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How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives
The cats of America are under siege!
Long gone are the good old days when a cat’s biggest worries were mean dogs or a bath. Modern cats must confront satanists, online predators, the possibility of needing to survive in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and countless other threats to their nine lives.
For over four decades, the American Association of Patriots have stood at the vanguard of our country's defense by helping to prepare our nation's cat owners for the difficult conversations they dread having with their pets. Written in a simple Q&A format, How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety answers crucial questions such as, “What is the right age to talk to my cat about the proper use of firearms?” and “What are the benefits of my cat living a lifestyle of abstinence?” and especially “Why does my cat need to use the internet? Can’t he just play with yarn like cats used to do?”
Our country—and our cats—stand at a precipice. It will take courage, and it will take hard work, but armed with the knowledge within these pages, we can make our cats—and America—great again!
Long gone are the good old days when a cat’s biggest worries were mean dogs or a bath. Modern cats must confront satanists, online predators, the possibility of needing to survive in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and countless other threats to their nine lives.
For over four decades, the American Association of Patriots have stood at the vanguard of our country's defense by helping to prepare our nation's cat owners for the difficult conversations they dread having with their pets. Written in a simple Q&A format, How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety answers crucial questions such as, “What is the right age to talk to my cat about the proper use of firearms?” and “What are the benefits of my cat living a lifestyle of abstinence?” and especially “Why does my cat need to use the internet? Can’t he just play with yarn like cats used to do?”
Our country—and our cats—stand at a precipice. It will take courage, and it will take hard work, but armed with the knowledge within these pages, we can make our cats—and America—great again!
144 pages, Paperback
Published October 4, 2016
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March 31, 2019
…if there is one hard-and-fast rule on this topic, it's this: under no circumstances should you provide your cat with a gun equipped with a laser scope, as your cat is likely to be more interested in the dot it makes than in the deer, burglar, or communist in their sights.
i wanted to love this SO BADLY! i saw the first part of this collection in zine-form at quimby's in chicago,
but i was already buying too many books on that trip, so i regretfully left without it. when i saw this on netgalley, i thought, "book angels DO exist!!" and clicked it immediately. i'm not sure if all the chapters in this book were published individually, but i found at least two of them available separately:
and maybe that's a better way to appreciate them, instead of reading them all back-to-back like this, because, like dave foley, BOY, did it get old fast. it's a collection of parodies of those ultra-conservative pamphlets, warning cat-parents about the issues their cats will face in their day-to-day lives, topics such as gun safety, evolution, abstinence, online safety, drugs, puberty, post-apocalyptic survival, and satanism.
the rhetoric is spot-on: Citizens who cannot handle a gun safely are as irresponsible and useless as citizens who do not own a gun at all. Americans and their homes are under attack. It is impurrative that, in order to ensure the future security of our country, every man, woman, child, and cat be able to defend our nation against the enemies of democracy.
oh, and that's another thing - there will be puns. so many italicized puns. "now" becomes "meow," "paws" becomes "pawse," "moment" becomes "meowment," there's "pawsitively," "catastrophe," "purrfect," "procatstinate," "prepawsterous" (or, alternately, "purrposterous)," "furget," "mewlitias," "purrtriot," "amewsing," "furocious," "purroblem," "purrpared," "mispurrception," "purrtect," "purrecipice, "furment," "furget," "purrvent," "mewraculous," "purrspective," "furminist," etc etc etc etc
it's truly punishing. and yet, they miss a few opportunities, which is just as jarring to a reader as encountering all the italics in the first place. you come across "repercussions," and you find yourself backwards-copyediting it into "repurrcussions," and it really messes with your mind.
the book is structured as a Q and A, covering all the important touchpoints:
Wait, does that mean that I shouldn't allow my cat to use a gun while hunting?
No, of course your cat should have access to all the weaponry our Founding Fathers risked their lives to guarantee us, whether it be a simple Beretta 9mm or a fully automatic AK-47. However, if your cat is going to use a firearm for hunting, it is important to make sure that they are properly licensed, that they do not fire the gun within five hundred feet of a residential neighborhood, and that they understand the importance of wearing a highly visible orange hunting vest. Furthermore, since cats are color blind, it is advisable that you mark the vest in some way so your cat will be able to tell it apart from any other non-orange vests they own of a similar cut.
i enjoyed the first chapter, which is the one about gun safety, but the book taken as a whole was like being hammered over the head relentlessly by the same joke, diminishing my enjoyment. i even took a few days off in between chapters to reset myself, once it became clear that it was going to be the same tone, the same puns, without nuance or deviation.
it's not terrible, just a little samey, and cat photos can redeem most books:
the evolution (or rather, evilution) chapter was a little weak. the presentation of the gun safety one was pretty spot-on in terms of arguments actual gun enthusiasts use to make their points, but this one was a little more tinfoil hat in its delivery, so it was less amewsing as parody (see how contagious these puns are?):
Most of the people you encounter who advocate for the lie of evolution are nothing more than brainwashed sheep, blindly parroting the lies spoon-fed to them by Hollywood Jews and an unholy coalition comprised of elements from the United Nations, European Union, the Rothschild family, and the Bilderberg group. It is a cabal of some of the wealthiest and most powerful men in the world. They recognize no God but themselves. They prefer birds or fish as pets, and therefore hate cats.They view America as their enemy. They seek world domination, and see our democratic union as a shining beacon of hope to those who might resist their tyranny. It is they who would undermine the Christian faith that is the backbone of America, who would weaken us with gun control legislation, who promote the declawing of cats as acceptable, and who would cull our numbers through Obamacare's mandates for forced abortions on white citizens.
this is more like a transcript of a crazy subway preacher than a parody of conservative propaganda. although i appreciate the warning about the "deceitful tweets of birds."
captioned: Above is a depiction of the inevitable nightmare that awaits our great nation should we fail to teach our cats about evolution and creationism.
