How to Convince Others That You Are Not Shy

Co-authored by Eddy Baller

Last Updated: May 25, 2021 References

If you're a shy person, you may feel like it's impossible to appear confident. Shy people aren't necessarily unconfident. They simply struggle with how to incorporate themselves into social situations. There are many simple steps you can take to appear more confident while interacting with people on a daily basis, and none of them mean you have to change who you are. Whether you're talking to a new friend, asking your boss for a raise, or giving a presentation, looking confident can be easy for even the shyest people.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Looking the Part

1
Greet people with a smile.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Eddy Baller
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.} It may sound simple, but starting a social interaction off with a welcoming smile makes you seem more approachable, friendly, and self-confident, all without saying a single word.
- Don't hesitate to smile as you introduce yourself in social situations. This makes people feel welcome to engage with you.
- Smile when people you're talking to make a joke or to offer encouragement as they continue speaking with you.
- If a person is trying to approach you individually or in a group, a smile can make them feel welcome and make you appear friendly, confident, and outgoing.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
When you look others in the eye, you appear confident and engaged, making people want to continue talking with you.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Eddy Baller
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.} Darting eye movements or staring past people may give them the indication that you're unconfident or distracted.^{[4]
X
Research source}
3
Control your body language. Sometimes, body language sends the wrong message unintentionally because you simply aren't aware of the way your mannerisms appear to others. Look at yourself in a mirror or ask friends for feedback about the way you move while interacting with others.
- Blushing, shaking, and sweating are all typical physical responses of shy people to social situations. You may not be able to change these characteristics, but you can avoid drawing attention to them. Over time, increased confidence may reduce these physical responses.^{[5]
  X
  Research source}
- Don't cross your arms in front of yourself. Instead, clasp your hands or hold them at your side in order to appear open and comfortable.^{[6]
  X
  Research source}
- Extend your hand for a handshake the first time you meet someone. It shows that you're open to them, and connotes respect.^{[7]
  X
  Research source}
- Don't slouch or hunch over when standing or sitting. This gives the impression that you're folding in on yourself or that you're uncomfortable.^{[8]
  X
  Research source}
Despite the popularity of this adage, people can typically tell if you're not being sincere. You may not look “shy,” but you might come across as an imposter instead. The best why to overcome a tendency towards shyness is to express confidence in your own value.^{[9]
X
Research source}

Advertisement

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Talking to New People

Practice makes perfect, so challenge yourself to speak with at least one new person during every social event you attend.^{[10]
X
Expert Source

Eddy Baller
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.} Even if it's just to say hi, talking to new people is a skill you can improve with practice.^{[11]
X
Research source}
Shy people often forget they can take advantage of their shyness by actively listening. Taking time to really listen to what other people have to say and responding to them meaningfully makes conversation easier for those who experience social phobia. Being aware and mindful in social situations is a great way to feel less shy and more open to engaging with others.^{[12]
X
Research source}
3
Admit when you're not sure how to respond. If someone says something that you don't know how to respond to, tell him. You don't have to be blunt or rude, but it's okay to admit when you feel unsure or confused.
- When people bring up a topic you're unfamiliar with, try saying something like “I'm not sure I know much about that. Can you tell me more?”
- Joking can make you feel more confident and able to contribute in social situations especially when the discussion focuses on a topic you're unfamiliar with. Say something like, “I don't know about you, but I only came here to talk about comfortable subjects like religion, politics, and money.”
- If a person is talking about something you don't know how to engage with, try changing the subject by asking the person for information about some other hobby or pastime they enjoy that you are more familiar with. “That's really interesting. Have you done any skiing this season?”^{[13]
  X
  Research source}
If your shyness stems from lack of self-esteem, one great way to improve your ability to communicate openly with others is to explore your own strengths. Everyone has something to contribute, and that includes you. Knowing what you can contribute to conversations and social situations is a great way to improve your confidence and appear less shy.^{[14]
X
Research source}
5
Accept what others think of you. You may be one of the many people who avoid talking with new people due to fear of how they will perceive you. What others think of you should matter very little when it comes to how you see yourself, but despite best efforts, it does matter for many of us. The trick is not to let the perceptions of others or your own fear of those perceptions keep you from being yourself.
- One great way to relieve your own social anxiety is to refocus your attention from how others see you onto those you interact with. Offering polite attention to those around you rather than fixating on your anxiety or embarrassment often makes you look and feel more at ease.^{[15]
  X
  Research source}
- Compassion for others may be the best cure for shyness because it allows you to more readily shift your attention toward others and away from your own fear of embarrassment. Focus the energy that could be wasted on negative feelings onto thinking of how others are feeling in the situation.^{[16]
  X
  Research source}
Advertisement

