How Self-Compassion Can Get You Out of a Rut

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Do you have a tendency to be your own worst critic? Challenging your inner judge with a little self-love and compassion can have radical results.

Self-Criticism & Feeling Like a Failure

It’s an endless loop: You mess up at something, accuse yourself of never getting anything right, then sink under feelings of failure.

There doesn’t even have to be one specific goof-up to trigger the caustic cycle. Maybe it’s something you don’t like about yourself. Maybe it’s feeling like you’re not living up to expectations (your own or someone else’s). Maybe it’s just an inner filter permanently set to “not good enough.”

Whatever the cause, self-criticism is only going to keep you stuck—especially if it’s fueling depression and anxiety.

Replacing disapproval and judgment with self-compassion allows you to accept your flaws, real or perceived, in a way that strengthens mental wellness.

Inner Critic or Supportive Friend?

Think of the sympathy and support you would offer a good friend who is having problems. Learning to turn that kind of tolerance inward allows you to more clearly see yourself as simply human—as someone who deserves a break now and then despite shortcomings and mistakes.

“Who do you want to have accompanying you throughout the day?” asks Kristin Neff, PhD, a leading expert on self-compassion. “A friendly, supportive voice on your side, or a judgmental voice cutting you down, working against you?

“Of course you want that caring voice in your head to help you cope, help you bounce back from difficult situations and perform at your best.”

Neff’s expertise wasn’t born solely out of her research. Even she had to learn how to be easier on herself after she had an affair that ended her first marriage.

“It went against everything I stood for,” she says of her decision to stray. “I was really feeling a lot of shame, and self-compassion helped me get through that. I’m not excusing it, but it helped me be able to hold it, acknowledge it, accept it, and move on.”

As Neff tells it, her understanding of self-compassion originated through her personal practice of Buddhist meditation, evolved through her research at the University of Texas at Austin, and has been refined through teaching a program called Mindful Self-Compassion that she developed with clinical psychologist Christopher Germer, PhD.

She breaks self-compassion into three dimensions: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

“It’s almost a kind of radical act to be kind to yourself, because our culture has a lot of deep misgivings about it,” Neff says. “People think you’re either narcissistic, or that you’re self-indulgent and it will undermine your motivation.”

Even those raised by critical or abusive parents can learn how to be self-compassionate. It may just take a little longer than someone who grew up in a supportive household.

It may be a little more difficult for women, too. Whether due to traditional gender roles, genetics, or both, women tend to be more critical of themselves—and show more compassion toward others—than men, according to Neff.

Core Values

Self-criticism can be harmful to your health in multiple ways. Research shows that people who tend to put themselves down are more apt to have suppressed immune function—thus becoming more vulnerable to mental and medical health woes—and to struggle with motivation and relationships.

A study in the Journal of Affective Disorders concluded that a lack of self-compassion significantly predicts depressive symptoms, although depression did not predict subsequent levels of self-compassion. The Swiss researchers concluded that depression treatments might do well to focus on cultivating self-compassion.

Kat of Los Angeles was her own worst critic when she didn’t follow through on ideas for art projects. Although Kat lives with chronic depression, she would blame herself rather than her symptoms for not accomplishing more. Then the negativity would turn outward, affecting her relationships.

Kat has learned to cut herself some slack since she started seeing “a female empowerment specialist and life coach of sorts” in the summer of last year.

“She always uses this example of how you can be a really successful person on the outside, but if you haven’t built this core of self-love, then it’s all going to crumble at some point,” Kat reports. “You’re not going to be able to build anything meaningful on top of that.”

Now Kat reminds herself to reroute disparaging thoughts and focus instead on building self-respect. Instead of getting mad at herself for the number of things that linger on her to-do list, she tries to allow herself the latitude to tackle them in her own time.

She also asks an important question before jumping into a new project or making a big decision: “Is this actually good for me?”

The results have been promising so far.

“It’s definitely made a difference,” Kat says, “but that’s not to say that I don’t still struggle in ways.

“At least I have the awareness now to recognize that being depressed doesn’t make you any less of a person, and that loving yourself through it is extremely important.”

“I Am Me”

That sense of shame about having an “invisible illness” can be insidious and debilitating. Susie tends to judge herself harshly for not dealing with situations as easily as others do because of her anxiety.

A poet and creative nonfiction writer who teaches in the San Francisco area, Susie can easily extend sympathy to struggling students. She finds it harder to extend that same understanding to herself.

The vicious cycle of self-blame came up recently when Susie had to take a solo trip to Europe.

