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WWE Monday Night Raw comes waltzing back into our lives tonight (Jan. 1, 2018) from the American Airlines Arena in Miami, Florida, featuring all the latest build to the upcoming Royal Rumble pay-per-view (PPV) scheduled for later this month in Philadelphia.
Advertised for tonight: Brock Lesnar returns, Samoa Joe challenges Roman Reigns for the Intercontinental championship, Enzo Amore vs. Cedric Alexander for the Cruiserweight title, and more!
Come right back here at 8 p.m. ET when the Raw live blog kicks off once the show starts on USA. It will be below this line here. (REMINDER: NO GIFS OR PICS ARE ALLOWED IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. OFFENDERS WILL BE BANNED.)
WWE RAW RESULTS AND LIVE BLOG FOR JAN. 1
Shiny diamonds, like the eyes of a cat in the black and blue; something is coming for you. Race for the morning, you can hide in the sun 'till you see the light. Oh we will pray it's all right, but right now I gotta liveblog this here pro wrestling show for you, folks.
The show opens with commentary hyping up tonight's proceedings, including an appearance from Brock Lesnar and Asuka vs. Alexa Bliss.
Speaking of the Raw Women's Champion we go backstage with her where she asks Kurt Angle what he was thinking. He wanted to start 2018 with a WrestleMania quality match, but Alexa objects to rewarding her bad behavior with a match. Angle says she's not going to change his mind and if she has a problem with Asuka she can settle it in the ring, and she should count herself lucky that it's not a title match... yet.
Angle's music hits and he takes his leave of her to make his entrance in the arena. He wishes us a Happy New Year and welcomes us to Raw before saying that 2017 was one of the greatest years of his career. But if you thought 2017 was great, 2018 will be even greater. In three weeks Raw has its 25th anniversary and right after that is the Royal Rumble.
Free agent John Cena has just declared his entry into the Royal Rumble. And then he gets to talking about the women's Royal Rumble match and says the same rules will apply for them as the men-- 30 women, over the top elimination, and the winner gets a title match at WrestleMania. Kurt expects Raw to win both matches but that's just him, and as far as tonight--
Enter the Bar. Sheamus asks him to forget about the Royal Rumble for a second because he wants to talk about the travesty that occurred last week when they were robbed of their tag titles. He gave a one-time team a title match? Cesaro says they can't stand favoritism and it wasn't bad enough that he gifted his son a chance at the titles with Seth Rollins as his partner but what he did after was just too much.
This cues a video clip of the finish to the match and the hug Angle gave his biological son Jason Jordan after his victory. Sheamus says seeing that makes him sick to his stomach and Cesaro says Jordan didn't deserve a title shot and so they want their rematch tonight. Kurt says they'll get their rematch when he says so and of course the Bar raise a fuss--
Enter Jason Jordan. He takes issue with the idea that he didn't deserve a shot since he won the titles and all. He says his dad doesn't understand the first thing about favoritism and his shot was based on his track record, not his DNA, and he and Seth earned the tag titles. Furthermore, if Cesaro keeps running his refurbished mouth he's gonna earn another trip to the dentist.
This gets Kurt on about settling differences in the ring and he makes Cesaro vs. Jordan for right now!
Seth Rollins makes his entrance before the match can begin, however, and he says they may be champs but he has a lot to learn about being a teammate. Lesson one, you see the pale Irish idiot with the stupid mohawk? Jason didn't even think about being outnumbered. What good does it do for them as a team if he gets jumped? You don't have to like your partner, but you do have to be professional and worry about what's good for him.
He tells Jordan he needs to stop being so self-absorbed. He came out here to brag to his dad and that meant that Rollins had to come down and defend what they've earned, so Seth'll be in his corner but as far as he sees it he's only here to watch him lose. As if to put the exclamation point on it, Cesaro blindsides Jordan as Rollins leaves the ring! Seth gives Jason some advice and we go to break before the match begins.
Cesaro vs. Jason Jordan
The match is in progress, Cesaro throwing uppercuts in the corner, whip across, up and over, Jordan off the ropes, floats over a slam attempt, drop down and a dropkick to the face gets him two. Shoulder thrusts in the corner, Swiss Superman with an uppercut to back him off, another, and he grounds Jason with a reverse chinlock. Out of the hold, whip reversed, Jordan counters the springboard corkscrew uppercut into a double leg stampede, corner to corner!
