The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2016
By Scott Keith on 15th November 2017
The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2016
Jesus, this show is THREE AND HALF HOURS!? Good thing I have the day off.
So yeah, I never did get around to doing this show originally, and with this year’s show coming up right away, now is as good a time as any.
Live from Toronto, ON
Your hosts are Mauro Ranallo, Corey Graves, JBL and Bryon Saxton.
Bayley, Alicia Fox, Sasha Banks, Nia Jax & Charlotte v. Nikki Bella, Becky Lynch, Carmella, Naomi & Alexa Bliss
So basically, an entire year later, we’ve switched Bliss and Charlotte and literally everyone else is in exactly the same position. Sadly, someone has attacked Nikki, so Natalya takes her place in an angle that was then milked for months despite the solution being obvious. Fox gets a northern lights suplex on Carmella for two, but Carmella comes back with a broncobuster for two and it’s over to Becky. Various RAW women tag themselves in and they squabble over who goes next, which leads to CHAOS. Nia Jax and her bizarre eye makeup clears the ring and we start again with Becky getting a rollup on Banks for two. Charlotte tags herself in and they do a sloppy sequence of rollups before Becky gets the armbar and Charlotte makes the ropes. Nia comes in and beats on Becky while the announcers have the most asinine bickering conversation. Nia overpowers Carmella and yells a lot, but Alicia comes in and beats on Carmella in the corner and finishes with an ax kick at 6:25.
Alexa lays out Fox and goes up to finish with the Sparkle Splash at 6:43. Charlotte gets tossed by Naomi and Naomi hits Nia with a dive, but Nia sends her into the post and beats the count at 8:20. Sasha gets triple-teamed in the blue corner but fights back on Nattie and Alexa at the same time with the double knees, and follows with the flying knees to Natalya on the floor. Back in, Nattie with a small package for two, and a rollup gets the pin at 10:15. Charlotte and Natalya trade chops and Nattie gets a release german suplex, then counters Charlotte’s moonsault into a powerbomb for two. Sharpshooter follows, but Charlotte makes the ropes and puts Nattie down with a big boot for the pin at 12:00. Well that was certainly a Survivor Series worthy elimination. Becky and Alexa bicker about who should finish Charlotte, but then team up on Nia Jax and get suplexed together for their troubles. Becky dropkicks Alexa onto Nia and they team up with a bowling shoe ugly DDT for two, followed by Becky getting the armbar to finish her at 13:33. Nia looked TERRIBLE in that sequence. Nia beats on Becky on the way out, and Charlotte boots Alexa down and out at 14:10. So Becky is alone with Charlotte and Bayley, and Charlotte tries the figure-four but gets decked. Becky makes the comeback with the exploder and goes up with the legdrop for two. Bayley saves and rolls her up for two, but Becky gets a pumphandle slam for two. Legdrop misses and Bayley elbows her down for two, but Becky tries the armbar and walks into the belly to belly at 17:50. Pretty anti-climactic finish. Match ranged from “Terrible” to “Eh” to “Pretty decent” at various points and never really had much momentum, mostly because there was no clear heel and face designations. **1/2
Meanwhile, the Club messes with James Ellsworth, but Mick Foley steps in to defend him and tries to recruit him to RAW.