“I was feeling guilty and anxious about how much it was going to cost, so I tried to convince myself to take a cheaper flight even though I didnt trust the airline or the airport and the flight was four hours longer,” recalls Susie, who dreads flying.

She discussed the predicament with a friend, who reminded her to accept who she is and stop feeling guilty about buying the more-expensive tickets.

“It sounds so simple, but I needed this reminder that it was 100 percent OK to take the easier road because I am not some other kind of carefree person who loves taking risks. I am me,” Susie says.

It has taken years—and help through therapy, the support of her husband and good friends, meditation, and “the kind of wisdom that comes with time and life experience”—for her to reach a level of acceptance.

“In some ways, it feels like because of my anxiety, I sometimes need special treatment,” she says, referring to her inability at times to go with the flow, “and I’m not always comfortable with that. But the special treatment has to come from myself, first.”

Friend in Need

Steven D. Hickman, PsyD, executive director of the University of California–San Diego Center for Mindfulness, talks about a culture of perfectionism that makes it hard to feel satisfied with doing your best. But “if we can develop a kinder relationship with our own inner critic,” he says, “there’s a tremendous release of suffering that can come with it.”

Hickman points out that wounds and fears often burst to the forefront when people begin to treat themselves with kindness and warmth after years of neglect or self-criticism.

“The heart is so hot with suffering because they’ve beaten themselves up for so long, and at first there’s this rushing out of negative feelings that makes them think they’re doing something wrong,” explains Hickman.

On the contrary, it’s totally normal. Stick with it for true emotional transformation. Better yet, extend your self-compassion to all that hurt.

“We’re often taught that the most important feeling to have is happiness, that sadness or even anger is a weakness, that we’re supposed to be able to be composed all the time, but that’s just not realistic or healthy,” says Ese Moynihan-Ejaife, LMHC, a psychotherapist in upstate New York.

“We have emotions and they’re there for very important reasons.”

Depression Prevention

Although practicing self-compassion may not immediately ease emotional suffering, it can play a role in alleviating future bouts of depression.

That’s the goal for Chris, who is just starting to explore the concept of self-compassion.

He has a lot more experience with self-criticism, which is “a constant presence in my brain … the kind of persistent notion that I’m a fraud, that I’m not good enough, that the nice things people say about me or to me are unearned,” he explains.

A professional writer, Chris gives the example of a piece he had published in the Atlantic. Instead of feeling more self-confident because his work was accepted by the esteemed magazine, he feels he just “got lucky.”

So far, Chris has relied on two friends who also live with depression to provide reality checks and the empathy he hasn’t been able to extend to himself.

“More than anything, it’s about having someone to witness what I’m going through, and who knows and understands what’s going on,” he says.

Ban the Bully

We all have a version of an internal critic. The important thing to recognize is that critical thoughts are just that—thoughts, which are inherently subjective, and not actual facts until proven otherwise.

“When you tell yourself something so many times, you start to believe it, and that becomes part of the problem,” says Samantha Waxman, PhD, CPsych, a clinical psychologist in Toronto.

“The more you believe it, the more hopeless you become and the worse you feel about yourself.… It’s a difficult thing to do, but you need to learn to notice your thoughts without reacting to them.”

Kim Fredrickson has spent years developing her own strategy for not blaming herself when her health or life events make her feel that she’s not measuring up. A marriage and family therapist in Northern California, Fredrickson shares advice as a blogger and in her book Give Yourself a Break: Turning Your Inner Critic into a Compassionate Friend.

Her approach marries self-compassion and Christian tenets. She uses terms like “grace,” “forgiveness,” and “inherent worth and value” that may resonate for those steeped in the Bible.

For those new to the practice of self-compassion, Fredrickson suggests starting with a simple, clear statement to challenge self-judgment: “I’m not going to talk to myself like that anymore.”

Even if you don’t know what positive comments to substitute, you are cultivating an internal attitude of zero tolerance for “bully-ish” behavior. Getting comfortable with the language of self-love may take some time, because it often feels forced and insincere at first.

“It’s a process and it takes a while to learn,” Fredrickson says, “but it’s worth every effort. It changes you in a positive way, and it lasts a lifetime.”

* * * * *

Self-Compassion 101

Kristin Neff, PhD, a pioneering researcher into resilience and self-compassion, describes it as adopting the perspective of a sympathetic “other” toward oneself.

That makes it different from self-esteem (which is based on evaluating various traits), self-pity (which is essentially egocentric), and self-indulgence (which is giving yourself permission to do things that are ultimately harmful to your health and well-being).