Sheamus runs interference, Jason hard into the post and Cesaro drops him with a chop block! Jordan struggles to his feet, Cesaro raining punches down and hooking the leg over the ropes to continue to lay damage in before dropkicking the knee! Slamming the leg over the apron, high five to the Celtic Warrior, back inside, headbutt to the knee and right into a kneeling leglock.
Jordan out with right hands, kicking Cesaro away but the Swiss Superman gets an uppercut to the back of the knee almost dragon screw style and keeps the pressure on, elbow drop into a legscissor, grinding the point of his elbow into Jason's knee. Clubbing blows get Jordan out of it and to his feet, trading punches and dropping the former champ with a lariat!
Hobbling to the ropes, back body drop puts Cesaro to the apron... and he takes Jason's leg out from under him with a chop block on the apron! Shinbreaker onto the apron follows and Jordan is screaming agony as we go to break.
Back from commercial, Cesaro knocks Jordan back to the floor with a baseball slide! Cesaro out after him, throwing him back in, uppercut gives way to stomps to the knee and a single leg crab, wrenching it back but Jason is able to turn around and try to escape when Cesaro clobbers him with a forearm! Upkicks on upkicks, Jordan finally kicks the Swiss Superman away!
He hobbles into an uppercut but doesn't fall, another, scoop slam lift, he floats out but lands on the bad leg and gets backed into the corner! Hobbling over to Cesaro, trying a suplex but he blocks by targeting the leg. Jason gets a belly-to-belly suplex off, another, only good for two! Shoulder thrust in the corner, thinking about the back suplex but Cesaro fights out so he settles for a northern lights suplex, rolling into a second and bridging on one leg... NOPE!
Again trying the back suplex but Cesaro hooks on the ropes to break and kicks his knee out from under him! Sheamus with a cheap shot, Cesaro gets two off a schoolboy pin and rolls right through into the half-crab again! Adding the other leg, Boston crab locked on but Jordan gets the ropes! Rollins attacks Sheamus and puts boots to him against the barricade and the distraction gives Jason a moment to capitalize...
Jason Jordan wins by pinfall with the back suplex neckbreaker.
Rollins and Jordan celebrate together, although Jason leaves Rollins hanging when he goes to raise his hand.
Roman Reigns is interviewed backstage about his Intercontinental Championship defense tonight. He says if you ask him, Samoa Joe got exactly what he deserved for hurting Dean Ambrose. Before he would have said Joe was a great opponent, but he's a punk and that's why he punked him out last week. This week won't be any different, ugly and intense, but he's going to stay inside the rules... he hopes.
Commentary hypes up Brock Lesnar's appearance for later tonight.
Bray Wyatt makes his entrance, he'll be in action after the break.
Back from commercial we get a promo from Sasha Banks about how her New Year's resolution is to win the women's Royal Rumble and go on to win the Raw Women's Championship at WrestleMania.
Apollo Crews vs. Bray Wyatt
Collar and elbow, Wyatt ramming Crews into the corner and breaking clean. Apollo ducks a lariat but gets put off by Bray bending all the way back out of the turnbuckles! Circling, Wyatt denies the lockup but gets caught with a side headlock, Bray breaks and throws hefty right hands, tossing Apollo to the apron after. He runs into a gamengiri, Crews with a slingshot sentont atomico and an elbow drop for one!
Back to the headlock, Wyatt shoots him off, he ducks a lariat but runs into a headbutt! Clubbing elbow to the back of the head, choking Crews over the ropes, drawing him back up for a forearm to the face, well in charge here as Titus O'Neil cheers him on. Apollo flips out of the corner, leapfrog, drop down, dropkick connects but it's only good for one!
Arm wringer to a whip, Wyatt puts him up and over to the apron, Crews climbs but gets cut off with a right hand and Bray hits a rope-hung shoulder jawbreaker on him! Circling, stomp to the hand, Wyatt intimidating Titus Worldwide at ringside as we go to break.
Back from commercial, Wyatt has Crews locked down with a reverse chinlock. Apollo to his feet, off the ropes and Bray wipes him out with that freight train crossbody block for two! Right hands, he throws Crews into the ropes and he comes off with a single leg dropkick! Low superkick, off the ropes, pump kick, duck a lariat, big leaping lariat into a kip-up and Apollo is fired up!
