How to Have an Emotionally Healthy Divorce

Dealing with divorce can be one of the most challenging and stressful experiences of one’s life. It can be difficult to get through a divorce while dealing with the emotions that come along with it. To have an emotionally healthy divorce, find ways to communicate with your ex and take care of yourself.[1] If you have children, help them understand why you're getting divorced, and help them adjust to this new way of life.

Method 1
Method 1 of 4:

Communicating With Your Ex

  1. Step 1 Avoid being combative.
    Because of what you might hear/see on TV and from others who have gotten divorced, you may think that getting divorced has to be a big fight. The truth is, however, that it doesn’t. Keeping this in mind can help you from being defensive.[2]
    • Try to get on the same page with your ex. If you can be on the same page then it will make the whole process easier.
    • Understand that this doesn’t mean that you can avoid experiencing negative emotions.[3] Divorce is almost always painful, so you’ll have to deal with those feelings of loss. Most people experience anger, grief, fear, and anxiety when going through a divorce.[4]
    • If you are able to find a way to be civil and productive together, you may even be able to finalize your divorce without wasting time and money on a lawyer.
  2. Step 2 Limit emotional communication.
    There are likely many things that have happened in your relationship that you haven’t been able to work out with each other. There is little point in going through it over and over again. Agree to let the past stay in the past, and consider this a new beginning for whatever relationship you might have with your ex.[5]
    • If you have no reason to communicate with your ex after the divorce then this should be easy. Keep your communications with your ex strictly business. Don’t talk about how you’re feeling or ask how your ex is feeling. Take care of the details of the divorce and move on.
    • If you want to have some type of friendly relationship with your ex (for whatever reason), then agree with one another that all past hurts and disagreements are to stay in the past.
    • It may be easier said than done, but do your best to keep your communication in the present tense, and try to keep your talks as positive as possible.
  3. Step 3 Set aside anger.
    You will no doubt be feeling a lot of different emotions when you are going through a divorce. Many of these emotions may be very negative. Do your best to stay positive when communicating with your ex.[6]
    • This is especially important if you have children together. Move the focus off of your failed relationship, and focus on how you can work together to raise your children.
    • Anger, shock, and blaming the other spouse for the failure of the marriage are all common reactions to divorce. You shouldn't ignore them or suppress them, but try to put them aside when you are communicating with your ex, then work through them with the assistance of a therapist or using healthy coping tools, like journaling.
  4. Step 4 Make requests, not demands.
    When you are negotiating the divorce with your ex, try to remain civil. If you want something, don’t demand it. Even if you mean it as a request, stating something that you want without wording it carefully can lead to misunderstandings and anger.[7]
    • For example, if you want to sell the home you bought together then don’t say, “We are selling the house.” This sounds like a demand even if you didn’t mean it that way. Instead, try saying it like this, “What do you think about selling the house and splitting the money from the sale 50/50?” This gives your ex a chance to express their feelings about it rather than feeling that they need to defend themselves.
Method 2
Method 2 of 4:

