Our springtime return to our beloved Colorado after 17 years happened quickly, though we had been planning it in our hearts for some time. It was a matter of my husband finding a solid job in our desired town, and then, of course, undertaking the mountain of stuff required to make the thousand-mile move. Together we made it happen, and we were excited to start anew. My husband had only about a week’s time off before jumping into work that demanded a new focus, more hours, and a longer commute.
I had this fantasy: My husband needed me. I’d step up. I had imagined I’d be the one in the supportive-spouse role, making a great home for him to come to at the end of a long day, a place of warm serenity. Our new town is beautiful, so we’d go out in the mornings for walks together, and have coffee on our deck as the sun rose. I’d manage the household without issue, and listen to him talk about his exciting job. I’d smile a lot. And because we had come back to a place we love so much, my bipolar symptoms would be better controlled. Just. Like. That.
Of course not. Within a week of arriving, amid powerful spring storms, morning fog, and dismal trips to get driver’s licenses and laundry soap, my mood tanked, anxiety swelled, and anger spewed. We were both exhausted. We battled daily for weeks, and I cried in-between rants on how “insensitive” he was to my needs. He said he “could barely take it anymore.”
The blackness that befell me left me unable to care about what was going on with him, his job, and the fact that he is now the primary provider and the reason we are able to be here in the first place.
We backed off from one another, taking a few days to just be calm. And then we realized something: Over the past two years, my husband and I have undergone five significant major life changes—I had a bad car accident and surgery; I was awarded disability; he had a serious motorcycle accident and surgery, which led to terrifying cardiothoracic surgery; then this move. All this plus my not-so-predictable-and-yet-oh-so-predictable rapid-cycling bipolar II events.
Perhaps we are gluttons for punishment. Or maybe life has just really been tough the past few years. Regardless, the fact is that in-between every event there hasn’t been much time for emotional healing, including the times in between my mood swings. And my expectation that I could somehow put away bipolar like I can put away laundry soap in order to sensibly support my husband was simply not reasonable.
In hindsight, he and I both see that we have been touchstones, rocks for one another over the years, and absolutely have been each other’s hero in emergencies, in life-and-death scenarios, and in long-range battles, like the fight for my wellness. We switch back and forth in our support for one another when it truly matters.
What we’ve also realized from this latest big life event is that the last few months leading up to the move really did us in, and exhaustion and stress took their toll: I got sick, he got mad, it was Game On. Once we took a step back, looked at the scene, and found perspective, we saw that we would need to work together to get through it. As always.
We are learning, as a couple coping with bipolar disorder, that being able to recognize not only symptoms of the condition, but also other things going on in life that affect us both, helps each of us to see better ways of working through issues.
It’s not easy. For us, agreeing to walk away and take a breather, trusting that we’ll come back together later to talk it through, is our thing. And we’re far from perfect at it. I am keenly aware of what I need to do to manage bipolar symptoms. I also have been reminded (again) that regardless of what my fantasy may be, there are limits to what I can and cannot do to support my husband, and vice versa.
These days, we’re calmer, more settled, healing … and enjoying the view from our deck, watching the sun dapple on the mountains and the life changes of beautiful trees in autumn.
Printed as “On Second Thought: Coping with Change as a Couple,” Fall 2016
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Thanks for your perspective! Needed this today!
Thank you!
After living in a fairly small town for 40+ years, my elderly husband and I moved to a small town surrounded by a large city. I had wanted to live nearer to our son, wife and daughters, so I looked forward to the move; my husband, having lived in the same area for approximately 50 years, was less than thrilled about moving. I knew it would be a big change for us, but I underestimated the negative effect it had on my Bipolar II Disorder. I really missed my long-term friends, church, and activities, my supportive counselor, psychiatrist and other health care providers, the near-by businesses I had dealt with for years and driving in familiar areas, without having to drive on the interstate. I became very depressed for over a year as I searched for a therapist who was taking new clients and accepted my insurance. Too many big changes in too short a time! Once I found an excellent nurse practitioner (no more psychiatrists for me!), a counselor who listened well, as well as new medication, I was finally, slowly on the mend. When my husband, who did most of the driving, died last year, I discovered my anxiety (always an issue for me) greatly increased, especially on the interstate; I have had to limit my driving to areas close by my home, and call for rides to doctors’ offices in the city. I have also programed my GPS to avoid interstates. My sons have been very understanding, I have found a church I enjoy and am slowly making new friends. With the help of my church grief group, I have learned to accept my husband’s death and begun to move on. For those facing new challenges and old, be patient with yourself and keep moving!
I was diagnosed with BP after we were married and had our first baby. Since then we’ve managed to stay married 25 years in June. My sister is also diagnosed with BP and schizophrenia so I have lived between the whirlwind and destruction for nearly 30 years. in all my family relationships. I am just plum worn out from helping my sister, who is in jail at this moment, managing relationships in my family of origin, and managing my marriage. I have 4 beautiful children and a good husband. I just can’t take managing all the relationships anymore. I just want to run away but that wouldn’t really help because I’m part of the equation. Debbie Despair
I understand!!! I, too, have bipolar illness! I’ve been thru 2 marriages, and several dozen jobs! In-spite of that, I have earned all but 4 college/university degrees,…including a master’s degree! I am an honorably-discharged, U.S. Army officer.
I have been the unfortunate character, in our less-than*wonderful, or understanding, legal system!
In-spite of being a non-denominational, Christian, minister,…I am hyper-sexual! I have taken too many chances, in the distant past, with regards my sexuality! For about the past 20 years, I have been more controlled!
Presently, with the grace of God, I have been with the same corporation, for over 3 years! I have, more recently, been an public accountant, male, RN trained, nurse, and college teacher.
With much prayer, and support from God, I am making progress!
I have been with my present woman, for going on 15 years! I HAVEN’T cheated on her, either!
My prayers, go out for all mentally ill people! Have courage, and push forward!
I continue, working with my psychiatrist. I also take all ordered medications!
Good-Luck, to all who are in the same boat, I am in, too!
It’s a hard road. My wife is dealing with it now. Mood swings, anger. Everything is my fault. Accuses me of cheating. I’ve put cameras on the house, everything. Cuss me out. It’s morning, noon, and night. I’m to a point that it’s too much for me to handle. It has all affected our relationship. I’m almost scared to be around her. Please help me. What do? I’m at my breaking point.
I’m in the same boat myself, one second my wife loving , the next second cussing me out, and everything my fault, now she has decided to cut sex out , been 4 months, I see why so many people cheat, I have cheated on my wife, but has to go through my fone, it’s not a life , if I just take it and agree , everything fine, but if I q anything , it on, I talked to her about sex, she just pulled her pants down , take me now, I just walked away, any conversation must be planned , I need help , I wish I new more , when she good, she amazing , does anyone know of any support group, any feel free to reply. Thank