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Relationships
Loving vs. Judging: How to Keep Your Romance Alive
Want to retrieve the “warm fuzzies” missing from your relationship? Here’s how.
Posted April 26, 2017
Most people readily admit that the most exciting time of their relationship occurred very early—during courtship. And doubtless, nothing quite compares to the freshness, novelty, and intriguing uncertainty of that so fascinating, and almost mystical, state of romance. The more committed, domesticated stage hardly need conform to the cynical cliché, "familiarity breeds contempt." Still, making a relationship “customary” almost always leads to a certain disenchantment. And in various ways such an awakening to the mundane can’t help but compromise the relationship’s original charm.
Having made this concession—that much of the initially ecstatic feeling of romance must inevitably fade—there’s one thing about this near-idyllic state that doesn’t have to. And regrettably, it’s rarely emphasized in the literature. This incredibly powerful, and more sustainable element of endearment, is one that very few couples are conscious of. It’s also one that virtually no couple is automatically “programmed” to accomplish. But as my title should suggest, if partners are to realize the deepest, most gratifying benefits of their union—mental, emotion, physical, and spiritual—it’s absolutely crucial.
Let me elaborate. Intuitively (as opposed to intellectually), romantically loving couples seem to grasp the concept that if they’re to continue co-creating their exhilarating attachment, they must conscientiously resist any temptation to criticize the other. And in such instances, what that amounts to is “unconditional loving”—possibly the (non-erotic) essence of romance. And, in such an enthusiastic state, it’s comparatively effortless for them.
After all, if they want to endear themselves to the one who’s become so endearing to them, the last thing they’ll be inclined to do is judge, or negatively evaluate, their partner. On the contrary, during courtship both of them will focus on pleasing the other and making them feel emotionally safe. And that means listening and responding caringly; demonstrating affection and admiration; showing kindness, consideration, compassion, trust, and respect; and so on. In a word, they’ll focus their attention on making each other feel special.
It’s as though what neither partner received, or received enough of, in growing up is finally happening. So, of course, it leads to the “warm fuzzies”—to the most uplifting feelings of elation. In a sense, it’s a childhood fantasy come true: Being accepted (embraced, even!) for who, by nature, they are. In the rarefied space of their amorous relationship, they’re not obliged to meet any parental demands in order to be approved of, or avoid being frowned upon, rebuked or reprimanded.
The one thing that most threatens a child’s indispensable bond to their caretakers is criticism. For being criticized is experienced inwardly as an invalidation; an attack on one's selfhood. It hardly matters whether that adverse judgment is verbal or physical. It’s still destabilizing and anxiety-evoking. It may well be that—at a deep, subliminal level—partners in a far more safe, romantic relationship recognize that the hidden purpose of their relationship is to heal as yet unresolved childhood wounds. And these are hurts originating from their parents’ inability to provide them with unconditional love (see Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want, revised ed., 2007).
To accomplish this pivotal relationship “cure,” both parties are required either to accept all of their partner’s personality, or at least keep their less endearing qualities from ever claiming the center of attention. They need to adjust their internal lens so these less lovable aspects remain (blissfully) out of focus. For it’s this scrupulously cultivated (though largely unconscious) illusion of “just rightness” that, in fact, contributes most to their ability to perceive their relationship as singular; precious; invaluable.
Undeniably, your partner will display traits you’d never independently choose: features you might find distasteful, or downright annoying (such as their tendency to procrastinate, be disorganized, ask too many questions, be overly analytical, etc.). Yet even their limitations, weaknesses, or quirks are easily enough accommodated when—in the all-accepting romantic phase—you’re prompted to fix your “spotlight” on their more attractive qualities.
The problem, of course, is that once you’ve “secured” the relationship, once you’ve succeeded in winning the other’s heart, your critical caretakers of old—and how many of us actually had parents who weren’t frequently critical of us?!—make the previously inaudible noise inside your head start clashing like cymbals. And your having, unawares (like all the rest of us), internalized these judgmental phantoms of your past makes you all-too-vulnerable to their former, everlasting requirements. These no longer adaptive parts of your brain remain intent on harassing you for everything related to their negative evaluations of you in the first place.
In consequence, whenever your partner does something similar to what might compel your “inner parents” to criticize you, you feel compelled to criticize them. And so your earlier unconditional love for them—now made conditional—spells the death of romance. For you’re not simply judging your partner inside your head; you’re now vocalizing your frustrations with them, stating loudly and clearly what you don’t like about them.
. . . and so, typically, do they with you.
This is the biggest part of what’s familiarly known as the power struggle—a relational stage that I believe is universal. And it’s the period that signals the end of romantic love. Now each of you sets about trying to change whatever in your partner’s behavior makes you uncomfortable. And this new pattern of negatively judging them—not just for what they’re doing but, indeed, for who they are—must degrade the positive relational focus that actually functioned to engender your romance. What had once been so unutterably sweet now begins to turn sour.
. . . So what’s to be done?
Since we’re all mixed bags, we’re doomed to disappoint our partner (and here, see my post: “The Package That Is Sam, Sue . . . and All the Rest of Us”). The answer to this age-old relationship problem isn’t to suppress all negative feelings toward our partner. That never works. For what’s, by force, intentionally held down must at some point spring back up once such ever-mounting internal pressure can no longer be contained. And this is why I’ve written so much about either learning to appreciate, and accept, the hard-core personality differences that will forever exist between you, or expressing your gripes and grievances in a non-attacking way that doesn’t elicit your partner’s defenses.
And that’s another subject altogether. Because—in so many of my previous writings—I’ve discussed (1) the how’s of avoiding or mitigating relational conflict, and (2) the ways of growing or renewing love in marriage, I’ll very selectively include below citations to these complementary posts. But what I wish to emphasize here is that judging and loving just don’t—can’t—go together. So when your relationship is burdened by seemingly irresolvable discord, it’s safe to say that your disagreements contain abundant amounts of (probably mutual) criticism.
If, therefore, you want to recover some of the loving fondness that’s been lost between you, it’s essential to learn how to deal much more effectively with your (inevitable) differences. That will pave the way for you to once again offer your partner the unconditional love and acceptance that originally made you a couple. And which, sadly, may now be missing.
Previous posts of mine that expand on the points I’ve been making here, as well as provide specific remedies for these difficulties, include the following:
“What’s the Key Imperative for Lasting Love?”
“What Makes Romance So Romantic (and So Doomed)?”
“Couples—When Is the Last Time You Visited Your “Joy Museum”?
“Don’t Just Salvage Your Relationship—Recreate It!”
“6 Ways to Recreate, Not Just Salvage, Your Relationship”
“3 Reasons Why Couples Have the Same Fights Over and Over”
“Want to Avoid Blow-Ups With Your Partner? Here’s How”
“In Relationship, Understanding—Not Agreement—Is Key. Why?”
“One Marriage = Two Realities”
“4 Essential Rules for Approaching Couples Conflict”
“Couples Agreeing to Disagree: What’s It Really About?”
“How to Optimize Your Relationship: The 70/70 Compromise”
“Compromise Made Simple: Seven Handy Tips for Couples”
“Stop Criticizing Your Mate—Re-Learning What You Once Knew”
“Criticism vs. Feedback—Which One Wins, Hands Down?” (Parts 1 & 2)
“Anger—How We Transfer Feelings of Guilt, Hurt, and Fear”
If you could relate to this post and think others you know might also, please consider forwarding its link.
To check out other posts I’ve done for Psychology Today online—on a broad variety of psychological topics—click here.
© 2017 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
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