War of the hammerers: the Thor v Almighty Thor face-off

This article is more than 13 years old

Which version of the Norse mythical adventure wins out, Branagh's star-studded epic or The Asylum's cheapo effort?

Kenneth Branagh's Thor might have received some surprisingly positive early reviews, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's worth watching. Branagh might be able to live with Thor not being the best film of the year, but what if it isn't even the best film about Thor this year?

That might just be the case. By complete coincidence – and not, say, because it has a consistent policy of knocking out tawdry low-budget versions of almost every single big new film that's ever released – The Asylum happens to be releasing a film called Almighty Thor next month.

Only one of these Thor films can reign supreme, but which? It's time for a head-to-head trailer face-off ...

Best Asgard

Thor

An otherworldly, shimmering citadel, surrounded by thousands of monuments to the uncontested might of the Norse gods, in a land where the weather is always perfect.

Almighty Thor

A sort of run-down 16-bit depiction of a minor National Trust property. In a pond. In a land where the weather is always controlled by the Microsoft Paint airbrush tool and the colour beige.

Winner: Clearly, Almighty Thor comes out on top here. Shimmering citadels are all well and good, but this isn't an episode of Cribs, you know.

Best Loki

Thor

It's Tom Hiddleston, most famous for playing Martinsson alongside Kenneth Branagh in the critically acclaimed Wallander remake.

Almighty Thor

It's Richard Grieco, most famous for the terrible film from 20 years ago where he played a teenage superspy who could disable his enemies by shooting steam out of his nipples.

Winner: Almighty Thor again. Which would you rather have – a baddie with quietly impressive acting credentials, or a baddie who can shoot steam out of his own nipples?

Exactly.

Best giant monster

Thor

This looks like it could be Fafnir, a super-intelligent Norse dragon, as big as a building, armed with remarkable strength and ferocity. As you can see from this image, the power and fury in its roar alone would be enough to strike terror deep in the heart of any opponent.

Almighty Thor

A couple of lizards, slightly bigger than a van, who go around peering through apartment windows and barking at the sky.

Winner: Almighty Thor yet again. Although Fafnir's size and strength will obviously work in his favour, at least he doesn't peer through anybody's windows. Casual voyeurism is not a joke.

Best sequence of Thor landing on Earth

Thor

An elegant, heavenly sequence that captures the raw power and beauty of nature while invoking memories of the effects that Kubrick employed for the Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite portion of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Almighty Thor

An orange stripe and some dodgy-looking lightning bolts that invoke memories of the bit from the start of The Terminator that really hasn't aged very well at all. Oh, and a motorway bridge.

Winner: Almighty Thor snatches it again. Kubrick? Elegance? This is a summer blockbuster we're talking about here, you dummy. It's supposed to be rubbish.

Best weapon

Thor

Mjöllnir, the legendary mountain-destroying hammer made by dwarves Sindri and Brokkr. Perhaps the most formidable weapon in Norse mythology, it will never break, never miss its target and always return to Thor's hand. It's hard to conceive that Almighty Thor will feature a more potent symbol of godly destruction.

Almighty Thor