How to Answer Awkward Questions About Your Autism

Written by Luna Rose

Last Updated: September 16, 2021 References

Autism can be a confusing subject for non-autistic people, and when you decide to share the news, they may put their feet squarely into their mouths. It's rarely personal, but it can be frustrating, perplexing, or even insulting. Here is how to respond with grace.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Handling Questions Well

1
Take a deep breath. It is normal to pause in conversation, especially if you need a moment to collect your thoughts. There is no pressure to answer right away.
2
Assume the best. Most people who ask awkward questions do not mean to confuse or upset you: they genuinely do not understand autism, manners, or both. If what they said was insulting, they may not have realized it.
- A well-meaning person will use a casual or inquisitive tone, and wait patiently for a response. They will act normal because they don't know it's awkward.
- Sometimes it takes a moment for them to realize this is awkward. If this is the case, they might blush, grimace, smile, fidget, or avoid eye contact. (Many non-autistic people show embarrassment this way.)
- A mean person will use a patronizing or sarcastic-sounding tone of voice. They might tilt their head back to look down at you. You might feel belittled.
3
Decide what sort of response you want to give. This depends on both your own preferences and the type of question it was.
- An honest answer always works (whether it's an infodump or an "I don't want to talk about it.")
- A joke might work for a loved one you like to joke with. It can also defuse serious rudeness.
- A sarcastic response can work for people who are being rude on purpose, or who don't care if they're rude. (Be aware that some people don't understand sarcasm.)
4
Decline to answer any question if you don't know how to answer, or if you plainly don't want to answer the question at that particular time. State that you'd rather not say, and refocus the conversation. Most people will realize their comment was unwanted, and will move on.
- "I'm not sure how to answer that."
- "That's an odd question. Anyhow, a corner seat would help me focus."
- "I'd rather not talk about that. Did you see the soccer game?"
5
Don't worry too much about it. You are not burdened with the responsibility of teaching everyone about autism. If someone is mean, or you fumble, or they just don't get it, it's okay.
- If you worry a lot about it, consider getting screened for anxiety or telling a therapist. Many autistic people experience heightened anxiety levels ranging from mild to severe.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Scripting Useful Responses

Answering awkward questions is usually difficult. When you're autistic and may have trouble with processing speech, generating spontaneous speech, or being put on the spot, it can be even more difficult. These scripts may help you.

