A few years after I was diagnosed [with bipolar], my mom said to me, “I don’t know how to help you, Julie.”
This was a wake-up call, as I’d worked hard to learn to manage my illness and had just assumed that my loved ones would be able to help. I realized there was a huge gap in my family’s knowledge about bipolar disorder, and I was shocked that I’d overlooked such an important detail.
There had to be a better way for them to support me, and I was going to find it!
I decided to deconstruct what wasn’t working. I saw how my family walked blindly into most situations caused by bipolar. They would say, “Julie’s depressed, what can we do? Let’s try this!” I would get better and then I would get sick again and they would say, “Julie’s manic, what do we do? Let’s do that!”
There was no plan because no one had laid one out.
Around this time, I had the idea to write down all of my bipolar disorder symptoms.
As I was looking at my list, some clear patterns suddenly emerged: When I was depressed, my symptoms always started out the same (with feelings of loneliness and social isolation). This was true, as well, for my mania (revved-up sex drive and risky behaviors; also, a compulsion to purge belongings that I would miss dearly later); my anxiety (extreme OCD checking for email and phone messages); and my psychosis (dark, scary hallucinations).
I realized that if I could understand my symptom patterns and what they indicated, I might be able to figure out how to manage the symptoms (with professional help, of course) and maybe even prevent them from happening!
I shared this discovery with my loved ones. I taught them what to do depending on what symptoms they observed in me, and it works! Now everyone close to me uses my management plan, and I credit it with saving my relationships—and my life.
My family is very lucky, and we are all thankful. Unlike a lot of people with bipolar, I accept my diagnosis and do everything I can to stay stable. Unfortunately, an estimated 50 percent of individuals with bipolar disorder can’t—or won’t, for various reasons, including, for example, substance use—acknowledge the effects their illness has not only on themselves but on everyone around them.
People often ask me, “What can I do if my sister won’t get help?” Or, “My mother refuses to believe she has bipolar disorder and she’s ruining our family. What can we do?”
One thing you can do is learn your loved one’s symptom patterns so you can create your own plan to help the person.
You will need to set strong limits on what you will and will not accept—but you’re doing it because you can differentiate between what comes from bipolar and what comes from other issues. If you’re letting your adult son who is depressed live in your basement and self-medicate all day, or if you keep bailing out your father every time he spends all his money, you need to step back and take a look at what this is doing to you.
When a loved one is ill and not getting better, you need to make some tough decisions and take charge of your own life before you can help someone else.
Twenty years after my mom first told me she didn’t know how to help me, I asked her, “What’s different today?”
She said, “Since we started your plan, I’m still on watch all the time—but in a good way. I look for signs of how you use rapid speech, express excessive worries about money, talk about suicidal ideation, or try to do too much. I then do exactly what you taught me. It’s never easy, but it works.”
Yes, I have a chronic illness that will never go away. What has changed over the years, though, is how I manage my bipolar and how I ask for help from my loved ones. By working together, we have many more normal and fun times than sick times. It wouldn’t be this way if I hadn’t taught my family what I need from them—and if they hadn’t been willing to listen and do all they could to help.
Printed as “Fast Talk: Family Plan,” Summer 2015
Originally posted August 27, 2015
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I agree with Jean. Our son is currently in a depressive state and we don’t know what to do. We are concerned about his medication but the psychiatrist wants to wait another month before making any changes.
Because he’s over 18-we are helpless. He was maniac and eventually ended up in psychosis and we had to watch it happening.
This is a timely article for me…. Our adult daughter with BP2 (and other medical issues) lives with us and it has been a struggle over the years to know how to help her when things go astray. It has gotten much much better over the years with very open communication and straight forward / direct conversations about how to best help her. We also had to be very upfront about how this all effects us. I often notice when things are “off” well before she does and we can discuss it and make a plan before it gets too bad. I continue to worry about her future and how she will handle all this when we are no longer around….. but I don’t think there is any way around that.
I never knew growing up what was different about me. I felt that all my childhood friends could never be close because someone would always comment on my “talking too much”. Of course I didn’t think I talked anymore than they did. Even as an adult I had trouble keeping friends. Unbeknown to me my mother was bipolar but never diagnosed. Her brother was also bipolar. Then one day my brother had his first episode at work and he had to retire. About 7 years later I has the same thing happen and I lost my job. I was misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist and given drugs that made me really crazy. I went to the VA and they got me straightened out. I have been diagnosed with BP II disorder and only take a small dose of a mood stabilizer and a anti seizure medication to keep my brain from running wild. I eat better and exercise and that’s what helps to keep my symptoms in check. I read a lot about this disorder because it makes me feel I’m not alone and that the people in my life that matter are those who except me as I am.
This article is extremely helpful for my family and friends dealing with my severe bipolar I illness. I am fortunate that my sister took a 16 week NAMI course many years ago to educate herself @ my illness. The more challenging situation currently is my husband’s efforts when I’m in a severe depressive episode, to push me to function when I’m immobilized. My Bipolar illness has progressed from Bipolar II for about 20 years to rapid-cycle Treatment-Resistant Bipolar Depression the past 10 years. I suffer severe debilitating and suicidal depressive episodes lasting 7 to 9 months followed by “switching” within hours to hypomania which lasts 3 to four months. I have had over 100 ECT treatments, two suicide attempts, eight psychiatric hospitalizations, three TMS treatments of 36 treatments each over the years which didn’t lift the depression. ECT did work but I have extensive long-term memory loss. On January 4th, this year I began ketamine infusion therapy and my depression lifted completely with the first treatment session and my sense of well-being has been solid ever since. I’m sharing this because I want fellow sufferers to consider this life-saving treatment. I admit I went into it terrified as I have never been willing to try psychedelics in my life. Although I was fearful, I decided I was much more afraid of continuing my life with my devastating, progressive illness which was robbing me of quality of life. I was desperate. I did a ton of research, as did my therapist and psychopharm provider. I will look forward to obtaining the author’s books. And today I will subscribe to your magazine and e-letter!
It’s helpful to read about the symptoms you have when you’re entering different stages of bipolar. It’s helpful for family members to recognize those symptoms. But what plans have you made with your family so they know how to help you? For example, when you shows signs of depression, what does your family do? Thanks!
Thankyou again, Julie! It amazes me how when you share something from your personal life; it is so relatable to our family situation.You explain things in a way that help bring some sense to this disorder and actually functioning.You give us hope!!