and there's some pretty convincing logic here:
Cats and Fossils
Evolutionists try to claim that the fossil record proves how old something is, and that the deeper we dig, the more basic life-forms become. They will tell your cat that because feline fossils are found in the upper layers of rock, this means that they evolved only recently. However, there is a simple explanation for this that is completely compatible with both the story of creation and Noah's flood. Cats hate to get wet, so it stands to reason that when it started raining leading up to the flood, cats sought to escape the rising waters. They probably ran away to higher elevations, and then to the tops of trees. In this way, "simple" life-forms that can't run away, like grass and protozoa, would have been the first to drown, and therefore be buried in the deepest layers, while all the cats hiding in trees would have been some of the last animals to succumb to the floodwaters and become fossilized. And if your kitty needs any further proof, this explains why cats today have such an affinity for climbing trees!
the abstinence chapter is where it really started to go off the rails for me. while it is mildly amusing to see pbs (the Purrnographic Broadcasting Station) nature specials featuring animals during mating season called out as "smut," and cautions such as Your cat may act distracted or sleepy, or may even leave the room when you bring up the subject of sex…It is common for cats to feign disinterest in an attempt to cut a conversation short, or even to pretend that they are unable to understand English. You must not give in to these tricks!, the rest of it - the idea of cats saving themselves for marriage, the image of cats taking the pill or wrestling, opposable thumblessly, with condom wrappers (which proves, of course, that god doesn't want cats to use birth control), the sins of spaying and neutering, the dangers of cats wearing flashy collars, inviting sexual attention, just weren't working for me on a humor-level. although the idea of kitty hell being a fiery waste where they will be tormented by barking dogs, bottomless squirt bottles, and pieces of tape stuck to the pads of their feet was worth a giggle.
the internet one is pretty straightforward - warnings against cybercriminals and identity theft, online gaming, driving while texting, pornography, cyberbullying by one of the evil, traitorous birds who spy on America for their European overlords…. it's not particularly imaginative. however, there is one part worth calling out:
Why are so many cats posting pictures of themselves on the Internet? Should I be worried about my cat doing this?
onto drugs. kitties, just say "no" to catnip! observe this horrifying before-and-after photograph:
here are some warning signs that your cat may be abusing catnip:
-Does your cat act as if they can hear noises that aren't really there?
-Are they running around the house for no reason?
-Do they meow loudly at strange hours?
-Does it seem as if they're sleeping a lot?
-Are they being secretive or suspicious?
-Are they frequently irritable or violent?
dude, my cat must be SO HIGH!
but it's a real problem, as we learn …accidents involving intoxicated cats were the seventy-eighth leading cause of motor vehicle fatality in 2013, skyrocketing up from eighty-first in 2012.
it's food for thought.
the puberty segment covers bullying, body changes, masturbation, sexting, kitty porn, video games, homewsexuality, etc. where we learn that
Going into heat is the cat version of getting a period; essentially, it's how God punishes girl cats for Eve's sin in the Garden of Eden. Just like a human woman, cats in heat will behave in erratic or irrational ways as their brain becomes addled with female hormones.
i will most assuredly be speaking to maggie later about the "devil-inspired madness within her."
as far as masturbation goes, Some cats excel and redirect their sexual energies toward Jesus and being good, hardworking citizens, whereas others fail and want nothing more in life than to bat at their genitals as if they were a ball of yarn.
which proves that cats do not know how to masturbate at all and should probably be given lessons in how to do it right, because that just sounds painful.
and what would conservative propaganda be without a little lesson in tolerance?: If your cat tells you they're gay, or even if you suspect they are, it's important to let your cat know you love them - no matter what - even if Jesus won't because of their horrible sins.
the last two chapters, on post-apocalyptic survival and satanism, are pure crazytown and feel discordant from the previous topics.
the post-apocalyptic survival one kind of addresses this disconnect:
Teaching my cat these skills seems like a waste of time. Are we really in danger of witnessing the collapse of civilization?
Most undoubtedly yes. History has reached a tipping point. Our great nation has been gravely weakened from eight years under the reign of an Islamo-socialist führer who seeks to poison us with chemtrails. The global financial system teeters on the brink of ruin, pushed to the edge by the greed of the Reptilian overlords of Europe. Meanwhile, the climate machines of the Illuminati, operating out of a massive underground complex beneath the Denver airport, have set our planet on course toward irrevocable ruin.
again - more paranoid prepper in tone than a garden-variety right-wing rant.
although i do appreciate the continuation of the "birds are evil" theme, because they're just awful.
Don't be afraid to expose your cat to the worst the world has to offer, including those agents of our enemies - birds. Educate your cat now about how horrible birds are; otherwise, later you risk birds' teaching your cat a lesson of their own…a lesson in murder.
and there's good, practical advice to be extracted: Instead of presenting your cat with a toy mouse to play with, have your cat bat around the iodine tablets he'll use to purify tainted water. Rather than having your kitten chase around a laser pointer, teach her how to hotwire an abandoned car.
and finally...satanism. basically, satan is everywhere, in every form of entertainment, lurking around every corner.
worth noting:
Wicca is merely watered-down Satanism, luring foolish young women with liberal arts degrees into lesbian covens where they worship a goddess and their menses…Overwhelmingly, Wiccans are angry, lonely feminist spinsters, and therefore likely to own lots of cats - cats they indoctrinate with their heathen propurrganda.
here's another handy checklist of warning signs, this time to determine if your cat has become involved in the occult:
-Has your cat started keeping odd hours? Perhaps they sleep all day and are awake all night? If so, watch out! Nighttime is the Devil's time!
-Have you noticed a recent change in your cat's eating habits? Many kitties who have become ensnared in the occult will avoid foods they previously enjoyed and instead demand to be fed meat from animals killed by a silver knife in a moonless night,
-Does your cat seem uninterested or actively reluctant to attend church?
