I have always known this bit would be hard

As we countdown to Tilda’s birthday

And the birth of our last baby

Lost babies and last babies

Are a powerful recipe for emotional turmoil

Throw my living children into the mix

The fact I am housebound without a car

Have not a penny to my name

And I feel quite a lot like I am going crazy

I have been wary of writing this post

In case one of my friendly readers

Decided to call the NSPCC

But today is London Marathon Day

And inspired by the Heads Together campaign

I know that it is #okaytosay

It is more than okay

It is what we all need to do

Talking is healthy

Recognising our issues and facing them is healthy

Grief is never going to be easy

And pretending that all is a okay

Is not going to do anyone any good

So here I am

Two sleeps away from being 38 weeks pregnant

And I am struggling

Once again circumstances have found a way

Of making things harder than they need to be for David and I

David says we do it to ourselves too

The easy thing to do

Would be send the children to school

For David to get a 9 to 5 job

But instead we homeschool

David runs his own business

And sometimes the combination of those

And random things

Like rats writing off my car

Come together and strike us down

But do you know what we always get back up

And soldier on

And the good far outweighs the bad

Most days

Most days

This week has been tough

And the next week will be too

May is coming

The month of our Matilda Mae

That will soon be shared in some way

By our Sprinkle of Stardust

I have always known that this time would be hard

It has come around so fast

I wrote this on Facebook this morning

Which quite neatly sums up how I feel

I am feeling very trapped at the moment. My car was written off by troublesome rats chewing through the wires so I cannot get out and about. David has his car but we cannot all fit in it. I literally cannot leave my house and it is so frustrating. Because I can only drive automatic and David’s car is manual I cannot take the children to their classes. Thankfully David and his Mum are able to help out but I just feel useless. I have less than two weeks til baby comes and I am in a position where I cannot have any time to myself, something I am feeling like I would really like at the moment. I cannot go shopping for Tilda’s party, I cannot take any of the children anywhere, I cannot do anything. It is lovely living in the countryside apart from when you have no vehicle. Our village does not have a shop, the park is not safe for young children as it has not been updated since the 70s. I have tried very hard to be patient but this morning my patience is waning fast. David has taken the twins swimming and I am at home with Bea, she wants to play and I just want to have some time. The only way I can make time for myself is by ignoring my children. Which is obviously not possible to do. I am coming up to the toughest part of this pregnancy as we count down to baby’s due date and Tilda’s birthday which are only days apart. We are having a party a week today for Tilda and so David is spending every spare minute doing work on the garden and the house. I am feeling very on my own and very emotional. People say that grief gets easier with time but it really doesn’t. Every year there is a new aspect of losing Tilda to deal with, a new milestone she has missed, a new sibling she should be waiting to meet, a new obstacle or hurdle for David and I to cross. Each year our grief is different but 4 years on from losing our baby girl and it is not easier.

Rubbish!

But tomorrow is a new day

Bea is at preschool in the morning

Which means I can do some fun learning with Esther and William

They want to learn about the water cycle and life cycles

We made a start today with books

So will do some practical science and craft tomorrow

While Bea is away

I have a growth scan on Wednesday

The last one

Hopefully this will not throw up any issues

And then we can just countdown to induction day

Pregnancy wise

I am feeling okay really

I was at the midwife on Wednesday

My hb levels are back up to 11

(Thank you Spatone)

So I can stop worrying so much about needing a blood transfusion

The midwife thinks that baby is 3/5 engaged

Which would fit with how I am feeling

Lots of pressure low down

And movements seem much lower than before

On Wednesday I had a few tightenings

And felt very off

Just unable to concentrate on anything

I lost my appetite

And was quite worried that she might be coming then

With the worry there was also excitement

As now we are term I am just desperate to meet our little girl

And to have her here safely in my arms

The feeling passed though

And all day Thursday I was fine

Then on Friday I think the baby dropped lower again

And in doing so knocked my back out

Which meant that I was struggling to stand up straight

Or to walk

I was not very mobile at all

And again wondered if things were beginning to happen

But I think that a lot of both days

Was just wishful thinking

Here I am on Sunday evening

Still full of baby

If anything she feels higher up than she has been

And the pressure seems to have eased

Even so I have now updated my birth plan

Added an extra couple of things to my hospital bags

Sorted out the car seat for bringing our lady home

And I feel like I am ready

These last few weeks

The waiting game is just awful

And with Tilda’s birthday

And her party

In the midst of the countdown

I am finding it very hard to relax

I have not taken any bump photos recently

Mostly because I have not left the house

So have been slobbing in leggings and baggy tops

I will try to get a few pretty pictures this week

Before it is too late

And my last ever bump is gone

One thing all the physical affects of this week

Have cemented in my mind

Is that this is my last pregnancy

That this little girl will be our last baby

I just hope that within all the chaos of our wonderful life

I am able to find some time to enjoy her

What a rambly ranty post

Thank you so much if you have read to the end

Please please stick with me for the next couple of weeks

I think I am going to need some virtual hands to hold

If not some shoulders to cry on

I am really looking forward to Tilda’s party on Sunday

Though we still have so much to do to be ready for it

I do love a barn dance

And I do so love people coming together to remember and honour our baby girl

Our forever baby who next week would be turning 5

I have always known this bit would be hard

As we countdown to Tilda’s birthday

And the birth of our last baby

Lost babies and last babies

Are a powerful recipe for emotional turmoil