“You know, maybe we don't need enemies."
"Yeah, best friends are about all I can take.”
--Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
You feel you're surrounded by fools and jerks. And if you were surrounded by only clones of yourself, you might still feel pretty much the same way. Such is our fate as members of a fickle, vain and insecure human race. But there are ways to endure this fate without resorting to actions that can be punished by our legal system. In some cases, there are ways not merely to survive but to thrive.
Here's an office realpolitik primer on how to handle your rivals, critics and other villains in your life:
1. Hold your nose and lie about how great they are. Insincerity is the force that binds a society together. What if everyone were to say honestly whether those pants make you look fat? No marriage could last, no team could function, no center can hold.
Politeness is a polished insincerity (and that's why successful liars are often called politicians). Politeness makes human company possible over the long haul. But don’t just be polite. Be a little more charitable than your will or better judgment would normally allow.
There are practical benefits to being charitable. “To wrong those we hate is to add fuel to our hatred,” the philosopher Eric Hoffer wrote in his landmark book, The True Believer. “Conversely, to treat an enemy with magnanimity is to blunt our hatred for him.”
If you praise someone who suspects you hate them, they might see it as a sign of surprisingly good taste on your part—and that might defuse and even begin to transform what's been a mutually antagonistic relationship. The rival may start praising you a little, you get a positive feedback loop, and soon you both run off to start your own business.
2. Lie with more than mere words. "Our body language communicates more to others than we imagine," workplace psychologist Bill Dyment tells me. "Instinctively, we can often discern between a real smile and a contrived one. When we feign a smile, the many small muscles around the eyes don't smile along with our mouth—that’s a dead giveaway.”
That brings to mind a George Costanza axiom that I frequently quote: "It's not a lie ... if you believe it." Go ahead and suspend disbelief when you praise an adversary, and you can minimize the dissonance between your sweet words and your bitter heart.
3. Trust that there’s some truth within the seemingly hollow praise that you offer. You can always find something to salute in a person who irritates you. Admit it: Your rivals and nemeses couldn't possibly have become richer and more powerful than you if they didn't have some genuine market value stuffed away in there somewhere. So swallow your pride and be gracious for strategic reasons.
4. Look to see how others are managing to deal with your adversary. It usually turns out that some people get along famously with the person whom you find to be a menace. Perhaps you feel bullied by Natalie; yet
5. Decide whether you’re more interested in warm fuzzies or getting the job done. Is there a goal that you’re hell-bent on achieving, for yourself and your organization? Then kick into an eyes-on-the-prize gear, looking past the slights and the tensions of the workplace. Conversely, if your goal is to be a part of a loving and caring workplace community, then give yourself permission to move on in search of a new workplace … provided that you’ve first tried communicating in an honest and charitable fashion with those you're in conflict with.
6. See your adversary as a blessing. “Love your enemies, for they tell you your faults," Ben Franklin said. You tend not to know where your blind spots are, because your friends are (ironically) too polite to warn you. Thus, your rivals, critics and adversaries might be the only persons able to give you invaluable feedback about where you need to improve.
7. Humanize your adversary. Philo had some helpful words. “Be kind,” he said, “for everyone you meet is having a hard battle.” Consider that the most annoying people may have been the victims of the worst mistreatment, the most emotional deprivation. A rough person may actually be a rough gem, a person fighting a heroic struggle against the odds simply to function in daily life.
Our own insecurities can be like a form of poverty. They make us stingy and keep us from giving credit where credit is due. They keep us from sensing how insecure our adversary is, and how much he or she would appreciate kind words from us.
“I don’t like that man,” Abraham Lincoln is said to have remarked once. “I must get to know him better.” Wise words. And if that doesn’t work, go back to lying.
