their-name!” face. Say “How’s your husband?”, not, “How’s …(Is it Ken? Cole? Kermit‽)” Try “What’s that smart kid of yours been up to?” They’ll probably fill in his name for you.
4. DODGE & WEAVE– Conversations with old colleagues or neighbors at the DMV or supermarket are usually very brief. The moment is too fast for names to matter. You’ll probably remember when you pull out of your parking space. Until then, ask them about their work, their marriage, their kids, etc. Catching up may even jog that swiss cheese memory of yours.

The only time you should admit you can't recall their name is if they figure it out, or you plan on having an extended conversation. Then remember rule number one and mention your momentary lapse in memory. You'll have time to smooth things over. I can't say that everyone who I've been honest with has been happy about my lapse in memory, but none of those moments have ever been as bad as things were for me before I followed these rules.

People like to believe that they are memorable. Don’t you? Forgetting someone's name makes them feel as if you've forgotten who they are. You & I know that name is somewhere in our noggin. We haven't forgotten that person at all, but they won't always understand. If you have a hard time remembering people’s names, follow these rules to get you through most social greetings. For some reason they’re easier to remember than those darn names.

---

1. Wards are what Mormons call their congregations. Several wards make up a stake. Several stakes make up an area. As populations change, sometimes reorganizing the ward boundaries becomes necessary. In my case, my apartment complex was reassigned to a different ward. I didn't move, but where I attended church did.  ↩

2. Name changed to protect that sister's identity, and not because I forgot her name again.  ↩

I Have Long Resisted the Urge

Tuesday - Entry 4:

When I began offering a donation button on my blog, I had mixed feelings. I have long resisted the urge to load my blog with ads, yet with work being so spotty this year my blog was the only resource I had that was working for me. With 200-300 unique visitors a day, up to 9000 individuals a month, I figured a buck here and there from donations might help.

Two weekends ago we were struggling with an issue. I had just started a freelance job but the paychecks hadn't started rolling in yet. And when they did start rolling in, it wasn't going to be enough. I had rent coming up, bills due, and my children all needed new school clothes. Especially the Brownie. She was running around with sneakers that had worn through at the ankle, exposing the frame wire. It dug into her foot constantly and hurt. I tried wadded up paper to be a buffer between her foot and the sneaker mouth, but even with me rebending the wire back every day there was only one solution that would be guaranteed to work: new sneakers.

Then a donation came in.

The following day I took the Leprechaun and Brownie with me to Target. It was the Sabbath, but I was so desperate. I truly hoped it was an ox in the mire situation. We found the Brownie a pair of black sneakers with pink trim. They fit perfectly. And best of all they didn't hurt. I also picked up extra pairs of underwear. She was all set for the new school week. Thanks to the donators' generosity, my daughter had a large smile on her face and felt like a million bucks.

The other day somebody posted on my blog that they were sorry they couldn't donate any money. Let me expand here a bit on what I told that reader. If you can afford a buck to help out, I would appreciate it. I write about subjects that some of you find helpful, but I don't expect donations from everyone. I offer my blog for free. It's not your fault I've fallen onto hard times. I would rather be selling ebooks to you, frankly, but I don't have any for sale yet. There are other ways to show your appreciation for what I write. If you share my blog, retweet me, or take a moment to leave a comment, I see that as generosity and appreciate it, too. The time you give me is valuable. Thank you. Thank you.

For those who helped me with my kids' needs since I started taking donations, I want to give them a shout out. Thanks to Brass Hammer Designs and Simon Peacock for donations last May. Click on their links and visit their blogs. And for my two anonymous donators in September? God bless you. I respect your need for privacy, even if one of you has an awesome blog that I wish I could tell everybody to go visit now.

In the meantime, my little girl has enjoyed her new sneakers immensely and I feel truly blessed. I write to connect with others who share similar problems in life. Thank you for connecting back to me.

