Great Sex Is Hard Work, but It Can Make You Smarter

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Most people do not have to be convinced that having more sex is a good idea. For many, the problem is finding the time to have it, getting in the “right” mental space to want it, finding someone to have it with, or perhaps just wanting to make it a little, well, sexier. This post concerns the evolving science on sex, relationships, and health. If you're thinking, “I don’t have any complaints, so why should I read this?” then, first, congratulations. But most of us like to read about what we are good at, so stay with me.

Research shows that when you think about sex more, you are likely to have more sex. In fact, many therapeutic guides for improving the sexual life of couples recommend techniques that involve building more sexual thoughts between you and your sexual partner (e.g., sexting). Reading about sex-related research, then, is yet another trick to infuse your relationship with sexy thoughts. But you and your partner (if you have one) want to be on the same page, so share what you've learned with them. (Research suggests that 70 percent of men think about sex every day, while only 34 percent of women do.)

For some, the problem is finding time in your busy schedule to have sex. You may have sex on the brain, but there are so many other things to do — work, laundry, kids, exercise, Netflix — so sex doesn’t get prioritized. If you aspire to re-rank your priorities, this new study may motivate you to carve out more partner time: It turns out that sex might help you tackle the rest of your priority list more effectively by keeping you sharp.

A study published in June (Wright, Jenks, & Demeyere, 2017) found that sexual activity can increase your cognitive functioning. What does that mean exactly? Having sex more often was associated with better performance on tests of verbal fluency (e.g., word-finding skills) and visuospatial ability — both of which are tied to working memory and executive function. Specifically, the results suggested that weekly sexual activity is a boost to cognitive skills, relative to monthly sexual activity, or none at all. It may not be easy for some to have sex weekly, of course, especially if they lack a regular partner. This study, however, suggested that self-love (a.k.a. masturbation) delivers the same results.

Some couples just want their sex lives to be a little more spontaneous. It’s okay to admit this desire: According to Willoughby & Vitas (2012), most individuals (63 percent) experience discrepancies between how much they’d like to have sex and how much sex they actually have. But admitting that you’d like to work on your sex life might be exactly the mindset you need to achieve it. Like most activities, working at it is the best way to get better at it, but people often think of their sex life as a matter of compatibility — i.e., they and their partner are destined to be good at it together or not. Moreover, some may assume that having to work hard at your sex life is a red flag when, in fact, the opposite is true, according to a study by a group of researchers in Toronto (Maxwell, Muise, MacDonald, Day, Rosen, & Impett, 2016). They found that the key to having a healthy sex life was maintaining a sexual growth mindset. Having a sexual growth mindset is to believe that satisfying sexual lives are achieved through effort and hard work. It turns out that great sex is cultivated and discovered. People who endorsed ideas like, “In a relationship, maintaining a satisfying sex life requires effort,” and “Even satisfied couples will experience sexual challenges at times,” had greater relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction than those who did not endorse such beliefs — and their partners were more satisfied too.

Bottom line: Work hard to have more, and better sex. It’ll make you smarter, and it will make you happier.