Helpful Tips for When You Do Not Have an Encouraging Support System

Last Updated: 6 May 2022
94 Comments
Views

Friends, family, and accountability partners can help us stay the course toward mood stability. But what if we lack the positive and encouraging support that we need?

Support Group - Helpful Tips When You Do Not Have an Encouraging Support System
Photo: SDI Productions / E+ via Getty Images

Necessary Support

Research shows that when those of us with mental health challenges have a good support system, we are better able to mitigate our symptoms and struggles.

It only makes sense. With any challenges in life, we all do better with people backing us up and helping us out.

For me, personally, the support of my wife, family, and close friends has been key. They encourage and help me as I continue to learn how to live well with bipolar disorder. Establishing this support took some vulnerability and work on my part, so I believe that you can find what you need, too.

What to Do When Friends & Family Are Not Supportive

When our friends, family, and other potential primary support people are not a positive source of support with our bipolar, it can be painful and challenging. Although we may feel lonely, we are not truly alone. The bipolar community is wide-ranging, strong, and diverse. Here are some tips for when you find your immediate support to be lacking.

#1 Process Pain & Release Resentment

Choose to work through your hurt stemming from the lack of support from your family and/or friends. I’ve learned that we can’t change people. We can change ourselves, and we can try to educate, encourage, and clearly communicate our needs with others.

What they decide to do with that information and feedback is ultimately up to them. Sometimes we have to just accept the fact that a person does not want to understand and/or is not helpful. Resenting that won’t change them and might only end up holding us back.

#2 Cast a Wider Net for Community Support

When those in our immediate circle are not or cannot be supportive, we can choose to look elsewhere for that much-needed social bond. There are many ways to do this, but here are a few ideas to get you started when you decide to seek out and establish the type of encouraging, positive support system that you need:

(a) Peer Support Groups for Mental Health

You can look for a positive, helpful, principled mental health recovery peer support group, in-person or online. A support group is a great place to find friends who can be positive and supportive, and to whom you can be accountable on a regular basis.

No matter where you live, you can find a positive and encouraging mental health support group. For example, my Christian-faith-based support group, Fresh Hope, now has support group meetings online. There are also nondenominational groups that offer peer support online, including through bphope.

(b) Support Specialists

Finding a local peer support specialist is also another possibility for not just individual encouragement but also identifying more available resources and creating a personal support system.

(c) Communities with Shared Interests or Values

Other places to find good friends are at locations where people who share an interest, hobby, or lifestyle tend to gather—health clubs, gyms, libraries, places of worship, and special-interest groups (book clubs, crafters organizations, gaming communities, etc.).

Relationships Shape Our Identity

Choose your friends carefully. Remember, we all become like the five people we spend the most time with. In part, this is because we hold each other accountable for sticking to shared values or goals.

Beyond my spouse, family, and friends, I’ve also had an accountability group of my peers who have held me responsible for my mental health recovery, making sure I am doing the things necessary to maintain my stability and making decisions that are best for my family and myself. This accountability group has been key in my recovery.

Interconnected Supporters

It is important that those who support you can communicate with each other, too. For example, my accountability group has access to my doctor and my wife. My wife and doctor also have access to them and to one another. I call it my “circle of accountability,” which hems me in and keeps me honest.

While it’s not always been comfortable, my accountability group has empowered me to live well in the long run. Let’s be honest, too often you and I can easily tell the doctor one thing and our spouse or friends something else, only telling people what we want them to know. And while it initially took a lot of trust in the individuals who have made up my accountability group, it has served me very well.

Do Not Give Up When Seeking Support for Bipolar

From my perspective, it is imperative that we have a positive and encouraging support system and accountability group. And as disappointing and hurtful as it is when friends and/or family members cannot or will not be a part of that support network, try not to let that keep you from finding the social backing and personal care that you need. Yes, it will take effort and time to do so. But it will be worth it.

What about you? Do you have the support of family and friends?

  • If not, have you been able to establish a support system for yourself?
  • If so, where? How?