~Dˢ

ADDitude Magazine: the Case of the Sudden Wedding Ring

My latest blog about being an ADHD dad at ADDitude Magazine went up a few weeks ago. In it I wrote about how much trouble blurting things almost got me into at a school conference. Oh, it's just too embarrassing to write about again. You can read all about the Case of the Sudden Wedding Ring and how eloquent I sound with a foot in my mouth over at the Family Guy.

(Just FYI. I choose titles for my blogs, but the editor always come up with his own titles. So, to avoid an inverse black hole of SEO chicanery, I'll be referring to the blogs over at ADDitude Magazine by my titles. You know, just in case you were confused or something. Clear? No? kthxbye!)

Thirteen Things I Can't Do When I'm Ticking

I'm going to try hard to NOT sound maudlin, pitiful, and pathetic, but I'm having a hard time today and need to do something drastic. I'm so neurologically off I can't even walk well. But I can sit in front of a computer and vegetate. I believe I've done enough of that today. So instead of doing that for the rest of the night I'm going to write this Thursday Thirteen entry up, take some notes on my next article on punctuality and the punctuality police, sketch as best as I can, and watch a movie with my daughters.

I am sharing here, but I do not want your sympathy. Please do not feel sorry for me. No teary eyed comments. No snide comments either. I am coping, albeit grumpily. Tomorrow will be a new day and I'm positive that this ticking episode will end soon. It's just that pulling off Christmas took it's toll on me.

Here we go - a list of things I wish I could do right now but can't because I'm experiencing what I call a "Slow Tic" day (when messages from my mind to the rest of my body seem to be passed by carrier pigeons with ADHD).

1. Can't talk with my daughters or wife because I sound like Max Headroom with Alzheimer's Disease.
   
2. Can't walk well because my right foot insists on curling.
   
3. Can't dance away the Christmas pounds. See above.
   
4. Can't play the pennywhistle.
   
5. Can't play my Chromonica.
   
6. Can't draw well. Oh, it's baaaaad.
   
7. Can't get out of my own way.
   
8. Can't handle noise at all today.
   
9. Can't pull myself away from my Mac tucked away deep inside my studio in the basement.
   
10. Can't stop snacking. What is it with ticking and snacking? Especially intense flavors. I almost crave those flavors, from spicy hot ramen to sour candies, when I am ticking. I wonder if it's my brain trying to fend off depression...
    
11. Can't focus very well. My mind is flitting from subject to subject like a strung out butterfly hooked on buttercups.
    
12. Can't be productive. That really bothers me. This exercise is helping me cognitively and I'm kicking myself for not having thought of it earlier. Of course, I can't kick myself very well. No coordination. So I wave my leg at myself and call it good.
    
13. Can't imagine how I'm going to post on other people's Thursday Thirteens tonight. I'm so out of it I know I'll end up sticking my digital foot into my binary mouth. But if I don't post on other TTs I'll miss the swarm. Guess I'll resign myself to missing the swarm and post thoughtful comments tomorrow. I can't bring myself to leave empty "Happy TT" comments instead.

I don't feel sorry for myself. Just frustrated. Time is so precious. I hate to waste it. And now maybe I can go do something with my night, even if I have to hobble physically and mentally around. This list made me angry. I am tired of having life robbed from me because of disabilities.

One purpose for my blog is to reach out to others who are discouraged because of their disabilities. I've focused on AD/HD, Depression, and Motor Tic Disorders, but any type of disability can be discouraging. The mental ones seem to be hardest, however, because they lack sympathy and understanding in our fellow man. I blogged about it two years ago when I broke my toe. So I want to share with people my struggle so they become inspired. They don't have to buy into the lie that they need a psychiatrist and his medications to cope with life for the rest of their life. They don't have to buy into the lie that they are a loser and useless either. We have the power in ourselves to do more than we think.

