This story is from April 21, 2017

5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last

If you thought being understanding, caring, protective, little insecure, et al, are the must have traits to run a successful relationship, then science has a lot more to teach you on this subject.
5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last
5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last
If you thought being understanding, caring, protective, little insecure, et al, are the must have traits to run a successful relationship, then science has a lot more to teach you on this subject. Jonah Lehrer, who has authored- A Book About Love, has blown out the minds of millennials with suggestions on how to make your relationship last. Plus, they all are backed by researches, and shatter the myths we have been relying on since ages.
Here’s what the book says…
1. Similarities don’t matter
5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last
5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last

If you thought that having the same taste when it comes to music, cuisine, clothes, etc, made your relationship stronger, here’s the spoiler. The only kind of similarity that matters is “meta-emotions.” Wondering what’s that? It means how one feels about feelings, i.e. your spouse must handle emotions the way you do.
One of the quotes by Daniel Wilde in the book states, “Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems.” There is no partner with whom we’re not going to fight and get annoyed and complain about. The question is how you deal with those problems. What Gottman has found is that people who have clashing meta-emotional styles, have a really tough time dealing with conflict. Even minor annoyances tend to become huge fights, because one partner wants to express and the other partner thinks you should hold it in and then all of a sudden it explodes. In contrast, when you have compatible meta-emotional styles — when people agree on how feelings should be expressed — they’re able to diffuse these tensions before they get too big and dangerous.”

Guess, we won’t judge out partner now if he/she is not an Ed Sheeran fan!
2. Argue to save your relationship
5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last
5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last

Yes, you read it right! Fighting and airing your grudges with your spouse is beneficial in long term for your bond. The book says, “According to the scientists, spouses who complain to each other the most, and complain about the least important things, end up having more lasting relationships. In contrast, couples with high negativity thresholds—they only complain about serious problems—are much more likely to get divorced.”
Embrace yourself for another shocker. According to a research, if you have not argued at all with your partner for three years, there is high probability that you’ll hold one in the courtroom. Here’s what the book shares, “Gottman’s research shows that 3 years into the relationship, if you’re not fighting, that’s the indicator of an unhealthy relationship. At that point, you’re not holding in your farts anymore. You’re fully intimate. You’ve seen where they’ve got hair, you’ve smelled their morning breath. You’re not holding anything back. So if you’re not fighting, it’s often a sign of withdrawal. In a sense, you can look at complaining and fighting in an intimate relationship as just ways of showing you care.”
Well, now we won’t mind calling our partner right away and complaining about what happened last night!
3. Ditch Romeo and Juliet. Think arranged marriage!
5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last
5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last

Okay, so this one sounds confusing and unromantic! But Jonah has some scientific backing to mum all the readers. According to him, falling in love at the first sight is more of infatuation, which in turn is quick, easy and fairy tale-ish. Researchers term this as “limerence.”
Here’s how Jonah justifies this in the book, “Limerence is chemical fiction. Because it’s cinematic, we’ve often confused it for real love. Love is something that can be measured over time and limerence doesn’t pass that test. The purest way to distinguish between limerence and love is: love lasts and limerence doesn’t.”
And why arranged marriages are better? Here’s the answer, “Arranged marriages go in with this expectation that love is hard work, that love isn’t going to take care of itself. Because they barely know this person, there is no illusion that they don’t have to put in the work. Instead, they know by necessity that it’s going to require an investment of effort. Not that I want my kids to have arranged marriages, but the attitude that they’re premised on, the idea that love is work, that is the right attitude.”
But this does not mean you dump your partner and make an account at a matrimonial site. It’s the underlying lesson that matters. Get over infatuation and embrace real life struggles of a relationship.
4. Having grit at office and home
5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last
5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last

This quality is a major ingredient of success in life and love. It refers to having tons of devotion and never-give-up attitude in whatever you are focussing on. And when it comes to relationships, this quote from the book might prove to be insightful for you, “ When I talked to Duckworth about it, her answer was very straightforward. It’s because grit determines how we persist in trying situations. Marriage has plenty of trying situations. People who are particularly low in grit, when love feels like work, they’re more likely to drop out the same way soldiers do at West Point. Love lasts but it doesn’t last by itself. It’s not magic. It lasts because we can make it last, because we keep putting in the work.”
You can thank us later!
5. How to predict if a relationship will last
5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last
5 scientifically proven ways to make your relationship last

There is a difference in attitude of happy and not-so-happy couples. It’s the way they look at the times when their relationship had stuck a rough phase.
For instance, a couple may opine, “That time was terrible. I just wanted to get rid of my partner.” While, the same couple may express the same situation in other way as well, “The time was terrible. But we fought it together and we are stronger than ever!”
It’s just that the couples that go a long way “glorify the struggle”, and have an optimistic approach. Jonah suggests in the book, “Every couple is going to go through hard times and go through points where they wonder if they should still be together. That’s just part of being in a long-term relationship. Then, the question becomes: how do they talk about it? Some couples talk about it almost like a sign from the gods that they shouldn’t be together. Some couples find a way to glorify it. To talk about how it brought them together. How they made it through and how they’re stronger because of what happened.”
Whoa, another point worth applying in life!
To sum it all up- no relationship is a smooth ride, and it surely takes a lot of efforts from both the sides to float the boat. Love is not about staying content in happy times, it’s about staying content and positive in the most testing times, forever.
(Images: Shutterstock)
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