Intercontinental title: The Miz v. Sami Zayn
A year later, and Miz is still IC champion, although arguably in a better position as champion. Sami goes after the arm to start and gets a rollup for two. Miz bails and Sami teases a dive, so Miz backs off. He whips Zayn into the railing and Sami rebounds with a moonsault off it. Back in, Miz takes out the knee and goes to work on it, and that goes on for a while before Zayn comes back with a clothesline while the crowd dozes. Sami was SUCH a geek at this point that there was little chance of this match getting over. Sami tosses Miz and follows with a plancha, and back in for the Michinoku Driver for two. Miz escapes the Blue Thunder Bomb and tries the figure-four, but Zayn cradles for two. Miz gets the short DDT for two and follows with three dropkicks in the corner, but Zayn hits the Blue Thunder for two. Miz tries the Skull Crushing Finale, but Sami rolls him up for two and follows with the Exploder, but he Heluva kick misses and Miz gets the figure-four. Sami fights him off and reverses it, so Miz gets the Yes kicks, and Zayn reverses him into his own terrible figure-four. It takes talent to do a figure-four more ugly than Miz’s. Maryse rings the bell and Sami celebrates like a geek, allowing Miz to roll him up and retain at 14:10. What a stupid finish, and no one in the building bought that Sami actually won or Miz was in any danger of tapping. Match didn’t have a lot of heat, but it was OK. **1/4
Meanwhile, AJ tries to give Dean Ambrose an inspirational pep talk and they have to do that stupid marketing jargon that no one else in the world uses. “Tonight,” Dean notes, “fantasy warfare becomes reality.” WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?
Enzo & Cass, The Shining Stars, The Club, Sheamus & Cesaro, and the New Day v. Heath Slater & Rhyno, Breezango, The Usos, The Hype Bros, and American Alpha
Man, that is some WEAK ASS tag team divisions right there. Anyway, watching the initial period of Cesaro & Sheamus’s team, it makes me legitimately happy that they were able to work out their differences and become so awesome together as heels. Cass and Enzo manage to work in references to The Weeknd, Tim Hortons and Drake, just so we know we’re in Canada. Do they play The Weeknd as much as they do on pop radio up here? Fandango hands out a bunch of tickets, but he gets pinned with the Midnight Hour at 0:40. An Uso superkicks Kofi at 1:05 while they gloat about that one. Big Cass beats on Jimmy, but Epico tags himself in and gets beat up in the Smackdown corner. Anderson comes in and goes better, but runs into Zack’s knees in the corner and a Broski boot attempt sends Karl to the floor. Zack runs wild for a little longer, but gets booted and goes night-night with the Magic Killer at 5:00. Former US champion, ladies and gentlemen! American Alpha cleans house, but Gable quickly gets caught in the RAW corner and Epico beats him down for two. Delayed suplex gets two. Primo misses a blind charge, however, and Alpha finishes him with the top rope bulldog at 8:05.
We get a random pier-six brawl as it’s breaking loose in Tulsa and everyone is mixing it up roughhouse style in a see-saw battle, back and forth. Everyone ends up on the floor and Slater hits everyone with the dive, but Cesaro and Sheamus go after Gable and he regroups to also hit everyone with a dive. This leaves Jordan alone in the ring with Gallows and Anderson, and the Magic Killer ends him at 10:35. Slater comes back on Anderson, but walks into a spinebuster like a geek. RAW pounds on him, with Sheamus doing a hilariously-timed short-arm non-tag on Cesaro to be a jerk, and then Gallows turns on Enzo for good measure. This allows Rhyno to tag in, and the GOAR finishes Gallows at 12:22. But then Cass boots him down and out again and the Rocket Launcher ends him at 12:40. So the Usos emerge from whatever void that they were hiding in and Jey finishes Enzo with the flying splash at 13:21, leaving Sheamus & Cesaro v. The Usos. Sheamus pounds on Jey with the forearms , but he misses the Brogue Kick and the Usos superkick Cesaro out of the ring. Brogue Kick on Jimmy gets two, but Jey saves, knocks Sheamus off the top, and hits him with a flying knee for two. This time Sheamus gives Cesaro a real tag, and he hits Jey with forearms a go-go, a 619, and high cross for two. Giant Swing follows, but Jimmy superkicks the knee and Jey puts Cesaro in Tequila Sunrise. Cesaro reverses that into a Sharpshooter, and Sheamus stops Jimmy from saving, leaving Jey to tap out at 18:58. Basically everything before the finale was rushed junk, but the last portion was AWESOME. Maybe they should think about just doing a tag team match between those two at this year’s show? Just a suggestion. ***1/2
Meanwhile, Stephanie and Foley celebrate “their” triumphs tonight.