Sometimes we forget that, as I forgot that today, because we are so busy struggling with our problems. However, positive thinking won't make me magically stop ticking, but it will help my mindset so that I cope with the ticking better. Already I can sense a change inside myself and I'm anxious to act on it.


If you blog, please tell me thirteen things about yourself and link it here. Oh, and try to refrain from linking here if you don't have a Thursday Thirteen post. I'll just end up removing your link.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Thursday Thirteen #7
tags technorati : ADD ADHD AD/HD Depression Disability Thursday Thirteen

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Articles

Quotables:

• Blog Therapy: 7 Great Blogs About ADHD – ADDitude Magazine
• 25 Everyday Brain Boosts from Our ADHD Experts – ADDitude Magazine
• Turn the Page: 10 Great Books About ADHD – ADDitude Magazine
• The Best of the Best: Our Favorite Blogs About Life with ADHD – ADDitude Magazine
• ‘Cancer Is Just An Excuse’ – Insensitive Things People Say About Mental Illness, Translated – Yahoo News

Articles Published in ADDitude Magazine:

• Trainwreck: My Life As an Idoit – Book Review
• Sounds Hammered My ADHD Brain Like Blows.
• Showdown with ADHD
• I Felt 20 Years of Deep Guilt.
• “I Have ADD and You Don’t”
• "After the Thrill: Avoiding a Hyperfocus Hangover"

Articles Published at ADDitudeMag.com:

• My author page…
• Losing It over Losing My Wallet
• ADHD and Adrenaline: Perfect Together?!
• The Day I Over-Shared about My Daughters
• I Can’t Get on the Same Page as Everyone Else
• How My ADHD Anger Hurt My Marriage and Kids
• No One Wants to Live with the Hulk
• Did I Really Say That — Or Was I on ADHD Autopilot?
• Crazy, Stupid “Love” at the Parent-Teacher Conference
• A Breakfast to Remember
• Teaching My Kid to Cope: Lessons from an ADHD Dad
• My Big Fat Oreo Experiment
• Boredom x ADHD = Depression
• The Kids Are Alright. But I'm Not
• Promises, Promises: Why I Broke Them and How I Keep Them Now
• Exploding Eggs: What Can Happen When You Fall Out of Your Routine
• Stop Guilt Attacks Now: My Four-Step Plan
• Why My Stuff Goes Missing and How I Get It Back
• My Daughters Think I Hate Them
• My Saving Grace: People Who Get that I Have ADHD
• New, Different, Shiny: A Sure-Fire Way to Break the Grip of Hyperfocus
• How I Get My Foot Out of My ADHD Mouth
• The Panic Button: Why Anyone with ADHD Should Never Hit It
• It’s a Landslide! How I Face All Those To-Do’s with a Smile and a Strategy
• When My Daughters Need Me, I Chuck My To-Do List to the Wind
• The Day My Daughter Went “Missing,” Thanks to My ADHD
• Mission Impossible: Tips for Getting Through the Most Torturous Project on Your To-Do List
• Oh, No, Did I Really Just Say That?!
• How to Settle Your ADHD Brain When You Have to Call 911
• The Heat Is On, and My ADHD Brain Is Melting
• Did You Diagnose Yourself with ADHD? Don’t Stop There!
• Stop Beating Yourself Up! I Did!
• My ADHD-Inspired Expletives Weren’t Always Deleted, But Now They Are
• Falling into Depression, and Climbing Out Again – The original blog with photos is here.
• “I Got a Lot Done Today. So Why Do I Feel Like a Loser!”
• Me and My ADHD Family — Happily Imperfect Together
• Helping My Daughter with ADHD Cross the Finish Line
• Tick Tock: Teaching My Kids Time Management
• Procrastination Busters for Our Kids
• Say, What?!
• Risk Management: Tips for Stimulation-Seeking Kids
• ADHD Humor: My Gift and My Curse
• The Reinvented Chore Chart That Actually Motivates My Child