Standing shooting star press... NOPE! Slingshot to the apron, jump over the trip, kick to the face, moonsault off the apron! Back inside, Wyatt destroys him with a lariat and goes to the corner to hang out of it when Dana Brooke gets on the apron to shout encouragement at Crews! Bray takes notice of her and she plum falls off the apron in fright!
Apollo takes advantage, however, gamengiri, he's got the powerbomb set up but Wyatt reverses...
Bray Wyatt wins by pinfall with Sister Abigail.
Broken Matt Hardy cuts in and says last week he transformed Bray's fireflies into his Woken Warriors and now he'll devour the darkness he spews across WWE and convert it into light! He's the consumer of terrestial entities but he can't escape his woken wisdom for much longer because Matt is an omniscient ghost that haunts his dreams, and once Abigail's power is no more, he will delete Wyatt!
Hardy multiplies and makes noises before snapping back to being just one of himself and leaving his mouth agape.
Backstage, we see Nia Jax walking along when Alexa Bliss rolls up on her to ask if she'll be in her corner. Nia's sorry but Enzo Amore is laid up sick with the flu and he needs her, so she has to go. Alexa scoffs and says she needs her more and she can't believe she's being like this. She gives the ol' "It's him or me" ultimatum and Jax says her soup is getting cold and she leaves!
Commentary promises us Alexa's match against Asuka after the break.
Back from commercial, we get a house ad for Mixed Match Challenge.
Alexa Bliss vs. Asuka
Circling, Alexa ducks a shot and backs into the ropes! Back to circling, Asuka tries to go low but Bliss keeps her distance. Asuka with a wristlock, Alexa backs off like match and barely dodges a pair of spinning backfists! Waistlock applied, Asuka levers her arm out with ease, wristlock, Bliss stomps the foot to reverse to a hammerlock, reversed again.
Alexa gets a full nelson out of it for a moment, Asuka slips behind, waistlock to a front chancery, Bliss takes her back but Asuka grabs a kneebar and the champ frantically breaks! Cravate applied, shift to a side headlock but Alexa counters with a mat slam! Asuka right behind her, referee Rod Zapata backs her off when Bliss gets in the ropes, Asuka picks the leg, off the ropes with a shoulder block!
Front roll, taunting her, pass to the side, off the ropes, hip attack and Alexa heads outside for a breather! Bliss slowly makes her way back in and rolls immediately back out when Asuka nearly catches her as soon as she's in! Alexa begging off, again she makes her way back in and Asuka is right on her with a snapmare into a kick to the back!
Another hip attack, again, Bliss backed into the ropes and she gets a kick to the midsection off and heads outside again to send us to break.
Back from commercial and Bliss inexplicably has a bodyscissors locked on, in firm control. A recap explains that she got Asuka caught up in the ropes and fired a kick off that let her turn the tide. Back in realtime, Asuka reverses to an ankle lock and stands up! Alexa gets the break and manages to kick Asuka into the ropes and follows it up with a ringpost bow-and-arrow, continuing to target the ribs.
Back inside, clubbing blows, a cover gets two but Asuka's able to fight back with strikes, schoolboy pin gets two, Bliss gets a mat slam backbreaker off and gets some space! Mounted punches ensue, transitioning to elbow strikes, again a cover gets two! Back to the bodyscissors, Asuka fighting hard to break as Alexa yells at her to quit. The Empress of Tomorrow manages to turn around and gets caught in a guillotine choke!
Breaking the choke, reversing to a Kimura Lock, Bliss has the ropes and forces the break! Kicks follow, putting the boots to Asuka in the corner, charging in she fires off a slap that wakes her up and Asuka fires right back! More slaps and shoves, Asuka fired up, off the ropes, dropkick to the face, another, whip reversed, missile dropkick connects!
Charging hip attack in the corner, a snapmare, another hip attack lands true! Stalking behind her, waistlock applied, Bliss breaks with an elbow, she throws a kick but Asuka gets a hip toss lift into a kick to the face! Yoshi Tonic from the champ denied, countered to a pin... NOPE! Dropkick sends Asuka to the floor, Alexa tries to pull her back in and gets kicked in the face!
Asuka ducks a strike, reverse roundhouse and into the armbar takedown...
Asuka wins by submission with the cross armbreaker.
Commentary hypes up our Intercontinental Championship match and tosses to a video package covering the events leading up to it.