Cruiserweight title: Brian Kendrick v. Kalisto
So if Kalisto wins the title, then the entire division moves to Smackdown, which everyone knew wasn’t going to happen. Also, no one cared about Kendrick as champion, either. So in short, this one should have been left off the show. Kalisto snaps off a rana and they tease hitting their finishers before trading rollups for two while everyone goes to buy some poutine and Kinder eggs at the concession. Kendrick hangs Kalisto behind the stairs and dropkicks them. Back in, Kendrick with a suplex for two, but Kalisto comes back with a Spanish Fly off the ring apron (the hardest part of the ring!), which gets two in the ring. I appreciate Mauro’s enthusiastic call here, but no one cares. Kendrick bails and Kalisto follows with a tope. Back in, Kalisto goes up and gets crotched, and Kendrick brings him down with the bully choke, but Kalisto makes the ropes. Mauro talking about the “Smackdown fans breathing a sigh of relief” is ridiculous. Why would Vince even WANT to have one group of fans exclusively watching a show? Kalisto comes back with a death valley driver and short rana, and the Salidas Del Sol gets two. And then Baron Corbin just runs in and beats up both guys for the DQ at 12:30. Complete waste of time. *1/2
Shane McMahon, Bray Wyatt, Randy Orton, AJ Styles & Dean Ambrose v. Kevin Owens, Chris Jericho, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns & Braun Strowman
Roman gets booed out of the building, so you know we’re in Bizarroworld. Because really, there’s no other explanation. Michael Cole asks JBL to talk about his experience in 2005 and “how important it was for brand supremacy” and how people on social media are talking about the different brands. SHUT UP ABOUT THE BRANDS ALREADY. And then Otunga-bot has to chime in with “fantasy warfare”. Owens starts with Styles and they trade piledriver attempts and get nowhere, so KO brings in Jericho. Kevin’s inspirational hug is truly wonderful, and makes their eventual breakup all the more heartbreaking. Jericho can’t get anything going with AJ, so he lets Rollins have a try, and that brings Ambrose in. Seth tries a Pedigree without success, so Jericho tags himself back in, still yelling about his “$15,000”. Jericho blocks the lariat and gets an enzuigiri for two, but offers a tag and no one takes him up on it. Ambrose comes back and slugs away on Jericho, but Chris runs away from Shane McMahon, who then takes out with some armdrags. Jericho puts him down with a missile dropkick and Rollins gets a suplex for two. Roman comes in and beats on Shane to thunderous boos.
Shane escapes with a backdrop on Rollins and it’s back to Ambrose, as he trades corner clotheslines with Owens but clears the ring and hits Owens with a dive. He goes up and misses something, but counters the powerbomb into Dirty Deeds, which Jericho breaks up. We get the big team staredown spot as Braun tags himself in and it’s the big brawl. Ambrose tries a dive on Strowman and gets caught, and then KO cannonballs onto everyone. Back in, Strowman cuts off a Shane dive and attacks in the ring, but AJ and Dean save and everyone puts him on the floor. Dean and AJ take out Roman and Rollins, but Shane has to step in and stop their fussin’ and feudin’. This allows Braun to powerslam Dean and pin him at 15:57. Braun just hammers on Shane in the corner and tosses AJ out of the ring like a ragdoll, then blocks an RKO attempt. Strowman goes rogue on Jericho, but then chokeslams Wyatt and dropkicks him out of the ring instead. This allows Orton to fly in with an RKO OUTTA NOWHERE onto the table. Shane follows with the suicide elbow through the table, and Braun Strowman’s foot gets held by mascot James Ellsworth and he’s counted out at 21:25. Well I’d say Braun was protected pretty well there.
