Simple, Starving to be Safe

I’ve been thinking about you a fair amount since I came back from LA. I reread our texts from that weekend. Each time I hope I might somehow notice something new.

That first line always gets me.

“I don’t think you can ever look past our history to give us a future.”

I have no clue what possessed you to start a reply with something like that. What were you expecting when you wrote it? From experience I know better than to guess what thoughts are swirling around in your head.

Though your motives are a mystery, I am certain you haven’t forgotten the past. I know you remember how you treated me. You remember how you handled, or rather mishandled, our relationship. You know that I’m justified in the feelings I still harbor towards you.  

Every time I read and reread that line I feel so frustrated. The funny thing is that you have no idea how badly I want to give us a future. I look back at the beginning of our relationship, before this whole mess. All I can think about is how we were so fucking good for each other. You liked the same weird things I did. We understood each other’s obscure pop culture references. You got my odd sense of humor. For the first time, you made me feel like one person could be enough.

My head keeps trying to remind me this is how you work. You are a thief. You sneak in under the cover of darkness, past one’s defenses. You wield your tools of verbal smoke and mirrors to distract your mark. And then once you’ve stolen your prize, you fade back into the shadows as if you were never there.    

Like I told myself nearly 3 years ago, “I can’t allow myself to fall for him ever again. I know that if I do, I’ll just get hurt in the end. “ I just hope it’s not too late.