1
Handle assumptions about functioning labels with grace. Despite the negative implications, most people who use functioning labels truly don't understand that they can hurt. Here are some ways you can respond:
- "Yes, some days I am high-functioning. And you?"
- "Actually, I don't like to label myself like that."
- "Bold of you to assume I function at all."^{[1]
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  Research source}
- "Yes, well, you've never seen me cry in a grocery store."^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
2
Handle comments that you "don't look very autistic" with care. Sometimes this is said because the person is confused. If it is intended as a compliment, then it comes at the expense of other autistic people, so you might feel insulted on behalf of your peers. Keep in mind that even though it is very rude, the person probably doesn't mean any harm, so a calm dismissal or redirection is usually best.
- "Well, I'm an autistic person, so this is what an autistic person looks like."
- "Autistic people are very diverse."
- "Yes, I like to confuse my prey that way."
- "Actually, science shows that autistic people tend to have bigger eyes, shorter noses, bigger foreheads, and basically super cute faces!^{[3]
  X
  Research source} I like to think that I look very autistic."
3
Challenge or refute pitying questions or remarks. Some people do not know how to respond to your autism, and may think that they are supposed to feel sorry for you. You can gently remind them that you're an ordinary human being, or directly challenge their assumptions if you think they can handle it.
- "What do you mean? Why do you feel the need to be sorry?"
- "It's really not that bad. I get up, eat cereal for breakfast, and drive to work just like everyone else."
- "Everyone has challenges. Other people have bad parents, low incomes, or difficult relationships. I have sensory issues and executive dysfunction."
- "Well, the social difficulties can be rough. But I do have a good mind for patterns and computer code, and that's pretty cool."
4
Be patient with mentions of brothers, nieces, best-friend's-cousin's-nephews, and other autistic children. When they hear that someone is autistic, non-autistic people frequently like to mention their autistic relatives. Usually they are just trying to establish common ground. You might acknowledge it and move on, or talk with them about their relative.
- "Oh, good for you."
- "Oh, really? I have a non-autistic nephew."
- "Sixteen? That can be a difficult age. Has she found the autistic community yet?"
5
Laugh off comparisons to other autistic people, whether they are famous adults or random children. If a person uses this, they are simply showing that they don't know much about autism, and this is their only frame of reference.
- "Like Temple Grandin? Well, I can't say I like the smell of cows..."
- "Autistic people are very diverse. Some of us are like Rain Man, and many of us are not."
- "Yeah, I've seen the Big Bang Theory. Amy is the absolute best! She's so clever and funny and... (etc.)"
- "Well, of course I don't seem like those autistic children. I'm an autistic adult."
6
Decide how to respond if they say something like "everyone is a little autistic." While they are usually trying to find common ground, it can come across as minimizing.^{[4]
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Research source}^{[5]
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Research source}
- "I think everyone has different personalities, but it's important to distinguish between personality and disability."
- "Ha, I wish! Maybe if that were true, we'd have banned loud noises from sports cars and hand dryers. Those things are so painful."
- "So why isn't everyone getting diagnosed?"
- "That's impossible. I took all the autism for myself."^{[6]
  X
  Research source}
7
Figure out how to dodge unsolicited advice. Some people decide to play amateur doctor as soon as they hear that someone has a health condition or disability. This can be annoying, especially because they rarely understand the condition they're talking about.
- "I used to try all sorts of cures, and I found that it was really exhausting and harmful to my mental health. For my own wellness, I've decided to stop."
- "I'm not trying to cure my autism, thanks."
- "I'll mention it to my specialist and say what she says."
- "Thanks for the suggestion. I'll consider it. How was your day?"
- "I'm not really looking for advice right now."
8
Put yourself in their shoes to help you challenge their misconceptions about cures. If they talk about a cure, consider the fact that they don't fully understand how it impacts autistic people. They may be misinformed by anti-autism groups like Autism Speaks.
- "Autism is deeply ingrained into my brain structure. Trying to take out the autism would either kill me or turn me into a complete stranger. I'd prefer to stay who I am."
- "Why would I need a cure? I would be a completely different person!"
- "A cure would be like resetting a robot back to factory mode!"
- "I don't support finding a cure. Since autism is inborn, a cure would probably mean prenatal testing and selective abortion. That's not something I can get behind."
- "This is upsetting to me, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. Please do your own research to find out what an autism cure would mean for autistic people."
9
Keep your cool if Autism Speaks, anti-vaxxers, or other anti-autism groups are mentioned. It's understandable for autistic people to feel hurt by groups that devalue or want to get rid of them. Keep in mind that it's unlikely that the person has deeply considered what the group actually supports. You may not want to ruin your day thinking about it, so you can give a quick answer and change the subject.
- "Actually, Autism Speaks is really mean to autistic people, so I'm not a fan."
- "I don't support the anti vaccine movement. A lot of the things said there are very hurtful to me. I'd rather be me than be dead from polio."
- "Please don't light it up blue; that's run by a group that says awful things about autistic people. Would you like to participate in #REDinstead?"
- "Ugh, that organization is really gross. So tell me about your new puppy!"
- "I can tell that you really want to talk about this, but I really don't. It's upsetting to me. Please research the controversy on your own time. I want to talk about something else now."
10
Assume ignorance before malice if they use the r-word. Some people genuinely do not understand the history behind the word, or that it is used to exclude and alienate people with disabilities. A quick, one-sentence explanation is enough to make most people realize that this word is not appropriate, and they will stop using it.
- "That's actually a really hurtful word. Please don't say that."
- "Please don't use the r-word. It's very derogatory towards disabled people."
- "We're in college. We don't use that word here."
- (if they press harder) "Wait, I'm confused. You want to use a word that is derogatory towards people with disabilities?"
- (If they call you one) "Excuse me? Why would you want to call me a derogatory word?"
- If someone insists upon using the word after you explain it, then they are probably not a nice person. You are well within your rights to avoid them.
11
Reassure someone who is getting embarrassed. Non-disabled people may feel uncomfortable around the idea of disability, so it can be helpful to make them more at ease.
- "It's okay. It's not a big deal."
- "Autism isn't as bad as a lot of people think it is. There's no need to tiptoe around the subject."
- "Don't worry about it."
- "For me, autism is just a fact of life. I'm used to it."
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Tips

When in doubt, assume that they mean well, and choose an honest answer over a more sarcastic one.

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If someone hurts your feelings use "I" language to explain why.

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Warnings

If someone is dismissive, cruel, or continuously rude, you might want to consider whether you want to be friends with them. You don't have to hang out with anyone who doesn't treat you well or respect your disability.

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