I’ve noticed that, in general, our attitude about and understanding of romantic relationships is quite different from our beliefs and expectations surrounding friendships. For instance, we find it natural that, sometimes, romantic relationships end, and we can usually list the reasons why:
The ending of a romantic relationship or partnership might be painful and heartbreaking. But, overall, we tend to accept that many romantic relationships have a time limit or a life span.
For some reason, though, we think friendships are supposed to be different! We often have the belief that friendship is forever. When we hear stories of lifelong friends, especially online, it reinforces this ideal:
Viewing friendships this way can lead to a lot of pain and stress — and possibly trigger bipolar symptoms and/or mood episodes — when our own friendships don’t follow this anticipated lifelong path. As a society, we have created a friendship ideal that simply does not match reality.
In real life, friendships end just as often as romantic relationships do. I’ve left friendships, and I’ve definitely been left by friends.
It’s not always pretty.
Our inability to be honest about wanting to end a friendship can cause a lot of confusion. For some reason, when we feel that we no longer wish to be friends with someone, we NEVER seem to say what we mean.
Instead of going through a breakup, as we do when romance goes wrong or fades, we linger over the friendship’s end, worrying and wondering what happened. All this rumination and pain lingers because we usually don’t tell the truth to our former friends in the same way that we do within romantic relationships.
For example, imagine saying these thoughts to a friend:
Instead of honesty, more often than not, what happens at the end of a friendship is that the calls stop, messages are left unanswered, and the plans that were once weekly become monthly, then stop completely.
It’s “friendship ghosting,” and it hurts!
We all do it. We just don’t talk about it.
It’s ironic that I have friends whom I’ve known for a long time and whom I have chosen to leave — without explaining why I am leaving. I am just as guilty of this behavior as anyone else.
All of us are human. And we have some learning to do when it comes to building and maintaining friendships.
My fellow bphope blogger and author Martin Baker writes about friendship in his book with Fran Houston called High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder (Rev. Ed. 2021). I read Marty’s blog posts and am amazed at his insight into the up-and-down nature of friendship in general.
Friends go through everything romantic partners go through — we just don’t have physical intimacy to gloss over the difficult times. And, in many situations, we are not as honest with friends as we are in romantic relationships. Recently, Marty wrote:
“A few days ago, I hurt one of my best friends. I’m not happy that happened, and my failure to recognize how much she was hurting only exacerbated the injury. But I’m proud that we worked it through the way we did. I do feel I’m learning.”
I agree with him.
We do need to be open to hurting each other, as this is a part of being human. Maybe it could even help us maintain more friendships.
These are all warning signs that maybe it’s time to let the friendship go!
Bipolar always lets me know if I’m having friendship problems. It’s a triggered mental health condition. If my bipolar is sent flying and I can’t sleep due to worry and stress that my friend is no longer acting as they did in the past, it doesn’t matter why they are acting the way they are. I am the one who has to deal with the bipolar fallout.
Stable people can handle some pretty rough friendship behavior that my bipolar doesn’t allow me to handle. I can lose sleep and get sick very quickly if a friendship is upsetting or confusing. I know this is not a regular reaction, but it is what happens in my “bipolar brain.”
I can start out with regular thoughts of loss and upset, but then my bipolar, OCD, and paranoia kick in and I begin to ruminate:
On and on it goes in a looping sound wave in my brain, especially as I try to sleep.
This isn’t healthy, and it’s not even very real. Many of my thoughts are “bipolar-generated” and are a way over-the-top response to a situation in which a friend simply doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
What is neither normal nor healthy is staying in a relationship that consistently causes this kind of worry.
For example, one Saturday, a friend with bipolar wrote after midnight and accused me of stealing from her. It was not only shocking and untrue but also dangerous for me. It was late, and I couldn’t get to sleep for hours, which often makes me manic.
That night, I turned off my text notifications and changed my phone behavior to help support my sleep.
Our friendship ended.