-Does your cat seem unusually angry? Do they nip at your hand when you try to rub their belly, squirm to get out of your arms when you hold them like a baby, or seem resentful when you dress them in adorable outfits?
cats are also routinely possessed by demons, but it's hard to pinpoint the presence of a supernatural invader:
At the end of the day, all you can really do is look deep into your cat's eyes and ask yourself if the twinkle within is from the light of Jesus or the fires of Hell.
i'm pretty sure i know what maggie's twinkle is all about, and it does not bode well for me.
so, there are some chuckles to be had here, but i recommend reading this in chunks rather than in one sitting or it's all gonna blur into paste.
* NOT, oddly enough, purrverts.
come to my blog!
i wanted to love this SO BADLY! i saw the first part of this collection in zine-form at quimby's in chicago,
but i was already buying too many books on that trip, so i regretfully left without it. when i saw this on netgalley, i thought, "book angels DO exist!!" and clicked it immediately. i'm not sure if all the chapters in this book were published individually, but i found at least two of them available separately:
and maybe that's a better way to appreciate them, instead of reading them all back-to-back like this, because, like dave foley, BOY, did it get old fast. it's a collection of parodies of those ultra-conservative pamphlets, warning cat-parents about the issues their cats will face in their day-to-day lives, topics such as gun safety, evolution, abstinence, online safety, drugs, puberty, post-apocalyptic survival, and satanism.
the rhetoric is spot-on: Citizens who cannot handle a gun safely are as irresponsible and useless as citizens who do not own a gun at all. Americans and their homes are under attack. It is impurrative that, in order to ensure the future security of our country, every man, woman, child, and cat be able to defend our nation against the enemies of democracy.
oh, and that's another thing - there will be puns. so many italicized puns. "now" becomes "meow," "paws" becomes "pawse," "moment" becomes "meowment," there's "pawsitively," "catastrophe," "purrfect," "procatstinate," "prepawsterous" (or, alternately, "purrposterous)," "furget," "mewlitias," "purrtriot," "amewsing," "furocious," "purroblem," "purrpared," "mispurrception," "purrtect," "purrecipice, "furment," "furget," "purrvent," "mewraculous," "purrspective," "furminist," etc etc etc etc
it's truly punishing. and yet, they miss a few opportunities, which is just as jarring to a reader as encountering all the italics in the first place. you come across "repercussions," and you find yourself backwards-copyediting it into "repurrcussions," and it really messes with your mind.
the book is structured as a Q and A, covering all the important touchpoints:
Wait, does that mean that I shouldn't allow my cat to use a gun while hunting?
No, of course your cat should have access to all the weaponry our Founding Fathers risked their lives to guarantee us, whether it be a simple Beretta 9mm or a fully automatic AK-47. However, if your cat is going to use a firearm for hunting, it is important to make sure that they are properly licensed, that they do not fire the gun within five hundred feet of a residential neighborhood, and that they understand the importance of wearing a highly visible orange hunting vest. Furthermore, since cats are color blind, it is advisable that you mark the vest in some way so your cat will be able to tell it apart from any other non-orange vests they own of a similar cut.
i enjoyed the first chapter, which is the one about gun safety, but the book taken as a whole was like being hammered over the head relentlessly by the same joke, diminishing my enjoyment. i even took a few days off in between chapters to reset myself, once it became clear that it was going to be the same tone, the same puns, without nuance or deviation.
it's not terrible, just a little samey, and cat photos can redeem most books:
the evolution (or rather, evilution) chapter was a little weak. the presentation of the gun safety one was pretty spot-on in terms of arguments actual gun enthusiasts use to make their points, but this one was a little more tinfoil hat in its delivery, so it was less amewsing as parody (see how contagious these puns are?):
Most of the people you encounter who advocate for the lie of evolution are nothing more than brainwashed sheep, blindly parroting the lies spoon-fed to them by Hollywood Jews and an unholy coalition comprised of elements from the United Nations, European Union, the Rothschild family, and the Bilderberg group. It is a cabal of some of the wealthiest and most powerful men in the world. They recognize no God but themselves. They prefer birds or fish as pets, and therefore hate cats.They view America as their enemy. They seek world domination, and see our democratic union as a shining beacon of hope to those who might resist their tyranny. It is they who would undermine the Christian faith that is the backbone of America, who would weaken us with gun control legislation, who promote the declawing of cats as acceptable, and who would cull our numbers through Obamacare's mandates for forced abortions on white citizens.
this is more like a transcript of a crazy subway preacher than a parody of conservative propaganda. although i appreciate the warning about the "deceitful tweets of birds."
captioned: Above is a depiction of the inevitable nightmare that awaits our great nation should we fail to teach our cats about evolution and creationism.
and there's some pretty convincing logic here:
Cats and Fossils
Evolutionists try to claim that the fossil record proves how old something is, and that the deeper we dig, the more basic life-forms become. They will tell your cat that because feline fossils are found in the upper layers of rock, this means that they evolved only recently. However, there is a simple explanation for this that is completely compatible with both the story of creation and Noah's flood. Cats hate to get wet, so it stands to reason that when it started raining leading up to the flood, cats sought to escape the rising waters. They probably ran away to higher elevations, and then to the tops of trees. In this way, "simple" life-forms that can't run away, like grass and protozoa, would have been the first to drown, and therefore be buried in the deepest layers, while all the cats hiding in trees would have been some of the last animals to succumb to the floodwaters and become fossilized. And if your kitty needs any further proof, this explains why cats today have such an affinity for climbing trees!
the abstinence chapter is where it really started to go off the rails for me. while it is mildly amusing to see pbs (the Purrnographic Broadcasting Station) nature specials featuring animals during mating season called out as "smut," and cautions such as Your cat may act distracted or sleepy, or may even leave the room when you bring up the subject of sex…It is common for cats to feign disinterest in an attempt to cut a conversation short, or even to pretend that they are unable to understand English. You must not give in to these tricks!, the rest of it - the idea of cats saving themselves for marriage, the image of cats taking the pill or wrestling, opposable thumblessly, with condom wrappers (which proves, of course, that god doesn't want cats to use birth control), the sins of spaying and neutering, the dangers of cats wearing flashy collars, inviting sexual attention, just weren't working for me on a humor-level. although the idea of kitty hell being a fiery waste where they will be tormented by barking dogs, bottomless squirt bottles, and pieces of tape stuck to the pads of their feet was worth a giggle.
the internet one is pretty straightforward - warnings against cybercriminals and identity theft, online gaming, driving while texting, pornography, cyberbullying by one of the evil, traitorous birds who spy on America for their European overlords…. it's not particularly imaginative. however, there is one part worth calling out:
Why are so many cats posting pictures of themselves on the Internet? Should I be worried about my cat doing this?
