Congratulations on your new role as Uber CEO! In lieu of a traditional orientation—we’re not much for HR anyway—we think it would be more effective to outline the many, many ways in which you are screwed. After all, garbage fires don’t put out themselves!
For starters, you’re going to need to fill a few executive-level roles. It’s not as existential a problem as the toxic corporate culture and subsequent comeuppance that led to those departures in the first place, but good to score some small victories. As of now you’ll just need a COO, a CFO, a CTO, a president of ride-sharing, and a general counsel. Just off the top of our heads.
We know, it sounds daunting, but don’t fret. We on the board have done you the service of putting 14 people in charge simultaneously after Travis Kalanick left. Take your pick! Or maybe just let them sort it out for themselves? Leadership-by-clown-car is a paradigm shift we’re committed to exploring.
Honestly, just please make sure that whoever you pick sets the right tone. Here we’re defining “right” roughly as “the opposite of how we’ve acted since our inception.” That means zero tolerance for harassment, discrimination, and retaliation. Or better yet, instituting a way for people who experience any (or in several cases, all) of those to report incidents without being ignored or actively penalized. A wholesale culture shift won’t happen overnight, and we get that. But creating the frameworks that enable those shifts kind of can, right? So, do that.
Also, if you find an urgent need to meditate, please do it on the roof, or at your own desk. And on a related note, just stay out of the lactation room unless you need it for its intended purpose, OK? And we still can’t quite believe we have to say this, but please don’t get into shouting matches with our drivers. Also please don’t refer to them as “our drivers,” since they are 100-percent definitely independent contractors, as upheld by multiple lawsuit settlements! ;)
We know, we know, it sounds like a lot. And we haven’t even broached the financials! Which, by the way, don’t look so hot. Our net losses last year, excluding the China business we sold because we never could crack China (whoops!), totaled $2.8 billion. That number doesn’t scare off investors, and gross bookings have grown like gangbusters. But a path to profitability doesn’t guarantee profitability, especially when your company can’t help but implode every few months. (Oh, speaking of, please put “no implosions” near the top of your to-do list.)
Also, we should acknowledge that Uber's gains come in part from initiatives that stem from our culture issues. Hard to separate those out! Take Greyball, for instance. Sure, using software to avoid detection by law enforcement and/or regulators was a pretty great high at the time. The hangover’s looking brutal, though. We’d say more about it, but we can’t comment on an ongoing criminal investigation. Or at least, we assume we can’t? Better hire that general counsel!
Then there’s the whole Waymo lawsuit. Alphabet’s self-driving car company alleges that when we hired Waymo's former employee Anthony Levandowski to run the autonomous car business, he brought along 14,000 technical documents with him. Don’t worry, we’ve fired that guy already. But the lawsuit’s still kicking. Given that our long-term viability hinges on a fleet of autonomous taxis (independent contractors and their lawsuits are so expensive!) that’s kind of a big deal. In Game of Thrones terms, think of Waymo as the White Walkers, and Uber as your choice of Westeros clans. Just kidding, we’re definitely House Lannister.
Okay, that should fill your plate enough for starters. There’s also the continued ascendence of Lyft, a potentially crippling regulatory fight in Europe, driver unrest, and so on. But with your help, we truly believe we can once again make Uber the Uber of Ubers. Fortunately, our Board of Directors will be here to help you every step of the way. Maybe start with Travis? He knows the problems inside and out.
Editors' note: This is a work of satire, though the advice is real.