I can’t be with someone who is unable to control their symptoms. Just as others would not want to be around me if I could not control my symptoms!
One of the columns I wrote for bp Magazine was on this topic, the relationship “trap,” and it has clearly struck a chord, with more than 244,000 views to date. Friendship and bipolar is obviously something we need to talk about more.
Please know that there is no judgment here. My goal is for us to see the natural flow of friendships and be ready for when they end, for whatever reason.
Talking openly and honestly about losing friends is my way of accepting my lack of perfection and of acknowledging that I sometimes want to move on, and sometimes others want to move on from me. This happens with romantic relationships all the time! Let’s make it normal for friendships as well.
Let’s be honest with ourselves.
Let’s be willing to cherish the friendships that support us and enhance our lives — and to honestly and gently leave those who make us sick by triggering our bipolar.
There is no wrong person. There is no right person. It’s simply being human.
Julie
UPDATED: Originally posted March 30, 2021.
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Julie, with regards to when a so called friend is causing harm, I’m the friend and everything you said is how I feel. My BP friend is self medicating with alcohol and cannabis and is about to add mushrooms to the mix. He isn’t forthcoming with his doctor, and when he’s manic he’s become a total s.o.b. 40 years of friendship means squat. I’m sorry I can’t continue to absorb his misplaced anger and disgustingly abusive manner any longer. Where does that leave me, other than as the bad guy everyone hates because too much is finally enough?
I met my friend almost a year ago. Like him a lot. Didn’t realize he was bp until he came over one night and had an episode. I thought he was just drunk. Put him to bed and watched some tv in the living room. He left a pill bottle on the coffee table. I took a pic and googled it the next day at work. Realized it was for bp. Didn’t think too much of it because I hadn’t really experienced any negative interactions. They started off slowly. No return txt or calls. I could see that he read them but did not reply. Became insecure and would feel that I did something wrong. I am attracted to him but thought he was straight. One day he came over and was doing this lean into me thing he has done before. Kept asking me what are we going to do now. I suggested an encounter and he agreed. He was calling me awful names and slapping me, hitting me. I started crying and asked him to stop. I texted him after he left to see if he got home alright. He txtd back that he did and that I was awesome. Felt like progress. Then the ghosting really started as we would make plans and he simply would not show. No call or txt. Again I felt I was the problem. Fast forward and it is now December. He has not shown for plans he made several time. I told him via txt that I felt I don’t fit into his existence, that I am running on fumes and don’t have much left to give. I called him this morning and he actually answered. He immediately went on this rant calling me names and saying he is becoming a hermit. I stayed calm and eventually had to hang up because he just kept going on and on. Very upsetting to me because I care a lot about him. I googled why is my bp friend mean to me and found this site. Reading all the perspectives has encouraged me to do more research. This is really hard and I am not sure I can withstand the hurt, but I am going to give this my best at understanding what he is going through. I have had some amazing times with him and would like to have many more.
I have a very dear friend who has been with me for many years. They moved away but we kept in touch online and while this was okay I think it changed the dynamics re boundaries. I know boundaries are very important to the health of the friendship but hard to maintain for someone with bipolar because there is a mixture of impulsivity and anxious thinking going on at times of stress. It’s hard to explain here I was well but now I am ill so more of this behaviour is going to be present. The only real thought I have that might help is to have a care plan for times of crisis so that you can interrupt that pattern and have alternatives from putting pressure on friends. I enjoyed this post it was much more realistic than the common posts about just reaching out to friends when you are in crisis. As harsh as it seems this sometimes seems to create more problems. It’s a lonely thing to realize but reach out to professionals when you are in crisis and your friends when you are feeling well.