The phenomenon of cats taking pictures of themselves, or "selfurries," has become one of the most popular activities for cats to engage in online. To their owners, such behavior may seem silly, self-indulgent, or even vain. But selfurries are not necessarily a bad thing! Eating disorders and body dismorfurrya are at record levels, largely due to our cats being exposed from kittenhood to unrealistic standards of cuteness in the media. From the centerfolds in Cat Fancy to the stars of cat food commercials, modern kittens are inundated with images of feline beauty that are almost impossible to achieve. The taking and sharing of selfurries can act as a way for your cat to bolster their self-esteem, get support from their friends, and foster a healthy cattitude about their appearance!
However this doesn't mean selfurries aren't without risk! You should speak with your cat about exercising caution with regard to the pictures they take and with whom they share them. Over 60 percent of kittens reported feeling pressure to take risque, or even naked, photos of themselves on at least one occasion. Even if your cat trusts that the cat they're sending their selfurries to won't share them, what about the cat's friends? What if a bird swooped down and stole the cat's phone while they weren't looking? There are countless Web sites on the Internet featuring cats whose innocent selfurries have been collected by sex perverts* for their own titillation. And once a picture has been shared on the Internet, it cannot be removed. The best rule of thumb is to teach your cat never to take a photo they wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with the whole world.
onto drugs. kitties, just say "no" to catnip! observe this horrifying before-and-after photograph:
here are some warning signs that your cat may be abusing catnip:
-Does your cat act as if they can hear noises that aren't really there?
-Are they running around the house for no reason?
-Do they meow loudly at strange hours?
-Does it seem as if they're sleeping a lot?
-Are they being secretive or suspicious?
-Are they frequently irritable or violent?
dude, my cat must be SO HIGH!
but it's a real problem, as we learn …accidents involving intoxicated cats were the seventy-eighth leading cause of motor vehicle fatality in 2013, skyrocketing up from eighty-first in 2012.
it's food for thought.
the puberty segment covers bullying, body changes, masturbation, sexting, kitty porn, video games, homewsexuality, etc. where we learn that
Going into heat is the cat version of getting a period; essentially, it's how God punishes girl cats for Eve's sin in the Garden of Eden. Just like a human woman, cats in heat will behave in erratic or irrational ways as their brain becomes addled with female hormones.
i will most assuredly be speaking to maggie later about the "devil-inspired madness within her."
as far as masturbation goes, Some cats excel and redirect their sexual energies toward Jesus and being good, hardworking citizens, whereas others fail and want nothing more in life than to bat at their genitals as if they were a ball of yarn.
which proves that cats do not know how to masturbate at all and should probably be given lessons in how to do it right, because that just sounds painful.
and what would conservative propaganda be without a little lesson in tolerance?: If your cat tells you they're gay, or even if you suspect they are, it's important to let your cat know you love them - no matter what - even if Jesus won't because of their horrible sins.
the last two chapters, on post-apocalyptic survival and satanism, are pure crazytown and feel discordant from the previous topics.
the post-apocalyptic survival one kind of addresses this disconnect:
Teaching my cat these skills seems like a waste of time. Are we really in danger of witnessing the collapse of civilization?
Most undoubtedly yes. History has reached a tipping point. Our great nation has been gravely weakened from eight years under the reign of an Islamo-socialist führer who seeks to poison us with chemtrails. The global financial system teeters on the brink of ruin, pushed to the edge by the greed of the Reptilian overlords of Europe. Meanwhile, the climate machines of the Illuminati, operating out of a massive underground complex beneath the Denver airport, have set our planet on course toward irrevocable ruin.
again - more paranoid prepper in tone than a garden-variety right-wing rant.
although i do appreciate the continuation of the "birds are evil" theme, because they're just awful.
Don't be afraid to expose your cat to the worst the world has to offer, including those agents of our enemies - birds. Educate your cat now about how horrible birds are; otherwise, later you risk birds' teaching your cat a lesson of their own…a lesson in murder.
and there's good, practical advice to be extracted: Instead of presenting your cat with a toy mouse to play with, have your cat bat around the iodine tablets he'll use to purify tainted water. Rather than having your kitten chase around a laser pointer, teach her how to hotwire an abandoned car.
and finally...satanism. basically, satan is everywhere, in every form of entertainment, lurking around every corner.
worth noting:
Wicca is merely watered-down Satanism, luring foolish young women with liberal arts degrees into lesbian covens where they worship a goddess and their menses…Overwhelmingly, Wiccans are angry, lonely feminist spinsters, and therefore likely to own lots of cats - cats they indoctrinate with their heathen propurrganda.
here's another handy checklist of warning signs, this time to determine if your cat has become involved in the occult:
-Has your cat started keeping odd hours? Perhaps they sleep all day and are awake all night? If so, watch out! Nighttime is the Devil's time!
-Have you noticed a recent change in your cat's eating habits? Many kitties who have become ensnared in the occult will avoid foods they previously enjoyed and instead demand to be fed meat from animals killed by a silver knife in a moonless night,
-Does your cat seem uninterested or actively reluctant to attend church?
-Does your cat seem unusually angry? Do they nip at your hand when you try to rub their belly, squirm to get out of your arms when you hold them like a baby, or seem resentful when you dress them in adorable outfits?
cats are also routinely possessed by demons, but it's hard to pinpoint the presence of a supernatural invader:
At the end of the day, all you can really do is look deep into your cat's eyes and ask yourself if the twinkle within is from the light of Jesus or the fires of Hell.
i'm pretty sure i know what maggie's twinkle is all about, and it does not bode well for me.
so, there are some chuckles to be had here, but i recommend reading this in chunks rather than in one sitting or it's all gonna blur into paste.