Samoa Joe is interviewed backstage and he says not to worry, he'll beat Roman Reigns like he has every other time they've wrestled. What people need to realize is that he owns and has mentally broken Roman. Not too long ago he was calling himself a fighting champion and the Shield were going to be great champions together, but because of him, they'll never be champions together and Dean is a stay at home husband living off his wife's paycheck.
Thanks to him, Roman is the kind of champion that gets himself disqualified, but tonight he's run out of options and time, so when he puts him to sleep and becomes the new Intercontinental Champion he'll have to understand it may be his yard, but he lives in Samoa Joe's world!
(RRROOOAAARRR!)
Braun Strowman makes his entrance, he'll have a match after the break.
Back from commercial, Bayley gets her Royal Rumble promo, officially entering and promising that after she wins she'll hug her way to WrestleMania.
Braun Strowman vs. Rhyno
Collar and elbow, Braun shoves Rhyno away! The Man-Beast circles, collar and elbow and again he's shoved into the corner, this time Heath Slater taking a moment to strategize with him. Rhyno goes behind, side headloch, shot off and knocked down right away! Strowman follows with a boot and again Heath cheers his pal on, raising the monster's ire.
Braun heads out and gets a microphone and tells Slater he's got two options, either he stays on the floor and shuts his mouth or he gets in the ring and gets these hands like his partner! Slater gets on the apron but Rhyno blindsides Braun! Heath joins in, they club away at him but Braun shoves Slater away and freight trains both guys in opposite corners! He hoists Rhyno up...
Braun Strowman wins by pinfall with the running powerslam.
Braun goes in for another and Slater tries to make the save! Leg lariat swatted away, Strowman hoists the One Man Band up on his shoulder... running powerslam! The crowd wants one more and he's happy to oblige them, hitting a second running powerslam on Rhyno! And a second for Slater too! Rhyno begins to get up... AND STROWMAN PUTS HIM BACK DOWN! Heath can't even TRY to get away before he takes his third!
We go into the locker room with Roman Reigns when Seth Rollins rolls up. He says he heard what Joe said a minute ago and he wants to make sure Reigns keeps his cool. Roman says he's cool but Samoa's a fool, still running his mouth. He's a jokesman and he hopes Dean is watching tonight because you do not mess with their brother.
Jason Jordan rolls in to say they're focused on the Bar, and if they try to interfere, they will take them out. Believe that. Reigns and Rollins contemplate the egg he just dropped and we go to break.
Back from commercial, Braun is walking backstage when he runs into Kane. Kane puts his hands up in the universal sign of "I don't want trouble" and says as strange as it is for him, he just wants to talk about Brock Lesnar. He's never wrestled him but Strowman has, and they're the alpha monsters of WWE. Together they can tame the Beast and he has a plan, it just takes being on the same page.
Braun says he doesn't care about Kane or his plan, he's the only alpha monster around here, and when he takes Brock down, he'll do it on his own terms. Kane backs away.
Kurt Angle is on the phone talking with somebody about the women's rumble and says one thing's for sure, history WILL be made, when Finn Balor rolls up. He wanted to tell Angle in person that he's the first Universal Champion and never got his rematch, so if it means going through 29 other guys he will, and he enters himself into the Royal Rumble.
Angle says he's sure Finn will represent Raw well but he's sure he had something else on his mind, namely a six-man against Miztourage and Elias. Balor introduces his partners... the Club! He's been with them and against them, and if it wasn't them, who would it be? A couple of nerds, that's who.
Samoa Joe makes his entrance, he'll wrestle Roman Reigns for the Intercontinental Championship after the break.
Back from commercial, Booker T criticizes Corey Graves on his Korean pronunciation.
Roman Reigns (c) vs. Samoa Joe (WWE Intercontinental Championship)
Joe right in, ducks a lariat and throws jabs, backing Reigns into the ropes! Overhead elbow in the corner, knee to the midsection, more jabs, and referee John Cone warns him to back off. Big slicing rights from the champion, boots of his own in the corner and again Cone has to maintain the peace. Right hands, pulling him out of the corner, but they end up in the next one and again the ref backs them off.
Samoa with a back suplex, the cover nearly does it then and there! Elbows, a snap suplex, and the Big Dog heads to the floor for a breather and to send us to break.