Taking Care of Yourself

  1. Step 1 Make time for yourself.
    [8] Especially if you have children, you may neglect yourself during your divorce. You may be too worried about helping your children or other family members understand the divorce to think about yourself; however, it is important that you make time to care for yourself.[9]
    • Find time to do something that you find enjoyable, whatever that may be. If you really like going to the movies, then do that. If you like to paint, then paint. If you want to get a massage, then do that. It’s important to find a bit of happiness during this time.
    • If you don’t have much time or money, don’t worry. Making time for yourself can be as simple as making yourself a good cup of coffee or taking a relaxing bath.
  2. Step 2 Allow time to heal.
    It’s important to understand that a divorce is a loss, and the feelings may be similar to those you might feel when someone close to you dies. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of this relationship instead of thinking you have to stuff the emotions down.[10]
    • Remember that going through the grieving process, no matter how difficult, is important for healing and moving on.
    • You may experience a range of emotions that range from denial and anger to sadness and acceptance. Don’t beat yourself down for feeling any of these emotions as they are simply a part of the process of grieving.[11]
    • Allow yourself to feel these feelings and process them however you need to.[12] For example, you might simply want to lay in bed and cry, or you might want to write down everything you’re feeling in a journal, or you might talk about how you’re feeling with someone you trust.[13]
  3. Step 3 Consider therapy.
    Talking about your divorce and your feelings about it with a trained professional can be an excellent way to get through the divorce.[14] It may feel weird at first to talk with a stranger about such an intimate topic, but therapists are trained to help you deal with difficult emotions.[15]
    • One big advantage of talking to a therapist is that you are talking with someone who is trained to be objective about the situation, and who is also outside the situation. Talking with friends and family members is good too, but these people will have a more difficult time being objective because they may know your ex, and have their own opinions about the divorce.
    • A therapist may also be able to help you find ways to communicate with your ex effectively.
  4. Step 4 Lean on friends and family.
    In addition to seeing a professional, talking with family and friends that you trust can be very helpful. People who have strong support systems are typically better able to deal with difficult situations.[16]
    • You can also look for a local or online support group where you can listen to the stories of others, and ask for advice from fellow divorcees.
    • Some people feel like they have to give you their opinions and advice in order to show that they are interested in what you are saying. If all you want to do is get it out, then say that. Most people will be happy to simply listen and say, “I understand.”
    • If you don’t feel comfortable talking with anyone about your emotions, then at least try to spend some time writing about how you feel. It is important that you get the emotions out somehow.
  5. Step 5 Give yourself a break.
    If you have the time and money, treat yourself to a spa day or a vacation. If you don’t, then just let yourself off of the hook for a day or two. This doesn’t mean you should neglect your children or not show up to work without telling anyone, but you can give yourself a little break from all of the responsibilities you normally worry about.[17]
    • For example, if you have a few extra vacation days, then consider taking them to just relax and do something you enjoy.
    • If you are normally very strict with yourself about eating healthy and going to gym, then allow yourself to forget about it for a day or two. Eat what you want and be lazy. In general, these things will help you move on, but giving yourself a little break can feel like a treat.
  6. Step 6 Get involved in something positive.
    After you let yourself go just a little bit, try to re-commit yourself to something good. This can be whatever you want it to be, but try to choose something that will be beneficial for your well-being. Finding the positive aspects of your divorce will help you find happiness again.[18]
    • For example, if you love animals, you could start volunteering your spare time at a local shelter. If you enjoy art, you could take a class in painting or sculpting. If exercise helps you work off stress, then consider joining a gym.
Method 3
Method 3 of 4:

