How to Accept Being a Quiet and Reserved Person

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Last Updated: April 27, 2024 Approved

For some reason, some people think being quiet and reserved is a negative quality. Actually, having this kind of personality can be a positive thing, or at least not a bad thing. In fact, there can be a number of benefits to being quiet and reserved. There are also a number of ways you can come to accept yourself for being quiet and reserved.

Things You Should Know

Make a list of specific instances when your personality helped you.
Read up on famous introverts who lead interesting and successful lives.
Join a meetup group, online forum, or support group where you can interact with other introverts.
Remind yourself that being an introvert isn't a bad thing. As long as you're happy with yourself, that's all that matters.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Acknowledging the Positives

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1
Make a list of the positives. While society tends to favor extroverted or outgoing personalities, this doesn't mean that you don't have just as much value. Make a list of all the positive effects your being quiet and reserved might have.
- You may be an especially good listener.
- You might be playing it safe and smart.^{[1]
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- You may be a good observer of situations and people.
- You may be seen as modest.
- You may be seen as thoughtful.
- What else do you think might be good about being quiet and reserved?
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Start a log. If you are having trouble making a list of positives about being quiet and reserved, start writing down specific instances where your personality helped you. You may find that your memory is biased to remember negatives but this technique can help you to find the positives about your personality.^{[2]
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- If you have a smartphone, jot down your notes there then transfer them to a word document or write your notes down in a journal.
- If you don't have a phone that you can take notes on while you're out and about, consider keeping a paper and pen on you so you can write your thoughts down during the day before you forget what happened.
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Read up on your personality. People have studied the power of quiet and reserved personalities. There are several resources that might give you a new and empowered perspective about yourself, for example:
- Try reading the book Quiet by Susan Cain: http://www.npr.org/books/titles/145928609/quiet-the-power-of-introverts-in-a-world-that-cant-stop-talking
- Try reading about the evolutionary logic behind your personality. In some environments, introverts thrive more than extroverted individuals, particularly when being outgoing comes with costs (like when living somewhere with lots of infectious diseases, since being outgoing exposes you to more diseases).^{[3]
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- In other words, there is no one 'best' personality from the perspective of success or survival, but rather it depends on a complex array of things such as one's environment: https://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/26/opinion/sunday/26shyness.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
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Try to be comfortable in your own skin. Once you have realized that there are may positives to being quiet and reserved, try to accept yourself for who you are. Self-acceptance is a positive trait in and of itself. And, as long as you are happy with how you are, that matters most. In fact, many would suggest that being comfortable in your own skin is more important than having in one kind of 'skin' in particular. There a number of tips you can try to become more comfortable in your own skin^{[4]
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- Write down a list of your strengths.
- Forgive yourself for past wrongs you have done. Try to keep in mind that mistakes can allow you to learn but don't need to hold you back in life.
- Treat yourself well and remember that perfection is not part of the human experience; you will have quirks and faults just like everyone else, and that's OK!
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Learn about successful introverts. There are a number of quiet and reserved people who have become successful in their own ways. Consider these individuals^{[5]
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- Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft.
- J.K Rowling who wrote the Harry Potter series.
- Albert Einstein, one of the greatest physicists of all time.
- Rosa Parks, famous Civil Rights activist.

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Introverted or Extroverted?

Personality. You’ve got one; your friends have one—everyone has one! But what does it say about you and your social tendencies? In the early 1900s, Carl Jung coined the terms “introvert” and “extrovert” to describe personality traits and behaviors. Introverts tend to be more reserved, whereas extroverts thrive on social interaction. So, where do you fall? Are you an introvert, extrovert, or something in between? Answer these questions about what you would do in any given situation to find out.

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It’s Friday night—woohoo! What are your weekend plans?

To chill at home, read, and/or watch a movie.

To go out with my friends. I can’t spend a weekend without them!

I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll catch up on homework or chill with the fam.

To party or study until I collapse, whatever fits the schedule.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Finding Like-Minded People

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1
Think about those you know. Ask yourself if you know anyone in your social network who has a similar personality. You could then make an effort to get to know this person better. It may be easier to accept your personality if you surround yourself with others who are similar.
- You will probably have more in common with people who are similarly quiet and reserved than you would with people who are quite outgoing and extroverted.
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Find a meetup group for similar people. You can use the website https://www.meetup.com/topics/shy/ to find other quiet and reserved people to socialize with.
- If there aren't any upcoming events in your area, consider organizing one yourself!
3
Participate in online forums. You may find that talking with others online who are similar to you can help you to accept yourself for who you are. When you realize that there are lots of other people out there who are also quiet and reserved, it can help you to realize that your personality characteristics are quite normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
- To find an online forum, try searching with the terms: "forums for shy people"
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Create a support group. If you are struggling to accept yourself, consider starting a support group and recruiting like-minded people for social support.^{[6]
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- You'll need to decide a few things about your group. Ask yourself where you will hold your meetings and when and what the name of your group will be.
- You will also need to advertise the group. You can try recruiting on online forums or posting ads on bus stops in your city.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Getting Professional Help

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Find a mental health professional. Sometimes no matter how hard you try on your own, you just can't come to accept something about yourself. That is totally OK and normal; you may benefit from seeing a mental health professional such as a psychologist, psychiatrist, licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), licensed professional counselor (LPC), or marriage and family therapist (MFT), all of whom can help you to work through your problem.
- To find a psychologist, use can this website: http://locator.apa.org/
- To find a mental health professional try searching the internet for e.g., LPC + your zip code or, e.g., LCSW + your city name.
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Ask your family doctor. It may be that you suffer from severe social anxiety. If this is the case, it may be worth asking your doctor about the possibility of trying out an anti-anxiety medication.^{[7]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

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- You may suffer from social anxiety disorder if typical social interactions cause you large amounts of anxiety, fear, or embarrassment because you feel you are being negatively evaluated by others.
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Make a list of your symptoms. If you decide to seek a medical or mental health professional, there are a number of things you can do to get the most out of your visit. You can start by writing down the kinds of symptoms you have been experiencing and in what circumstances. ^{[8]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

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- It is better to have too much detail here than too little. Let your doctor decide what information is important and what is tangential.
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Make a list of questions. There may be a number of things on your mind and you want to make sure you get the most out of your appointment. To do this, be sure to come prepared with a written list of questions you can refer to during your appointment.^{[9]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source} Examples of questions to ask include:
- Asking about any medications you might be able to take.
- Asking about the pros and cons of medications.
- Asking what alternatives there are to taking medications, such as lifestyle changes.
- Asking about the side-effects of medications.
- Asking about the possible underlying cause of your social anxiety.

Expert Q&A

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Question

How can I get more comfortable coming out of my shell?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

If you want to be less quiet and reserved, try joining a group that practices giving speeches, like Toastmasters.

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