The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–01.31.94 / 02.07.94
By Scott Keith on 10th November 2017
The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – January 31 1994
– Live from Bushkill, PA.
– Your hosts are Vince & IRS.
– We’re two weeks removed from Royal Rumble 94, and yeah it’s been a while since I’ve done these so hopefully I can get back into the groove again with them.
Marty Jannetty v. Johnny Polo
1-2-3 Kid is at ringside, sporting a mightily broken leg, as this was originally advertised as Kid v. Polo even though they knew damn well that Kid was injured. Polo cuts a funny promo on Marty before the match, and Marty responds by hitting him with the microphone and then tying up his feet with the cord. Now there’s a comedy spot that’s totally lost in these heady days of wireless technology. So simple and yet it gets a huge reaction and Polo can bump around like a clown as a result. Polo tries to run away and gets chased and backdropped on the concrete, and they head back into the ring. Polo tosses him, but Marty comes in with a high cross for two. Superkick gets two. Polo comes back with a cheapshot to put Marty on the floor again, and we take a break. Back with Polo holding a chinlock, and they do a backdrop spot so ugly that even Vince scores off them about how bad it looked. They brawl on the floor a bit and back in for an elbow off the middle from Polo. Johnny GETS JIGGY WITH IT and gets two. Wait, was Will Smith a thing at that point? I think I remember people at work singing that stupid song around that time, but I was much younger and more regularly drunk back then. They collide and Polo hits the floor, and back in Marty gets a sunset flip for two. Polo kicks him in the face and sits on top for two, but Marty reverses for two. Polo inexplicably grabs a side headlock and goes nowhere with it, then goes up for that retarded spot where the heel lands on the babyface’s foot. This match started on a downward trajectory and hasn’t really righted itself yet. Marty makes the half-assed comeback and rams Polo into the turnbuckles, but can’t get a superplex. Polo tries to come off the top, but Marty trips him up and Polo does the Flair bump onto the top rope. Marty misses a blind charge, but finishes with the Rocker dropper at 9:33. I’m not one to accuse anyone of taking illicit substances, but Marty was all but picking the rolled up dollar bill out of his nose during the match. Luckily Polo decided to bump like he was doing a demo of a ragdoll physics engine and somewhat bailed out this trainwreck. **1/4 IRS on commentary rages about how the finishing move should be banned because it’s so dangerous. What is he, Charles Austin’s lawyer? Or is that one too obscure now? Anyway, IRS smacks the Kid around, so Kid steals his briefcase and hobbles back to the dressing room with it.
– We take a break and IRS is pissed, so he goes back to the dressing room to exact his revenge, but uh oh, here’s Razor Ramon, and he reclaims his gold from the magic briefcase.
– Meanwhile, senile President Jack Tunney explains the labyrinthine World title situation for Wrestlemania X. See, if Lex Luger wins the coin toss and finds the immunity idol, and Bret Hart wins the Power of Veto, then Owen Hart might get a rose from Flavor Flav while Crush runs the Wipeout course. I think. It all made much more sense when I was 20, honest.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. Miguel Rosado
Bigelow shoves Rosado around, but misses a charge and allows the jobber to get his minimal comeback. That doesn’t last long, as Bigelow tosses him down with a press slam and drops a series of increasingly angry headbutts. On commentary, IRS throws out a challenge to Marty Jannetty. Vince questions why Marty would want to accept. Because if he has any guts, he will! See how EASY that used to be? And it’s not like this was even a particularly good time for the promotion or anything. Bam Bam finishes at 2:11.
Vince McMahon and his army of kiss-ass sycophants bring out Jack Tunney for the COIN TOSS OF DOOM. Vince makes a big show about Tunney demonstrating that the coin is in fact not rigged, which just makes it all the sillier when Tunney in fact switches to the two-headed coin. Basically heads gives us the scenario we ended up with, and tails would have had Luger facing Crush first. So yeah, Luger wins the coin toss and gets to face Yokozuna first, and we get a nice bit of acting from Bret as he sells the conflicted feelings about facing Owen with just his facial expressions.
KWANG v. Sonny Myers
We’re joined in progress for whatever silly editing reason. Kwang gets a leg lariat in the corner and shoots some red mist (which, as a reminder, gives Ed Leslie new and unpredictable gimmicks if spit at him) and a spinkick gets two. Kwang uses the MARTIAL ARTS~!, and gets a running elbow in the corner, but a hiptoss only gets one before he picks up the jobber. Oh man, after a devastating hiptoss like that why not just put the poor guy out of his misery? The jobber misses a crossbody and Kwang finishes with a superkick (with extra hand-waving for SUPER DUPER MARTIAL ARTS POWER, much like when Hulk Hogan winds up his fist like Popeye for extra torque) at whatever time it would have been if I gave enough of a shit about Kwang to start the stopwatch. I know you’re saying to yourself “How fucking stupid does a gimmick have to be for Caribbean Legend Savio Vega to be an improvement?”, but there you have it.
– Meanwhile, Paul Bearer assures us that Undertaker will return. I bet he’ll go on to do pretty good at Wrestlemanias, as well.
