Are You Part of an Independent Couple or Codependent Couple?

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Call me an overly analytical psychologist, but one of the things I find fascinating is seeing how many different kinds of couples there are. Couples have all sorts of relationship dynamics, and you can often see them on the surface when you socialize with them.

One thing that has always struck me is watching how couples vary in terms of the extent to which they socialize together and the extent to which they socialize apart. You probably know some couples in which you almost never see one without the other, while you can likely think of other couples for whom the opposite is true. Is there a "right" level of independence for couples? How much time together is too much? Where do you draw the line between too much or too little time together?

Usually, any therapist will tell you there is no "right way" to be about anything. In this case, I somewhat disagree. Based on my anecdotal experience of counseling hundreds of couples, one approach does appear to be better than the other. While I acknowledge that there is a spectrum, I also acknowledge that people lose themselves (their interests, ambitions, and uniqueness) when they spend all their time with one person. You can't fuse with another and expect to remain a vibrant, happy, and separate entity. To be healthy, you need some level of independence within a couple. This does not include going to work: Yes, that is time apart, but that time apart is forced and not sought by choice. Couples that eat together, sleep together, go to church together, and do everything socially together, make me nervous. I'll tell you why.

In my clinical work, I have found that couples that do everything together secretly feel claustrophobic in the relationship and wish they had a little more breathing room. These claustrophobic feelings later morph into other problems, and the relationship starts to crumble. The relationship could still last a lifetime, but "lasting" shouldn't be the goal: The goal should be that two people stay together happily, and that they stay together because each continues to meet the other's primary social needs.

If you are in a relationship now, take a moment to reflect: Do you and your partner have some friends you see separately? Do you feel pressure if the expectation is that you will spend all of your weekend or evening social time together? Consider a discussion with your partner about their thoughts. Ask, "Would you say that we are an independent couple or a codependent couple?" Most important, ask the really crucial questions: "Do you feel like I'm okay with it if you socialize with some friends without me? Have you ever wanted to just see your friends and wished that I wasn't there? If so, that's okay." Because you are opening yourself to hearing the cold, hard truth from your partner, also share your own honest feelings: Do you ever want to see friends, but feel like your partner will feel hurt or angry if you don't include them?

The best time to broach these issues is when both of you are relaxed and in a good mood, not after a bad day, during a stressful period, or when they are preoccupied with an important issue. Choose a time when you're both relaxed and take inventory of this issue. Initiating this conversation with your partner sends a very important message: It's okay to talk about how we really feel about the state of our relationships, even if it feels a bit uncomfortable to broach the issue.

^{Feel free to explore my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve, or follow me on Twitter for regular mental health updates.}