Hi, hello, welcome. Let's travel back to a time when we were all still innocent. The day was June 15, 1994, and this cool new Disney movie called The Lion King was in theaters.
*NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABAAAAAAA* Five seconds in and my five-year-old self is already fucking SOLD on this movie. Look at these beautiful animals! This is going to be such a joyful family film experience!
Oh man, this movie already has more hugs than a VERY SPECIAL Full House episode. I am so ready for an hour and a half of pure joy.
These sexy lions are so fucking in love that nothing bad is ever going to happen again, I'm so certain of it.
"CHECK OUT THIS SMALL BABY LION EVERYONE."
TITLE CARD.
Anyways, we find out that SEXY LION MAN has a name and it's Mufasa. His brother Scar DGAF about Simba's mountain thrusting ceremony and Mufasa is not happy about it.
"Where the fuck were u bro?"
"Sry, I was busy eating mice and shit."
"I'm about to show you my damn teeth, Scar, that's how MAD I AM."
"LOOK AT MY TEETH BITCH."
"Dude, I totally showed him my teeth."
Anyways, time passes and we fast-forward to the day that Simba finds out he is literally lion royalty.
"Everything the light touches is our kingdom."
"Even that dark shadowy place?"
"What the fuck did I JUST say?"
Simba cannot take the hint that his uncle literally hates him even though he does absolutely nothing to hide it.
Then he goes off to sing a whole song about how much he can't wait for his dad to die.
"WE ARE ALSO VERY EXCITED FOR YOUR DAD TO DIE!"
Simba continues his streak of shitty behavior and goes to the LITERAL ONE PLACE Mufasa told him not to go.
Don't worry. Mufasa comes through to save him because Mufasa is THE BEST.
And Mufasa and Simba chill and it's totally normal. They're just going to keep having happy bonding time for the rest of this movie. It's gonna be so sweet!
Meanwhile, in the eerie green chemical portion of the mountains, Scar is up to no good.
Wait, he's not planning what I think he is...is he???
Things are not looking...good. But, would he really murder his own family? WOULD HE?!
Some amount of time has passed (not sure how much) and Scar is doing what he does best — fucking with Simba's head.
"Wait here, I promise nothing bad is going to happen."
SOMETHING. BAD. HAPPENS.
IT'S A FUCKING STAMPEDE.
"Hey Mufasa! Something really bad is happening RN that I totally had nothing to do with! Come quick!"
"I always come quick. Heh."
"But OMG I can't believe Simba is in grave danger again. It's almost like it's not a coincidence."
Mufasa, the brave hero that he is, dives straight into the middle of the stampede.
And with one bite he saves Simba from being crushed.
Then, he manages to get out of the stampede without being crushed...LIKE A BOSS.
"Can someone lend me a paw? I literally just jumped into the middle of a stampede and still survived."
Oh good. Scar's here. He'll end up doing the right thing, right? It's his own damn brother.
"FAMILY MEANS SHIT IF U DON'T HAVE POWER."
"Got your paws, bro."
"PULL ME UP OR I AM TELLING MOM."
"Nah."
And then Mufasa looks at his brother with so much pain in his eyes it is literally making me tear up just thinking about it. He is SO GOOD and SO PURE and his whole world is shattered because in this moment he's just been betrayed by his BLOOD RELATIVE.
And he falls...
And falls...
AND FALLS.
And Simba realizes what has happened and he's like, "Shit I didn't want you to actually die dad. It was just a catchy I WANT song. They're in ALL the Disney movies!"
Now it's about to get so painful, but we'll get through this together. Simba's like...maybe dad's just sleeping? This is what people look like when they sleep.
"DAD, YOU'RE JUST SLEEPING RIGHT?"
"DAD, THIS IS A REALLY MEAN PRANK."
And then the dark truth sets in, as it always does, and Simba realizes his father is really dead.
So he curls up next to his dad's lifeless body and it's honestly the most traumatic thing I've ever seen. In this moment we all collectively lost our innocence.
WHEN SIMBA CRIES WE ALL CRY.
And just when you think it can't get any worse, fucking SCAR comes and convinces Simba that he's responsible.
"But, I'm just an innocent and adorable cub child."
"Go away and never come back."
So Simba goes away.
He decides to live life according to Hakuna Matata with Timon and Pumbaa, which I'm pretty sure is code for "smokes a lot of weed."
And he turns into basically Mufasa 2.0 over the course of one INSTRUMENTAL BREAK.
A lot of stuff happens, but he's convinced to return to his home after he sees GHOST MUFASA in the sky. And he realizes that his father will always be alive in spirit and it's so beautiful. It's actually the only thing that makes Mufasa's death just a little less painful.
HE. IS. SHOOKETH.
Simba goes home, he defeats Scar, bla bla bla. And then we're right back where we started because THIS IS THE CIRCLE OF LIFE, DAMNIT...