I have a friend with bipolar. I’m not sure if we’re friends anymore though. Once he got sick and hospitalized the doctors and care providers put him on some major meds. I was always checking in with him, I even sent him a care package of books and coloring pencils and a nice scented candle and some music. I would circle back every so often to check in by text and we would exchange texts. He started to talk about suicide, I called his mom and the suicide prevention hotline. I didn’t know what else to do, some other friends of mine have told me that I saved his life? He was hospitalized again, and now he rarely speaks to me, the last time we actually talked on the phone was when he was high on marijuana and he had also taken one of his antianxiety meds so I spent two hours talking him down from a panic attack he was having. After that, we exchanged text messages but rarely. Finally, I had to let him know that after several months of not seeing him, hearing from him, I told him that I was in pain because the relationship we had before all of this was gone, along with the idea that would could work on some creative projects and have a great relationship together. I told him that the pain was my grief over the situation, but that I had finally come to accept things as they are, and relinquish any unrealistic expectations of him; but that I still loved him dearly, and missed us getting together like we used to. Anyway, he responded back stating that now he was back living with home and family he did not have time for me anymore, and he really didn’t need my help, and he was getting better. Instead of reacting I responded. I told him, okay so you’d like me to leave you be, if that is what you want. I’ll be here for you if you need anything, do not hesitate to reach out. In the meantime, I will continued to pray and hold space for you and your healing. I don’t know what else to do, but this situation has really triggered me, but I am healing now, and hope he is too. This is such a horrible and baffling disease, but I hope that my friend knows that I am here for him no matter what, come what may, I will always love him and be there for him.
Hi this is about me and my childhood friend with obvious signs of bipolar disorder, her mom has is as well. She moved four years ago and we’ve been texting since then. But the thing is I feel like I’m just her therapist. I brought it up a couple times and she would just ghost me. She has mood swings so bad and so often mentally she isn’t ok. She has suicidal thoughts and threatens it sometimes, she cut at one point as well. We had a big fight and it was discovered that she thought less of me in maturity and how I don’t have any mental issues so wouldn’t understand her. She mentioned suicide so I gave her logical advice on to get help. I can’t help her because I’m states away, we’re still kids in high school and she’s two years younger than me. I know she’s young and dosnt understand how I’ve tried to help for so long now. She keeps telling me she dosnt need my help but if she does nothing it’s just going to be another long conversation that in the end, she will ghost me on. It’s just so frustrating. I’m tired of being her therapist. We ended things today, and that’s it. I feel relived and guilty. I know she’s dealing with a lot and her mother is a horrible person. I grew up with her, all her little meltdowns and unpleasant memories are now, just memories. I feel just as toxic as her tho… I feel bad that I’m actually happy things are broken off. I knew all the little things to not tick her off and how to deal with her manic episodes as a child, now I don’t have to do it anymore. I don’t care anymore. I just hope she finds her peace.
I’m Bipolar Type 2, post menopausal and manage through meds etc. I ‘get it’.My sister is perimenopausal, alcoholic Bipolar Type 1. She bypassed meds from day 1 of BP1 diagnosis – not interested. Will drink till she drops. In denial about hormone treatment too. Has support and resources at finger tips. Not interested.
Her verbal lashings are worsening in frequency and brutality. Everything is. These lashings- always when we’re alone, when no one else is about. On some level she knows what she’s doing. This was the pattern with another sister (before me) – recipient of lashings, mostly when no one was about.
She remembers most of what she says, I know because she’ll let it slip later down the line. Zero accountability. This time was the last straw. Am really stepping back. Her BF’s last GF was an abusive alcoholic. He can have her. I’m civil and can be friendly etc. I love her but don’t like her selfish decisions that wreak havoc on our family, just so she can get high. I know this because she’s said this – stable, high, drunk and dry. For years.
I had a similar problem with a friend I later found out was bipolar but didn’t communicate it with me. She ended up ghosting and then blamed me for the “my lack of interest”. When I expressed interest she got angry. Unfortunately, it is hard to be friends with a bipolar person…I struggle with a mental health issue and I can become obsessive when they say and do hurtful things. It’s nice to know that it’s normal to struggle with being friends with bp people.
Yes thank you. I just went through this with 2 bipolar women. I am scared and upset by them.