* NOT, oddly enough, purrverts.
come to my blog!
July 11, 2022
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My sister gave me this book as a present and it looked really cute. I thought it was going to be like the Tea Consent video, only with cats and guns. But this wasn't that. Apparently, this is satire, but if something becomes so satirical that people actually take it as face value, is it even good satire? There's a Reddit thread called r/AteTheOnion dedicated to making fun of people who didn't realize The Onion was satire and fell for their gleeful parody articles-- but my parents and I were just having a discussion about how The Onion doesn't really work as well as it used to now that the news is just so insane. Like, I just did a quick search using some keywords and turned up ACTUAL ARTICLES with the following headlines: "Marjorie Taylor Greene Addresses ‘Gazpacho Police’ Gaffe, Makes The Mockery Worse." And, even more recently: "Pregnant Texas woman says unborn baby should count as car passenger after receiving HOV ticket." The United States's political system is literally like some sort of bizarro system of how political systems actually ought to work and for the past ten years, our news is so bad that it sounds like satire.
HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CAT ABOUT GUN SAFETY manages to channel the survivalist, gun-hoarding, Alex Jones-watching mentality of people who would actually probably try to train their pets to shoot weapons. I didn't even think people like this existed outside of the internet until I was out running errands in the central valley and I saw a man wearing an oregone pyramid on top of a MAGA hat, with an Info Wars shirt, and what appeared to be a necrotic left toe. And then I was like holy shit. He was even holding his phone in one of those EMF protection bags. I guess in case the CNN satellites that are definitely targeting him decide to count the number of hate crimes in his web history, idk.
Anyway, my point is, for a book that is allegedly satire, it comes a little too close to the truth. I read this and immediately was like, "Who is this for??" Because honestly, it feels like the only people who will actually like this book are the people it's ostensibly making fun of, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's like being so ironic about Rebecca Black that you end up buying tickets to all of her concerts and becoming webmaster of her largest fansite. At that point, are you still an ironic hater? Or do you just stan Rebecca Black?
1 star
January 31, 2024
This was a present from my 16 year old nephew as a good laugh, and that it certainly provides. It was almost TOO extra in how far they reached, but there definitely were bits of truth thrown in, like about the elite cabal, satanism in our culture, and weather manipulation. It was a fun, quick read.
May 11, 2016
Glitter covered hate is still hate. I knew this was going to be conservative but I was not expecting raging racist red neck levels of red. I'll hit you with just a few samples:
- propaganda and scare tactics of the liberal, Jew-run media that Americans second-guess the wisdom of having guns in their households—scare tactics that undoubtedly serve their greater agenda to overthrow the rightful leadership of the United States, and the subsequent imposition of a European-based one-world government.
- Your cat needs not only to accept that God created the Earth and the United States of America, they also need to understand the insidious nature of the lies Darwin spawned in an attempt to destroy our country.
- who would cull our numbers through Obamacare’s mandates for forced abortions on white citizens.
- Just as legalizing homosexuality is a slippery slope that will inevitably lead to people wanting to marry children and horses, legalizing marijuana can have only similarly disastrous repercussions.
- Millions of cats have read and loved the Furry Purrter books about an orphaned kitten with magical powers. Librarians and teachers have praised the book series for finally getting cats interested in reading … but at what cost? If young cats want to read about fantastic mewracles, they should be turning to the Bible, not devil-inspired fantasy trash!
I could go on but why spread the hate? One small counterpoint to this alleged Christian bullshit on evolution - the Pope believes in evolution. Even Pat Riley believes in evolution. I wish people claimed their little faction of Christianity before spouting their craziness. Makes me sympathized with your regular everyday Muslim just going to work and living a life where jihad is just a word in an old book they are fond of. We all have that crazy cousin.
- propaganda and scare tactics of the liberal, Jew-run media that Americans second-guess the wisdom of having guns in their households—scare tactics that undoubtedly serve their greater agenda to overthrow the rightful leadership of the United States, and the subsequent imposition of a European-based one-world government.
- Your cat needs not only to accept that God created the Earth and the United States of America, they also need to understand the insidious nature of the lies Darwin spawned in an attempt to destroy our country.
- who would cull our numbers through Obamacare’s mandates for forced abortions on white citizens.
- Just as legalizing homosexuality is a slippery slope that will inevitably lead to people wanting to marry children and horses, legalizing marijuana can have only similarly disastrous repercussions.
- Millions of cats have read and loved the Furry Purrter books about an orphaned kitten with magical powers. Librarians and teachers have praised the book series for finally getting cats interested in reading … but at what cost? If young cats want to read about fantastic mewracles, they should be turning to the Bible, not devil-inspired fantasy trash!
I could go on but why spread the hate? One small counterpoint to this alleged Christian bullshit on evolution - the Pope believes in evolution. Even Pat Riley believes in evolution. I wish people claimed their little faction of Christianity before spouting their craziness. Makes me sympathized with your regular everyday Muslim just going to work and living a life where jihad is just a word in an old book they are fond of. We all have that crazy cousin.
March 28, 2018
I gifted this to my parents who are uncomfortably far right. Their reaction to the contents when they realized their politics were being criticized and mocked made this instantly 5 Stars. I have a copy for myself too, as a simple reminder of their reaction on Christmas morning. If you too have conservative- nay terrifyingly alt-right parents- and would like to get a hoot out of being called a “liberal snowflake” I HIGKY recommend.
November 23, 2020
This should be a 3.5 — after all several parts did have me literally laughing out loud...but toward the end, the redundancy was a little painful. Probably the best thing about this book was reading the goodreads reviews from people who could simply NOT grasp the concept that this was satire. I’m scratching my head wondering WHO the hell ARE these people? So...do yourself a favor and read those.
