Parents·Posted on 12 July 201727 Tweets That Will Make Parents Piss Themselves Laughing"I wish someone would threaten to put me to bed for a change."by Jenna GuillaumeEditor-at-Large, BuzzFeed AustraliaLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. Mike Reynolds @EverydayGirlDad Our daughter is threatening to never talk to us at night if we don't let her stay up & I don't think she understands threats or negotiation. 11:50 PM - 26 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. Real American Dadass @R_A_Dadass I'm writing a book about parenting called, "Nevermind, I'll Just Do It Myself!" 12:03 AM - 24 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. roothakers @ruthakers If life hands you lemons Then a mango Then an apple It's because you're in the fruit aisle With a 2 year old Who won't stop handing you crap 02:48 AM - 12 Nov 2009 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Kim Bongiorno @LetMeStart Cranky Kid: THAT'S IT. I'M MOVING OUT. Me: Kid: Me: Kid: MOOOooooOOMM! Me: FINE. [sigh] Oh no. Please. Don't go. Anything but that. 07:32 PM - 28 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing? Me: Pay the bills. 5: Are you winning? Me: No. 04:40 PM - 17 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Rodney Lacroix @moooooog35 Last day of school: Kids: Yay! Parents: [checking when first day of school is] 10:03 AM - 19 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Dragging Feeties @DraggingFeeties Netflix should have a "times watched" counter for kids' shows so you can track your slow descent into madness. 02:28 PM - 12 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. DaddyJew @DaddyJew Son: how old were you when you felt like you were a grown up? Me: I'll let you know when I get there 03:19 AM - 15 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Stephanie Ortiz @Six_Pack_Mom 5pm, to kids: "Stop complaining that there's nothing good to eat here! Have some fruit!" 11pm, to self: "There's nothing good to eat here." 03:54 AM - 02 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. OutnumberedMother @OutNumbMother Before becoming a parent, I never realized I could ruin someone's day by doing a piss-poor firetruck impersonation. 09:54 PM - 08 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. Simon Holland @simoncholland You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog. 12:14 AM - 12 Sep 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. MyMomologue @MyMomologue Me: *Friday night* I'm so glad it's the weekend. Maybe I can finally get some rest. 2yo: *Saturday at 6am* *screeches like a velociraptor* 01:21 PM - 03 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Close to Classy @closetoclassy I can't! It doesn't work! HELP MEEEE! *sobs* PLEEAAASSSEEE! It's broken! IT'S BROKENNNN! [runs from room] -my 3yo trying to eat a Pop-tart 02:49 PM - 08 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. The ParentNormal @ParentNormal What's the opposite of getting knocked-out? I’m looking for a word to describe being awakened from a deep sleep by a toddler kick to my face 01:12 PM - 03 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Jacques Nyemb @jnyemb Want to know fear? Randomly feeling your toddler smear something wet on your exposed arm...Then running away. 12:55 AM - 25 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Lurkin' Mom @LurkAtHomeMom *Mary Poppins voice* Ok, children! Time to go! [15 min later] *Batman voice* I said let's go. 06:08 PM - 05 Nov 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Ash @adult_mom I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise. 02:52 PM - 09 Mar 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. OneFunnyMummy @OneFunnyMummy I wish someone would threaten to put me to bed for a change. 09:10 PM - 17 Oct 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Ramblin' Mama @ramblinma Don't get me wrong, I love my 3-year-old. It's just that sometimes I'm pretty sure he needs an exorcism. 03:22 PM - 30 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. Kate Hall @KateWhineHall 90% of parenting is trying to determine if your kids' feelings are genuine or just them trying to manipulate the crap out of you again. 02:46 PM - 12 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. OutnumberedMother @OutNumbMother I wish I’d known how much of parenting was having little people scream at me for giving them exactly what they wanted. 05:02 PM - 31 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. dadpression @Dadpression Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder. 12:00 AM - 05 Oct 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Sara Says Stop @PetrickSara Wonder Woman, but it's just me, getting my kids to school on time. 02:04 PM - 30 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Stephanie Rodham @StephDsays 2 yo has been crying for 20 minutes because she misses her booger. In case you wondered what motherhood is like. 04:00 PM - 24 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. mark @TheCatWhisprer [trying to stop my toddler's tantrum in a restaurant] *harsh whisper* If you don't cut it out right now then there's nothing else I can do 07:45 PM - 11 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. Valerie @ValeeGrrl Little does the bus driver know, that "I love you" I shout after my kids every morning is for him too. 12:37 PM - 01 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. Robert Knop @FatherWithTwins 7yo: I wanna wear my hat today Me: Ok, but I'm not going to carry it all day Narrator: But carry it all day he did 10:48 PM - 03 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite