How to Help Your Child Deal with Cliques

Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC

Last Updated: March 29, 2022 References

You know the clique stereotype--a group of kids who act and dress the same and take delight in sabotaging one another. While this stereotype doesn’t always hold true, dealing with cliques can be really hard for a child. It’s easy to feel powerless as a parent, but there are actually some steps you can take to help your child overcome clique-related difficulties. Start by understanding the clique dynamic. Then, work through problems with your child, looping in teachers, administrators, and parents of other clique members. Don't forget to equip your child with some handy conflict resolution skills and anger management techniques!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Exploring the World of Cliques

1
Find out more about the clique. To begin your journey into the world of cliques, figure out the members of your child’s clique. Ask your child, “Who is in your group of friends?” Like any good detective, you should try to get as much information as possible. Other questions you might have include:
- Is there a clique leader?
- How long have you been participating in the clique?
- What do you and your clique do together?
2
Don’t automatically reject your child being in a clique. Cliques can seem downright awful. The word might conjure images of icy queen bees and power struggles. However, keep in mind that it’s normal and natural for children to show preferences for friends or certain types of people. Cliques can help your child develop a sense of self-worth and self-confidence. In a clique of friends, your child may feel protected and accepted for who they are.^{[1]
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- Understand that your child wants to feel accepted, and a clique can provide that for them.^{[2]
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3
Help your child extend their peer group. If your child only spends time with their clique, their ability to make new friends might suffer. That means they won’t be exposed to a diversity of people, plus they may feel more pressure to engage in cliquish behavior.^{[3]
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- To help your child branch out and make some new, fun friends, encourage them to sign up for a couple of extracurriculars. Think sports, theater, music, and clubs.
- Community-sponsored athletic programs are a fun and economical option. Chat with your local community activity board or recreational department for more information about children’s programs in your area.
4
Support your child’s individuality. Cliques – for good or bad – tend to impose conformity on their members. The members might act the same, dress the same, and engage in the same activities. Your child is a unique individual who’s probably pretty awesome just as they are. In order to help your child maintain their sense of self, provide positive feedback to your child on a regular basis. For instance, you could say to your child:^{[4]
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- “I like you just the way you are.”
- ”It’s okay for you to do things differently than other people do.”^{[5]
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- ”I like when you are kind and polite to others.”
5
Encourage your child to use their leadership skills for good. Whether your child is the clique leader or not, you should help them find a voice in the clique. This is even more important if you suspect that a dictator-esque clique leader might be leading them astray. For example, give your child a confidence boost by telling them, “Your friends in the clique will admire you for having the courage to do the right thing and treat others kindly.”
- Help your child empathize with others by reminding them of the time before they were surrounded by a clique, or encouraging them to do volunteer work. Even doing kind things for friends and family members can foster compassion! It can be something simple, like whipping up a snack for a younger sibling. This can help your child relate to kids who aren’t in a clique, and hopefully, treat them a little more kindly.
6
Keep an eye out for bullying. Sometimes, the stereotype of the clique as a hotbed for snide remarks and sabotage isn’t far off. Bullying behavior is often a part of life in a clique, with members egging on each other’s bullying. Decide what consequences you think would be appropriate as punishment for bullying behaviors. Stay on the lookout for this behavior, which may include:^{[6]
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- verbal threats or name-calling
- physical attacks (kicking, pushing, hitting)
- taunting (making faces or obscene gestures)
- starting rumors
7
Discourage your child from participating if necessary. Conformity is part of human nature. If the other kids in the clique are engaging in negative behavior, your kid is more likely to engage in that behavior, too. Removing your child from the clique environment can get them away from kids who might be having a negative influence on them. Although this subject is touchy, do your best to discourage them from spending time with the clique.^{[7]
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- Of course, hopefully you will never have to take this step. Make sure to have discussions about what makes someone a good person and a good friend. This can help your child to decide for themselves when they meet people.
- However, if your child’s clique is landing them in trouble again and again, it might be time to talk about finding new friends.
- There are lots of ways to approach this subject. For instance, you could say, “I’d feel more comfortable if you didn’t spend time with that group of friends.”
- Get third parties involved, too, such as faith leaders, school guidance counselors, or trusted family friends. Tell them about your child’s clique and loop them into your anti-clique efforts. There’s strength in numbers!
- If your child is unresponsive, as kids often are when it comes to parental suggestions, take a more authoritative stance. Say, “I forbid you from spending time with that group of friends” or inform them that you will be revoking certain privileges until they stop spending time with the clique.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Working Through Problems

1
Look for signs that your child is struggling with cliques. It can be hard to know when your child is experiencing issues with their clique, no matter how close you and your child are. They might be embarrassed, or try to deal with everything on their own. Be on the lookout for warning signs. If you feel that things have gotten severe, especially if they have panic attacks or thoughts of self-harm, consult a mental health professional. Things to watch for include:^{[8]
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- sadness or depression
- trouble getting to sleep
- reluctance to attend school
- disinterest in certain activities that they previously had an interest in
2
Talk to your child about their experience with a clique. Once you’ve identified the signs, it’s time to sit your child down for a talk. Say, “Do you need help dealing with a group of mean children?” On the other hand, your child might tell you upfront that they are struggling with a nasty clique. Either way, try to find out more about their experience.^{[9]
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- Ask, for instance, “What does the clique do to you?” They might reply that they are being pushed, taunted, or made fun of.
- Listen attentively and make eye contact with the child. This lets them know you are interested in them and their feelings.
- Ask relevant follow-up questions like, “How did that make you feel?” or “What happened then?”
- You’ll always be there for your child, so let them know! Say something like, “I am always here if you want to share more of your feelings.” Arm them with responses to bullying or taunts. Check in with them often about what’s working, and what’s not. You can also ask if there is anything specific they'd like you to do to help.
3
Talk to your child’s teacher or administrator. As a parent, you’ve probably done everything in your power to help your child deal with clique-related bullying. However, at some point you may need to call in extra help, and there’s no shame in that. If your child is dealing with a bully in a particular class, contact the teacher in the class. The teacher might be able give you some more information, plus they’ll probably be happy to help a struggling student. Team up with the teacher and other administrators to tackle bullying behavior.^{[10]
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- For instance, you could encourage the staff at your child’s school to develop a school-wide anti-bullying intervention program. This program should include counseling for bullies and victims, staff training on how to identify and resolve bullying, and outreach to parents so they can gain some useful anti-bullying skills.
4
Contact the parents of the kids in the clique. In addition to teachers and relevant school staff, contact the parents of the other children in the clique. With the parents of the kids in the clique on board, the clique can issue an apology to your child and begin adopting more appropriate behavior.^{[11]
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- Beware--this approach can backfire, especially with teenagers. The bully may start taking things out on your child.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Empowering Your Child

1
Teach your child conflict resolution techniques. Even with the help of teachers and staff, your child might still face bullying from other cliques later on, or if they move to a new school. However, with a little instruction, your kid can become a pro at handling these situations. Start by teaching your child some simple anger management practices, such as:^{[12]
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- Stopping as soon as they feel angry.^{[13]
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  Research source} One option is using a “stop” motion when they begin feeling angry. You and your child can brainstorm to come up with a stop motion that works for them. Feeling stumped? One idea is placing their hand directly in front of their face with the fingers pointed up. Have them push the hand straight out in front of them. This simple motion can help your child focus their energy on stopping angry feelings.
- Giving themselves space to think. This might mean leaving the space where they feel they are being threatened or bullied by the clique.
- Breathing deeply. Encourage your child to close their eyes once they are in a safe space. They should breathe in through their nose for three seconds, then out through their mouth for five seconds. In, out, in out. Have them continue for as long as they need to.
- Analyzing the situation. Your child should think back to their experience with the clique. Tell your child, “Look at the situation as you would if you were a spectator. Be sure that you did not cause the conflict.”
- Talking with someone you trust. Talking things through with someone can help them to get some perspective and feedback.
2
Help your child engage in conflict resolution. Talking through problems is super important for conflict resolution, so make sure your child starts a dialogue with the clique. It may prompt clique members to ease up on their nasty behavior.^{[14]
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- Help your child express themselves to the clique in a way that makes the members listen. If they shut down, resolution is a no-go. Instead of using blaming language and “you” statements (in the form of, “You are rotten”), instruct your child to use “I” statements (in the form of “I don’t like being pushed”).
- Encourage your child to focus on the behavior, not the person in the clique who is acting badly. Basically, your child should describe the behavior that they don’t appreciate instead of attacking the child engaging in that behavior.
- Standing up to cliques can be downright frightening. Try role-playing the situation with your child a few times before the big moment so they can figure out how to respond. Remind them that they cannot control what other people do, but they can control how they respond.
3
Help your child engage in conflict mediation. The conflict mediation process is all about bringing fighting groups together so they can understand one another. You might have to get help from someone else, like parents or teachers, to round up all the clique members. If you (along with parents of those in the clique and/or teachers) are engaged in the conflict resolution process, you should:^{[15]
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- Set the ground rules. Once your child and the clique that harasses them are in conversation, there should be no disrespectful behavior or name-calling.
- Both sides should get a chance to talk about what happened from their point of view. No interrupting when someone is talking!
- Help the clique and your child see that an end to fighting equals a better situation for everyone. Show them that they have common interests, like using school as a place to learn and study, and not a place to fight.
- A successful conversation is a major win, but it’s also important to consider the future. Have the children think about how they want to move forward, and help them come to an agreement.
- Sometimes, you might not be allowed in the conflict resolution process. Don’t take this personally--the school might want a more neutral mediator, like school staff members or administrators.
4
Help your child avoid being targeted by cliques. Cliques often target kids for how they dress, or for poor hygiene. Encourage your child to engage in good hygiene – teens or tweens might need a little extra nagging. Regularly washing their clothes, brushing their teeth, and showering are all good habits to encourage.
- Keep an eye on your kid’s wardrobe. Maybe they’ve sprouted up like a beanstalk and need some new pants and shirts. Invite them on a shopping trip so they can pick out some shiny new clothes.
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Tips

Make sure your child is engaging in hobbies and activities that will help to build up their confidence and help them have fun. This will help to immunize them from criticism or bullying behavior from other people.

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Remind your child that cliques will not matter as they get older.

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