Back from commercial, Joe is in control but Reigns gets to his feet and breaks with elbows. Off the ropes, run over with a back elbow, Samoa gets two on the cover and continues to stick on with a variety of strikes. Suplex denied, Roman reverses to one of his own, but Joe sidesteps the charge and the champion's shoulder takes the post hard! Overhand chops to the back of the neck, a top wristlock follows, really wrenching it in and keeping the Big Dog grounded.
To his feet, out with right hands, a big slicing right and a lariat, another lariat, whip reversed into a short-arm punch and Joe hits the corner elbow / enzuigiri combo for a nearfall! Choking him over the middle rope, elbows in the corner, and a hammer whip follows, shaking the ring! Jab on the mat, rising to his feet, another hammer whip, jawing at the champion.
Snapmare, into a kneeling half Japanese stranglehold, Reigns flags and fades but doesn't fail, eventually posting to his feet and throwing body blows. Joe with another hard whip but Roman comes back hard with a leaping lariat to get himself some breathing room! Corner lariats ensue, leaving Samoa stumbling and open for the Mafia kick! Joe falls to the floor and Reigns follows around... DRIVE-BY!
Back inside, the cover gets two, right hands in the corner, referee John Cone backs him off again and Joe puts him on the apron, a body avalanche sends Roman to the floor... SUICIDE ELBOW! Cone counts... THEY BEAT THE COUNT! And so we go to break once again.
Back from commercial, Joe is in charge and throwing hands. He draws Reigns back up and knocks him down with a headbutt. Rising back to his feet, fighting mat, they slug it out and Roman gets a nearfall out of the exchange! Prowling in the corner, he calls for the Superman Punch... but Samoa heads to the floor and leaves him hanging. Up the steps, he goes for it... AND JOE CATCHES HIM IN THE THROAT!
Samoa smashes Roman's head into the steps, saying each shot in turn is for the Shield, for Dean, for last week before breaking the count! Whip reversed, Joe takes the steps hard! The Big Dog pulls the steps apart as Cone slides out to warn him and remind him of the stipulation of the match! Samoa punches him in the side of the neck but Reigns uses the steps for the Superman Punch!
Back in the ring, another Superman Punch connects... NOPE! Fired up, calling for the spear... Joe counters with a kick! Rock Bottom clutch, Reigns fights out with elbows, Joe shoves him away... AND HE RUNS INTO REFEREE JOHN CONE BY ACCIDENT! He tries to talk sense into Cone and Joe charges, necessitating that he shove John aside and Samoa takes advantage, huge Rock Bottom... NOT ENOUGH!
The Big Dog draws himself up while Joe argues with the referee, he's got a slap for his challenger but a second is ducked and the Coquina Clutch is on! Roman throws him off...
Roman Reigns wins by pinfall with the spear, retaining the WWE Intercontinental Championship.
Reigns celebrates with the title, and we cut backstage to Kurt Angle watching on a monitor when Paul Heyman rolls up. Paul says surely Angle knows there's a conspiracy going on under his watch right now, and if Braun Strowman and Kane gang up on his client, Lesnar will be proactive, not reactive. He adds that 2018 will be the Year of the Beast and we go to break.
Back from commercial, Paige and Absolution get some promo time to issue a warning for the Royal Rumble, saying that they're the only three women in the match that will matter.
Commentary hypes up tomorrow night's 205 Live by promising us Hideo Itami vs. Jack Gallagher.
Drew Gulak and Ariya Daivari are in the ring. Gulak introduces himself and says he's been sent to deliver a very important message straight from the cruiserweight champion, Enzo Amore. Drew begins reading the note, and it's Enzo's usual schtick but of course he puts his straight-laced spin on it. Amore says he's not doing so great and has the flu, therefore he won't be defending the title tonight.
Enzo's note promises that he would have wiped the floor with Cedric Alexander and in fact wishes he was here to tell him what he thinks of him, and of course this brings Cedric out. He says he came here expecting a title match and for competition, but since Enzo is "sick", which one of them will be stepping up in his place? Drew and Ariya have a huddle and talk it over.
Gulak says they'd happily oblige, but in a tag team match. Daivari says it'll be the two of them against Alexander and anyone who walks down that ramp, but they both know he doesn't have a lot of friends around here, so good luck on somebody coming down. It's Goldust! He gets in the ring and says he has some friends in low places but none lower than Gulak and Daivari.
He offers his friendship and Alexander gladly takes it! We have a match!