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Saying What You Mean Clearly

1
State what you mean clearly and confidently.^{[17]
X
Expert Source

Eddy Baller
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.} Hesitating and hedging will only make your shyness more apparent to those around you.^{[18]
X
Research source}
- Try not to make “umm” or “huh” sounds that indicate you're stalling for time or use hedging words like “maybe” or “kind of.”
- Don't make every statement a question. This is a typical shy trait, and it will read that way to others. Questions have a raised inflection on the end, so pay attention to the way you say things.^{[19]
  X
  Research source}
2
Speak plainly. The goal should be to make your ideas clear to those you're speaking to. Keep your sentences concise, and others will ask for more information if they need it. However, despite your best efforts, not everything you say will make complete sense to everyone around you, and that's okay too.^{[20]
X
Research source}
- Shy people may continue to talk offering unnecessary details rather than allowing a lull in conversation. It's okay to let the conversation lag. You don't have to be the only person talking.
- Don't mumble or speak softly. If people can't hear or understand you, they may assume you don't think what you have to say is worth listening to.^{[21]
  X
  Research source}
Especially if you're going to engage in a high stakes social activity or business event, take time to think about possible scenarios and practice your responses. It may sound silly, but this is a great way to build confidence and feel more prepared to engage with others.^{[22]
X
Research source}
4
Offer an explanation for your past shyness, if there is one. Don't make up an excuse for yourself. Honesty is the best policy. If you feel comfortable or are asked directly by a person you're talking to, it's okay to offer an honest explanation. Just don't fixate on this topic as it might lead you to feel shy or nervous again. Admitting your shyness can be endearing, and make you seem more approachable.^{[23]
X
Research source}
- Even something as simple as saying, “I was a bit nervous the last time we spoke" works just fine.
5
Pick your battles. Be confident and clear when communicating, but always be open to having your mind changed by others. You may feel the urge to overcompensate for your shyness by being aggressive. The goal is to avoid ending social interactions with negative outcomes as this reinforces shy behavior.
- Ask for additional information on a subject you disagree with to show you value those you're speaking to, even if you don't agree with them in the end. It never hurts to learn something new.
- Offer alternative perspectives as questions rather than statements of fact. For instance, instead of saying, “That would lead to economic down turn,” ask, “what effect do you think that change will have on the economy in the next five years?”
- Don't say no. Agree and disagree at once by using a phrase like, “Yes and…” to encourage others by validating their perspective while still offering an alternative view.^{[24]
  X
  Research source}
6
Contribute to conversations on subjects you're familiar with. If you're only conversing with one other person, ask for more information on the unfamiliar topic, or gently steer the conversation towards common ground. When in a larger group of people, it's often possible to simply listen to others until you feel you have something beneficial to contribute.^{[25]
X
Research source}
- Think of specific topics that may be relevant at the social gathering you plan to attend, and try to find ways to subtly introduce these topics.^{[26]
  X
  Research source}
- It's okay to talk about yourself. Try not to overdo it, but what other topic do you have more knowledge about? This helps people feel closer to you, and encourages them to open up and continue the conversation with information about themselves.^{[27]
  X
  Research source}
Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Search

Add New Question

Question

Is it possible to become outgoing if I'm shy?

Eddy Baller
Dating Coach
Eddy Baller is a Dating Coach and the Owner of a dating consulting and coaching service, Conquer and Win, based in Vancouver, Canada. Coaching since 2011, Eddy specializes in confidence building, advanced social skills, and relationships. Conquer and Win helps men worldwide have the love lives they deserve. His work has been featured in The Art of Manliness, LifeHack, and POF among others.

Eddy Baller

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

All you have to do is practice so you're more outgoing. Try talking to someone new every day and holding a casual conversation.

Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
Thank you for your feedback.
If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
Yes No

Not Helpful 0 Helpful 1

Ask a Question

200 characters left

Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.

Submit

Warnings

Don't go back to being shy. People might be confused or consider you to be wishy washy.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
If you've known a person for an extended time and have made the impression that you are shy for this long, it may be more of a challenge to change the way they perceive you.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Don't be so overly confident that you are rude or overbearing. This makes a bad impression as well.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0