It’s hard to know when you should step in to get someone with bipolar disorder the help they need. Most people want to respect the rights of others and not interfere or seem nosy and bossy.
I’m here to tell you that as a person with bipolar disorder, I NEED the people around me to see the signs that I’m sick.
For example, a person who has been empathetic throughout their life suddenly becomes selfish and callous and says, “I never loved you! You’re finally seeing the real me!”
This can include being with their children. People who once cared about helping animals will suddenly forget to feed them or might kick them out of the way. A person who loves work will simply stop going and say, “It doesn’t matter if I get fired! I can find a job anywhere!”
This will be in comparison to how the person usually behaves. If you see a distinct change in how much a person talks, how much they argue, or how often they lose the ability to listen, this is always a worrisome sign.
When you try to bring up your worries, the person turns on you and says, “Oh, I’m the one with the problem! I’m the issue here? What about you and all that is wrong in YOUR life?”
This is incredibly distressing and shocking for loved ones. Before I was diagnosed, I used to become manic and get on a plane within a few days and be GONE. Then I would wake up in a new country and wonder, “What the heck have I just done? What’s wrong with me?”
This starts with irritation over the little things. “Why did you put my bag there!” and can turn into physical violence if the episode goes too far.
This includes eyes, how a person walks, wears makeup, and uses clothes to express a mood. For example, someone who is more conservative about how they dress suddenly gets a mohawk or wears a very short skirt.
If you care about someone with bipolar disorder, create your own symptom lists around mania, depression, anxiety, psychosis, focus problems, irritation, and anger, and start observing the patterns in your loved ones.
(My book Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder explains how people can manage bipolar disorder and how a loved one can help; my book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder is specifically for partners.)
When you love someone with bipolar disorder, you matter, too!
Your feelings and reactions to a person’s behaviors are your own. It’s not trying to change someone if you ask for stability around your own life. It is normal for you to expect a person with bipolar disorder to get help if their behavior affects YOUR life.
Teamwork helps those of us with bipolar disorder manage symptoms. We need loved ones to help us reach our goals and find happiness in life.
Seeing a loved one stay in bed is always a sign something is not right. My family knows that “Julie in bed, binge-watching videos” is not a good sign, and they have my permission to help me deal with my depression.
Julie
UPDATED: Originally posted March 23, 2017
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I really appreciate All the honesty here. This is what needs to be expressed, explained, talked about openly, just put out there in the universe in order to help all the people, loved ones, families, friends etc. going through this. Thank you All for your openness.
Thank you for posting this, it is very helpful! -AD
Don’t forget ramping up self-medicating!
How do you get the loved one to get help when they don’t realize they are sick? How do you convince them to get help? It is so hard talking to this person as she feels she is always right. She has even gotten a lawyer because she wants a divorce. The next thing she is posting pics of her family. What can we as a family do? Any help is appreciated. Thank you.
Opinion wanted…..Hi everyone, I’m in need of desperate advice and I will try to give the cliff notes as best as possible. Who we are: I’m a 30M and my wife is a 31F. We have a 2 year old daughter and have been in a relationship for 12 years married 9 of those years. She is a CEO of a successful digital marketing company and I’m the COO.
In December of 2020 my wife of 9 years had her first manic episode and was eventually diagnosed bipolar type 1 after being in and out of different facilities for 6 weeks. Since getting out and being on medicine religiously towards the end of January. My wife has been completely fine. She is the best person the world in my opinion, smart, funny, sexy, super caring and empathetic and the list goes on. Then in mid-February of 2022 she started to hang with her male cousin that was going through a divorce to try and cheer him up. She was only hanging out with him on a Friday or Saturday night each weekend. I didn’t think anything of it given that he is her first cousin, and she was just trying to be there for him. On Monday March 7th we go on a movie date and have a nice time. Then on March 8th, 2022, she told me in the morning while she was in the shower, she wanted a divorce. She originally said that I was controlling with money and that she wanted to be independent and that over time she fell out of love with me. At first, I jumped to the worry of her mental health as there were a few red flags. One of them being she missed one of her medications the 3 days previously she didn’t mention that she missed them to me until Sunday night. The other red flag being that a few weeks ago she needed to head home at like 11am because she was super concerned that she was starting to enter another episode. I told her that she’s been fine and that she needs to just go home take some extra medicine and go to sleep.
Back to where we are now, I spent the following days begging her to thing about this and told her I would do whatever was needed to change for her as she was my soulmate. She eventually told me that there wasn’t anything I needed to change that she was leaving me because she fell in love with someone else. That someone else is her cousin. I’ll be honest I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around all of this and am still trying to process everything. Two days later after telling me that she was in love with her cousin, she asked me to watch our daughter as she was going on a trip with him. When she told me this, I broke down crying and again begged her to think about this as it will cause damage that can’t be taken back. As I’m crying on my knees in so much pain I look up at her and she is laughing at me. I only tell this part because I think it shows the best that she truly doesn’t care about me or how I feel. Which from my research is a possible symptom of being manic.
I’ve spent the last few weeks trying my best to process everything and in a lot of pain. While she seems to be very happy (she sings and dances a lot). She has been spending a lot of money. Constantly on her phone, I assume texting her cousin/bf. Not paying as much attention to our daughter and not being as focused on work.
Now I know that a lot of these symptoms would point to her being manic. Her randomly wanting to divorce me for her cousin, her spending, her not having as much of an interest in our daughter as she previously had, her starting to change her appearance (wears a lot of black, scheduled a boob job). However, to my knowledge she has been still taking her medicine and when she is at work seems completely normal. It isn’t like the last time where she was manic and in a state of psychosis and it was apparent that she wasn’t right. If you didn’t know her super well you would probably think that she is fine. My question that I’m hoping to get help with is, could she possibly be in a manic state right now? Even if she has been on her medication, still sharp in the mind, and can function completely normal and its been going on for at least 5 weeks?
Hey there, my heart goes out to you as I feel your pain in every word….my son and daughter in law have been going through this on and off for over 6 years….they are now divorced and he has gone on and off his meds…they have 2 children who have never known their loving wonderful father when he wasn’t sick.
Have you thought that her current meds (if she is really taking them) aren’t working and/or she may need an additional medicine? I only say this bc as I understand bipolar from working with Julie as my coach, meds are one thing that may need to be changed over time….as you age so does your disease regardless of whether it is in the brain or another part of the body….and therefore meds may need to be adjusted.
Good luck, as it sounds as if now, she may have a lack of insight that she is even sick (anasognosia) which is incredibly hard to work through….we are into our 7th year with our loved one.
I hope Julie will answer here bc I would like to see what she has to say….but just in case….I wanted to share our experience.
Also, find the closest NAMI to you at nami.org…..join a Family Support group and take Family to Family so that you can learn more about what you are and will be dealing with, especially since you have a little one.