June 2, 2021
Incredibly informative. Auburn has written a masterpiece - this book has been incredibly enlightening and has shown me how sinful my cat was - he was clearly part of a Satanic cult who did not abstain enough, and shot his gun to the sky, not to the ground, when warning the dogs. I wish I had read this earlier, as God has most likely sent him to hell for all his sins. I recommend you get this ASAP to make sure your cat is not a sinful infidel!
April 16, 2023
I think to get the greatest enjoyment out of this you must read it in small doses over the course of a few weeks. This is certainly not a book to be sped through. A pure work of satire and knowing this when you begin will help you understand the absurdity of it all. Enjoy it for what it is, a huge joke.
August 26, 2017
'How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety' by Zachary Auburn is a parody title. It skewers certain right wing ways of thinking about a variety of subjects.
The book is a series of pamphlets from the fictional American Association of Patriots. There are talks about gun safety, evolutions, abstinence, online safety, drugs, puberty, postapocalyptic survival, and, of course, satanism. Each issues dire warnings, and a seemingly endless use of cat puns for your amewsment (sorry, I couldn't resist). There are also photoshopped pictures of cats holding guns or participating in satanic rituals.
Of course, cats don't use guns, but that makes them perfect substitutes for children, I suppose. The main problem with the book is that the material runs a little thin after a while, and the parodies just aren't all that funny. It might have been best as just the first pamphlet alone, but that would have made for a very short book.
I received a review copy of this ebook from Crown Publishing, Three Rivers Press, and NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you for allowing me to review this ebook.
The book is a series of pamphlets from the fictional American Association of Patriots. There are talks about gun safety, evolutions, abstinence, online safety, drugs, puberty, postapocalyptic survival, and, of course, satanism. Each issues dire warnings, and a seemingly endless use of cat puns for your amewsment (sorry, I couldn't resist). There are also photoshopped pictures of cats holding guns or participating in satanic rituals.
Of course, cats don't use guns, but that makes them perfect substitutes for children, I suppose. The main problem with the book is that the material runs a little thin after a while, and the parodies just aren't all that funny. It might have been best as just the first pamphlet alone, but that would have made for a very short book.
I received a review copy of this ebook from Crown Publishing, Three Rivers Press, and NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you for allowing me to review this ebook.
January 22, 2018
Alas, I wanted to like this more than I did — it was pretty funny in small doses but is pretty terrible as a whole. The satire is a little too close to the actual thing its sending up, and it made me a bit uncomfortable at times. The arguments against abortion and climate change that were only barely relevant to cats. I dunno. Definitely fun to read a bit here and there, and a great thing to have on your bookshelf to start conversations.
July 16, 2020
This had me laughing the whole time!
June 12, 2016
Don't be fooled. This isn't funny. This is important stuff.
Just because cats are natural hunters, that doesn't mean they automatically know about gun safety.
Just imagine the negative images they get on TV. Watching Tom and Jerry or Sylvester the Cat from Looney Tunes could give them the idea that guns are toys. They. Are. Not!
Read this book and help them to understand the importance of gun safety.
But this book collects several pamphlets from The American Association of Patriots and you won’t be disappointed with the info that can be gleaned from this book.
On talking to your cat about evolution:
It also talks about the dangers of adopting from that hotbed of leftist propaganda, the Humane Society; a cat from there will likely try to corrupt your other cats with evolutionist lies.
On talking to your cat about puberty and homosexuality:
On talking to your cat about on-line dangers (and purrnography isn’t the only danger lurking there):
But there’s also a whole pamphlet dedicated to Satanism. This is a real danger to your feline friend(s). One important note:
There are several other pamphlets contained in this one, including talking to your cat about Abstinence, and about Postapocalyptic Survival.
One great thing, though – is that this organization has printed several other pamphlets. A review at the back reveals some other great publications outlining things that you really need to talk to your cat about:
Biblical Literalism
Divorce
Gamergate
Georgia O’Keefe
Global Warming
Hippies
Immigration
Miscegination
Post-Modern Architecture
Secret Minecraft Techniques
Social Justice Warriors
States Rights
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!!
So if you don’t want your cat to turn into some kind of pinko liberal, you need to read this book, and GO TALK TO YOUR CAT!
Thanks to NetGalley and Crown Publishing for a copy in return for an honest review.
Just because cats are natural hunters, that doesn't mean they automatically know about gun safety.
Just imagine the negative images they get on TV. Watching Tom and Jerry or Sylvester the Cat from Looney Tunes could give them the idea that guns are toys. They. Are. Not!
Read this book and help them to understand the importance of gun safety.
But this book collects several pamphlets from The American Association of Patriots and you won’t be disappointed with the info that can be gleaned from this book.
On talking to your cat about evolution:
“The Bible states that God created each animal “according to its kind.” This means that it is entirely possible for two cats to mate and produce a new kind of cat. It is, after all, still a cat. Evolutionists, on the other hand, take this many steps further. They claim that most of our modern-day animals evolved from monkeys: that at some point in the past two monkeys mated and a kitten was the result. These are the big evolutions our enemies claim created the world we see today. Dinosaurs giving birth to bears, sea urchins giving birth to penguins, ducks giving birth to snakes, and other ridiculous scenarios, the very idea of which is an abomination to our Lord.”
It also talks about the dangers of adopting from that hotbed of leftist propaganda, the Humane Society; a cat from there will likely try to corrupt your other cats with evolutionist lies.
On talking to your cat about puberty and homosexuality:
“If your cat tells you they’re gay, or even if you just suspect they are, it’s important to let your cat know you love them—no matter what—even if Jesus won’t because of their horrible sins.”
On talking to your cat about on-line dangers (and purrnography isn’t the only danger lurking there):
“While the sheer volume of cats ensnared by games such as this one is a testament to how addictive online games can be, the greatest danger is not the possibility of addiction, or even the threat posed by the many sexual predators who use the games to meet unsuspecting kittens. No, the danger is that these games frequently have strong elements of fantasy and magic, which are used to indoctrinate innocent cats to the teachings of Satanism! We have seen reports that players in World of Warcat can cast spells, summon demons, and participate in virtual orgies with goat-legged satyrs. Let your cat play these games at their peril: once your cat begins using magic to invoke foul abyssal beings online, it is only a matter of time before they’ll be doing the same in real life!”
