While You Were Offline: James Comey Knows How to Make an Entrance

Hey, buddy. How you doin’? Are your social feeds holding up? Last week was a crazy one. Between Wonder Woman thinkpieces and the strangest political spectacle in some time, life came at everyone a little faster than normal over the last few days. So if some things slipped through your particular mental cracks that's totally understandable. That's why you're here, after all: To see what you might have missed over the past seven days. And take it from us, there was a lot. Your cheat sheet is below. Sit back, relax, and start to scroll.

What Happened: Ahead of last Thursday's public testimony, former FBI director James Comey released an eye-opening statement about his relationship with President Donald Trump.

What Really Happened: If it wasn't the UK general election—we'll get there eventually—then the biggest news story of the last seven days was probably fired FBI director James Comey's testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee, which covered his relationship with President Trump, the investigation into Russian influence on last year's presidential election, and, of course, Hillary Clinton's emails. However, a day before Comey sat down to spill some political beans, he released his opening statement online.

As one might expect, this was a big deal that got a lot of media attention. Meanwhile, Twitter couldn't help but get excited as well, for a number of reasons. Like, for example, the fact that, just as a piece of writing, it provoked much interest—even outside of what Comey was actually saying.

Meanwhile, some people seemed to think that it was perhaps a little too flowery:

While all this was going on, the GOP had a great way of distracting from what was actually being said.

Ethan Hawke?! Unsurprisingly, this distraction tactic didn't seem to work.

Well. At least they tried.

The Takeaway: You know, now that he's no longer running the FBI, James Comey might have a future writing spy novels.

What Happened: Paul Ryan had an interesting defense of the president's interactions with Comey. If, by "interesting," you mean, "not really convincing."

What Really Happened: So, if Comey's testimony is to be believed, it's possible the president did something unwise and/or unethical in his dealings with the former FBI director. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, it turns out, knows just how that could have happened, and guess what? It's not because Trump himself is unwise or unethical!

Well. That's certainly a take. Yeah, this will probably go over well. Twitter?

Unsurprisingly, the media couldn't stop itself from talking about this, either. And it would be a lie to say that they were any more impressed than the folks on social media.

That's not to say Ryan didn't have something he could look at to make himself feel better about the whole thing. After all, it's not as if people wondered about his health afterwards, like they did with Sen. John McCain. That's something, right?

The Takeaway: Maybe there's another way to illustrate just how strange an excuse "he didn't know any better" actually is in this scenario.

What Happened: As Britain went to the polls, a hashtag that originated for the Brexit vote reared its ugly head once more.

What Really Happened: With the United Kingdom's general election in full swing last Thursday, social media once again became concerned about the fact that pencil marks are not permanent.

The #UsePens hashtag was actually a revival of one that came about during the Brexit vote, when paranoia about vote détournement was a big concern. This time around, however, even the media coverage of the trend was different, with everyone realizing that, perhaps, just maybe, it's a conspiracy theory too far.

But in the end, look how it all turned out! That wasn't what polls had suggested earlier that day, so maybe there was something in this election that was cause for concern after all. (No, there wasn't.)

The Takeaway: Perhaps pens aren't enough, though? How deep does this conspiracy go?!

What Happened: A classification mistake on Netflix created a brand new icon for LGBTQ folks. Because of course it did.

What Really Happened: The origins of this wonderful thing start, of all places, on Netflix, which accidentally—or, at least, we presume it was accidentally—put a relatively unknown 2014 horror movie from Australia in a surprising category on its streaming service:

It might have just been a goofy sorting error, but soon the Babadook was eagerly adopted by the LGBTQ community:

Why was this happening? Of course, some people had theories:

Whatever the reason, boy, did it take off. The Babadook's new status made him more famous than ever before. Why, it won't be too long before he becomes a civil right icon.

Oh, right, that's happening already.

The Takeaway: Does this make up for canceling Sense8? Well, no. But it's better than nothing.

What Happened: Finally, someone is saying all those things that we couldn't bring ourselves to say for ourselves.

What Really Happened: This is a thing of simplicity and beauty. Midweek last week social media whiz Corey Kindberg made the following offer on Twitter:

Obviously, many folks were happy to send along all those things they just couldn't bring themselves to post. And as soon as the anonymous subtweets started to flow, they were glorious.

Who knew that people could be so snotty? Oh, wait. Everyone knew that.

The Takeaway: Seriously, the internet is mean.