How to be an LGBT ally, during Pride Month and beyond

June means Pride Month across the U.S., four weeks of parades, parties and festivals drawing those within the LGBT community — and their straight friends, too.

More and more in the U.S. voice support for gay and lesbian rights each year, as nearly 20 years of Gallup polling shows, and about half of Americans favor more protections for fellow citizens who are LGBT.

Yet as Americans increasingly call themselves allies of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, many still do or say things that, however unknowingly, hurt the very people they mean to help.

Here are ways to be a better LGBT ally during Pride Month and beyond, according to Beth Kohm, interim director of PFLAG, a national organization of LGBT allies.

Pride events: They're not about you

“Think of it as a wedding,” Kohm said. “The one thing guests should not do is overshadow the people getting married. If you were invited, it is because members of the LGBT community see you as an ally and appreciate your presence.”

At any LGBT space, realize that it’s your role above all to be supportive —  whether you get what’s going on or not, she said: “Know that while some expressions of Pride might not feel comfortable for you as an ally, it’s your role to help hold the space for people to be themselves.”

Take cues from LGBT folks on what’s appropriate for you, she added, and have fun.

Help make spaces safe for LGBT people

Attitudes are changing, but being LGBT still carries risks, Kohm noted, from everyday acts of exclusion to mass tragedies like last year's Pulse nightclub shooting. Allies can help LGBT people feel safer in shared spaces in ways both active and passive.

A pride item, like a rainbow flag at a workspace or a pin on a bag, goes a long way in signaling your presence as an ally, Kohm said. But speaking up when you hear or see discrimination is key.

“Don’t let it slide,” Kohm said. “Be willing to educate others when you hear something wrong.”

If someone comes out, ask these two questions

Don’t say you “always knew” or that you “suspected as much.” Simply express appreciation that they considered you a safe person to open up to, Kohm said, and then ask them two questions:

1.  “Are you out to anyone else?” Regardless of the answer, stay quiet with what you know. Making assumptions can lead to you outing someone by mistake.

2. “How can I help?” Show your feelings haven’t changed by offering your support. And then, of course, show it.

Google: An LGBT ally's friend

You don’t need to know everything to be an ally. But it’s your job to take initiative and follow up on topics you don’t understand, Kohm said.

“Perhaps it’s a word, like pansexual. A quick Google search can help with that,” she said. “Perhaps it’s an issue, like transgender military service. Research the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and everything that has happened since then.”

Or just read here:What does it mean to be pansexual?

Or here:Gender reveals: Insanely popular — and also outdated?

Lead with your allyship when LGBT topics arise

When LGBT topics come up, state up front that you’re an ally, Kohm said, letting those around you know you’re available as a resource and support.

“You can create conversations with visible signals like a bumper sticker, a button, or a social media campaign,” Kohm said. “You can create conversations by talking about what’s happening with the LGBT characters on your favorite TV show.”

Know how assumptions can hurt

We all make assumptions without even realizing it. A man with a wedding ring doesn’t always have a wife, for instance, but our brains make false connections before we can realize them. 

“Every time we assume that someone is straight and cisgender they have to make a calculation as to whether it is safe to come out,” Kohm said. “That can be stressful, distracting, and exhausting. Keeping assumptions in check and choosing to use inclusive language (like partner, spouse, or significant other) can make a huge difference.”
 

Follow Josh Hafner on Twitter: @joshhafner