But there’s also a whole pamphlet dedicated to Satanism. This is a real danger to your feline friend(s). One important note:
“One trendy “religion” that is rapidly gaining in popularity is the cult of Wicca. In actuality, Wicca is merely watered-down Satanism, luring foolish young women with liberal arts degrees into lesbian covens where they worship a goddess and their menses.”
There are several other pamphlets contained in this one, including talking to your cat about Abstinence, and about Postapocalyptic Survival.
One great thing, though – is that this organization has printed several other pamphlets. A review at the back reveals some other great publications outlining things that you really need to talk to your cat about:
Biblical Literalism
Divorce
Gamergate
Georgia O’Keefe
Global Warming
Hippies
Immigration
Miscegination
Post-Modern Architecture
Secret Minecraft Techniques
Social Justice Warriors
States Rights
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!!
So if you don’t want your cat to turn into some kind of pinko liberal, you need to read this book, and GO TALK TO YOUR CAT!
Thanks to NetGalley and Crown Publishing for a copy in return for an honest review.
October 9, 2016
I realize that this book/collection of pamphlets was supposed to be parody of of pro-gun, pro- religion etc. pamphlets that the zealots and right wingers usually push. I understand that this was meant to be funny and I was really looking forward to it. I mean, how can you go wrong with the subject matter? There is tons of stuff in here that could have been funny if it weren't written with such cruel and blatant bias.
I'm usually the first one to make fun of groups like these and it surprised me that I found this book to be so sad and nearly cruel.
The pictures of the cats are somewhat cute, but that didn't make up for the nearly non-existent humor.
*ARC supplied by publisher.
I'm usually the first one to make fun of groups like these and it surprised me that I found this book to be so sad and nearly cruel.
The pictures of the cats are somewhat cute, but that didn't make up for the nearly non-existent humor.
*ARC supplied by publisher.
February 27, 2021
This book is absolutely hysterical. For anyone who loves cats, this is a must read. The author’s sense of humor is spot on. I had tears running down my face while reading! Besides gun safety, it also covers the difficult subjects of abstinence, drugs, & satanism. Unfortunately, it did not cover important topics such as Internet stalkers, social media bullying, or nude selfies.
December 27, 2022
As a review, I’ll simply share this quote by the author: “The original zine was pretty heavily influenced by the NRA’s Eddie the Eagle pamphlets, which is their “How to Talk to Your Kids About Gun Safety” program, mixed with the histrionic tone of a Chick tract, then filtered through the editorial voice of Cat Fancy magazine.”
And: “Unfortunately, I’ve worked nights all my life, and one thing that’s consistent across all graveyard shifts is there’s going to be one dude who’s REALLY into conspiracy theories. I’ve had a lot of Art Bell, Alex Jones, and Breitbart inflicted on me over the years, and as a result I’ve become well versed in crazy, patriotic, paranoid, racist, anti-Semitic, libertarian bullshit.”
Enough?
And: “Unfortunately, I’ve worked nights all my life, and one thing that’s consistent across all graveyard shifts is there’s going to be one dude who’s REALLY into conspiracy theories. I’ve had a lot of Art Bell, Alex Jones, and Breitbart inflicted on me over the years, and as a result I’ve become well versed in crazy, patriotic, paranoid, racist, anti-Semitic, libertarian bullshit.”
Enough?
December 12, 2016
What sounded like an entertaining parody actually turned out to be very unsubtle, beating you over the head with terrible puns over and over again. I took a break of months before coming back to it to see if that helped, but no. It's bigoted, offensive and just plain unfunny. The gun safety topic was probably the only one I found remotely entertaining, and even that had cracks about "the liberal, Jew-run media" and other such things.
Also, if you are religious at all, you'll probably find yourself bristling at some point in every topic.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Also, if you are religious at all, you'll probably find yourself bristling at some point in every topic.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
January 19, 2020
A friend of mine got me this book for Christmas. I love cats and satire. It was the perfect gift. This short novel is filled with eight essential topics to speak with your cat about ranging from puberty to satanism.
This parody had many laugh out loud moments (that were, unfortunately, read in a public setting). There is photographic accompaniment that fits into the chapters perfectly. Who doesn’t like cat pictures? It was the perfect lighthearted, fun read which I desperately needed. I would recommend this book to anyone who loves cats and humour.
November 3, 2021
I now feel confident in knowing my cats are growing up in a Good Christian Household and they can handle their weapons with ease. I am, however, worried they may not be as pure as our Lord would like for them to be...
January 5, 2017
Quite possibly the finest book written in the English language.
November 1, 2018
Really funny. 90% sure it's satire.
June 6, 2021
If you don't like this book you're probably not fun at parties.
January 11, 2023
"It is frequently said that curiosity killed the cat, but what is often left unsaid is that the actual cause of death was the improper discharge of a firearm by a poorly trained feline."
How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety, by Zachary Auburn, is a collection of pamphlets on how to prepare your cat for just about everything - gun safety, satanism, drugs, the end of the world, and more. The book is a satire on guides such as this and right wing conservatism, but has some pretty great laugh out loud moments. It's a little weird when reading these pamphlets, as I was left wondering if the writer believes his rhetoric, but there is enough nonsensical statements in there that are contradictory to prove otherwise.
If I had to tier list the pamphlets, it would look like:
A Tier: Gun Safety, Online Safety, Post-Apocalypse Survival
B Tier: Drugs, Satanism
C: Tier: Evolution, Abstinence, Puberty
I really enjoyed the art in the book, which really make each chapter unique. I also wish there were more pamphlets out there, like what existed in the appendix at the back of the book - such as talking to your cat about Santa Claus, phrenology, and U.S. Corporate Tax Policy. Especially the last one. And if I was a more committed reader, I would count the number of cat puns to give a cat pun per page analysis. But I'm not.
