One of the biggest challenges baby boomers face is managing the lives of their aging parents. It can not only be time consuming and costly, but it can also create a fine line to walk when going to bat for them.
On a couple different occasions, I have come across situations where an adult son or daughter went out of their way to fight for something they felt their parent deserved, only to end up making things worse for them.
In one case, an elderly woman in Florida had her request to plant a garden box in the common area of her condo association denied. Her son, who lived out-of-state, owned a landscaping company and he had sketched out the perfect arrangement of plants and flowers for her to admire outside her back deck. The request was denied because cable and other utility lines ran directly under that area.
To make matters worse, a neighbor just a few condos over had recently been granted approval for similar work, obviously because they who didn’t have the same lines running through the area behind them. This infuriated the son who had taken time off to come down and build this planter box. He reasoned the condo association was being unfair and playing favorites. He argued that the condo association should be required to move the lines, and if not, he would seek legal advice and other actions.
Over the course of his two week stay, things went from bad to worse. He proceeded to invite fire marshals, building inspectors, and even an attorney out to the grounds to claim violations, hazards, and encroachments against neighbors. Harsh allegations and misrepresentations were made.
As neighbors received knocks on their doors and letters in the mail, relationships that had been built up over decades crumbled. In no time, a Hatfield and McCoy’s type feud was underway.
Unfortunately, situations like this aren’t kept quiet and between neighbors. So, it wasn’t just the people on either side of his mother who turned their noses up, or walked the other direction when she was coming. It was most of the community.
As a result, the son essentially turned his mother into a shut-in. His wrath against the other neighbors ostracized her and left her completely alone without anyone to talk to, ask for help, or even smile and wave too. Her door that used to always be open, was now constantly shut. Her time spent watering flowers in the front of her house changed to very early in the morning and late at night… and her walk to her car went from leisurely to hurried with her head hung low.
This is just one example of why it is so important for baby boomers to be aware of the potential outcomes of picking fights for their parents. Did she deserve a beautiful planter box outside her deck? Would it have been great to look at with her morning coffee? Absolutely, but was it worth destroying her relationships and mispositioning her in the community she has been a part of for over twenty years? No!
Therefore, don’t pick fights for an aging parent that has the potential to misposition them. Be creative, be community minded, and always seek a solution that has long-term benefits, not just personal or visual appeal.
