10 Ways to Have a Better Sex Life

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Many people want to have better in their relationships. Let me see if I can help. First, here’s what you don't need—fancy new toys, new positions, or a new body. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with any of these, but if there are problems in the architecture of your relationships, , communication style, or sense of entitlement, you can bet that toys, positions, and won’t help any of those.

What does it mean to make sex better: Bigger orgasms? More frequent sex that you don’t especially enjoy? More partners? Taboo activities that have a lot of symbolic value, but aren’t especially enjoyable? Getting pounded harder, when getting pounded isn’t your preference in the first place? 

No. 

Rather, making sex better means being more relaxed; feeling competent; trusting your partner; focusing on feeling in your body; and arranging the bedroom logistics (temperature, cleanliness, privacy, etc.) to maximize your comfort. With that I mind, here’s what you actually can do to make your sex better:

1. Unless you can't conceive, use reliable birth control when you have intercourse.

Withdrawal, hope, and “we don’t think we’re fertile” are not reliable methods.  Consider vasectomy. It does NOT affect erection or ejaculation—it CAN’T; it has nothing to do with your penis. Consider hormonal methods that are not the pill, like implants or injectables. They work, they’re painless, and they don’t make you gain weight. Or consider an IUD. You can get one put in, and forget about it for years.

All of these methods are modern miracles.  

2. Keep in mind that heterosexual people are curious about same- sex.

Not only are they curious, but they may enjoy watching same-gender , about having same-gender sex, and maybe even kiss or have oral sex with someone of the same gender. Heterosexuals like this don’t need a special category; they’re just heterosexuals. 
3. Questions? Ask your doctor.

Volunteer information your doctor doesn’t ask about—that you’re not monogamous (and perhaps your partner doesn’t know it), or that you smoke a lot of pot, or hate the way your husband smells, or climax only from oral sex. 

Don’t feel your doctor is comfortable talking about sex? Get another doctor.

4. If your sexual partner turns down a particular activity you desire...

Discuss it a few days later. Whether it's tongue-kissing in front of his , threesomes, one of you using a blindfold, or something else, find out if it’s a total “no thanks” until the end of time, or whether you might do it sometime, eventually. If it’s the former, then maybe don’t ask again for another few years.

Also, ask what it is about the unwanted activity that’s unwanted. Don’t demand justification, just ask for information. There may be other activities you can do that will get you what you want, without giving your partner what he or she doesn’t want. For example, she might not mind doing something taboo, she just may not want physical pain, or to do it in public, or when she has a cold.

5. Lube, lube, lube.

Every time you have sex, intercourse or not. Don’t wait until you “need” it. You don’t need it—you use it because it makes sex more enjoyable. And keep it in the night table, not the bathroom (unless you have sex in the bathroom). And if your kids find it and ask about it, tell the truth about what it is.

6. If you’re in , tell the truth.

That includes “I’m afraid you’ll judge me,” “I haven’t been entirely honest in previous sessions,” and “I think you’re sexy” or “I don’t like you” (or both!) if that’s true. It also includes “I don’t like this therapy,” or “This therapy isn’t working,” if that’s true. Good therapists can handle every one of these. If your therapist can’t, you need a new therapist.

7. If you’re upset about your partner’s porn use, be curious, not self-righteous.

Learn something new about him or her. Ask why they watch what they do. Ask if they want to enact what they see. If they say no, believe them. And then memorize these facts:

• Most porn isn’t violent.
• Most porn shows women enjoying the satisfaction that most women (and men) want from sex.
• Since internet porn flooded the U.S., the rates of sexual assault and child molestation have gone down, according to the FBI and the Crimes Against Children Research Center.

8. Kiss more.

It's not for "foreplay," it's for pleasure. It’s the most intimate thing most people do in bed. Yes, more intimate than intercourse. Many of us have had sex when we didn’t feel close to someone, but have you ever kissed someone you’re angry with? No--that’s how intimate passionate kissing is.

9. Don’t have sex when you don’t want to.

You don’t need a good reason, although if you don’t want to have sex you probably do have one. In general, it’s best to tell the truth about why—perhaps you’re still angry from yesterday, or you masturbated this afternoon, or you’re too worried about your job or your kid, or you just know it will make your back hurt a lot. You don’t owe sex to anyone, not even a wonderful person who would be so . On the other hand, if you’re ambivalent, feel free to offer conditions: “I’m really tired, so if you’ll do most of the work and don’t mind if I don’t climax and we don’t kiss a lot, sure.” 
10. Select your activities based on the kind of experience you want to have.  

As I write in my book Sexual Intelligence, sex isn’t about what bodies do—it’s about how people feel. So do sexual things that will make you feel the way you want to feel—close, graceful, naughty, or safe—not what you think “real sex” or “normal sex” or “cool sex” involves.