1. When you're at a house party or BBQ and someone cracks out the guitar and sings an acoustic cover.
2. When you've just paid for something at a shop and you're struggling to put your money back in your purse and you think the person behind you is silently hating you.
3. When you're at someone else's house and you spill a drink.
4. When you're at your mate's house and you've said no to some food but you secretly want it.
5. When you have to cough on the toilet because you know your poop plop is going to be loud.
Sometimes I cough when I have big poo to cover up the sound of impact, just out of politeness.
6. When you're in a shop and wearing something that they sell there and you're hyperaware that they might assume you've stolen it.
7. And when you walk out of a shop and the alarm goes off and you know you didn't steal anything but you're already starting to imagine your life in prison.
8. When you've had to double flush and you are so scared that people outside the cubicle heard it and know exactly what went down in that cubicle.
A double flush from a toilet stall is similar to the rattle of a snake. Ignore the warning at your own peril.
9. When you eat smelly food on the train and you're worried everyone around you hates you.
11. When you're watching a film and someone does an awful English accent.
12. And when Americans think that everyone in Britain is this posh.
13. When you say thank you to an inanimate object.
I just said "thank you" to an automatic door
14. When you need to pay for something but you're not sure where the queue starts, so you just stand awkwardly around hoping you're in it.
15. When people are having full-blown arguments on the bus.
16. When you're at a nice meal with your family and they feel the need to talk about politics.
If I have learned anything in my years of life: Politics is not a pleasant family dinner conversation.
17. When you're waiting in a long queue at the supermarket and another cashier opens up and you need to work out whether to risk going to another till or staying true to the one you committed to.
18. And when you don't know when the right time is to separate your shopping on the conveyor belt.
19. When you're having a conversation with someone, and you didn't hear what they said, and then you didn't hear again when they repeated themselves so instead of asking again you just nod along with whatever the fuck they're saying.
20. When someone sits next to you on the bus then gets up and sits at another seat when it's free.
21. When the person next to you is asleep and your stop is next.
22. When you mistakenly think your headphones are plugged in.
Tell me anything more embarassing than thinking your headphones are plugged in but theyre not & your comp screams "PREVIOUSLY ON..."
23. When you're having a conversation in your head and then you realise that you've been pulling faces to go along with your inner dialogue and everyone could see.
24. When someone spits a little when talking and you both see it but can't speak of the incident.
25. And the worst of all, when you witness a public display of affection.
