How to React when a Companion Spends the Entire Time on Their Phone

Co-authored by Tiffany Douglass, MA

Last Updated: September 24, 2021 References

Whether you’re out on a date or trying to have fun with a friend, it feels disheartening when your companion checks out to look at their phone. Tackling the issue can help you get more out of your time with the ones you care about. By talking to them, planning ahead, and dealing with frequent problems, you can best manage a companion who likes to check their phone when you’re together.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Talking to Them

1
Point out the issue you’re seeing. Identify what your friend or partner is doing and let them know how it makes you feel. It is easy to feel snubbed if your companion checks their phone rather than engaging with you. That said, they may not even realize they are doing it. Give your companion an opportunity to realize their mistake.^{[1]
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- You could say, “I noticed you’re scrolling through your phone. That makes me feel like you’d rather not be at lunch right now.”
- Expressing concern can also be a subtle way to do this: “You’ve been looking at your email for a while. Is everything okay?”
2
Use humor to diffuse the situation. Shooting your companion a text message or giving them a phone call lets them know in a direct but funny way that you’d like their attention. It brings into sharp focus that the purpose of a phone is to contact people who are not present. With luck, you’ll both laugh and your friend will put their phone away.^{[2]
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- Send a text message saying, “Hey, I’m right here!” or “Want to hang out?” with a winky emoji.
- Call them and say, “Oh, hi. Do you come here often?”
3
Use the complaint sandwich technique. People are usually more receptive to negative feedback if you deliver your complaint between two positive statements (a “complaint sandwich”).^{[3]
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Research source} Start with a positive statement that will encourage your friend or partner to listen to you. Deliver your complaint in an earnest way. And then close with another positive or empathetic statement.^{[4]
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- To complain about your partner’s usage you might say, “I really appreciate how hard you work at the hospital. Sometimes all the calls from your resident at night really interrupt our alone time together, though. I love you so much. Can we make a plan to meet your needs at work and mine at home?”
- To complain about your friend’s usage you might say, “I know it’s been a really difficult break up with John. But your checking his Facebook page while I’m trying to have lunch with you is making me feel ignored. Can we enjoy our sandwiches without our phones, and then talk through any difficult feelings you’re having?”
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Planning Ahead

1
Pick a designated moment to check your phones. Ahead of time, plan 5 minutes during your date or outing when you and your companion will check your phones. It can be helpful to select a moment of transition form one activity to another. Doing this allows your companion to know they will have time set aside to address any important communications that come up, putting them at ease for the rest of the outing.
- To a romantic partner you might say, “I really want to focus on each other tonight. Can we leave our phones in the car during dinner? We can check them before we drive to the movies to make sure work hasn’t called you.”
- To a coworker you might say, “Can we sideline our phones for the meeting? Let’s give each other our undivided attention to discuss the proposal. We can check for new messages on the way to the client luncheon.”
- You can even adjust your notification settings so you aren't getting constant social media pings.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Tiffany Douglass, MA
  Founder, Wellness Retreat Recovery Center
  
  Expert Interview. 10 March 2020.}
Certain activities are not conducive to checking phones because you need both hands to do them. If your partner or friend has a consistent problem with checking their phone, try mobile-unfriendly activities, such as rock climbing or canoeing, to get more quality time when you hang out. You may even get extra enjoyment doing something out of the ordinary together.
3
Select a date where there won’t be disturbances. If your partner or friend’s phone interruptions are largely tied to a specific work schedule, try scheduling your hangouts on other days. This will help you have a more productive friendship or relationship.
- For example, if your partner or friend is a social worker who is always on call on Tuesdays, let’s say, schedule outings on other days so your companion can better balance their work needs with your social ones.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with Frequent Problems

1
Agree to leave your phones out of reach for an activity or meal. If your partner or friend has intermittent issues with phone checking, agree ahead of time not to use your phones for a lunch or date you’ve agreed to. This sets up clear expectations about what kind of time you want to have together. It’s important that you, too, adhere to any requests you make with regards to electronics, so your companion feels equally respected.^{[6]
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- To a friend, you might say, “I’ve really been looking forward to hearing about your trip. Can we put our phones away while we catch up? I’d love to see your photos once we’re finished with our lunch.”
2
Keep track of patterns to address recurrent issues. If your partner or friend has a consistent phone issue, casually keep track of their usage patterns over a given week. Note the time of day, day of the week, and the type of activity or communication that distracts your partner. Find a good time to let your companion know what you’ve observed. Suggest that you’d like to set some boundaries for phone use in your relationship because the current arrangement is not working for you.
- You might say to a boyfriend, “I love hanging out with you, but your phone usage when we’re together has really become a problem for me. I’d love to continue seeing you, but only if we don’t use our phones when we’re on dates. If that’s not possible, I’ll have to move on.”
- To a friend, you might say, “I love running together, but it’s really distracting to my training when you’re texting on the phone. I’d love to continue our regimen, but only if we agree not to use our phones while we work out. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to train with Sue from now on.”
3
Get help if the issue is constant. If a good friend or spouse exhibits troubling symptoms with their phone use, it may be helpful to consult a professional therapist. Symptoms to look for include excessive phone use that has caused them to jeopardize their job or relationship; withdrawal symptoms when they cannot use their phone; or persistent failed attempts to use their cellphone less often.^{[7]
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- A therapist can help you sort out phone use in your relationship or provide support to your companion who is struggling with an addiction to their phone.
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