Originally posted March 6, 2016

About the author
Brad Hoefs is the founder of Fresh Hope, a national network of faith-based peer support groups for those who have mental health challenges and also for their loved ones, with resources such as his podcast, "Fresh Hope for Mental Health." He is a certified Intentional Peer Specialist, and also serves on the State of Nebraska Advisory Committee on Mental Health. Brad was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder in 1995. One of Brad’s passions is to empower peers to live a full and rich life in spite of a mental health challenge. Brad’s blog is “Living Well!” He is the author of Fresh Hope: Living Well in Spite of a Mental Health Diagnosis. He has a BA in communications and a master of divinity degree. Brad has been married to his wife, Donna, since 1979. They have two adult married children and love being grandparents to the grandkids! He is the pastor of Community of Grace in Elkhorn, Nebraska. He also helped start a website called What I Did to Recover that encourages and empowers those who have a mental health diagnosis to live well in spite of their mental health struggles.
94 Comments
  1. I feel sad too.
    My family totally don’t understand my depression & say to me do something for someone else, I do but I still feel sad.
    Plus being told not to think about yourself at all.
    Thankfully I have a gr8 dr who has me on every med which helps me cope

  2. Can anyone recommend a non-religious online support group for bipolar? Perhaps one specifically targeted to younger people? Thanks!

  3. I’m a regular at the Fresh Hope meeting the author mentions in his article. I’ve met friends there who I know care about my life from week to week. It also gives me a place to reach out and care about others. Recently one of the members ran into some trouble with cancer. I’ve enjoyed being part of her support system. It makes me feel good to know I can help her, though I would never wish cancer on anybody.

    They have one that meets during the day and another meeting Wednesday evenings. There’s a website on it.

  4. I am in Celebrate Recovery and have found the positive support, encouragement, and trust I’ve been searching for a very long time. My brothers in Christ have accepted me as I am and truly care about me as a person and not a thing to be fixed. The accountability to live my as Christ desires has been wondeful. They are my forever family. My wife is also my forever family and supports me 100% and is always there for me no matter what. There is never lame excuses for not being there for me.

    1. No, I do not have a support system.
      I would also like to point out that a lot of people with bipolar, or other mental health issues come from very abusive families. And it causes us to not trust anyone. It’s also very hard for us to find “ safe people “ to include in an accountably group.

      1. I am in the same situation, with little family support, or family who don’t want to be bothered or wont try to educate about BP. Due to my increasing symptoms I had to retire from working at a library. My rural secluded home on our private lake is peaceful but has its downside as well. The nearby NAMI group disbanded when most needed by me. My husband tries to help but can become angry, my 45yr old son and I are close but I try not to overshare as he has early symptoms as well. My friend of 50 years is a good listener but lives across the USA. I was recently hospitalized for my first manic psychotic break and my people saw me at my worst. I have only memories of hallucinations for 3 weeks. I know BP is not my fault but we all know we blame ourselves frequently. Thanks for listening and bestvto you.

  5. I am foringher living in USA about 19 years
    I am old woman and scared of being honest with anybody
    I am balancing my parents my sister and her dauther in Czech Republic and my 3rd husband in USA . I am jalous person who prevents infidelity of my husband in both countries because I cannot forgive to everybody. I do not want to end up like my father- alone .
    Can anybody help me???

    1. Hi, Jana. You do not have to be alone! With all that you have to think about, a Hope Coach might be beneficial, available at Fresh Hope.us

    2. Hi, Jana. Welcome to the USA. It sounds like you have a lot to think about. Perhaps you would benefit from talking to a Hope Coach available through Fresh Hope. There is no charge. Here’s the link: https://freshhope.us/hope-coach-connector/ I have found the people at Fresh Hope to be genuinely caring people.
      You do not have to be alone. There are people who want to help. And God, out of His great love for each of us, has promised to give us the Holy Spirit, also called “The Comforter”, if we just believe on His Son Jesus Christ.

Load More Comments

Leave a Reply

Please do not use your full name, as it will be displayed. Your email address will not be published.

bphope moderates all submitted comments to keep the conversation safe and on topic.

By commenting, you agree to the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

Related