Cedric Alexander & Goldust vs. Zo Train (Ariya Daivari & Drew Gulak)
Daivari and Alexander to start, Ariya gets a wristlock but Cedric reverses to an arm wringer. Whip reversed, roll through, backflip Frankensteiner to a dropkick and kip-up! Daivari puts Alexander into the turnbuckles face-first before grabbing a rear chinlock. Cedric gets out, gets a back elbow for separation... tags made! Goldust ducks a lariat, throws one of his own, whipped but he gets a bulldog headlock and punches to Gulak's face!
Bulldog follows out of the corner, he knocks Ariya to the floor and beats on Drew in the corner! Whip, snap scoop powerslam, Manhattan Drop on Daivari, Goldy heads up top... TURNING CROSSBODY TAKES THE ZO TRAIN OUT! Tag to Alexander, he comes in with a diving double lariat, Gulak whips Goldust off, gets caught by the sliding slap, Cedric is ready...
Cedric Alexander & Goldust win by pinfall with Lumbar Check from Alexander on Drew Gulak.
The Club is walking backstage to send us to break.
Back from commercial, commentary reminds us that John Cena has entered the Royal Rumble as a prelude to some general hype for the show.
Elias is in the ring to sing us a song, saying after what he did to John Cena last week, one thing remains true-- WWE stands for "walk with Elias", which means that Raw is his show, the WWE Universe is his universe, and that he launches into his usual introductory schtick from there. He pledges to win the Royal Rumble and main event WrestleMania, but as far as tonight goes, he brought in the new year with some incredible artists but now he gets to perform with two very talented musicians...
Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel step out of the shadows with some percussion instruments. Bo is playing the cowbell and dedicates the song to their hero, who will be returning to Raw next week, the A-Lister, Rolling Stone's superstar of the year, the Miz! They launch into a halting version of Auld Lang Syne before kind of abandoning ship awkwardly.
Elias thanks them and says he'll take it from here and begins his usual song about how much wherever Raw is sucks before getting cut off by Omen in the Sky.
Finn makes his entrance as well, but the match will have to wait for after the break.
Elias & the Miztourage (Bo Dallas & Curtis Axel) vs. the Club (Finn Balor, Karl Anderson, & Luke Gallows)
The match is in progress, Axel in control on Balor, punishing him in the corner, snapmare to a running neck snap, tag to Elias. Right hand and a whip, Finn tries to come back but the Drifter is on him, putting boots to him in the corner and getting a nearfall out of it. Kneeling armbar applied, Balor fighting, back to his feet, he picks the leg and gets a double stomp off!
Tags made, Gallows runs Dallas over with lariats and knocks Curtis down. Big knee for Bo, Stinger splash and a big boot! Off the ropes, big splash gets two and Elias pulls him off. Anderson sends the Drifter back outside and Big Hoot lands a superkick! Tag to Machine Gun, tag to Finn, Magic Killer connects and Balor perches up top...
The Club win by pinfall with Coup de Grace on Bo Dallas.
The Club celebrate with Too Sweets all around.
Commentary promises us Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman, after the break.
Back from commercial, commentary hypes up Miz's return for next week.
Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar make their entrance and Paul does his usual introductory schtick. He kvetches about Lesnar having to defend against challengers, plural, again and does an old-timey ring announcement bit for a singular challenger and says at the Royal Rumble it's Beast vs. Monster vs. Machine and we all know the trick, if Braun beats Kane, Brock loses the title.
If Kane beats Strowman, Lesnar loses the title. Note that he never said "if someone beats Brock Lesnar" because we all know that ain't gonna happen. Spoiler: Brock will successfully defend the Universal Championship at the Royal Rumble. Heyman knows commentary always talks about the odds changing but in his opinion, the odds of Lesnar retaining are always 100%.
He puts Brock over as the most dominant champion in history and says Lesnar doubts Kane is the devil's favorite. Paul has actually spoken to Satan, you see, and the devil is actually a big Brock Lesnar fan. They go to take their leave but Kane shows up... and chokeslams the champion! He's upset that they don't think he's actually the devil's favorite and he goes to take his leave when Lesnar sits up!
CACTUS CLOTHESLINE WITH THE TITLE AND THE LOCKER ROOM EMPTIES TO BREAK THEM APART!
The roster drags Kane back through the entrance and Brock stands tall with the title.
That's the show, folks.