Life in the Bakery Led to Love, Then Loss of Balance

In Unhitched, couples tell the stories of their relationships, from romance to vows to divorce to life afterward.

A Minneapolis couple team up to grow a successful business and start a family but without much time left for their marriage, the relationship crumbles.

For Barbara Shaterian, 51, and Steven Horton, 48, starting a bakery meant 90-hour workweeks for him and full-time care of the family for her. Under the strain, their partnership failed despite the success of their bakery.

Where did they grow up?

Barbara was born in St. Louis, and her childhood was spent moving often throughout the Midwest. She was raised by her mother, an academic, and didn’t meet her father until she was 18. Her parents never had a relationship, though she now is close to both of them.

Steven was born in Las Vegas, and his parents divorced when he was 2. Both parents remarried, his father five times total. Steven bounced between his parents’ homes and an East Coast boarding school. College took him to Minnesota.

“When I was shipped off to my father, I felt abandoned by mother,” he said. “It never felt like my parents really had my back.”

How did they meet?

In 1996 both worked as bakers in Minneapolis. After 10-hour shifts together they spent nights talking on the phone. She had married and was in middle of a friendly divorce because her first husband didn’t want to have children.

“Steve seemed relationship oriented, and I wanted a serious boyfriend who had his career figured out,” she said.

A year later they decided to buy a house together, and within two months she was pregnant. She was thrilled. “I wasn’t quite ready,” he said. “I was a very distant father until my second child was born.”

What did they like about each other?

“Barbara is one of the kindest people you could know,” he said. “She is open and friendly in a way that I am not, and I was drawn to that.”

“Steve is goofy and funny,” she said. “We had an instant rapport, we worked well together.”

Why did they marry?

In 1999, when their daughter was 7 months old, they had a small ceremony. “We were making permanent what was already there,” she said. “It didn’t feel like a lot of change.”

Steven was committed to the family but hesitant about marriage. “My whole life had been witnessing failed marriages, but I saw how important it was to Barbara and that it would be easier for the family if we were legally wed,” he said.

Where did they live after marrying?

They had bought a small house in Minneapolis before they had children. In September 2001, they put that house up for sale, hoping to buy a larger one for their growing family and use some proceeds to start their own bakery. But they lost money on the sale and instead moved into a duplex owned by her mother, who also lived there.

They stayed in the home for 10 years. “We had little privacy and in retrospect, that was hard on the marriage,” Barbara said. “At the time that wasn’t clear.”

How were the early years?

In 2004 they started their bakery. Her mother helped with the children, which enabled both to work long hours. Steven started work at 1 a.m. and worked 12- to 14-hour days.

“Barbara liked my ambition, but it didn’t look like what she imagined,” he said. “The demands of running a bakery are extreme. If we had opened a children’s shoe store — another idea we had — there’s a chance we might be married today.”

(She agrees.)

Were they happy?

There were happy times, but for him, being away from the children made it difficult. He took only a few days off in 11 years and left town only once during that time. “The bakery was like the third child,” she said noting that his grandfather, a farmer, was also a hard worker who “didn’t know when to stop.”

“It was literally like one day off a year,” Barbara said.

“We hadn’t stockpiled happy memories to fall back on when times were tough,” she added.

“Success was great, but inside I still never felt I was good enough,” Steven said. “Living with my unhappiness, I’m surprised Barbara didn’t divorce me earlier.”

First signs of trouble?

In late 2011, they bought a house. Away from her mother’s home, life was easier, but in 2012 he read her journal and discovered she wanted to split up. It was a violation of her privacy, he knew, but it was jarring. He didn’t talk about it for months, instead retreating into silence and anger. She noticed the change and the silence, as did their employees.

“It hadn’t occurred to me that our marriage was in peril,” he said. “I should have used that moment as a wake up call. Instead we grew apart.”

When they finally talked in 2012, he suggested divorce. She said no. Both had come from broken homes, and neither, deep down, wanted to divorce.

Did they try to work on things? Try therapy?

