The Gettysburg Address. Washington’s Farewell Address. JFK’s Inaugural Address. And now, the pantheon of the greatest American political speeches has another entry: Kid Rock’s first campaign speech.
The Bullgod, who has not filed the appropriate paperwork to run and is therefore already in violation of federal law, illuminated for an audience in Grand Rapids, Michigan what some of his policies will be, should The Pimp of the Nation be elected to office.
There were many “highlights” of the stirring and inspirational speech, which began with Rock blasting social welfare programs: “It seems the government wants to give everyone health insurance, but wants us all to pay. And to be very frank, I really don’t have a problem with that, since God has blessed me and made my pockets fat. But a redistribution of wealth seems more like their plan, and I don’t believe that you should say, ‘Sacrifice, do things by the book, and then have to take care of some deadbeat milking the system, lazy ass motherfucking man.’”
“Now the issue of struggling single parents is an issue close to my heart,” Rock continued. “But read my lips, we should not support these women who can’t even take care of themselves, but keep having kid after fucking kid! Of course we should help them out. I don’t want to sit here and sound like a jerk. But let’s help them out with child care, job training, and put their goddamn asses to work.
Rock next set his sights out deadbeat dads: “All you ghetto glorifiers and gangster wannabes,” the man who wrote the song “Roving Gangster” and grew up in a mansion shouted, “I say lock up all you fuckin’ assholes and throw away the key!”
The Bullgod’s Shakespearian monologue only picked up steam from there:
“And if you want to take a knee or sit during our Star-Spangled Banner, call me a racist because I’m not [politically correct] and think you have to remind me that black lives matter.
Nazis, fucking bigots, and now again the KKK – I say screw all you assholes! Stay the fuck away!”
The Senate hopeful, long known for his pious and godly lifestyle, then gave propers to his lord and savior Jesus Christ. “So please almighty Jesus, if you’re looking down tonight, please guide us with your wisdom and give us strength to fight. To fight the tyrant evils that lurk here and abroad, and remind us all that we are still just one nation under God.”
Rock also stated his intention to become president of this fine land one day, as well as his plan to grip his penis whilst addressing the nation from the oval office and reminding us that we’ve never before met a motherfucker quite like he.
After displaying such a firm understanding of the intricacies of the American political system (and a firm grip on his genitals), it’s easy to see why a group close to Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell said they’d back Senator Rock n’ Roll Jesus’ run for office. It’s also clear why a GOP operative recently stated the only way Rock could lose would be if he “beat up a woman.” Clearly, there will be no beating of women—that would be despicable—Rock simply (and logically) plans on arresting them.
America. Fuck yeah.
