Demand for Irish passports in the UK has jumped by 50% since Britain voted for Brexit, according to figures just released. Are you one of the 100,000 Brits who’s been issued with one? Do you desperately want to fit in? Here is my guide to being authentically Irish. (Under no circumstances must you attempt an Irish accent: you may be tempted to unleash your inner Mrs Doyle. Please don’t!)
Know about Galway Girl
State emphatically that there are no actual bars on Grafton Street and that Ed Sheeran is a culture-appropriating English prick and that no one in the history of the Irish state has ever stood on a stool and sung Carrickfergus, as it’s a dreary buzzkill of a song and doesn’t have the “Gaeltacht banger” appeal of something like An Poc Ar Buile (The Mad Puck Goat). You might also wonder why Sheeran thinks a bag of Doritos is an appropriate end to an evening when a spice bag would have been more authentic.
Be fluent in Flann O’Brien
Learn by heart the poem The Workman’s Friend by Flann O’Brien. Watch the delight as you recite “A pint of plain is your only man”. Your effort to embrace Irish culture will be warmly appreciated. You could also sing a couple of verses of Come Out Ye Black and Tans to demonstrate your desire for complete immersion, although this is not advisable.
Understand the subtleties
If you ask an Irish person to do something and they reply, “I will, yeah” with a downward inflection this is their polite way of saying “No”. Irish people never say what they mean because we always need a latex membrane of euphemism between us and the truth. This isn’t lying; it’s called being charming. Practise this particular phrase until you can say it with absolute sincerity. The same principle applies to the word “grand”. It doesn’t mean “amazing” or “stunning”. It just means “fine” or “OK” or “It’ll do”. Every interaction you have with another Irish human must include that particular word at least once.
Learn the language
The Irish language is a joyous thing. It exists to take the boring and mundane and sprinkle it with poetry and magic. How could you not love a language in which the words for escalator is “staighre beo” which means “living stairs”? Learn off by heart a couple of phrases to show willing. Never mind “craic”. Instead throw in “rírá agus ruaille buaille” to describe a raucous night and you’ll be grand.
It’s Derry, not Londonderry
When the BBC radio news says Londonderry instead of Derry you must shout: “It’s Derry, it’s Derry, it’s always been Derry, it’ll always be Derry! Derry! Derry!” even though you’re completely alone in your own car. The phrase “Londonderry slash Derry” is an acceptable alternative as it acknowledges the presence of both sectarian communities.
Change your name
Why not change your name to something from Celtic mythology, such as Ardal, Caimh, Oisín, Níamh or Gráinne? Yes, you’ll spend most of your adult life explaining to your British friends that Caimh is pronounced “Queeve” and that Níamh sounds “Neeve”. And just think of the fun you’ll have reciting the phonetic alphabet to baffled call centre employees in Manila.
Opine on Mrs Brown’s Boys
As an Irish passport holder, what are your thoughts on this particular sitcom?
a) It’s a war crime and should be on trial at the Hague.
b) It’s as funny as polio.
c) It’s comedy for people who clap when the plane lands. If you’re astonished by gravity and aerodynamics, wait until you see a man in a dress who does pratfalls and says “feck” a lot!
d) It’s very popular, but so is herpes. And I’m not interested in that either
All the above are correct.
Know when to take tea
Getting a cup of tea is a dance of seduction so please understand the precise etiquette. You will be asked three times so you must refuse twice and accept on the third. Never accept the first time as it makes you over-eager and needy. And worst of all British.
Be culturally sensitive
Aldi does a range of spirits that include something called Oliver Cromwell London Dry Gin. Demand to see the manager and ask why they are selling “genocide gin”. They’ll probably give you the email address of head office but at least you’ve made your point. Now that you’re an Irish passport holder, Cromwell is not a revolutionary hero but a genocidal war criminal.