Earthquake v. Corey Student
This is John Tenta’s triumphant return before heading off to WCW later in the year. Quake gets a belly to belly and a body vice, and puts him down with a clothesline for two. Avalanche and Vince notes that “You could say that this guy is getting SQUASHED” Oh man, he’s SHOOTING. I didn’t even get a chance to make a joke about having to change the name of the running splash from “Avalanche” to “Shark”. Powerslam and butt splash finish at 3:18.
– Meanwhile, Marty accepts the challenge of IRS, because HE HATES THE GOVERNMENT, MAN. Yeah, always busting the little guy for carrying a couple of ounces of weed and/or pills in their glove compartment or bags! That shit’s unfair, man! I think we need a new game where we take bets on exactly how high Marty Jannetty was while cutting promos around this time. At least he had positive role models like Razor Ramon and 1-2-3 Kid to keep him from doing anything REALLY stupid.
Next week: IRS v. Marty Jannetty, who apparently became a redneck survivalist sometime during a commercial break and failed to notify anyone. Plus SPARKY PLUGG! And the Smoking Gunns!
The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – February 7 1994
– Taped from Bushkill, PA.
– Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bastion Booger. Mike Shaw is a funny guy, but I don’t see this turning out well.
The Smoking Gunns v. Barry Horowitz & Reno Riggins
This may literally be the greatest tag team match, no, the greatest ANYTHING in the history of the universe. The jobber dream team immediately double-teams Billy in the corner with double Nash chokes, but Bart comes in (illegally) with a high cross on both jobbers. Horowitz accidentally backdrops Riggins and they get into an argument on the floor. Come on, the breakup of the Rockers was hard enough on me, not these two as well! Bart works on Reno with a suplex while Vince notes that the Steiners were unable to defeat the Quebecers in a 10 minute challenge this past week on Superstars, which has essentially put them out of the tag title picture. That’s kind of a burial, no wonder the Steiners left. Gunns finish Riggins with the move that would later be called The Sidewinder at 3:38. Well, Barry and Reno let me down as usual. Someday Barry will win, I’m sure of it.
Meanwhile, on All-American, Owen Hart and Bret Hart cut promos explaining their reasoning behind their upcoming match. Bret’s Stu Hart shirt is quite awesome.
Owen Hart v. John Paul
A great bit of heeldom from Owen, as he finds a kid to ringside who wants the glasses, and then tears them up in front of him. Owen works the arm and gets a backbreaker for two, then cuts off Paul’s comeback with a leg lariat for two. Enzuigiri and Sharpshooter finishes at 3:38.
IRS v. Marty Jannetty
We’ll see if Marty is able to perform better than he did against Polo last week. He gets a pair of sloppy dropkicks and a back elbow that barely gets any hangtime, and IRS bails. Back in, Marty works on a headlock, but IRS takes him down with a drop toehold. They fight to the floor, and Marty takes a nice bump into the post, doing a 180 sell in a way that would make Sir Isaac Newton go “What the FUUUUCK?” Back in, Marty with a sunset flip for two, and the Quebecers join us at ringside as we take a break. They beat the crap out of Marty during the break, which had to be an attempt to set up Quebecers v. Kid & Marty for Wrestlemania. So how did we arrive at Quebecers v. MOM? Back to “live” “action”, as IRS comes off the top and hits Marty’s foot, and Marty gets a small package for two. IRS goes to the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF INTENSE DISCOMFORT, but Marty hiptosses out. Irwin with the chinlock as Vince notes that Marty seems to have superhuman stamina. Yeah, almost as if he’s, I dunno, on a shitload of drugs or something. Marty comes back with a powerslam and a superkick, but now Johnny Polo joins us with his trusty pool cue. As does Razor Ramon, albeit without a weapon. Marty clotheslines IRS for two. And now the Quebecers are back as this is just all kinds of overbooked. Marty ends up on the apron, where Polo trips him up, and IRS gets the pin at 8:56. Razor cleans house, but the Quebecers proceed with the beatdown until Marty saves. So out of all this it’s, I’m guessing, Ramon & Jannetty v. Quebecers for the tag titles next week. Marty was looking really lethargic and shitty at this point and disappeared again soon after. **
– Vince confirms that in two weeks (due to the dog show next week) it’ll be the tag title match.
Thurman Plugg (His Friends Call Him Sparky)v. Duane Gill
Plugg controls with armdrags and a high kick, then slugs Gill off the apron. Back in, dropkick and slam follows as Vince notes that Sparky is an “electric performer”. Someone should send that joke to the Democrats in Connecticut and use it against Linda. Powerslam gets two, and a suplex sets up a flying kneedrop (the “Overhead Cam”, you see) at 3:00. You’d almost have to feel bad for Bob Holly if he didn’t go on to be a huge asshole.
Crush v. A Jobber Named Thornberg
I think that’s what Vince called him. Crush takes him down with an armbar and pounds away as Vine announces Crush v. Savage at Wrestlemania in a falls count anywhere match. Crush with his martial arts kicks and he follows with a military press and legdrop for the pin at 2:34.
In two weeks: The Quebecers v. Marty Jannetty & Razor Ramon for the tag titles! Plus Bret Hart v. A Heavenly Body! We don’t know which one, but you’ve got a 50/50 shot at guessing!