How to Get Rid of a Friend Who Is Not Trustworthy

Co-authored by Tala Johartchi, PsyD

Last Updated: October 8, 2021 References

Finding out your friend has broken your trust can be shocking and devastating. It can be difficult to know how to break off a friendship with someone who cannot be trusted, especially if that person has been a friend of yours for a significant period of time. While it may be tempting to just ignore your friend until they stop calling you, it will be more helpful for your friend and for yourself to end the friendship in a clear and meaningful way. Ending this friendship allows you to stand up for yourself and also clears space and time in your life to form trustworthy relationships.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Planning the Breakup

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Contact your friend. It might feel infinitely easier to end this friendship via text, or Facebook, or an email. However, in order to honor the friendship you once shared and to be clear about your intentions of ending the friendship, plan to meet your friend in person to talk if you live in the same city.^{[1]
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- Call your friend up on the phone and say: “Hi Jane, I’ve been doing some thinking about what has been going on between us lately. Would you be able to meet for coffee sometime this week to talk?”
- Ask your friend to meet in a neutral and public space. If you are concerned about how your friend might react, meeting in a place that’s public and neutral will hopefully allow the conversation to stay civil.^{[2]
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2
Prepare a list of talking points. You don’t necessarily have to write out an entire script for your conversation, but making a bulleted list of all of the feelings you have been experiencing and the specific behaviors that have led to your decision may help ease your nerves about the impending conversation.
- On the list, include the “facts,” or the specific behaviors or situations that have led you to want to end the friendship. For example, perhaps your friend broke a promise to you, or betrayed your trust by revealing something you told them in confidence. Write out all of these instances to include them in conversation if necessary.^{[3]
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- Also include specific points you would like to make that support your argument and embody empathy. For example, you might want to emphasize how much the friendship has meant to you in the past, or you might try telling them your values in regards to friendships, such as honesty, trust, and open communication.^{[4]
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Practice your conversation. Find another friend or a family member (preferably someone who does not know the friend you are going to be talking to) with whom you can practice this conversation. Ensure that you are confident in how to communicate your feelings and that you have specific behaviors you would like to emphasize that have led to your decision.
- Say to a friend: “I have decided that I need to talk to my good friend about ending our friendship because I do not feel like I can trust them. I have some talking points planned, and I was wondering if I could practice the conversation with you? It would really help ease my nerves, and I would really appreciate your feedback.”
4
End the friendship via email or text message in very specific circumstances. While it is not recommended to end the friendship through a phone or computer, certain situations might call for it.
- One example is that you and your friend might only communicate through text message, and therefore it might not feel strange or passive aggressive to end the friendship this way. You know your relationship best, and if this feels natural to you, go for it. However, if it feels hurtful or evasive, reconsider other methods.^{[5]
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- In more extreme cases, you may not feel like you can see the person face to face. If your friend has done something truly egregious, email might be a healthier way to facilitate the ending of the friendship so an in-person meeting does not escalate.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Ending a Toxic Friendship

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Focus on your feelings. This friend has clearly hurt you, and your first inclination might be to tell them all the ways in which they have betrayed you. In order to end the friendship in a healthy way though, make it clear that you are ending the friendship because of how you are feeling, and not because of their personal characteristics.^{[6]
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Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.}
- You might say: “When I heard that you had talked to Sue about my divorce, I felt betrayed and hurt, because I didn’t want that information shared with anyone just yet. I am not sure I can continue in this friendship because I do not feel like I will be able to trust in this relationship anymore.”
These should emphasize your feelings in reaction to situations that have hurt you or made you feel like you cannot trust your friend. Say something like: “I want to end our friendship even though I have valued the time we’ve had together” instead of “You totally screwed up our friendship when you lied and stabbed me in the back!”^{[8]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health

