How to Meet Guys

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Last Updated: April 14, 2023

Meeting guys can be a stressful part of your life. Sometimes, a new relationship falls right into your lap, whether or not it is a good time. Many people find themselves in the opposite position, however. If you are trying to meet a guy and consider a serious relationship with him, you need to know what you want. This will help you narrow the field of eligible men. Don’t cling to this ideal too rigidly, however, because life isn’t that simple.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Determining Who You Might Be Interested In

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Think about previous relationships. A great way to gauge who you might want to date is by looking at what worked and what didn’t in the past. Think back to what you loved about a guy, and what made you break up. Even if he broke up with you, you may not have agreed with his decision.
- For example, personality traits that you may pay attention to are previous boyfriends’ neatness, long-term goals, their ability to have a serious conversation, and so on.
You may love watching James Bond movies and have a crush on him, but in reality you may not be compatible with smooth talking men. Or, you may be attracted to guys who are extremely laid back, but you demand utmost cleanliness and neatness in your apartment. Think about what you can and can’t ‘live with’ – figuratively, but also literally speaking. You may want to eventually spend extended periods of time together.
Who you are friends with and who you date are not generally the exact same person. However, your best friends may be a good gauge for what you like in other people. There is, additionally, nothing that says you can’t date people you might otherwise consider your buddy. Take a step back and look at what you do with your best friends, and the parts of their personality that make you want to spend time with them.
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Look at past and current roommates. If you are looking for a potential long-term boyfriend, you will sooner or later want to know how you will get along at home. There is no exact formula for what makes great roommates, nor finding the ‘right’ guy. However, think about the behaviors that annoyed you and pleased you the most in previous roommates.^{[1]
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- For example, if you had to quit rooming with someone whose cat was soiling your clothing, a guy with a dog or cat may not be right for you.
- If you clashed with a roommate because they were messy and you aren't, you might have trouble getting along with a boyfriend who doesn't tidy up after himself.
Relationships are on another spectrum – between casual and serious. Generally speaking, casual relationships need less of a time commitment than serious ones. If you are secure in your career and want to build lifelong relationships, you will probably want to devote more time to new boyfriends. On the other hand, if you are busy all the time and can’t tend to a serious relationship, your needs are much different.
Compatibility is much less of an issue in the early phases of a relationship than several years down the road. It is easy to ignore the marriage and baby conversation early on (and even necessary), but you should know what you want. Think about whether you want to settle down anytime soon, and where your career goals might take you.

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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Looking in the Right Places

This is kind of a cliché first step, but it is still preferred by many. If you want a more casual relationship, involving once a week dinner dates, this is a good place to look. You already know that they enjoy nightlife and meeting new people. The local nightlife is a place where strangers from many different backgrounds converge. Who knows, you may intend only to start a casual relationship and meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
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Look where you spend the most time. You and your future boyfriend don’t have to have all the same career goals and hobbies. However, a good place to look for people with similar interests is where you spend your time outside work. This will give you ideas for dates you could go on besides going out to dinner. It is also one way to judge their core beliefs and values.
- For example, if you spend time at church and with religious groups, meeting someone in those circles is a way to ensure they share your beliefs.
- If you spend a lot of time rock climbing, you may want to meet others there.
- Time-consuming hobbies can overshadow relationships. If you can do them together, it could take some of the pressure off the relationship.
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Ask close friends and family. If you have had several unsatisfactory relationships in a row, you may want to ask for recommendations. Friends and family may know who they should set you up with better than you. After all, they are capable of evaluating your personality and needs as an outsider. Make sure to approach someone who is not going to set you up with someone they want to see you with rather than who might make you happy.
- Keep in mind your parents might be inclined to pair you with someone who shares their sociopolitical beliefs or who earns a certain amount of money.
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Keep your head up. You meet people in the most unexpected places, in everyday situations. Like ripples in the ocean, many simple conversations come and go without anyone noticing. However, a chance encounter with the right person may reveal enough commonalities to turn this ripple into a real wave. Don’t go to the grocery store today with the intention of meeting Mr. Right, but don’t ignore the people all around you.
- For example, you might see a regular in your local library reads the same authors that you do, so you might go up to him in the stacks.
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Try internet dating. Some people don’t have the luck that others do when it comes to meeting guys in their area. There are a number of internet dating sites that cater to many interests. Many people have had success with internet dating, so you might give it a try. It is a good idea to keep other non-internet options open, even while you have your profile online.
- Unfortunately, there are people throughout the world that prey on internet daters. Do not send money to someone you have met on the internet.^{[2]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Testing the Relationship Waters

Even if you and your new boyfriend have many similar interests, there will be new activities for you to try. Keep an open mind about this process. Spending time doing each other’s hobbies is a good way to learn about their interests and values. Besides, you may be introduced to a new hobby that you genuinely enjoy doing.
Though you should be open to his interests, don’t let your own be sidelined. A balanced relationship means spending equal time on each person. Remind him of what is important to you if you feel his ideas always win out. You want to be supportive, but not at the risk of neglecting yourself.

EXPERT TIP

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Keep a dating journal to stay in touch with your own point of view. Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a psychologist and relationship coach, says: "Documenting your relationship from your own perspective is very important, because if you start to get swept away by a relationship, you can look back at this journal and reconnect with how you felt over time."
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Keep an eye on the pace. Everyone has their own idea of how fast a relationship should progress – both in and outside of the bedroom. This will also vary based on how seriously you want to take the relationship. Make sure things aren’t progressing too fast for comfort. On the other hand, consider having a conversation with him if you feel there is no reason to be taking things so slowly.
- People looking for serious partners often take things slow to make sure the relationship will be a good fit in the long run.
- Others may prefer a more open-ended relationship. To some, if it feels right for the relationship to progress, they don’t hold it back because of a predetermined timeline.
- Don’t let finances factor into a decision to move in together. This should be based solely on your relationship.^{[3]
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You may be convinced it is Mr. Right after the first date. However, there are many sides to him that you haven’t seen yet. Give it a while before you have your mind made up. This will make it harder for your heart to get broken by a guy you thought you were in love with, after his real personality started to show.
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Ask about long-term goals. This is a hard conversation to have at first, but it has to come up eventually. There are a few main areas you need to talk about. Apart from personal views on marriage and children, there is also your career to talk about. Let him know if you plan on working in this job for only a year or 2 more before moving elsewhere. He may be ready to move as well, but he may not.
- If you aren't ready to settle down, let him know. He may be okay with dating casually.
- Similarly, if you're looking for a long-term relationship, let him know so he can back out if he isn't interested in dating seriously.
- Tell them your views on children. If he says he doesn't want them right now, ask him if he expects that to ever change.
Lifelong partnerships rarely consist solely of late-night partying and brunch. Start planning to celebrate holidays with him in ways you remember from childhood. You obviously don’t have to include the traditions that drove you crazy, but remember a serious relationship will become less of a sidebar in your life and more of the main stage. You will continue to do family traditions, so start including him on these after you know he’s right for you.

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Warnings

Romantic relationships often develop between coworkers. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, but it may be against company policy. It also creates friction in the office if something goes wrong. You may not be able to help it if you fall in love with a guy from the office, but it is not advisable to look for guys in the office and casually date around.

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Decide how you feel about one night stands before you go out. It is a good idea to have a ‘policy’ against this if necessary, to keep yourself from doing something you regret later on. Even if you don’t think ‘that’ could happen tonight, it’s better to be prepared to make a decision if the opportunity presents itself.

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