In order to cultivate a self-compassionate frame of mind, Neff notes, there are certain attitudes to recognize and resist:

  • Self-judgment.
  • Getting stuck in your own head.
  • Separating your experience from the norm.

Neff has developed a guided “self-compassion break” that addresses all three barriers.

The first step: Call to mind some situation that is difficult or stressful—but nothing too painful or overwhelming if you’re a beginner. Create a full picture of what’s going on, who said what, and what might happen.

Now find some phrase that acknowledges your distress. Some suggestions from Neff: “This is really hard right now,” or, “I’m really struggling.”

Next, find comfortable language to remind yourself that suffering is a part of being human. For example: “It’s not abnormal to feel this way.” “Many others have gone through something like this.”

Place your hands lovingly over your heart or anywhere on your body that feels comforting. Say something kind to yourself as if you were speaking to a close friend: “I’m here for you.” “It’s going to be OK.” “I care about you.”

To end the exercise, relax and observe how your body feels in the moment, allowing yourself to be just as you are without trying to change anything.

Source: selfcompassion.org

New to Self-Love? Write a Letter!

If you’re a self-compassion newbie, it may be easier to start with the written word. Here’s a standard exercise to try: Write yourself a letter from the perspective of an understanding friend.

1. Think about some aspect of yourself that makes you feel ashamed, insecure, angry, or otherwise unhappy.

2. Imagine how someone who accepts you unconditionally would view the part of yourself that you dislike.

3. Reflect upon what may have contributed to that quality—your upbringing, genetic inheritance, life circumstances, and other factors.

4. Remind yourself that imperfection is the natural state of being human.

5. Respectfully ask yourself what might help you change or cope with this aspect of who you are.

6. Avoid judgmental language. Focus forward on a healthier or more fulfilling life.

7. Reread the letter when you’re feeling bad about yourself as a reminder to be more self-compassionate.


Printed as “The Kindness Cure,” Winter 2017
Originally posted February 4, 2017

About the author
Robin L. Flanigan is a national award-winning journalist for magazines and newspapers, and author of the children’s book M is for Mindful. After receiving a bachelor’s degree in language and literature from St. Mary’s College of Maryland, she worked for eleven years in newsrooms including The Herald-Sun in Durham, North Carolina, and the Democrat and Chronicle in Rochester, New York. Her work has earned awards from the Education Writers Association, the Maryland-Delaware-D.C. Press Association, the New York Newspaper Publishers Association, and elsewhere. She also authored a coffee-table book titled Rochester: High Performance for 175 Years. When not writing for work, Robin is usually writing for pleasure, hiking (she climbed to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro in 2008), or searching for the nearest chocolate chip cookie. She lives in Upstate New York with her husband and daughter, and can be found at thekineticpen.com or on Twitter: @thekineticpen.
9 Comments
  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I can barely keep my head above water, tired from this tumultuous situation where crashing waves of contempt and self-hatred batter me. This article will be a life jacket. I can choose to grab on by using some of these suggestions or choose to stop trying and drown.

  2. I dream of, and would love to be – a writer.

    To have that ability and career focus would be a gift. But I’m stuck in a no-man’s land at the moment, overwhelmed by problems that feel insurmountable, which is why I’m here.

    A thousand mountains to cross whilst living on welfare in noisy social housing and feeling the inexorable and brutally fast fleeting of precious time. The sofa is the most beguiling of thieves.

    To the guy who felt unworthy of having his article published in The Atlantic… Please! Just give yourself permission to feel proud.

    1. Ella,
      I echo to you, the words you had for some one else – Ella, Just give yourself permission to feel proud.

      Proud that you read the article and took time to respond. Proud of the pictures your words paint for the reader – ‘stuck in a no-man’s land’; ‘A thousand mountains to cross’; ‘The sofa is the most beguiling of thieves.’ Proud that you have a dream to become a writer. Proud that you showed up.

      With admiration for you, Ella, and gratitude

    2. You already have a distinctive voice…”the sofa is the most beguiling of thieves” is a great line…just write about your plight as it exists presently….or dream up a story altogether unrelated to your present circumstances for the pleasure & power of pure escape…just begin….

  3. Very helpful article, the comments were equally interesting! It is easy to criticize ourselves and hard to put a positive spin on our own lives. I have been using a secret strategy when I am too critical I say the Lord’s Prayer, and try to move on! It brings new meaning to ” changing the subject” we have to love ourselves , it makes us more loveable . I love the idea of putting your hand on your heart and saying ” it’s going to be okay ” I have to believe it and then it will be .

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