How to Communicate Assertively

Strike the right balance between passiveness and aggression so you can get what you want

Written by Guy Reichard | Edited by Dev Murphy, MA

Last Updated: February 27, 2024 Fact Checked

It might feel sometimes as if you have to be a bully to get what you want, but in fact, you can be calm and respectful while still having your voice heard and getting your needs met. If you struggle to be assertive, you're in the right place! We've developed a guide for becoming more assertive and confident so you can ask for what you want with authority. Check it out below!

This article is based on an interview with our executive life coach, Guy Reichard, founder of HeartRich Coaching & Trainin. Check out the full interview here.

1

Embrace assertive thought patterns.

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To become a more assertive person, practice thinking like one. If you tend to be more aggressive or more passive, thinking somewhere in the middle might not come easy, but with practice, it’ll become second nature. An assertive person might adopt the following mantras:
- I won’t be taken advantage of, or attack another person.
- I will stand up for myself in a respectful manner.
- I will express myself directly and openly.

2

Speak calmly and clearly.

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Proper enunciation and a calm tone will help you get your point across. Maintain a considerate, non-threatening tone, but speak confidently and enunciate your words. Speak loudly enough to be heard, but avoid yelling or talking over anyone else. In a respectful dialogue, there’s no need to raise your voice.
- Even if you disagree with the person you’re addressing, try to maintain an even tone anyway. This doesn’t mean hiding your displeasure: you may frown or state that you disagree, but keeping your emotions in check will help both of you remain calm so you can come to a compromise more readily.

3

Use cooperative, constructive language.

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Assertive language is confident but considerate. When you speak assertively, you’ll convey respect, sincerity, and firmness. Be patient and specific when communicating your needs, offering constructive (rather than destructive) comments and compromising as needed.
- Try to use “I” statements when asking for what you want or confronting someone. “I” statements convey that you are willing to take responsibility for your own thoughts and behaviors: “I feel upset when you talk over me,” or “I would appreciate it if you CC’d me on future emails.”
- State your feelings, wants, opinions, and needs in simple sentences. This will help the other person clearly understand what you’re asking.^{[1]
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- For example, instead of speaking to a family member in long sentences full of hints and indirect statements, be brief and direct: "I love when you call me just to talk! It's hard for me to have a long conversation during work hours, though. I'd appreciate it if you called during the evening instead."

4

Display assertive body language.

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Assertive body language is respectful, but confident. Non-verbal assertive communication conveys consideration, sincerity, and self-esteem. Use your body language to show you’re paying careful attention to what someone else is saying and to express confidence in your own stance.
- Practice active listening to show you respect the other person. Even if you disagree with them, face them as they speak and nod occasionally to show you’re paying careful attention.
- Maintain eye contact with them to indicate interest. Experts recommend holding eye contact for about 4-5 seconds at a time before glancing away.^{[2]
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- Have confident body language. Keep your shoulders squared and your chin up. Avoid fidgeting or covering your mouth when you speak.

5

Express emotions without losing control of them.

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Assertive communication doesn’t mean being a robot. While aggressive people may get their way by being a bully, assertive people may have to compromise from time to time, because assertive communication is about finding the balance between aggression and passiveness. You’re bound to disagree with someone now and again, and authentic communication means expressing your feelings without letting them take control of an interaction.
- Smile when you’re happy or when negotiations are going your way, but don’t fake being OK if you’re not. Remember that a sincere smile engages the whole face, not just the mouth.
- If you’re unhappy, say so or show it, but keep your emotions in check. Remember that being angry is not the same thing as being aggressive, and hiding your true feelings about something that displeases you is passive (or passive-aggressive).
- You might express displeasure by frowning, or you might say so directly but calmly while still making it clear you’d like to find a solution that works for everyone: “I’m not happy with that idea. Could we keep hashing this out a bit?”

6

Journal about your emotions.

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Journaling can help you understand your feelings and keep them in check. In order to learn how to communicate assertively, it is important that you learn how to effectively manage your emotions. Keeping a daily journal can be a helpful way to get your feelings out so you can understand what caused them and therefore manage them a bit better.
- Write down situations that trigger your emotions. Stick to facts and try not to make any interpretations yet. For example, you may simply write, “I asked my friend to go out to eat, and she said ‘no.’”
- Identify the emotions and thoughts you experienced in the situation. Be honest about how you felt. Specify what emotions you were aware of at the time and what thoughts, assumptions, and beliefs you had.

7

Learn to manage stress.