They tried twice, though neither thought it was helpful. At that time, Steven thought therapy meant something was wrong with him.

What then pushed them apart?

For a year they hardly talked. He moved into the basement and they explained to their girls, who were 14 and 12, that their father needed more sleep. A few months later, they admitted to a separation.

Barbara began seeing a therapist. “With time, I was able to shed the notion of staying together for the sake of the children or the bakery,” she said.

The final break?

For several years, they functioned as a family, with him living in the basement.

At the end of 2013, what she called “the quiet year,” he drove her to the vet and comforted her when her beloved cat died. “That day was a turning point,” she said. “We started climbing back towards a friendship.”

“I was being a good friend,” he said. “It felt important to solidify our friendship, and always in my mind were the girls.”

How did they move on?

The divorce came through in 2014. In 2015, he moved into an apartment and by then was dating one of their employees at the bakery. Some employees took “sides” in their breakup, though neither of them wanted that.

“I think they felt we were mom and dad,” she said.

Did they feel stigmatized?

She did not. He did.

“Even though my family is littered with divorce, I learned early about not giving up on a relationship,” Steven said. “But in my family nothing is talked about, you don’t talk anything except the weather, sports and crops.”

How did they fare financially?

They are still tied financially. They used a mediator to make their financial agreements, which were amicable. When they went to court for the final divorce, they drove together.

In 2015 they decided to sell the bakery, though Barbara continued working with the new owners. He took a year off and then started a venture in wholesale baking and milling flour.

Now living in her own condominium, she receives child support until their younger daughter graduates from high school this year. Both say she is not good with money. “I never worried about what is mine and what was hers, it was always about the girls,” he said.

How did their children react?

They were upset at first, but both came around, Barbara said, when they saw their parents happier apart. “But I think if they had their way, we’d still be married,” she said.

Should they have divorced sooner?

“In hindsight we were both unhappy and were not addressing it,” Steven said.

“No,” she said. “It was complicated, we couldn’t take it apart earlier. The bakery, the family, everything was tied together.”

What did they do to start over?

She continued therapy and started taking art classes. “I reclaimed a bit of who I was before I was baker,” she said.

He, too, started therapy to address feelings of isolation and lack of self-worth. “I’d been checked out for most of my life, and pushed people away,” he said. “I can outwork and outperform people, but that ultimately didn’t make me happy.”

Are their new lives better?

Both say yes. “I lost myself in motherhood, marriage and the business,” Barbara said. “I’m happy with having done all of that, but I am back to being me.”

She started dating but found the same issues in a new relationship as in her marriage. Steven was supportive of that relationship and during that breakup.

He is working on work-life balance and regrets how the marriage affected their children. “I need to forgive myself and be there for them now,” he said. “If I had known my own issues during the marriage, I would have been happier and the marriage, healthier.”

Would they have done anything differently in the split?

Living together after they split gave them financial stability and showed their children how dedicated they were as parents, they said.

“I had self-confidence but not a lot of self-esteem,” he said. “I needed to admit that I had problems and deal with them.”

Looking back, what advice would they offer?

Both say they should have made time for each other. “If you want a family, you have to spend time with the family,” he said.

“Propping up a failing marriage is draining,” she said. “After the split I remember other people remarking on how happy I seemed, almost as if I were in love. But I wasn’t seeing anyone then, I was just so relieved.”

What is life like now?

They see each other once a month but text and talk often. “Steve is almost like a brother, he is family,” she said.

“She’s the mother of the two most important people in my life,” he said. “I’m so glad we are friends now.”

Advice for others divorcing?

“Divorce doesn’t have to be the end of the world even though it feels like it is,” he said. “Use it as a way to make changes in yourself. If you’re not happy with yourself, no relationship is going to work.”

For her, she now sees that there are ways around feeling trapped. “It took years to get untangled, but now we have our freedom,” she said. “Taking it slowly was the right way to go.”

“My unstable childhood had such a negative impact on me,” he said. “In the divorce, do whatever is necessary to put the kids first.”