Helping Children Deal With Divorce

  1. Step 1 Reassure your children.
    When you tell your children that you are getting divorced, they may experience a range of emotions; however, the biggest emotion is likely to be a feeling of insecurity and uncertainty. Explain to them that the divorce is not their fault and that both of you still love them a lot.[19]
    • For example, you can say, “Together, we have decided that the best thing for everyone is if we don’t live together anymore. This will be tough for everyone at first, but we’ll get through it as best we can. The most important thing you should understand is that we both love you very much, and our decision is nobody’s fault.”
    • If you and your ex will be sharing custody, make sure that your children understand that they aren’t being asked to choose between you and your ex.
    • If one of you will have sole custody of the children, one of you will need to explain why this is. For example, if you will have sole custody of your children you can say, “Right now, Dad (or Mom) has some things (s)he needs to work on so you won’t be able to see him (or her) too often. Try not to worry. He (she) loves you very much, and is doing his (her) best.”
  2. Step 2 Avoid saying negative things about your ex.
    When you are dealing with a lot of emotions, you may unintentionally say bad things about your ex. Focus all of your efforts on not doing this in front of your children. It is important to recognize that your children may be struggling to understand what divorce means for them. If you say negative things about their other parent, they will feel as though they have to choose.[20]
    • Even if your ex has really hurt you, try to remember that your child loves them. Your ex may have hurt you, but that doesn’t mean your child should be hurt, too. If you feel the need to say something to your children about how you’re feeling, you could say something like, “Mommy and daddy both tried very hard, but in the end, we just couldn’t make it work. I feel very sad about how things worked out, but you don’t need to think that you can’t love both of us.”
    • You should also avoid using your children to communicate with your ex. For example, saying "Tell your mother that she needs to come get this last box of her stuff" is not appropriate. Your children are not couriers and are not there to pass information along to your ex. If you need to talk to them, text, call, email — reach out to them directly.
  3. Step 3 Let them express their emotions.
    [21] Your child may experience a whole range of emotions, just like you are probably experiencing. Try to listen to what they are expressing before reacting.[22]
    • For example, if your child gets angry and yells at you, don’t react before giving yourself a chance to see where this emotion is coming from. Don’t just scold them and send them to their room. Instead, say something like, “It seems like you’re pretty angry. What is making you feel so angry?”
  4. Step 4 Ask your children questions.
    Your child may want to talk about the divorce, but may not know what to say or where to begin. To help them, try asking open-ended questions about how they are feeling or what they think about the divorce.[23]
    • You can also ask them about any concerns they might have. For example, they might be concerned about how often they will get to spend time with the other parent, or if they will have to change schools.
    • It’s important to keep questions open-ended. For example, if you want to ask them their feelings about the divorce, don’t say, “Are you feeling sad about the divorce?” Instead, say, “What feelings do you have about our divorce?” If they give you a one-word answer (e.g. “sad,” “mad,” “scared”) try respond with another question. For example, if they say they are sad, then say, “What about the divorce makes you feel sad?”
    • Don’t push it. Though you should try to regularly ask questions to help them process their thoughts, if they seem reluctant to talk, then don’t keep pushing them. If they don’t want to talk, then come back and ask again another day.
  5. Step 5 Be happy when they go see the other parent.
    If you are sharing custody with your ex, then don’t let your child see you upset when they leave, even if you are. If your child sees that you are upset, they may feel guilty and unable to enjoy time with the other parent.[24]
    • Be sure to smile when they leave. If you want to say something, then you can say, “Have a great time with Dad (or Mom)! I know they can’t wait to see you!”
Method 4
Method 4 of 4:

Moving Forward

  1. Step 1 Resolve logistical issues.
    There are a lot of practical matters that you’re going to have to deal with during the divorce, especially if you have kids together. Work on getting these matters resolved as quickly and smoothly as possible so that you can focus on the process of moving on with your life.
    • For example, if you have kids together, you’re going to have to figure out how you’re going to share custody (or if you are at all). Until this is managed, it’s going to be difficult to move forward.
    • If you have a home that you’ve purchased together, you’re going to have to figure how to split the things inside the home (e.g. furniture, electronics, etc.), and what to do with the house. Will one of you continue living in the home, or should you sell it?
  2. Step 2 Process your emotions.
    As you move forward, you will probably have good days and bad days when it comes to dealing with your emotions. You may feel fine and think you’re finally healing, and then wake up one morning feeling hopeless. This is all part of the grieving process, and you should expect to have some setbacks along the way.
    • Keep in mind you and your ex will likely be processing your emotions at different times. It often happens that the spouse who initiates the divorce began the process long before the legal act of divorcing — possibly even years before. The spouse who did not initiate the divorce, however, will likely just start processing the emotions (shock, anger, disillusionment, fear, etc.) when asked for a divorce. Try to understand that you and your ex may not be on the same page emotionally while going through the process and have empathy for whatever your ex is experiencing.
    • Remember that processing emotions is an active process, not a passive one. While you can just sit and stew in your emotions, you’ll probably do better if you find ways to actively deal with your emotions. For example, through talking with a professional or with a trusted family member or through journaling. You can also try other methods such as expressing feelings through a creative activity (such as painting or music).
    • Many people find exercise to be a great way to deal with negative emotions. A tough workout that gets you sweating and out of breath will help you work off some steam. Try taking a boxing class where you can let out anger in a healthy way.
  3. Step 3 Set goals...
    Set goals. Now that you are divorced, your life is different. You may have more free time, and you now have one less person to answer to. Take this new life you have and set goals for it. Although divorce is difficult, try to look at the positive. You now have an opportunity to reinvent your life.[25]
    • These goals can be very small goals or big life goals. Setting lots of goals that are both small and big will help you develop a sense of achievement.
    • You could set a goal for yourself to join a new social group where you can meet new people who didn’t know you when you were married.
    • Set new goals related to travel. Travelling solo can be scary, but many say that it is very rewarding.
    • If you want to, you can also set a goal related to when you’d like to start dating again (if you think you’d like to again).
  4. Step 4 Make specific plans.
    There are new challenges you may also have to face now that you are divorced. Make plans about how you will deal with these new challenges so that you don’t panic when, and if, they arrive.[26]
    • For example, you may have to deal with feelings of loneliness. Make a plan about how you will deal with this. You could make a plan to get involved in local social groups, or decide who you can call to talk to when you feel lonely.
    • Another example involves finances. If you and your ex shared your income, you may need to make plans about how you will cover your costs. If you didn’t work before, think about how you will find a job.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you make time for yourself after a divorce?
    Jin S. Kim, MA
    Jin S. Kim, MA
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.
    Jin S. Kim, MA
    Jin S. Kim, MA
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Try focusing on enjoyable activities that address both your physical and emotional well-being.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    How can I heal emotionally from a divorce?
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    You'll have to take some time to process your feelings and know that it's okay to feel that way. Don't get caught up in judging yourself, but work toward understanding.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    What are the warning signs of divorce?
    Jin S. Kim, MA
    Jin S. Kim, MA
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.
    Jin S. Kim, MA
    Jin S. Kim, MA
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    John Gottman, a renowned psychologist, and researcher studied why some marriages work and some don’t. He found there are four things that could predict a divorce; he called them the “the four horsemen.” They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. It’s important to keep these in mind and, through regular communication, try to find healthier ways to talk about your differences.
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Tips

  • Try to remind yourself that you’ll get through it.
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  • Don’t be embarrassed to talk about your emotions with a trusted friend or family member, but try not to make it the focus of every conversation you have with this person.
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Warnings

  • Understand that even if you have the best of intentions, your ex may not make it possible to have a smooth divorce.
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  • Don’t put off dealing with your emotions. Putting your emotions off because you don’t want to deal with them will cause even more damage. Do what you have to do: talk to someone, journal, sing, exercise, or paint. Do whatever it is that helps you get through your feelings.
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References

  1. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
  2. ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/healthy-divorce.aspx
  3. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
  4. ↑ http://www.mediate.com/articles/saporo.cfm
  5. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-choi/divorce-confidential-copi_b_4770722.html
  6. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/co-parenting-tips-for-divorced-parents.htm
  7. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/co-parenting-tips-for-divorced-parents.htm#communication
  8. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201309/seven-ways-thrive-after-divorce
  1. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-out/201309/the-5-stages-grieving-the-end-relationship
  3. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
  4. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
  5. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
  6. ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/divorce
  7. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
  8. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/sarah-kelsey/coping-with-divorce_b_943658.html
  9. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
  10. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-g-scott/7-ways-to-have-emotionally-healthy-children-after-divorce_b_9670614.html
  11. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/co-parenting-tips-for-divorced-parents.htm#hurt
  12. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
  13. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-g-scott/7-ways-to-have-emotionally-healthy-children-after-divorce_b_9670614.html
  14. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-g-scott/7-ways-to-have-emotionally-healthy-children-after-divorce_b_9670614.html
  15. ↑ http://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/coping/helping-child-deal-with-divorce/
  16. ↑ http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/mentalhealth/Pages/healthydivorce.aspx
  17. ↑ http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/mentalhealth/Pages/healthydivorce.aspx

About this article

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Co-authored by:
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
This article was co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). This article has been viewed 38,491 times.
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