So Shane is mostly dead and Jericho takes over on him with a dropkick for two, and a pair of Codebreakers for two. Rollins comes in and stomps away on him, but Jericho misses a flying splash and it’s over to Styles finally. Ushigoroshi gets two. Jericho blocks the Styles Clash with the Walls, and Styles reverses THAT into the calf crusher and a small package for two. Styles Clash is broken up by KO, who uses the List on him and then lays him out with a powerbomb to draw a DQ at 29:28. Jericho is so upset by the List getting destroyed that he doesn’t see the RKO coming at 30:17. So it’s 4-on-2 for Smackdown and as usual Reigns has to save the day in between naps in the corner. Orton gets a powerslam on Rollins for two, and Bray gets a corner splash for two. JBL feels like Orton and Wyatt might be the most dangerous alliance they’ve ever seen. I feel like that’s really discounting the Dangerous Alliance. I mean, it was RIGHT IN THEIR NAME! Orton with a superplex on Rollins, but it’s hot tag Reigns and he cleans house. Samoan drop on Orton and Wyatt, and a powerbomb on Styles gets two. Superman punch is countered by a Pele kick, and Shane comes back in with a hurricane DDT on Roman and then takes Rollins down with a double leg. He sends Roman into the post to set up the Van Daminator, looking like he’s about to die just climbing the ropes, but Roman spears him and pins him at 36:39 and Shane is OUT. Like, scary dead-eyed knocked out. Shane’s head just bounced off that mat and that should have been a sign to never wrestle again. At least he was able to walk out with minimal help.
The Smackdown side beats on Roman and Bray gets a senton for two. Thankfully we now have three heels on one side and two faces on the other, so there’s a clear dynamic. Wait, was Rollins a babyface at this point? Whatever, doesn’t matter. Roman comes back with a clothesline on Wyatt out of the corner and it’s hot tag Rollins. Flying knee on Styles and he hits Wyatt with a dive while the crowd busts out “Roman’s sleeping” and “Wake up Roman”. Rollins with a superplex on Styles into the Falcon Arrow for two, but Orton saves. Roman stops him from doing a draping DDT off the apron (the hardest part of the ring!) and Rollins & Reigns are inspired to go all Shield on him with a powerbomb through the table. Sadly, AJ cuts them off, but Dean Ambrose runs out and beats him up, which gives us the full Shield reunion after security tries to drag him out and Rollins and Reigns save him. And then AJ gets powerbombed through the table and pinned by Rollins at 46:03. Perhaps there might be money in a real Shield reunion a year later? Just a suggestion.
So we’re left with Rollins & Reigns v. Orton & Wyatt, but Luke Harper appears from under the ring for the distraction and then sends Reigns into the post. Rollins hits Wyatt with a sling blade and takes out Harper with a dive. Back in, Bray rolls him up and gets superkicked for his troubles, but Rollins tries a frog splash and lands in an RKO at 49:30. OK, I cackled at that one, I admit. Roman is all alone and the crowd chants “Let’s go Smackdown” to really rub salt in the wound, but Roman hits everyone with superman punches and they all brawl on the floor. Spear for Harper, but Bray pops up with Sister Abigail, and Roman has to fight out and superman punch him again. Roman tries the spear, but Orton shoves Bray out of the way, takes the bullet, and Sister Abigail finishes at 52:50 to give Smackdown the win. I really liked all the little storylines here, all the eliminations made sense and served a purpose, and it got PLENTY of time to tell a story and let everyone work. ****
FANTASY WARFARE: Brock Lesnar v. Goldberg
The video package is insanely long, like almost 10 minutes. Brock goes in for a takedown and Goldberg just stuffs it and shoves him out of the corner, then suddenly hits the spear and finishes with the jackhammer to finish at 1:24. Can you imagine if they had saved that up for Strowman instead?
The Pulse
I’d call it a really good show, but if we had the Coliseum Video edit that eliminated the IC and Cruiserweight matches and cut the show down to a more manageable 2:40, it would have been a GREAT one. As it is, it’s a thumbs up and worthwhile watch, but just too long to really recommend with any enthusiasm.