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Stress can negatively affect the way you communicate with others. It can be challenging to keep your emotions under control when you’re stressed, especially if you feel like the person you're talking to doesn’t understand you or won’t help you meet our needs. Take steps to acknowledge and manage the stress in your life so that you’re better equipped to communicate with others directly and respectfully.^{[3]
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- Try to meditate every day for at least 5-10 minutes. Meditation has a calming effect on the brain that lasts well after your meditation session.^{[4]
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- Progressive muscle relaxation may also help relieve stress: clench different parts of your body for 10 seconds at a time, then release. Start with your upper arms, shoulders, neck, head, and face. Then continue with your chest, stomach, back, buttocks, thighs, calves and feet.^{[5]
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8

Make decisions effectively.

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Think through a problem carefully before making a decision. Being assertive means taking control of your life and making decisions that best suit you, rather than letting someone else make decisions for you or allow yourself to become swayed by someone else against your better judgment. By identifying the problem and considering all the possible solutions and outcomes, you’ll become better equipped to make decisions under pressure and to feel confident about your choices.
- Consider the IDEAL method for decision-making:^{[6]
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  - I – Identify the problem. What is the basic situation that needs to be addressed?
  - D – Describe all possible solutions. These might include handling it yourself, asking for intervention from someone else, or doing nothing.
  - E – Evaluate the consequences of each solution. Evaluate your feelings and needs to determine the best outcome for yourself.
  - A – Act. Choose a solution and try it. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs.
  - L – Learn. Did the solution work? Evaluate why or why not. If it didn’t work, look at the other solutions on your list and work through them.

9

Set healthy boundaries.

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Protect your physical and emotional space. Boundaries are the physical, emotional, and intellectual barriers that you create to protect yourself from harm. Setting healthy boundaries will help you protect your personal space and self-esteem as well as make it easier to separate your own feelings from those of others. Unhealthy boundaries increase your likelihood of exposure to being adversely affected by others’ feelings, beliefs, and behaviors.^{[7]
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- Identify what your needs are and how you want to be treated. This will help you understand your expectations in interactions with other people.
- Learn to say no. If you do not feel right doing something, then don't do it. It's okay to reject someone.
- State your own opinions in a respectful manner. Don't be silent if you have something to say. Share your feelings freely: it's your right.

10

Project confidence.

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Seeing yourself in a positive light makes it easier to be assertive. If you don’t hold a high enough opinion of yourself, you might experience great difficulty asserting your own thoughts, beliefs, needs, and feelings. Furthermore, you may feel intimidated or reluctant to ask questions when you need clarification, focus too heavily on your own negative traits, and lack trust in yourself. Thankfully, if you’re not naturally confident, you can fake it till you make it: act and look confident, and practice speaking assertively in the mirror before talking to people.^{[14]
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Murphy, J. (2011). Chapter 1: How do you see yourself? In Assertiveness: How to stand up for yourself and still win the respect of others. Kindle Books.}
- Maintain good hygiene and wear clean, matching, unwrinkled clothes. It may garner other people’s respect—and it’ll also make you feel good about yourself.
- Rehearse what you're going to say. Practice in front of the mirror, into a recording, or even with a trusted friend, pretending he or she is your boss, significant other, or whomever you plan to speak with.

11

Seek professional help.

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Visit a counselor or psychologist if necessary. If you feel you still need help becoming assertive, it can help to see a professional. Counselors, coaches, and psychologists have education and training specifically in helping people communicate in healthy and meaningful ways.
- If you don’t or can’t see a counselor, and you’re a college student, keep in mind that many universities offer assertiveness training to students. This will help you practice assertiveness techniques and control your stress as you navigate different situations.

How Can I Be More Assertive?

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Question

How can I be more assertive with a boss at work?

Jessica Notini, JD
Negotiation & Mediation Coach
Jessica Notini is a Negotiation and Mediation Coach practicing in California and internationally in many Latin countries. She is also a Lecturer at Stanford Law School and an Adjunct Professor at Boalt School of Law, Hastings College of the Law, and Mills College's MBA Program. She is the past Chair of the California State Bar Alternative Dispute Resolution Committee, served as the President of the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California (formerly NCMA), and was a member of the Board of Directors for the Mediation Society of San Francisco. She was recognized for her leadership and years of dedication with the California Dispute Resolution Council’s 2012 Don Weckstein Award. She has a BA in Psychology from Wesleyan University and a JD from the University of Michigan.

Jessica Notini, JD

Negotiation & Mediation Coach

Expert Answer

In that case, you don't want to frame the assertion like, "You need to get with the program and do it my way," because clearly that wouldn't work out very well. Instead, try to get on the same page with them and focus on a shared interest or goal that you both care about. For example, you could focus the conversation on how you want to make sure the project gets done on time or within budget and that's why you're suggesting doing things differently than what your boss initially asked for or wanted.

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