Go to source}
3
Be specific. If your decision to end the friendship is surprising to your friend, they might want specific examples of when they betrayed your trust. Remember to focus on the particular behavior or situations that contributed to your decisions rather than admonishing your friend as a person.^{[9]
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- Say something like: “I know you’re curious about why I’m ending our friendship. A couple things have happened lately that have made me question my trust in our relationship. The most significant one was that I found out that you had told Sarah personal details about some of my recent struggles that I was hoping we could keep between us. I am struggling to feel safe and respected after this.”
4
Be assertive and direct. In a difficult conversation, it is common to either act out aggressively or shut down emotionally. However, achieving a middle ground and being direct and assertive throughout the conversation will allow you to address the important issues in a clear and non-defensive manner.^{[10]
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- If your friend reacts negatively to your concerns you can say: “I hear your frustration and anger right now. I am making this decision to respect myself and my needs, and I am not doing this to hurt you or attack you.”
5
Discuss boundaries for future interactions. You and your friend might share a larger friend group, you might work together, or you might be a part of an extracurricular group together. Therefore, future interactions could prove to be awkward or tense. Be clear about your intentions for these interactions and ask your friend about theirs.^{[11]
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- You could say something like: “I know we’ll continue to see each other at book club. My goal is to continue our relationship in this context and be cordial and respectful to you while I’m in that environment. However, I would appreciate if we did not have any outside contact. How does that sound to you?”
6
Maintain kindness and respect. Betrayal in a relationship can elicit several negative emotions, such as anger, shame, and sadness. When you finally meet your friend in person, remind yourself that verbally attacking them will be counterproductive to your goal and disrespectful to your friend. While you may not want to continue the friendship, they were your friend once, and you will likely feel better about your decision if the ending is amicable.^{[12]
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Harvard Business Review
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- In order to be kind yet firm in the conversation, you might say: “Tom, I am truly sad that our friendship is ending, but I hope you know that I’m making a decision that is best for me. I wish you nothing but the best as you move forward in your life.”
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward

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Tell your other friends. If you and your friend have a larger group of shared friends, it will be helpful to be honest with them about what has happened. When you are telling your friends though, try to only talk about your side of the story and again focus on your feelings, rather than the shortcomings of the other person. This person is still a friend of the larger group, and you want to be respectful by not bad mouthing them to others.^{[13]
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- A helpful way to tell your friends might be: “Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you know that Jenny and I are going our separate ways. We’ve had a good friendship, but we’re just not seeing eye to eye anymore. I’d rather not go into the specifics about what happened, but I’m hoping that I can still remain friends with all of you.”
2
Follow through with boundaries. Just like a romantic relationship, it might feel easy to fall into old patterns with your friend. You might start to feel like you can trust them again because they have been kind to you since your conversation about ending the friendship. However, remind yourself of the boundaries that you set and stick to them.^{[14]
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- If your friend asks you to hang out you could say: “I know that when we’ve seen each other at work, we’ve been friendly with each other, but I think it’s best if we keep the boundaries we discussed in our conversation. I still feel betrayed and want to respect the ending of our friendship.”
3
Be gentle with yourself. The ending of a friendship is likely to be hard on you. After the conversation, you might feel an array of emotions. You might even feel the urge to call your friend and tell them you would like to try again.
- Feel all your feelings. The conversation with your friend may go well, but it could also be difficult, contentious, and your friend might say some things to you that are hurtful. If you find yourself feeling angry or sad after the conversation, accept and experience those emotions, because it is very normal to feel them.
4
Remember why you ended the friendship. It can be tempting to ruminate on the end of the friendship or to actually miss your friend. However, it will be important that you remember that you assessed this situation, decided to end the friendship, and you took specific actions that you believed would help you move forward.^{[15]
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- It's not worth going back to a friendship that was ultimately unbalanced and draining.^{[16]
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  Expert Source
  
  Tala Johartchi, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.}
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What should a friendship feel like?

Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Tala Johartchi is a Clinical Psychologist based in the Los Angeles, California metro area. With expertise and advanced training in Evidence-Based Practices and therapeutic/behavioral frameworks, Dr. Johartchi specializes in working with individuals, couples, and families experiencing Substance Disorders, Love Addiction and Codependency, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as common co-occurring disorders such as Depression, Anxiety, and Relational/Attachment difficulties. She earned an MA and PsyD in Clinical Psychology from The American School of Professional Psychology at Argosy University, San Francisco.

Tala Johartchi, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

A friendship should feel like a balanced and fulfilling relationship. In healthy friendship, both you and your friend should be actively learning and growing as people instead of staying stagnant.

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What if she acts hurt and runs like a baby to her parents when she knows they will tell mine and, therefore, I will get in trouble?

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It depends on what you've done to get in trouble, but getting rid of a toxic friend is better than getting in trouble with your parents and maybe it will be worth it if you're happier without this person in your life.

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What if someone gossiped about me and everyone thinks I'm a backstabber now and no one likes me?

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I am so sorry that happened. This girl is obviously having issues of her own so she feels the need to inflict pain on other people. Do not let it define you and don't show that it hurts you. That's all they want. So just be strong. Those people who think you are a backstabber don't know the true you! Venture out and find new people that will support you. Don't be afraid to get an adult involved, like a teacher or guidance counselor. They can be really helpful in solving these issues.

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Friendships are just like any other relationships, and sometimes they become toxic and harmful. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable to end a friendship with someone in a clear and respectful way.

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While you may feel angry at your friend, respect the friendship you once had, and meet with your friend to explain your reasoning, to be clear in your desire to end the friendship, and to wish them well moving forward.

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Take time to heal from the friendship, talk to others about how you are feeling, and make time and space to form new friendships that might be healthier and more supportive.

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