Overall, this is a fun quick read. The quality definitely range, and while the politics are over the top, the chapters that dwell less on the politics are the stronger chapters.
How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety, by Zachary Auburn, is a collection of pamphlets on how to prepare your cat for just about everything - gun safety, satanism, drugs, the end of the world, and more. The book is a satire on guides such as this and right wing conservatism, but has some pretty great laugh out loud moments. It's a little weird when reading these pamphlets, as I was left wondering if the writer believes his rhetoric, but there is enough nonsensical statements in there that are contradictory to prove otherwise.
If I had to tier list the pamphlets, it would look like:
A Tier: Gun Safety, Online Safety, Post-Apocalypse Survival
B Tier: Drugs, Satanism
C: Tier: Evolution, Abstinence, Puberty
I really enjoyed the art in the book, which really make each chapter unique. I also wish there were more pamphlets out there, like what existed in the appendix at the back of the book - such as talking to your cat about Santa Claus, phrenology, and U.S. Corporate Tax Policy. Especially the last one. And if I was a more committed reader, I would count the number of cat puns to give a cat pun per page analysis. But I'm not.
Overall, this is a fun quick read. The quality definitely range, and while the politics are over the top, the chapters that dwell less on the politics are the stronger chapters.
December 9, 2023
What a nice and quick read. I love satire, and actually imagining myself sitting down with my cat and explaining the dangers of guns, sex and Satanism had me laughing. (Also my cat would totally not follow any of this.) Also the use of words like prepawterous and selfurries and the pictures were clever! A great read if you need a good laugh during a rough time or need a brain break.
February 16, 2024
I chuckled at 2-3 sentences, but it sounds like your right wing, bible thumping uncle's rants over a holiday meal sprinkled with a bit of cat puns....
May 24, 2022
I had seen this book cover on the internet a few years ago and found it to be an amusing concept. When I ran across the paperback version of this book at a thrift store, I bought it and gave it a read. Presented by the fictional "American Association of Patriots," How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety is a satire parody of right-wing and evangelical pamphlets that seek to inform readers of the "right" way to do something. In this case, talk to your cat about gun safety.
This book is actually a collection of a few different pamphlets that cover a variety of topics, including safety for guns, sex, online, and the apocalypse. To its credit, if you didn't realize this was satire, you'd think this book was being serious. Perhaps this is more an indictment of how crazy some people have become since 2016. Unfortunately, this is one of the only gimmicks this book has, and it does it to death. I'm impressed that most of the advice is actually accurate, but that's because it almost reads like a pamphlet you'd hand parents trying to talk to their teenagers and just did a find-and-replace to change "teen" to "cat."
I enjoyed the humor for the first few chapters, but by the end, I was mostly skimming, trying to get through it. There seemed to be a quota of cat puns the author tried to force into this book, with at least one or two of these eye-rolling jokes occurring per page. Since this is the other gimmick this book has, there isn't much more to it than the amusing title and concept.
An amusing satire gimmick, but not much else, I give How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety 2.0 stars out of 5.
January 17, 2024
I think this book turned my cat conservative
April 24, 2016
When I picked up this book I wasn't sure what to expect. The same type of humor doesn't appeal to everyone. I'm not quite sure of the target audience for How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety. To say simply, the book is composed of a series of "warning pamphlets" that poke fun at the more extreme (and absurd) conservative political views by applying them to cats (rather than children). The serious tone the author takes makes it clear he is pretending to be in line with ultra-conservatives. At the same time, however much of the phrasing is so eerily in line with conservative rhetoric that it is likely to appall rather than appeal to liberal readers.
I have said many times that cats improve everything. Cute, cuddly, graceful and all around appealing, who could do other than smile when faced with an adorable feline. How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety proves otherwise. Well, maybe not, if you take away the rest you are left with a cat.
If you are looking for a fun gift for a friend or family member who likes cats, buy another book.
1/5
I received a copy of How to Talk toYour Cat About Gun Safety from the publisher and netgalley.com in exchange for an honest review.
--Crittermom
April 17, 2016
Review: THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF PATRIOTS PRESENTS: HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CAT ABOUT GUN SAFETY
Forget laugh-out-loud. This pastiche and parody is full-tilt-boogie, roll-on-the-floor-laughing. Designed as a series of persuasive educational "how to" pamphlets, the collected "wisdom" found here purports [purrports] to help cat-owning American patriots to train their four-leggeds in patriotism, faith, and home defense. Cats will learn the virtues of abstinence, how to avoid online predation and drugs, withstand temptation, and home defense against burglars, ghosts, foreigners, the UN, and the European Union.
Forget laugh-out-loud. This pastiche and parody is full-tilt-boogie, roll-on-the-floor-laughing. Designed as a series of persuasive educational "how to" pamphlets, the collected "wisdom" found here purports [purrports] to help cat-owning American patriots to train their four-leggeds in patriotism, faith, and home defense. Cats will learn the virtues of abstinence, how to avoid online predation and drugs, withstand temptation, and home defense against burglars, ghosts, foreigners, the UN, and the European Union.
May 20, 2016
This book wasn’t funny. I could see what it was trying to do—parody ultra-conservative pamphlets about how to protect your children. But it was so literal in its imitation that there was no fun to the parody.
It does, however, have cute pictures of cats.
Possible Objectionable Material:
You may not agree with the quite conservative “teachings” in this book. You might also be bored by the lack of humor.
Who Might Like This Book:
People who like parodies and poking fun at conservative culture. People who like photos of cute cats.
This review is also at http://biblioquacious.blogspot.com/20...
Thank you, NetGalley, for the ARC.
It does, however, have cute pictures of cats.
Possible Objectionable Material:
You may not agree with the quite conservative “teachings” in this book. You might also be bored by the lack of humor.
Who Might Like This Book:
People who like parodies and poking fun at conservative culture. People who like photos of cute cats.
This review is also at http://biblioquacious.blogspot.com/20...
Thank you, NetGalley, for the ARC.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 221 reviews